How To Help My Dysfunctional Family

[AlexB]

Hey there, I bet many of us come from dysfunctional backgrounds just by how society is evolving, but when you're family is messed up bad, with physical and mental abuse, cheating, alcoholism ecc it's inevitable that things are going to get even worse in time. Right now I live by myself and every time I hear from my family bad stuff always happens so I don't have support from them, I'm the one supporting them, even with cash sometimes. How do I convince them to seek professional help and counseling if they are too close minded to listen to that kind of stuff? Every help is appreciated 

[tyy]

@AlexB Just start doing better yourself and that energy will ripple outwards. The only person you can improve is you. Until they want to make changes on their own, nothing will be a success!

[Loreena]

I may be a little harsh and direct here. Please don't get me  wrong. But I can tell from experiences from my friends that this is a very serious and fundamental issue that most people have to battle with. You are not alone. My honest and humble advice is that you focus on yourself. There is not much you can do when things are going that bad. You cannot really help those who either don't wish or don't bother to help themselves. Such situations generally get worse with time. But the point is that sometimes you get dragged along the way into the pit they create because of their condition. And you end up losing yourself as well. You cannot allow yourself to be destroyed in the process of trying to help others especially when the end result of your efforts is going to be zero. How long will you continue putting up ? One day you may have to let go anyway. Over time things may  get even worse for you. Before that happens, you got to make your choice. You have feelings for them and I understand that. But you cannot allow your feelings to win over practical judgment.  So you will need to think very practically here. You cannot let yourself get dragged down along with others. So the only option here is to "jump out of the boat" before it's too late for you. Keep your focus on yourself and be strong.  Don't let any situation bring you down. Do what it takes to bring yourself out of "it" either financially and in whatever way possible. You could still try persuading them to seek help but if they don't care to listen, then just let go and focus on what is good for you. Sorry if it sounds a little rough but this a practical and straightforward advice.

[Guest Annetta]

@Loreena Damn str8!! 

[AlexB]

2 hours ago, Loreena said:

 

@Loreena yes, I understand that perfectly and very true what you just said, but it's hard as hell. Hopefully things will work out good. It's hard not to loose myself, but yes I go first, after my family 

[clytaemnestra]

Your family doesn't want help. If they wanted, they would start changing themselves and you would know how to help, but they're actually trapped in their cycle of negativity and victim mentality and don't want to go out of it. You have two options: step in or run away.

My mother was an alchoholic. She eventually went to rehab, but although she isn't drinking anymore the core issue didn't change: she's always a victim and ALL of us are guilty for her problems. She's unemployed and doing 0% to change it. Complaining about illnesses all the time (for example, her iron is a bit low and she called me few days ago to complain how sick she is and that all of us are causing her stress and doctor told her stress could lead to heart attack, thus I(!) have to change my behaviour towards her).

What do I do? -> I don't give a shit anymore. Worse than toxic mother is being myself toxic together with my mother, thus I isolated myself and restricted calls (I'm 21 btw). I told her when I see an EFFORT from her side I'll help her but till then I don't have an intention to solve her problems, I have enough of mines.

How does she react? Well, she calls me selfish, egoistic, greedy, cold, emotionless, swears a lot, when we talk it's always filled with negativity and anger... How do I react? Ignore her.

You can't change others, only yourself. I tried, but after years and years I quited. It's a bad investment of your time and energy.

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

It seems like everyone has written down the answer that is usually the best choice when you are growing up in a messed up family and I am currently doing the same thing because it seems to me that it's the only one that works for me. That creating your own life, getting your self-esteem back and letting go of toxic people is a good solution is something that eeveryone "knows" about.

Going trough problems like this and reading about other people who are doing the same thing always get me to think about this quote:

“The problem is not to find the answer, it's to face the answer” 
― Terence McKenna

[AlexB]

@clytaemnestra damn, I can relate with that, thanks for sharing your thought and experience 

[ajasatya]

@AlexB wake up completely.

[AlexB]

3 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@AlexB wake up completely.

What do you mean? 

[ajasatya]

On 09/02/2017 at 8:59 PM, AlexB said:

What do you mean? 

i mean work on YOUR OWN happiness. the best thing you can do is being an example. maybe an inspiration.

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, ajasatya said:

i mean work on YOUR OWN happiness. the best thing you can do is being an example. maybe an inspiration.

He's right. 

I went through this. Everyone who wakes up and gets living goes through this. Think about this, if there was one delicious brownie left on earth, and you are the lucky sob who gets to eat it, and that first bite is mind blowing, just heavenly. But you, you piss it all away by being bummed that everyone you know isn't experienceing the deliciousness of the brownie. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOT THE BROWNIE! 

 

@ajasatya He's so right. Be an example. If you really let go of trying to change someone - I mean REALLY just forget it, let it go, and be the example simply by putting your happiness first - you will see, like magic, people will come along. It just takes time.

Trying to change someone is like telling them how great you feel while they have a cold. Your message may be so clear, but it is even more unheard.