800µg LSD - Saint Subtle Phenomena/ Exploring Space Wonderland

[ValiantSalvatore]

Date: 27.07.21 - 28.07.21

Prep: Meditation + Intentions for 30 min

Ingestion Time: 20:30

Amount: 800µg LSD 

Duration total: 20h

Onset: 2h - 21:00-23:00

Peak: 5h - 23:00 - 04:00

Offset: 6h - 04:00 - 10:00

Afterglow: 7h - 10:00 - 17:00

Note: This is an approximation I also smoked smoke weed (pure) during the trip super silver haze that is very strong and potentiated the trip a lot at the peak. I did not even smoke a lot. Because it was to intense, I stopped but I wanted to deepen the trip. 

 

Prep:
Meditated for 30 minutes with a mindfulness techniques with a don't know open monitoring focus stance. Created a couple of intentions in my journal what the trip should be about and what I want to explore and learn.

Onset: 2h:
First I took 3 tabs as I was unsure if I should really go for the 800. I thought beforehand what I wanted to do and I just listend to some music and played video games. While I chew on the tabs to not sink into boredom and create positive feelings of joy/pleasure beforehand. Basically activating my inner child. So I played Leauge of Legends for 30 minutes while chewing on the tab ARAM mode. I don't recall if we won or lost I just really wanted to listen to music and play video games as I enjoyed this as a teen/kid. After that I listend to music and started to notice the trip is coming on stronger. I thought about my true intentions and not the come up experience and noticed there is a deep desire in me to meditate and transcend. It was almost to strong I intuited I should not meditate to not further potentiate the trip and cause a kriya experience. Sort of a more balanced approach instead of recklessly exploring an already intense experience. 

I started to watch videos from various teachers and to subtely meditate. Like I do when walking/eating/driving/ and introduce a lowkey softcore form of background meditation and started to just watch for mental activity and activity in general while watching videos from Leo. For example about god realization as well as from Shinzen Young expansion and contraction flow. I notice the trip comes on stronger and I see the opportuntity to go for the 4th tab. My visual phenomena was still relatively normal in contrast to my experiences with 1P-LSD and ETH-LAD slight drifters and if I had to see stuff drifting I'd really had to focus. Somehow after this I got sucked into more conscious and personally passionate indepdent channels about science/biology/philosohpy/politics  like Veritasium, Lex Fridman, Hubermanlab I was so curious to explore their perspectives and to see their level of consciouness. I keept internally checking in if there was any signs of ego death, dissolving, bangha, siddih type experiences, internal geometric patterns etc. I noticed this now I did not once close my eyes during the trip and meditate. I know why I will get to it later. In short it was fear of to much depth and a kriya experience. Basically fear of the causal state. 

After checking-in (going inside) I keept my softcore meditation going while exploring consciouness in digital space let's say. 

Peak: 5h:
At 23:00 I notice I am peaking while watching some video I watched so many people and explored their perspectives like Sam Harris and how they seem to meditate. I had like the most synchronistic craziest algorithmic YouTube dopamine blackbox deep drift into some blackhat gamified algorithm. It basically forced me to consistently watch the next video. All topics from biology and society how ido movement is practied how it feels like how he experiences doing these ido movements  I also watched everything in 2x this seemed very magical to me. As they sort of skipped all unconscious conversations as it was really about awarness, meditation and consciouness mixed with science etc like this. I watched all videos in full length at 2x while meditating I do this also while exercising although that is to much with audiobooks sometimes, when not doing cardio. So basically I am "perma" meditating. When I am conscious of it in a passive stance and not active.

Afer this I got a train load of insights about what is happening in the world on the planet just on an information spectrum it felt like an omniscient download, altough I notice I have to not delude myself and thought I mean as long as it's true very true to this experience right now thoughts don't matter. I kept basically slicing mental chatter with mindfulness laser focusing it to death. While watchting the videos. After this I really wanted to enjoy the pleasure side as sort of my inner desire monkey was jumping for excitement and stimulation. Aka my nervous system... back to that later. 

23:30 I stopped watching the videos and went to play elden ring as I wanted to explore some cool visual phenomena and the game just looks beautiful on a 240hz monitor with a RTX 3060 with 12gb VRAM. I started the game and I am not very far into it maybe 20-30h and just looked at the landscape as I was mentally so fascinated with the occult and church and religion going through many places in my head I walked through while travelling. I just wanted to look at how death is depicted in general in all cultures and I thought Elden Ring is sort of great when it comes to how western civilization imagens hell/limbo/ or the everbearing battle between good and evil etc. I really was just fascinated by design/code/art and I could not really play the game I got sucked into the beauty of omfg how did they even model this creature like what was the thought behind it? I just explored the area full in fear as I really get like scared by everything I hate horror stuff this is already for me horror or more a jump scare game not horror. I stopped after this because everything started to morph and I absolutely peaked. I got sucked into my chair almost feeling like okay, this is to much. I am definitely now an intermediate tripper, I stopped, went back to the videos and meditated exploring visual phenomena my subconscious goal. As well as exploring consciouness and god realization. The trip was very long so my mind justified it. At one point I got stuck watching a beautiful girl talk about science/cosmology I just stopped and looked at her face as I was unsure if it was morping and I stopped the video and saw her face morph I was like awe-struck for 10-15 minutes in blown into depth. It was a video about science and cosmology. Every video was about life/consciouness and I was so impressed by the work of art of the creator of the videos.

I felt a lot of connection towards the amazement of creation/creativity/engineering and just beauty and wonder. I decided to not go deeper and so I did not meditate maybe 5 minutes as the trip was already so intense. It's difficult to describe it in words. Every video I watched had so many information based synchronistic insights. I was just in awe of the constant synthesis nothingless like an ever-cascading wonderland of sheer beautfy of informational depth coming from the infinite mind. I thought about deeper complex questions of god and I was just awe-struck at my own stupidity for not asking these deep questions even more relative ones. 

Like gods omnipotence, what are considered omnipotent factors? Infinite time? Infinite space? Infinite power? Infinite Consciouness? Infinite Magic? Infinite Creation? How can god even be stopped? What is a limit? What is a contstraint? What is logic? What is a self-reference? Why do I reach back towards myself? Why do I see myself reaching back to my self? I thought about doing UM turn back practice, yet it was all in all to intense and I wanted to explore and not dive in hells deep into a very strong trip. As well as thinking constantly about from and non-form. I was internally deeply relaxed my sense of self was very strongly attenuated. It was more consciouness and I merged more and more in outer space. It was similar to a unification process that happens with hear out technique out techniques from Shinzen and I felt more pan-psychic love equal love for every object that exists in the universe. I was just awe-struck by everything and tried to understand how consciouss the people in the videos are and their thought processes/insights etc. As I also watched Leo/Shinzen/Ralston videos to get more of a taste of non-dual and casual states. I had a lot a lot of insights into cessation and causal state phenomena: I am cracking open some books to describe what I want through. Not in perfection but according to integral theory. As I went into the cessation casual state insights seeing it even in outer phenomenon. I was basically eaten by the clarity of the re-incarnated nature of love. Leo loved me. Shinzen Loved me. In that sense the me the every sense of self that people have and it was like a tear drop of a soul was dropped into every being and it was also my soul in that sense. That would describe the timelessness of the subtle experience... 

I started to really love the infinite quality of space, infinity quality of potential and imagination. I started to notice this is transcended and an ever deeper state of cessation drops in yet I saw it sort of in outer phenomena as everything was merging and morping and I saw infinite space and depth sort of outside of myself, but not inside myself. It is not easy to describe.

I loved pain. I started to love the feeling of pain and it's cessational qualities. My sense of self was ever deeper attenuated I really had to focus to get to the last bits and pulls of it and if I wanted to do that I'd had to go into a deep meditation. Many saints seemed to focus on this path also of subtle self and I felt such a strong conviction of my own saint hood even when I notice my ego still. I was in awe of this clarity of love, spaciouness I could love you in that state if you'd be Hitler I would love you to death as my soul craves this. My theoretical mind went into this ever bearing fractal mode if infinity reaching itself down upwards like my own hand reaching towards my heart telling me and others feel more of this love and bring it to others give them the positive love that they need. All the conversations I watched reminded me about the beauty of being human and travelling. I was so convinced that my LP is the right choice and that I am the ultimate creator. The idea of potency and all the instant informational synchronities that reach back to book to book from book to book to podcast/video etc to memory of memory of memory of memory. Whatever. The evearbearing nature of information at Yellow was so obvious. It's fault it's win-win greed ego good hearted nature. I was just amazed by this double saint experience. I would say I love life and nature more ever deeper than I could imagine. I noticed so much but I need a different space. I would go through some banghda and I really need this people don't understand animal nature and trauma. I kept thinking about how do I explain this to my psychologist, she basically is a robot at TIER 1 with TIER 2 head any conscious phyiscal object that has a sense of consciouness has more depth  and I had this sense the whole time. Like what if what if an alien life form lands/robot etc. and we are tested based on consciouness. As well as how it feels to be equal in consciouness with an object given in 3d space time. 

Oh and I noticed why I love 3's in the enneagram and why effort is such an important topic nowadays imo. I really felt the magic of being a child again had a lot of positive resolving trauma experiences crying that my grandpa died sitting in a wheelchair when I was 6-7 never getting to know the person. He communicating with me trying his best to be loving in a sense.  All the informational sort of for MBTI fans. SI transformational nature for NI driven INFJ it was hell. Hell loving itself and back. Like imagine an SI person torturing me with factual/registered information/ list after list after list. I noticed my perosnal ego craves this transformation. It was the hell it was seeking to transform and I was so thankful that my memory is of emotional and not factual nature. I cried at siddih stuff. I can't believe it I can't believe i trust my perception and it's accurate and I keep doubting consciously. Doubt/cessation doub cessation. Full stop. Relax. Gone. I was just deeply rested in the perceptual truth regardless if it was morphing twisting turning. Everything was truth. Falsehood was truth. Pain was truth etc. 

After this I watched some Leo video about Don't know and Love and I noticed sort of our subtle personal connection over the years and had like siddih type pheonomena where I am unsure how far I keep deluding myself as I keep playing god. I started to love Leo more and more and saw his good hearted generous nature that seems so misunderstood. It really reminded me of my friend and at one point I just came to the conclusion we are on and the same. Why do i even generate the notion of hate in my head. Just because of collective opinions and backlash and "personal" "grudges" I had. I cried at this infantile human nature and was just thankful that the love connection sort of exists. This also goes for Shinzen and the everbearign nature of good will and forgivness I was just thankful there is no true captial H Hate. 

Oh I was so thankful for the notion of good in everyone, how we can hold in my own words to consistent ultimate positive regard for each other and each others values and see their god hod / subtle soul in that sense. I kept thinking about questions how I can integrate this with my psychologist as she seems so useless in comparrision to the control I had over this trip and the clarity. I thought I had to bring this back to practice she can't avoid it and I am looking for away to explain as she is super open minded and she has meditative experiences in a tradition where I can explain this theory to her. Even if she will laugh and feel stupid because I have to go over her head to show that I was over her head.... and then translate it into her nature. To give rise to potential.

This all happend during the peak if I had to summarize:

• I loved my double saint nature in myself and the other person
• Clarity of love, spaciouness, seeing it in space morphing and forming and contrasting colors
• Expansive self
• Attenuated self
• Infinite space, spaciouness, expansivness
• Everbearing notion of infinity and it's "multiplicative" nature similar to indras net 
• Gods ominpotent nature of me
• The awesomeness of asking philosophical question and how the observer gives back answers
• Crazy visual phenomena/ audible hearing my own name 
• Consistent predictions of the mind that are accurate based on information given sort of NI synthesis on super super supe crack this was beyond hyper and I had an omniscient experiences that gave me a taste how schizopherenic experiences happen. The point is just never bellieving anything even if it seems true and to get on with the experience. This is certainly not mainstream. There will not be much validation. This "makiyo" type pheonmena is unspoken gold... for many. Many teachers don't talk about this I am happy Shinzen did varjana and saw deities etc. Insects crawling on him etc. As DMT is soon coming. etc. 
• I had a lot of beautiful subtle inner visions I was in joy and awe of my mind 
• I noticed state is everything there is nothing but state and I loved it structure is state. State is all there is as theory is also a construct that is state...
• Crazy visual phenomena like seeing myself appear on my screen / my face for a brief time
• Love of a saint loving all beings equally deeply from a place of no-self
• Abundance
• Ultimate positive regard
• Seeing my own saint hood
• Subtle addicitons
• To intense of an experience to medtiate
• Love of death and seeing it's perennial nature
• More love for the relative self.
• Panpsychic love

Offset:

I keept watching videos and started to lay down in my bed as I noticed the peak is ending and everything is still morphing and bubling I felt a lot of abundance and how important it is to be confident in life and have a strong presence like a lion hunting a gazell. I noticed how contemporary culture demonizes men after talking also to trans people etc. I thought to myself it's very bad and incorrect partially and also very much justified a lot of SJW are correct, they are just to aggressive in their approach. I became very aware of how important autonomey is and how authority is outsourced because of a lack of responsibility. I went through my head how art and culture always displays men white beared men in museums, exhibitions etc. I kept thinkin about my second name which is fking ancient and basically has the meaning of Saturn or is named after the planet of Saturn what that means in roman mythology. How men abuse their power and I kept thinking about healthy masculinity presence abundance just radiating pure strength and joy. How important that is no matter how fragile you are obvious the more you embody the physical nature energy of this feeling. Exercise and meditation I find creates a lot of these abundant masculine transcended ego self experience and I was sort of in awe of how healthy masculinity feels it's positive ever giving nature. It's like a hand reaching out towards you grabbing you making you feel warm. I keept also thinking about the good will qualties of a mother as they seemed very similar. Sort of the love of a saint hood mother not ever letting go of her child infusing it with pure love and good will of morality sort of. Just the notion that morality even exists and that you should love it no matter what even when you do something wrong I will forgive you.

This perpetuated itself and I dritfted of slowly becoming sleepy although I could not sleep at all till 18:00 the next day. I smoked some weed and this potentiate the trip a lot way to much by 2-4h approx. I'll leave it at this. I might add and edit later. As this is already a lot to read and I don't know if someone can give me even feedback. 

Afterglow:

Same as offset with just becoming more sleepier nothing very profound just the lasting existence of the profoundness that preceeded continued on.

Terminology:

Gross: body-mind simply said physiological self with the person self. 

Subtle: Expansiveness in consciouness, soul self arises more disidentification with gross body, open, luminous, loving clarity, aware of re-incarnated nature of that creates a sense of timelessness(I was digital and physically), higher and wider deep spaciouness

Subtle Is not: Awarness of past lifetimes and awarness of specific events more a soul awakening to openess, spaciouness and expansivness without identification with gross releam

Causal: Space Time becoming archetypal the matrix basically let's caital M Matrix. I dunno how else to relate more normaly for stage Green, I leave it at this because I had basically casual additction of subtle state I could not let go of the subtle and I did not want to because of fear. 

 It was a lot, yet I am pretty clear I explored subtle space. Mainly love and infinite space.

I also thought I really wanted to give Leo feedback as he takes so much time and effort to create these videos I forgot like 90% of my critcism in that sense good feedback. Hope the post helps <3.

Side notes/Remarks:
I was also amazed how chill Elon seemed to be around Lex. I really thought it was cool to see because I received some insider info and sometimes I panic about politics, it's all a game in the end... hopefully it ends well. 

I also see every creator watches his videos in 2x. Sort of the repetitive subconscious nature and how well integrate a person seemd was very obvious on 2x. 

Edited July 30, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Any feedback to this is this relatebale?