This fear of others seems to ruin my experience with them...

[Illusory Self]

I notice time again, going on loads of the dates that I have this root underlying fear of being seen. This run incredibly deep within my own psyche and causes uncomfortable emotions on dates. I go on the date without enjoying the process of socializing. I don't enjoy socializing with anyone. It is like whenever I communicate with someone, I am afraid of saying something that makes no sense. Being judged. 

I signal it down to neediness. My cup is empty and sex is the reward. When I get sex, my cup will become full. That is only the dating aspect though. I generally put intense amount of pressure to try to socialize with others (even my family) and it is challenging for me to deal with. Even journaling. 

It is fundamentally a fear of self expressing myself. Imagine communicating by what you think you should say vs how you feel and just saying that. It is a subtle distinction that impacts all areas of my life when it comes to talking. 

It is like I am way to relient on the approval of others or 'closing' the girl when it comes to man/woman interactions. 

I invited this girl to mine the other night after I did not close her out in public. She is a stoner and I asked her to bring weed, so she did. Wow, smoking gave me such an insight into what is possible if I let go of any expectation of impressing the other. I felt like my game was on fire and was owning everything I said automatically. Funniness and comedy game to me so effortlessly. You know when the right words/thoughts just pop into your mind at that moment. 

I don't want to rely on that though but it was insightful

 

I don't learn much from dates because honestly the fear can be to much sometimes. I just talk and my mind gets cloudy, I speak sometimes. The conversation is there but it is incredibly platonic and friendly. I even get scared of leading the conversation. But I don't sexualize or there is a huge fear around expressing my masculine desires. I don't show any intent behind wanting to have sex with her. There is a fear of being seen. Like expressing my masculinity is so wrong. It gets repressed instead.

I am looking for practical tips on what to do on a date. After a date. I tried feeling into the emotion and letting it stay there last night but I felt like I didn't make much progress. I think shadow work needs to be done. My inner game is so horrible when it comes to dating that it really affects my outer game. I just cannot think where this horrible emotion of unworthiness/not being good enough came from. It feels foreign to me when I women looks attracted to me. Even though I can effortlessly get 3 dates a week. I don't get it. 

 

I think this is more of a self-expression/communication issue more than anything. It does not feel good repressing my masculine urges or scared of saying the wrong thing. 

The emotions are very uncomfortable when I mess up a date. 

 

Anyway going to go out tonight to do some approaches.. Going to try to enjoy the process... 

[universe]

This is normal. Can you feel and sit with this need for approval? Can you welcome that need more?

Just sit for a few minutes and let the feeling in.

Then when it's time, ask yourself if you would let it go and when.

Repeat how often you want.