Start of my actualized journey ?

[Jannes]

Hi, I am Jannes ✌?

This is my first video of my actualized journey.

I can pretty much grow in all aspects but spirituality, relationships and LP are the most important for me right now.

I want to take a journal to keep me accountable so it’s mostly for myself but I enjoy company on my journey.

I prefer videos over text right now because it feels more authentic to me but maybe it will change in the future idk.

I know that the video quality is shit and I don’t really have a plan of what I want to bring across or even how to communicate in the most coherent matter but I had fun and no journey starts with everything perfect right. That would neither be fun or authentic. ?

 

 

 

 

[Jannes]

Okay filming only filming myself might be a bad idea. I never do it. With text you can just write little things that came up. What is there to tell?

I deepened the connection with my sister. Spend some time with her when we visited our grandparents and we started texting a bit. I became conscious that the connection was almost completely lost in a recent trip and how much pain that brought to me. I also thought about how much more painful it might have been for my sister because she probably thought I rejected her. I never rejected her I was just going through very difficult times and was deeply ashamed of myself and simply didn’t thought that I was good enough for my sister. I wanted to be my little sisters hero and I kind of built an identity around that I think and when I get bullied and humiliated in school in the past I simply thought I wasn’t really worthed. I excused my unavailable behaviour by talking myself into "that’s just what teenagers are like“. I am so sorry my sister. I know I hurt you a lot. 

Thinking about changing my life career. Idk if I really want to become a teacher and it takes at least 5 more years until I am a full teacher. I will be 28 then wtf ? (sorry for everybody older then that but you know how it is ?)  I could maybe only study philosophy and teach as a math tutor. I could make decent money by doing that and if I want to become a teacher I can still easily become one with years of tutor experience and a philosophy exam. Becoming an actor is also a possibility. I just started acting classes and I absolutely love it. The self expression and coming out of your shelve frees you so much. And then I have so many ideas for startups. Investing 5-7 more years into studying and not giving all the other opportunities a shot feels wrong. I have to make this work somehow…
 

I posted a trip with my first taste of god consciousness. In a sense it was incredible but it was on magic truffles and magic truffles give you such a blurry version of stuff that it’s just not that great. Still hoping to get 5meo malt. If that doesn’t work I might have to work with lsd and maybe some stimulants for support. 
 

[Jannes]

Having difficulties finding the right direction in life. I am studying to become a teacher but I don’t know if that’s really what I want to become. I am in the first semester and there are 6 more semester to go plus 2 years of really stressful legal clerkship. So 5 years at least but probably 6-7 years for me because I need time for socializing and spirituality also to ground myself. That’s a huge investment for something I am not sure I want. I am pretty sure teaching in some kind of way is my LP but I don’t know if being a school teacher is it. Next semester I will put a lot of time into practice. I will work on schools, do internships, do tutoring and just a little bit of university stuff to get a real got taste of what it’s like to actually be a school teacher. Hopefully then I am more sure that this is what I want to do. 
 

[Jannes]

Almost sober mystical experience:
I really felt like how little of a grib my ego had on me this evening it was really nice. I couldnt sleep, I had to much energy. Something dragged me awake here and then. It were flashbacks from my recent truffles trip where I got into mystical experience territory. Also all of the spiritual concepts worked through me. Then suddenly my whole field of vision turned pitch black. I mean it was black before but now I got catapulted from my thoughts into that black field. I lost almost all grounding of reality. My sense as the viewer of all of that just hang on an incredible thin string. I tried to let go of that and I felt how my remaining Sense of self desperately defended itself and by doing that turned my eyes almost completly backwards. It managed to win but I didnt even care that much. A short time after that I was still awake and tried to reach that state again as I didnt want to get such a rare high consciousnis state get wasted. I invisioned how it would feel like to be without an ego. I managed to invision that state really clearly and tried to make a really clear path towards it by systemetically detatching from everything that I thought was me (bodymind..). Then my ego backlashed and showed me in a short swang all of my attatchments I had to let go off if I wanted to go to that state. It were like 6 (gf, theater, Family, Sense of self, … ). I pushed myself and said yes its okay I want to let go of all of that. My ego was battling super hard again and my almost turned backwards again. But again my ego succeded. Shortly after that I heard the Sound of the Alarm. I had to get ready for work :). 

[Jannes]

Discovered a trauma:

Somehow I always hated certain roller coaster in amusement parks. Although I was never really scared of any of them. I could do loops, crazy speed, big hights everything but what I hated was when the roller coaster when down fast. I always feel an incredible amount of pressure and unfomtortableness in my anus (or maybe root chakra) when that happens. It might sound funny and everybody always thought I was just scared but that was just the reality and I didn’t know what it was until today. Somehow my dad talked about a scene that happened to me then I was 2. I was in a water park with my dad and some adult friends. There was this really long slide and my dads friend talked me into doing it although I was super scared and didn’t want to do it. He was like "that’s what a real men would do“ and stupid toxic shit like that. I don’t know the exact details anymore but my dad asked me if we wanted to do it together and I trusted my dad whole heartedly and manipulated by my dads friend I agreed to it. Because my dad was so heavy we went down really fast. We flinged left and right and I was probably super scared to fall of my dads belly. I could even remember parts of the event. I was in mortal fear. As a final touch at the end of slide we submerged into the water and it took a good two seconds until we emerged from the water and could breath again. My dad rationalized it by saying that slides were built so nothing could happen. I know how I lost some trust in my dad that day because I never thought he would do something like that to me. 
Shit happens. I know and feel he is sorry for it and didn’t want this to happen of course.

[Jannes]

Reality has distractions everywhere. Where ever I look there are things that trigger me in some kind of way. Like flowers that spread an inviting smell. They want to pull me into a dream. That’s how I lived almost my whole life, jumping from dream to dream. Yesterday I spent 5 hours on YouTube just listening to music coming off the afterglow of a lsd trip. I could have clicked on so many videos just like I usually do but I didn’t feel the need to, I just listened to music. 

[Jannes]

Integrated some shadow manliness:
Last friday I was in a bar with like 5 female friends from theatre. It was just about hanging out. Two overweight guys in their late 40s who were kinda drunk sat next to us and started talking. We were kind of annoyed by them but we didn’t confront them. Then this one guy started to touch one of the girls at the shoulder who I sat parallel to and shortly after that proceeded to pull her to him first with her opposite shoulder and then with her neck. It was quite obvious that she wasn’t happy about it but also she didn’t make an effort to really show it. I don’t know when the last time was when I defended someone. Mostly because I couldn’t because I was a victim myself. So there were no paths and no reflexes that I could access to manage the situation with experience. I starred in the girls eyes for a good 5 seconds. I kind of wanted a signal like "Should I help you? Please show me with your eyes if I should help you.“ I couldn’t really make out anything. If anything she looked kind of intrigued by my intense stare. But from earlier experiences I knew that you can’t rely on eye contact or at least I wasn’t good enough at detecting the message so I made a rational decision. I said calmly with decent strength in my voice, eye contact and decent loudness „There is no problem with you sitting here and talking to us but it’s not okay to become physical.“ Luckily his friend was pretty understanding defending the situation in our favor. The guy confronted me and basically wanted to provoke me so he asked something like: „What is the problem with me being here“. I answered calmy „Your friend explained that pretty well to you.“ All the girls had the courage now to start to speak up. The guy confronted me again basically saying that he wants to fight me but the girls deascelated the situation pretty well. The girl that was sitting next to me at the outside said that she was to scared to go to the bartender and asked me if I can go and I jumped off immediately, got him there and he pulled the two guys away from our desk. All the girls said they were shaking in fear and thanked me for jumping in. At no point did I feel any fear which I found interesting. It was more that I calculated constantly how I could manage the situation if it actually got to a fight. The next day I had a few shakes. I am almost grateful that this situation happened because it helped me build a first building block for my "defender“ aspect of my personality which I can’t really build in my everyday safe life. 

[Jannes]

That’s the first time I really cried since I was a child.

I don’t know how god will show himself to me but most times when I had the feeling that there is a higher force behind all of it it was my awareness catching the miracolousness and love of natural phenomenon just like described in the poem.

Through her poem she says that everything is okay at the end because she points to a higher truth and mitigates existential pain through that.
I also always want to share my intuition with other people that everything is okay in the end. But I did not know what the best way would be. Maybe I will become a poet.