Cesco

How do i help someone let go of someone toxic

5 posts in this topic

so my friend had loneliness issues a few months ago (about 6-7 months) and she started talking to guy who ill call paul. For the short term of about the last 6 months the relationship developed and developed and developed and eventually paul got head over heels in love but she didnt feel the same. After the loneliness issue was fixed because he was giving her constant 24/7 attention. He thought she was in love with him because of the crucial mistake she made of not being authentic and telling him that she wasnt because she felt bad and didnt want to hurt his feelings because he has her loneliness problemx1000000.  So he kept constantly texting her and even when she told him that she needed to spend time with her family and other friends he wouldnt stop, and use guilt trips constantly. He also didnt let her talk to any other friends (male or female) because he had major jealousy issues as well and didnt want to lose her. Now, she started talking to me again because she sort of slipped out of his grasp but he was still around. After knowing that she was talking with me and literally a whole group of people she hadnt interacted with in months, he flipped his shit as you could probably guess and then after the tantrum he said he was sorry and the whole bit. This cycle repeats itself with her talking to other people and the relationship as a whole is toxic so i wanted to see if i could help it.  The first solution was sending the guy self help so the first thing i did instinctively was send him the leo video on how to make friends, and of course he didnt bother watching it. Then i moved to trying to talk to him myself and he said he wanted nothing to do with me. And finally i tried a last ditch effort i tried to explain to him what hes doing is unhealthy and he needs to change it. Thats pretty much a basic summary of the situation. Now, she wants to stop talking to him but part of her feels bad because he indirectly helped her with loneliness so she doesnt want to let go.  He also uses enough gilt trips to put my parents to shame, so that doesnt help. So im asking does anyone know any solutions to allow her to cut him off? Ive gotten her to block him on every platform but she has the inner desire to unblock him and talk to him which is the main problem.  (note: There are parts of the relationship i havent fully explained, if you have any questions about it let me know)

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23 minutes ago, JoeVolcano said:

So if she wants to talk to him then she should talk to him. If she wants to cut him off then she should cut him off.

I Agree.

I'm not judging, but it seems to me like an adolescent drama. I went through many like this. The point is that we sometimes make it so real and so important that we really feel entitled to be a hero and solve the shit for ourselves and others. But it can be a huge trap. 

What I would intuitively suggest (because I can't give advice), is to give it space and be patient. Be and act as an example by being loving and setting the necessary boundaries. Be happy and live your life. As we used to say in the army: words convince but example drags.

Many times drama feels super sexy and we want to have a whole to affirm ourselves. But the most sophisticated and efficient posture may be just allowing things to evolve and resolve by themselves. Acting with no attachment and only when really necessary.

It may be like a sacrifice at first, but later will be proud for being mature/wise and just letting go. 

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She needs to heal her emotional neediness, tell her to get internal family systems therapy.

You can also tell him to get it and heal his destructive impulses.

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3 hours ago, JoeVolcano said:

So if she wants to talk to him then she should talk to him. If she wants to cut him off then she should cut him off.

I agree, but she tells me constantly that she wants to cut him off but when it comes down to doing it she feels bad and cant do it. She actually asked me to talk to her constantly in order to get rid of her need to talk to him. What im asking is if there are any possible solutions to help her do so

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It is really not that hard to let go of someone toxic. Drop all communication with them. 

Realistically you are not going to be able to get most people to do any sort of self help. As much as your friend is asking for your help, it sounds like they are not really doing much to solve the problem. It might be tempting to try to fix these people, but it is going to be a waste of your time. 

 

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