How to attract good man/masculine energy into my life?

[Vxvxen]

Hi Actualizers,

I would appreciate to receive your perspective in my current situation.

I feel disappointed. Why does it seem like there's no one out there that would love me?

Every time I build myself up, starts to feel good about myself and start meeting new people, I seemed to get disappointed of the outcome - the guy doesn't like me, apparently he likes someone else.

I've invested emotionally into something that was never there in the first place - no friendship, no reciprocity - nada.

If there is no emotional investment into any friendship with guys - how would I get to know the guys as a person? Am i simply just chose the wrong kind of guys to engage with?

This part of me comes up: All the feelings of insecurity come up - am i not good enough? Am I not attractive enough? Am I not funny enough? Do I not care enough? Aren't i a good person that deserves love, care and affection?

What makes people feel that they want to date me or even value me? (I know that the moment I start valuing myself than others would value me too. How do i balance valuing myself with caring for someone else?)

How can I be immune from disappointments and at the same time chin up and keep on trying? How do i attract/manifest a good guy into my life?

As a female at 28, how do I get my basic needs met?

**On a side note, I am also on progress to discover and work on my life purpose. work on perfecting my lifestyle routines, build my self worth, try to network with different social circles - i do have guy friends, be kind to myself, invest, work on my side startup project, to do my 9-5 etc etc. I really hope to have everything together by the time I'm 30

[Arcangelo]

Boys and girls can not  be friends

Sorry

[Vxvxen]

@Something Funny hi, nice to meet you!

13 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

@Vxvxen I don't know. But you sound like a nice person. And you definitely deserve to be loved. (Viv: Are you by any chance like a very intuitive person to be able to judge that I'm a nice person through just one post?  Thank you, I am sure you are the same too!)

The only useful advise I have is that in my opinon you  shouldn't try to become immune from disappointments. Instead practice facing them and leaving through them with full awareness. Feel into that sensation of disappointment and allow it to be there. (Viv: Yeah, i did let myself feel disappointed, cried a little bit and wrote my frustration on here lol. Acceptance is key to embrace disappointments and opening of new doors to new way of seeing things. Feels painful though :/)

This will make you less afraid and you will be able to put yourself into more situations where you can potentially find a partner without stressing about fucking it up or getting disappointed. (Viv: The thing is, when I start caring, I would feel so vulnerable! I know I need to be vulnerable to be able to take risk and bet on the desired outcome, at the same time it's so scary!)

 

[Vxvxen]

@Arcangelo hi!

21 minutes ago, Arcangelo said:

Boys and girls can not  be friends (Viv: Yeah, especially when we all want something out of each other lol. For real though, it is sad when you grow older, start losing friends and have no other friends than your spouse, or even worse - old, miserable and single.)

Sorry

 

Edited July 24, 2022 by Vxvxen

[NoSelfSelf]

Having guy friends is a turn off for most guys

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmPFpBvDIkQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELlu-XQQPZw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLLZykU2C6g

Edited July 24, 2022 by Raze

[Devin]

8 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

Boys and girls can not  be friends

Sorry

Maybe one of the Psych experts on here can tell me it's something from my childhood, but I prefer female friends a bit more than male. Straight male here, their men don't like it though.

I like the contrast, and dudes are usually painfully insecure; you can feel them often comparing themselves to you, with women they just like you!

[Vxvxen]

@Something Funny

16 hours ago, Something Funny said:

@Vxvxen idk, I guess you can somewhat feel through the text what the perton is like.

Or maybe I am just a vey intuitive person  (Viv: Looks like you are very intuitive!)

There is this scene from anime One Piece that I like to remeber whenever I am feeling lonely  (Viv: No one born in this world are completely alone!  Thank you! )

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUmmE8Tcbqg

 

 

[Vxvxen]

@NoSelfSelf hi!

13 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Having guy friends is a turn off for most guys (Viv: ..because most guys feels insecure with other competition? How do i go about this?)

 

[Vxvxen]

@Raze hi!

13 hours ago, Raze said:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmPFpBvDIkQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELlu-XQQPZw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLLZykU2C6g

I've seen a lot of Matthew Hussey and John Gray videos, but i found that reality is attraction and relationship are far more complex than a simple 5-step tip to hook the guy/please the guy. Thanks for the links!

Edited July 25, 2022 by Vxvxen

[Vxvxen]

@Devin hi!

9 hours ago, Devin said:

Maybe one of the Psych experts on here can tell me it's something from my childhood, but I prefer female friends a bit more than male. Straight male here, their men don't like it though.

I like the contrast, and dudes are usually painfully insecure; you can feel them often comparing themselves to you, with women they just like you! (Viv: I feel like it is the same if I am female having male friends, it doesn't feel as threatening as when you are with your female peers in a sense you are indirectly competing against each other to stand out. When you're with the opposite sex, you are just different! There's nothing to be compared with.) 

 

[Vercingetorix]

@Vxvxen "You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens" Rumi
My advise is that instead of trying to avoid disappointments - accept them, chase them, befriend them until they lose  power over you. Practice meditation and know some therapy to be able to handle the emotions.

Also -What kind of situations are you talking about? Are you trying to find a romantic partner for you life by first trying to befriend him? Do you notice when men are attracted to you? what do you do about it?


 

[mr_engineer]

@Vxvxen If I were you, I would take all of my self-understanding in the context of Life-Purpose, money and especially health and apply it in the context of sexuality and embodying my authentic sexuality. That's what's the most important when it comes to attracting men. Especially the high-quality ones. 

Sexual energy is creative energy. So, if you're able to be creative at work, you can do the same in bed! And, if you're working on your self-worth issues, you will probably have worked on some body-dysmorphia too. So, after you've found yourself sexually and you've worked on your body-issues, you'll know which body-parts you'd like to attract men to. Then, you get to flaunt those body-parts and dress sexy, essentially. And, do it in a context where the kind of guys you want hang out. And finally, it would be best if their Life-Purposes align with your core-values behind your Life-Purpose, so that you can grow together. 

A couple more points - it would be great if you can agree on religion and politics. Religion being your ideas of God and politics being your ideas of the right way to do things, collectively. This way, if you agree on God, you agree on the fundamental nature of reality, your metaphysics will align, so you will 'get each other' and you'll be living in the same reality. And, if you agree on politics, you will agree on how to manage things in your relationship and you will be able to come up with a strategy to pursue your collective goals that you both agree on. 

HTH!!  

[aurum]

21 hours ago, Vxvxen said:

What makes people feel that they want to date me or even value me?

Value is always subjective and relative to what people want.

So different people are going to value very different things.

If I’m a guy that values materialism, I am going to value a girl who also likely values materialism and supports my materialist values.

Likewise, a guy who values intimacy or connection in a relationship will seek out a girl who provides that.

So the question is NOT “how do I be valuable to all guys?”. The question I would ask is “how do I be valuable to the guys I also value?”.

Otherwise you will simply to trying to please every guy you meet, including one’s who you don’t even want to attract.

So maybe make a list. What do the guys I want value?

You should just be able to look at their behavior and get some clues.

Personally, here is a short list of some of the things I look for:

1) A desire for self-actualization and spiritual work

2) Good communication and relationship skills

3) Good friends

4) A job / career they feel good about (unless they feel good about not working)

5) Playfulness, sense of humor

6) Authenticity and freedom of expression

7) Ability to get along with my friends and family

8) Good fashion sense

9) Looks

10) Shared lifestyle goals

21 hours ago, Vxvxen said:

**On a side note, I am also on progress to discover and work on my life purpose. work on perfecting my lifestyle routines, build my self worth, try to network with different social circles - i do have guy friends, be kind to myself, invest, work on my side startup project, to do my 9-5 etc etc.

That sounds good.

21 hours ago, Vxvxen said:

I really hope to have everything together by the time I'm 30

You won’t, but that’s okay too.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Vxvxen I mean on the one hand yes but on the other hand red pill ideology says to be careful with women with male friends because shes either too masculine or they need constant male attetion that spiral into drama...and they ate all those red pills up... ?

[Grateful Dead]

Masculine men are looking for feminine women. How much do you embody your femininity?

[BlueOak]

Do you love yourself? If people are not loving you, it could be a direct reflection of you not loving yourself.

23 hours ago, Vxvxen said:

What makes people feel that they want to date me or even value me? (I know that the moment I start valuing myself than others would value me too. How do i balance valuing myself with caring for someone else?)

Can't you do both? You are thinking of it like one needs to lose for the other to gain, this is limited way of looking at the time you spend together as a couple. Life can be many things at once.

Even just using the word value, I would not pick that. It sounds like an exchange, rather than the meaningful relationship part of you is seeking, almost like you have two principles in conflict. If you want people to love you, don't put a value on yourself. Don't think in those limiting terms. Really learn to love yourself, who you are with and both you of you together as a couple. Think of the word us, rather than you and him.

You didn't suffer a loss, your relationship did, both of you together.

[Sine]

2 hours ago, aurum said:

Value is always subjective and relative to what people want.

So different people are going to value very different things.

If I’m a guy that values materialism, I am going to value a girl who also likely values materialism and supports my materialist values.

Likewise, a guy who values intimacy or connection in a relationship will seek out a girl who provides that.

So the question is NOT “how do I be valuable to all guys?”. The question I would ask is “how do I be valuable to the guys I also value?”.

Otherwise you will simply to trying to please every guy you meet, including one’s who you don’t even want to attract.

So maybe make a list. What do the guys I want value?

You should just be able to look at their behavior and get some clues.

Personally, here is a short list of some of the things I look for:

1) A desire for self-actualization and spiritual work

2) Good communication and relationship skills

3) Good friends

4) A job / career they feel good about (unless they feel good about not working)

5) Playfulness, sense of humor

6) Authenticity and freedom of expression

7) Ability to get along with my friends and family

8) Good fashion sense

9) Looks

10) Shared lifestyle goals

That sounds good.

You won’t, but that’s okay too.

This is great advice 

[Devin]

6 hours ago, Vxvxen said:

@Devin hi!

Maybe one of the Psych experts on here can tell me it's something from my childhood, but I prefer female friends a bit more than male. Straight male here, their men don't like it though.

I like the contrast, and dudes are usually painfully insecure; you can feel them often comparing themselves to you, with women they just like you! (Viv: I feel like it is the same if I am female having male friends, it doesn't feel as threatening as when you are with your female peers in a sense you are indirectly competing against each other to stand out. When you're with the opposite sex, you are just different! There's nothing to be compared with.) 

 

I think it can be a really nice type of relationship. I don't have a sister and I think it's sort of similar to a brother sister relationship. Being friends with a woman in a non sexual relationship really adds some variety being around someone with mutual interests but you're also so different in some ways, and it definitely helps you get in touch with your feminine side, in a sexual relationship that doesn't really happen and I'm not sure you would want it to.

Edited July 25, 2022 by Devin

[Vxvxen]

@Vercingetorix hello

7 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

@Vxvxen "You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens" Rumi
My advise is that instead of trying to avoid disappointments - accept them, chase them, befriend them until they lose  power over you. Practice meditation and know some therapy to be able to handle the emotions. (Viv: Yeah i think time will heal me as i turn my focus in other areas of my life until I am ready to throw myself out there again.)

Also -What kind of situations are you talking about? Are you trying to find a romantic partner for you life by first trying to befriend him? Do you notice when men are attracted to you? what do you do about it? (Viv: Thank you for these questions. I usually try to get to know guys by just talking/befriending and try to feel off the vibes - if a guy sounds desperate, then I would avoid it because i feel uncomfortable around him. When a guy comes off as confident, then I would want to talk to him more. I would ask questions and start to make conversations. The thing is with guys who has a general sense of self confidence - I get friendzoned by them. So, even if i find a guy interesting it is hard for me to get them to like me. I told one of my discord friend about this for advice and he said, "you sound like you don't have a strong sense of self in terms of what are your preferences/boundaries/values etc." From what i hear from him was I sounded wishy washy?! Quick question: What kind of girls would attract you? What kind of first impression does guys love to see when they meet someone new? Of course I'd guess it's more of how hot is she, but what if I'm not 10/10? Advice please!)