The Intentional Folly

[Nilsi]

I find myself in, what seems to me a weird bind between, on the one hand going all out on my education (which would involve reading a ton of books) applying myself more to work on current societal problems (which would take away time from my formal education) and going deeper into spiritual work (which would probably make me not give a fuck about either anymore). 

The thing is that I really, deeply care about whats going on in the world right now in regards to civilizational risk like AI, climate change, breakdown of social coherence etc. and I would find it deeply meaningful to work on these things and apply myself as best I can. The thing is also that I kind of know that this is more or less me getting hung up on this shit to create some sense of purpose and trajectory for my life. I also love the more "impractical" pursuit of philosophy and psychology and understanding just for its own sake. And I also really want to resolve this whole awakening thing once and for all. It seems like they are all connected somehow but I cant wrap my mind around how to reconcile them.

I would love to just go all in and really focus my attention on getting the thing, whatever it ends up being, done. I can kind of see how I could educate myself and also work on these more global issues, but that seems kind of antagonistic to everything I learned here on actualized.org when it comes to life purpose, which would be just focusing on my own thing and creating personal success; There really is no such thing as personal success in fixing humanity, there will be no medal awarded and there wont be a big paycheck for it either and the best meassure of success I could hope for is that we at least dont blow ourselves up too quickly. I dont really care for money or status for its own sake and Im happy to sacrifice either, but its still feels like a bit of a murky and extremely idealistic path to go down. Also in the back of my mind Im thinking about the "Toxic Life Purpose" and Im aware that Im not coming from a place of total selflessness and altruism, but am mainly interested in this for the meaning and sense of purpose and adventure it evokes in me.

When I first started to really dive deep into this whole civilizational risk thing I was in a place of deep nihilism and I was starving for meaning and it was more or less do or die for me, but as I got more serious about it I really started to enjoy it and felt a deep sense of calling to it, but its still kind of a perverted thing; Im willingly tending to all this suffering and catastrophe and then want to declare myself heroic for fixing it. Its like shooting someone in the arm and then licking his wound. 

Im fully aware of how I am creating this meaning and Im fully aware that I have to create some kind of meaning no matter what, but I dont want to make it too obvious and low-hanging and just jump on the next best thing. I keep thinking about Don Juans "intentional folly." You have to do this somehow, yet Its antagonistic to Truth. But at what point do you say: "Enough is enough, Ive had my fair share of Truth, Im committing to the play now." It seems that you cannot live a purposeful, adventurous life if youre not deeply bought into the story, but the story also changes so quickly these days, that you kind of have to change and morph all the time. My head is spinning and I dont want to contemplate this stuff all the time, I would rather live my life as fully as I can. Maybe the wise thing to do is to not go to the meta drawingboard all the time and just focus on whats in front of you, but even then, my talent is in thinking on these big picture, meta levels, so Im always drawn to them naturally. Im constantly ping-ponging between these different pursuits and Im unable to give my all to any of them, but I also dont want to just shut them out of my experience.

The thing is I can not run away from these societal problems, they will always catch up to me as long as Im in this history. I also cant ignore the Truth forever. I also cant just read some dead old white men all day and ignore the prior two realities. Maybe ignorance really is bliss, but then what part do you ignore? That doesnt really solve anything.

I dont want an answer on what to do with my life, Im mainly doing this to just get my thoughts on this sorted a bit and to get some feedback on what I might be missing.

Edited July 22, 2022 by Nilsi

[puporing]

Thanks for sharing.

My thoughts are whatever you pursue in this reality, we do need more who can shed more light and truth and love onto it, if you care about the evolution of consciousness.

In the context of the relative, you could align your doing and being with your top values and carve out your own path if it's not been done before. Awakening helps you be more free in your choices and ways to go about things.

You are consciousness evolving, in that sense it has meaning intrinsically.

This right here is also God, and there's plenty to love here. The point is also to see the beauty/spirit of what's here, fall in love with it.

Perhaps with the life purpose/work you may have to find a way that grants you relative sovereignty and independence so you could stay the most true to your vision, top values, and truth as you see it.

Hope that helps.

Edited July 23, 2022 by puporing

[aurum]

7 hours ago, Nilsi said:

I can kind of see how I could educate myself and also work on these more global issues, but that seems kind of antagonistic to everything I learned here on actualized.org when it comes to life purpose, which would be just focusing on my own thing and creating personal success; 

Your life purpose will only be strengthened if it is connected to solving real problems for humanity. In fact, anything short of that would be a shallow life purpose.

If you experience personal success, it should be because you helped people.

7 hours ago, Nilsi said:

and going deeper into spiritual work (which would probably make me not give a fuck about either anymore). 

Spiritual work will dispel you of any illusions surrounding your motivation to do help society. This is true. And in that case, you may suffer from becoming demotivated at times. You may even change careers or dropout of working altogether. No one can really predict.

But ultimately, assuming you’re really doing the work, this is actually growth and necessary purification.

Given that you live in modern society and have the needs of a modern person,  you need some sort of career. Even if it’s outside the box. Awakening will not change that. You will still have to do practical things to survive if you want to live.

The deepest trap with getting obsessed with your LP is that you get so wrapped up in it that you forget to awaken. It is a trap, but a high quality trap.