How to not give a f what other people think

[Jannes]

I am naturally a very agreeable person. And I noticed recently how this agreeableness intales giving other people a very strong authority to judge me rather then me judging myself. And this makes it really hard for me to get out of my shell socially because when I let all of my actions be judged by others and not by me then I can only do what is with a very strong likelihood accepted by everybody. Plus I also haven’t socialized enough in the past 6 years so my sense and experience of what is accepted by others is pretty small. So all of this makes me really uncomfortable around others because there is just such little room for me to express myself. To give myself some breathing room I have to (re-)learn how to not care about what other people think of me. I already did that myself like 6 years ago with dumb motivational videos and stuff like that. You probably know what I am talking about. Because I put so much inner energy into it it actually kinda worked. But only kinda because I suppressed a shitton of emotions and there was actually a Lot of shame and stuff like that that build up behind the surface. And obviously you should also still care to an extend about other peoples opinion because you aren’t perfect. So I want to do it better this time. 
Any book suggestions? I would love to have a book that has a holistic approach to this. Maybe written from stage yellow instead of orange. 

[Bird Larry]

You can't learn this from a book. Some books may help, but ultimately you'll have to rely on your own. One of the mistakes I made was that I tried to offend people on purpose to learn how to stop giving a damn what others think of me. Not knowing that is exactly something a person would do when he gives a damn what others think of him. So, whenever there is opportunity to do the 'right' thing, do it. Even so it will offend people. Even so it will not offend people, do the 'right' thing. But don't mistake doing 'anything' just to offend people. 

When we're done with outwardly doing the 'right' actions, you'll also have to have the right spirit. Actions may help with your mind, and sometimes your mind can help with your actions. It goes both ways. In terms of helping your own mind grow, it is twofold. One you read and put in effort. The other you contemplate and meditate. Putting in effort and knowledge is fairly simple as our schools have been teaching us to do this since birth. But the hard one is to meditate and contemplate. As you know the saying goes, better than the one who can kill 10,000 soldiers, it's the one who can win himself who is superior. This quote came from a Taoists script. So as you take on this quote, you needn't be too harsh on yourself if you aren't fully realized spiritually since doing so would be more difficult than beating 10,000 warriors alone.

Edited July 22, 2022 by Bird Larry

[Vercingetorix]

@Jannes Hi
let me guess ,You didn't have a healthy Masculine role model in your life?

Book - No more mister nice guy helped me a lot in that.

Advise: Stop being needy. Unhook from neediness by:
1) Practicing pickup / being social ( "Invincible" course by David Tian is great)
2) Creating abundance of friends and a social circle.
3) Meditating and learning to enjoy the moment
4) Creating a life of Flow and taking joy in what you do
5) facing loneliness and accept it or even enjoy it

Edited July 23, 2022 by Vercingetorix

[Jannes]

45 minutes ago, Vercingetorix said:

@Jannes Hi
let me guess ,You didn't have a healthy Masculine role model in your life?

Kinda. I have a dad but he is less confident then my mom most of the time who isn’t that confident. He got crippled in his childhood when people didn’t let him express himself.

45 minutes ago, Vercingetorix said:

Book - No more mister nice guy helped me a lot in that.

Advise: Stop being needy. Unhook from neediness by:
1) Practicing pickup / being social ("The social man" or "Invincible" by David Tian is good)
2) Creating abundance of friends and a social circle.

That’s true. Everytime I felt I had abundance I didn’t care so much anymore because people could be replaced. Of course you want to have deeper friendships but party people come and go. 

I give the book a shot, thanks!

50 minutes ago, Vercingetorix said:

3) Meditating and learning to enjoy the moment
4) Creating a life of Flow and taking joy in what you do
5) facing loneliness and accept it or even enjoy it

Also good points.

[StarStruck]

It is like asking “which line should I use to build big muscles?” Stop asking about lines and start doing push ups. Do the exercises. Go do something weird and don’t give a damn. Go out social norms. Ask somebody for a cigarette. Go out and take a shit in a park. Do something out of your comfort zone.  Expand yourself. 

Edited July 22, 2022 by StarStruck

[NoSelfSelf]

Because you depend on them and now you want a book to depend on that book and cycle never ends!

[Arcangelo]

On 7/22/2022 at 0:06 AM, Jannes said:

I already did that myself like 6 years ago with dumb motivational videos and stuff like that. You probably know what I am talking about

I do

[Arcangelo]

 

[Vercingetorix]

Quote

Kinda. I have a dad but he is less confident then my mom most of the time who isn’t that confident. He got crippled in his childhood when people didn’t let him express himself.

exactly the kind of dad that leads a the nice guy syndrome (I have a similar dad).}}

 

Quote

That’s true. Everytime I felt I had abundance I didn’t care so much anymore because people could be replaced. Of course you want to have deeper friendships but party people come and go. 

I give the book a shot, thanks!

Did you start reading/hearing it? 

[Jannes]

22 minutes ago, Vercingetorix said:

Did you start reading/hearing it? 

No..

I probably would have forgotten about it.
 

There is a quote from Alan Watts that I really love and that kinda fit here „You own it to other people to be as selfish as you are.“ So don’t say stuff just to make other people happy that isn’t true because they will rely on you. I am just scared to not please other people I guess. 
 

[Vercingetorix]

@Jannes That's why the book is for you
you have it on audiobook format in YouTube BTW

https://youtu.be/XYEFPar4D6E

[Jannes]

I limited my time on YouTube but I got it on audible. 

Edited July 25, 2022 by Jannes

[Jannes]

@Vercingetorix I am not good at attacking new things immediately but I am now at around 50% of the book.

At first I was like "Nah, I am above this petty nice guy bullshit“ but then it often reflected patterns that I do exactly as said in the book. It’s really weird because I can pretty much understand every single pattern he described of a nice guy perfectly not just on an intellectual level but also on an emotional level. It’s like all of these patterns either are me or WERE me. I discovered that I put a lot of work into solving my nice guy syndrome which I didn’t even know. It’s hard for me evaluate how much nice guy is still in me but definetly more then I thought. Especially the fear that people reject me for being human is still huge. So I think I tackled some of the outwards stuff already but most of the underlying emotional sources are still not properly met. 
I definetly take a lot of value out of this book, thanks men.

[Devin]

I don't sense this will translate well to someone else but it might, what works for me is thinking about how short life is; don't waste time and energy and your emotional well being on what fools think, so do what you want how you want, no one will remember it in 100 years, people are fools; they're not logical, so they're ideas about you are not only ephemeral but obscure

[Loba]

I don't have any book suggestions, but as someone who has worked through a large portion of this - while sometimes falling back on these vulnerabilities, I can tell you what worked for me was realizing that when people judge you, negatively or positively, it's usually only a small portion of you.  And so, while feedback is helpful, it is better to view it from an objective lens and see if it is actually true in your experience.  If it is true, positively or negatively, you can take action on it or not, and if it is not true then you can roll your eyes and move on.

The truth is, humans, in order to live, generally have to make snap judgements about one another as we interact with so many different types of people, it is hard to get a clear picture on everyone that you meet.  So this is just part of their natural filtering process.  It will never encompass everything that you are, your entire history, your psychology - people are not made of quick judgements, we are inside of it all entire books of personal history and are each unique and very complicated.

So the next time someone judges you, try seeing how accurate it is.  Sometimes these judgements can be helpful in seeing blind spots that you might have, but don't take them personally.  They are literally a single piece in an entire jig-saw puzzle that is You.  And don't worry if they do, it isn't the end of the world.  It just means that they are not the right people for you, and knowing that is a good thing.  Try doing your best to view each judgement as a positive thing, spin it in this way.

[eos_nyxia]

A more direct and systematic approach is to keep doing what scares you socially, even if bit by bit, in a way that you find sustainable. (Check yourself before you wreck yourself!)

Like... open up and share a bit more about your life than you would normally share, tell a joke that might fall flat. Potentially be a bit overshare and even potentially a bit "cringe" with your feelings. Risk embarrassing yourself a little. Say hi and start a conversation with someone that you would normally never talk to (but not even necessarily because you wanted anything specific from them, or that you expected or hoped it would go anywhere specifically...)

Show up in feeling your body and your emotions a bit more than you might otherwise, give yourself permission to take up more space.

 

Sometimes your current comfort level is not a great gauge of where you should stay at the moment... but no need to wreck yourself.