Cannot Forget My Ex - An Ego Thing?

[Stelka]

Hi everyone,

It's been three years I left my ex-boyfriend but I'm still thinking of him. I left him because for many reasons we couldn't be together. I liked him as a person but he was becoming violent when angry and was a very negative person, always complaining about other people without seeing his own faults and manipulating me (he was very intelligent and it took me some time to realise it). 

I think we deeply loved each other (first love for both of us at 17) but I though that time will make me forget him. And still, I am going from time to time to check his facebook, when I see pictures with his new girlfriend I feel sad... The worst is I am with someone since 3 years now, and I feel bad to be still thinking about my ex. I miss my ex in some way, I miss his parents... I used to still meet his Mom twice a year and it is something I am trying to stop because it makes me sad not to be part of this family anymore. None of my friends understand why I am still thinking about him, for everybody it seems it should be old story, especially because I am very happy with my new boyfriend.

How to let go? How can I stop this jealousy when I see him with his new girlfriend? 

I would love to get your thoughts on that. 

[Guest]

It's always hard to get over your first love. But I think it's unfair to your new boyfriend if you keep thinking about the ex. How can you give 100% in this relationship and love your new boyfriend 100% if the ex is still lingering in the back of your mind? Are you really happy with the new boyfriend? Maybe he cannot give you something that your ex was able to give you...maybe even it's true love. 

Maybe you need to resolve something with your ex, maybe you need to meditate a lot.

[phizzuela]

Though it seems to be hard, try to accept it. There is something within you that is still unhappy how things evolved, something still resists in accepting the situation as it is. You may regret your decision of breaking up with your ex, and the famous 'what if' question wanders through your subconscious mind. But things are as they are, try to shake off your thoughts about the past and live in the moment. You can do that by becoming more aware of your inner state, your feelings, your beliefs about your past and present relationship. Its up to you how you going to do it (meditation, journaling, contemplation), but try to become more conscious about the situation; consciousness is key for acceptance. If you really still feel sympathy for your ex, wish him the best and kiss him goodbye for good.

[Stelka]

Thanks for your comments. 

I feel like something is holding me back to the past although I absolutely never want to get back with my ex. I've started meditating a few months ago, it has helped me a lot to control my emotions. I am not thinking about my ex on a daily basis like before, but I am worried because everytime I catch myself thinking about him, seeing a photo, it brings some negative stuff out (jealousy, sadness...).  

I am very happy with my current boyfriend, he is the complete opposite of my ex, we share the same values, have the same mentality. We have a very balanced relationship. I actually left my ex to be with this guy.

I was thinking it could be an Ego or lack of confidence thing, that I still need my ex's attention. 

Maybe I should meet my ex, have an open conversation? 

@phizzuela I will try to research more on consciousness, there are probably some unconscious issues that I haven't dealt with or that I still don't understand myself...

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Stelka said:

Maybe I should meet my ex, have an open conversation? 

This may be the solution, but it also may be the biggest mistake. What do you want to talk about? Would you want to bring your new bf with you, or at least tell him about it?

[Stelka]

Since there is this "something" holding me back from moving on, I could imagine meeting my ex would help me to figure it out. But it could also cause some damage as it is a pretty negative and overly sensitive person.

Actually, he tried to win me back for over one year after the break up and I refused to meet him because I was afraid he would manipulate me into getting back with him.

But of course, trying to discover what the problem is on my own is also a solution, that's why I am also asking for opinions here...

[Guest]

I still see my first love in my dreams. It was nearly 6 years ago when we broke up and never talked to each other again.

It's funny tho.

Edited February 12, 2016 by Sarper

[Free Spirit]

Hi Stelka, are you happy in your life now with your boyfriend and the things you do together?  Or are things boring??  Maybe think about what kind of life you would like and suggest new things to do and participate in with your new boyfriend that may make you enjoy life a bit more.  Maybe even get into something of your own, a new sport, hobby, an outings group etc... If you are happy and busy doing things you enjoy, you may not find time to be thinking so much of your ex??

[Stelka]

@Sarper I really hope it won't take me 6 years to solve this issue^^

@Free Spirit I must say things are far from boring in my personal life as well as in my couple I moved in with my boyfriend 3 months ago, I have many plans to start my own business and I am doing some dancing classes twice a week. I've travelled a lot and it has distracted me from this but never on a long term. But your remark is interesting because I actually noticed that I start thinking about my ex in specific situations. For example, when I have a fight with my current boyfriend, when I see a picture of him or somebody related to him, when I feel down or when I feel alone. 

 

[Free Spirit]

I believe old relationships should be treated in a way we remember them with a smile, but know that they were in the past, and we have become who we are today because of them.   We dont have to relive them, only the memory, (for a while) then let it go. x

Edited February 12, 2016 by Free Spirit

[Pola]

@Stelka I couldnt forget my first love for Seven! years.. comparing him and the way i felt with him with every man i met after, waiting him to contact me... it was really tough.. After these 7 years its not like i forgot about him just i stopped to wait... I had few boyfreinds after that, i was married, and still he was coming to my mind from time to time. I can say i completely let that first love go out of my mind only after i met the other guy a year ago... i can say only after meeting him i really really stopped care about the first love guy. So lets say from all the people i met in my life it had been only 2 of them that i can call the true love. Unfortunately i broke with the other guy too half a year ago... and i really really hope it wont take me another 7 years to even start to forget about him and what we had. I have never tried drugs but i think that this is something the drug men feel.. all their life becomes just a chasing for that pleasure.. to get it again.. and again, and like nothing else matters and cant be even compared to that. I hope that meditation really helps to cope with this kind of emotions. 

[Stelka]

@Pola It seems to be a very long process. But there must be a way to reach this state of mind where thinking about the ex is not painful anymore. I cannot imagine to wait until "the right person" makes me forget my ex. It could take years or even never happen....

Besides, I am already happy with my new boyfriend and the fact that some bad thought about my ex are regularly coming makes me question my new relationship whereas I'm sure the problem is somewhere else.

 As @phizzuela suggests, acceptance could be a solution. But then it gets complicated. Accept what? the fact that it's not somebody for me, the fact that it's normal that he is with someone else...?

What bothers me is how can I still think about someone I don't want to be with.

[phizzuela]

Meeting your ex is unnecessary I think. Your problem is purely internal, not external. Acceptance means dropping certain beliefs and creating others, so you need to introspect in order to refigure your belief system. That may mean to change a number of beliefs, not just one. The problem may be that you conditioned yourself to think him to be forever yours, and this now bites you in the ass. Be absolutely honest with yourself and ask questions like

- do I still consider my ex to be 'mine' in any sense?

- Is being in a relationship possessive?Do people 'own' each other?

- Do I feel superior to my ex and is this superiority threatened by seeing him not needing me?

-Does his new love have any characteristics I'm jealous of?

- Do these characteristics threaten my identity?

And so on. It may takes some time, but you will overcome your jealousy if you keep introspecting. Good luck.

[Dhana Choko]

Phizzuela basically summed up my thoughts as well. There are many good questions that you can ask yourself and only you can answer those questions: not your ex. That is why I don't think it is a good idea to meet up with your ex. He is innocent and really does not need to be dragged into your mental confusion and inner drama. Sorry to put it bluntly, but that is the way I see it.

[Walter B]

7 hours ago, Stelka said:

Hi everyone,

It's been three years I left my ex-boyfriend but I'm still thinking of him. I left him because for many reasons we couldn't be together. I liked him as a person but he was becoming violent when angry and was a very negative person, always complaining about other people without seeing his own faults and manipulating me (he was very intelligent and it took me some time to realise it). 

I think we deeply loved each other (first love for both of us at 17) but I though that time will make me forget him. And still, I am going from time to time to check his facebook, when I see pictures with his new girlfriend I feel sad... The worst is I am with someone since 3 years now, and I feel bad to be still thinking about my ex. I miss my ex in some way, I miss his parents... I used to still meet his Mom twice a year and it is something I am trying to stop because it makes me sad not to be part of this family anymore. None of my friends understand why I am still thinking about him, for everybody it seems it should be old story, especially because I am very happy with my new boyfriend.

How to let go? How can I stop this jealousy when I see him with his new girlfriend? 

I would love to get your thoughts on that. 

Don't think about him. And when you start to, realize that's just him or someone that is thinking about you in relation to him. So when you feel it just think to them "stop thinking about me" they'll get the message in their mind.

And/or since you already have a boyfriend perhaps you'd benefit more by focusing on developing amazing intimacy with the one you are with.! That is the only reason to be with someone really anyway. Isn't it.

Unless you are seeking something else more superficial with the new one that is.

Edited February 12, 2016 by Pyrrhocorax graculus
Content

[Stelka]

@phizzuela I really believe that it is something internal too. Those are some good questions to start with, thanks  

@Pyrrhocorax graculus  Yes I definitely need to focus on my present relationship, that's why it's so important to me to get rid of those negative things from the past.

[Leo Gura]

17 hours ago, Stelka said:

How can I stop this jealousy when I see him with his new girlfriend?

Wait... Why are you still seeing him? That's a big no-no.

[Will]

I feel your pain.I am in the same boat, And I also find it hard to accept the realities of the situation.. Its helps to share here with like minded people though..

I have an instinct that love can be polygamous in nature hence it will more than likely go this way in the future, but for now until we master this stage of our consciousness probably may be a wiser idea to focus on where your at with your current in the moment  partner.

I think about your motive for looking back and it sounds as though you look back out of regret.. I do the same thing. I would think  it ok to look back if that really what you want, but you have to be committed to that path of getting back 100% and just do it or accept in the holding pattern you will just be stuck in limbo. 

I feel the over arching value here is one of commitment..

Should one be 100% committed in all situations, I dont know, Feels as though you could benefit from having options in some situations. Thats up to the individual and the situation. 

Sit down and weight up the options of options and whether they align to your master life purpose..

there is no reason you you cant find that thing you regret from some other source in your future. Well at least the intrinsic underlying need any ways..

There will be times when your past comes back to remind you.. i.e. random meetings with common friends ect. and it may bring these things back up.. depends on what you do and think and how you frame these events as to how they will ultimately affect you.

 

It will take you as long as you chose to solve this.. Some are able to drop it in a flash. I know my ex has dropped me in a flash.. and move on.  Look at it from a strangers perspective. would a stranger to your life view your inability to let it go as a strength or a weakness. what would an omnipotent being look down on your situation and say.. something like"OMG your heading for a collision course with a rogue planet from outside your solar system and all you can think about is your relationship" I am not trying to diminish your perspective of that important relationship but I think more perspective you can see can only help to give you a feeling of what is right to do..

I am constantly reminding myself I can be whatever I want and that what I am doing right now is consolidating that...

 

Unconsciousness is not just about you not understanding something deep inside yourself its also about realising that there are a million different external views to your own.. Actual spending some time to go through some of the other view points is actually expanding your awareness.. Major reason why people come here??

The only way to deplete pain and anguish is to face it and each time you face it re-frame it and unlearn all those old fear responses.. Takes effort and time and ability to face fears and intelligence to be able to re frame the fear when you face it.. i.e. when I get scared of something is behind me in a dark rook I stand still and let that thing come and get me.. it never does and i walk away thinking I beat it.. just a bit though.. each fear has a different way to face and re-frame. re-frame is changing the view point of that fear. i.e. seeing a pesky naughty child as annoying, or that that child may have lost his mother to cancer today as does not know how to handle that emotion. You can pretty much re frame everything in a million ways.. takes practices though.

 

 

[Stelka]

On 2/13/2016 at 4:07 AM, Leo Gura said:

Wait... Why are you still seeing him? That's a big no-no.

@Leo Gura I am still friend with him on facebook, so everytime I see a picture connected to him, I check his profile and see all his new life. I know it's wrong but we've been 4 years together, I know he would take it personally if I would delete him, his sister, his mother... After the break up, I've deleted his profile, but the problem was still the same I was still regularly thinking about him.

 I've been reflecting on what has been said here those last few days and found some answers in my personal insecurity and lack of confidence. It's just weird that it is related to my ex. I should be more jealous of my current boyfriend, rather than of someone I don't want to be with.

@Will It's funny that you mentioned re-framing. I've been trying now a new technique, which is every time I think about my ex, I try not to let my thoughts go into some negative memories. Instead, I repeat to myself "This person was part of my life before but not anymore and I am moving on. I am now creating a great life for myself and wish the same happiness to my ex, his girlfriend and family". I must admit it works in some way because it shifts my focus to something else, something more positive. 

[Pallero]

First cut is the deepest.

It seems to be quite common not to be able to forget your first love/crush for years. I had a massive crush on a guy when I was 16 years old and I couldn't let it go for seven years, and we didn't even have a relationship! It was one sided but very strong. I beat my head against the wall for years, thinking "why? why? why?" and "I'm so stupid".

But you just can't help it. You have to accept that there's something about your first love that is special. Forgive, smile and let it go.