Ayuhuasca trip report - God´s Child. No need to be infinity - you are free to let go

[SamC]

Hello fellow brothers and sisters. I want to share with you my deepest awakening yet, into infinite and back. This weekend I was at an Ayahuasca retreat with a very clear intention.

"I want to become aware and dissolve the resistance that stops me from working hard to achieve my dreams. I want to Investigate nothingness and the fear of not succeeding with anything in life. The fear of standing up for what I want to create, against the fear and my fear of reality, and that there are forces that can harm me"

Prior to the trip, I hated resistance which is why I came up with this intention. What is breathtaking however is that the whole trip, looking back was not about trying to dissolve anything, but to let go of the intention and need for control. Very paradoxical indeed, very genius and beautiful I know... That¨s because that´s what you are. You are just seeing yourself, and if you haven't cached yourself, it´s because you are afraid of not catching yourself. Anyway - on to the real meat of my trip

What was the set up for the trip? What was the context?

The retreat was compounded of 2 trips or ceremonies and was set up to work so that we all were going to work with the 4 elements. We worked with, Ayuascha, incense, and tobacco that was inhaled through the nose ( I forgot the name of both, but for those who are interested you can look it up and find what medicines I am talking about. I will refer to them here as tobacco and incense. The ceremony was outside around a big fire)

First trip:

I was given the plant medicine ayahuasca and then decided to let go. I didn´t care anymore. If I die I die, I was not going to resist anything. The trip began very beautifully with a lot of love and insights into my true nature. I had been here before, through other psychedelics so I recognized everything but this time it was a bit different. I realized that if I let go everything would be alright. I had in prior trips had good experiences, yet at the same time felt forced and kind of trapped by God and myself. I had equalized God as equal to suffering, but it´s actually the opposite. More of that later. The trip Continues and it gets a little bit scary and dark, yet super fascinating.  I realize I was and had been living as a big parasite, that I had been afraid of taking things - that had been afraid of itself. I saw myself and how much I hated myself.. and then I realized I hated myself because I loved myself so much and that the hate was love because the hate implied I loved myself so much I didn´t want to change. Even more so I realized that this was my relationship with the divine feminine. That I just took and took and took and saw the feminine as something to be used, rather than loved because I hated it so much that I loved it. I realized that I was so disconnected from it, that all I wanted to do was connect to it because I hated it so much. I realized how selfless femininity is - how selfless I was and that I was so selfless that I hated being selfish which in actuality was love for being selfless because hate is an extreme version of Love. You hate God, which is yourself so much that you want to be separated from it, which in reality is just self-love. Self-love is in other words hate - and hate is Love.

After a while thing´s got interesting. I was given this tobacco medicine and because of that, I started to shake like crazy because of the kundalini, the fire, the shakti within me rising. Life was getting woken up and I was letting it do whatever to me. I didn´t care anymore. I experienced a full-blown ego death. This is somewhere when I literally got choked by what felt was a rope and then dragged around a bit like I was about to be eaten up by a tribal village. I lost my breath completely and I was in the meantime observing it and thinking, OMG this is so cool, this is how it feels like to be choked. I was surrendering to it because I wanted to experience it because it was just so interesting. And then I got it, that´s what I´ve been doing all the time in my life as God. Even more so I got why girls like being choked lol, it´s a fun experience because it feels like you´re gonna die but you know you will be fine ( if you trust in the person, which per definition is God, yourself). You should try it! (; Then I was being tortured a bit and I was like, bring it on. I will take on the pain and transform it to love... and the reason I thought so was that I had realized one very important thing. I was surrendering to everything, I was even letting myself do maha samadhi if that was the right call and when I let myself do that I realized I didn´t need to do it because I had it better here still and that was when I want to and the time is right I will do it. My desire is elsewhere and that´s the Love

Worth mentioning is that I during both trips I took 3 " shots" of ayahuasca 

The thing that causes suffering is the resistance to what you want - which implies that you suffer if you make resistance to the resistance. The whole game is to wake up to the fact that you can let go of everything that doesn´t feel good, but you can only do it if you are willing to fully accept and surrender to it. You attract what you resist because you actually want the thing you are resisting, you want to see yourself.

These insights had led the groundwork for trip number 2. I will share it with you now. If you´re still reading this, please don´t stop now. This is where it gets interesting.

Trip 2:

After the trip, I talked to my friend a lot and also another participant. I saw them both struggling, but in reality, it was me that struggled. I tried to help them and guide them to let go more and also told them. If you ever feel like you can´t take it next time, give it to me. You don´t need to take it. The only thing was that I was talking to myself. The next trip began with the tobacco being shot up my nose lol, and I literally start to die again. I was so open and willing to take on the universe. I wanted to experience pain and torture. Give it to me, I´ll take it... this whole situation makes me shake like crazy and I am getting directed to sleep on the side to make it go down a little bit because it was getting really painful. I was being learned to take care of myself. I then realized, holy shit I don´t need to take this. I can let go. The thing that I said to my friends was not to them, it was me. You don´t have to take on the burden of being infinity, of being God. I realized that I wanted peace and that I actually could get it, because why couldn´t I? I had absolute power in my experience. That´s when inner enginering, the flagship program of Sadhguru really pointed at. Anyway, I then took my first shoot of Ayuhascha, but nothing really happened the first time other than that I was getting some cool deep insights. Then we take a shot at number 2. This is when I realized what God's head is and true nothingness and I also started having communication with another God but it was kind of pointless because as soon as I did that it became me and I became it even though we were separate so I knew everything that it knew directly and it knew if the same way, even though we were separate.  After this, I took my third shot and I became even more conscious, but I also realized something very deep. I realized where this was going because... it was going back to becoming a child, and the insight that lead me there was the kids that were there during the ceremony that was me and that I realized was me and mirrored me. I saw how well they were taken care of, how well I was being taken care of, and that I just needed to surrender to love, even though I was afraid. I needed to surrender to surrender to surrender and that´s when I saw that the Shaman´s wife had started giving the participants more tobacco which is when I realized, I need to trust and let go and become like I child. I needed to trust in myself and that I will catch myself, and so I did - and when I took it...

I literally come home. I realize all the love that has been given me all alone, my parents - bless them, bless me, bless everyone and everything. I saw myself as infinity, as God´s child, and that I could let go of everything and everyone. That God would catch them and help them, That I would catch them and help them, that I would help myself - I simply needed to let go of even trying to help and heal them.. which then made me realize, holy fuck I don´t even need to let go of that either I can help them if I want and if that´s what´s gonna happen but I don´t need to. I was loved for exactly as I was and I couldn´t stop crying because of all the love I had all the time and how much my parents loved me - how much I loved myself. How much I loved my friends, my cats, the people around me - everything... And then as a miracle and this is where I want to end, 2 parents with a newly born baby join the circle of fire, the circle of Love and I see how I am the baby that is being taken care of, is infinitely loved and being blessed by the love in the ceremony. I was God´s child and free to be exactly who I am, I had been a newborn. I had found myself so much that I didn´t even need to be God, which by definition made me IT. 

Ending poem and prayer - The love I am

I AM.

THE KINGDOM OF GOD is within

Love falling for you

Don´t leave me

Between right and wrong, we find ourselves - I´ll meet you there

Let go, everything is OK

So wake me up when it´s all over when I am wiser and I am older 

All this time I was finding myself and I didn´t know I was lost

May we all find ourselves in our broken hearts.

auuuum - en.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 19, 2022 by SamC

[Rob06]

Wow, nice one, thanks for sharing.

[Razard86]

4 hours ago, SamC said:

I saw myself and how much I hated myself.. and then I realized I hated myself because I loved myself so much and that the hate was love because the hate implied I loved myself so much I didn´t want to change.

 

Yes we are selfish because we love ourselves. We don't want to change because we love the way we are. Facing death as you have revealed how much you love yourself. Isn't it wonderful to realize how much you love yourself exactly as you are? Your whole life has revealed to you how much you love yourself but we sometimes get distracted by situations and think we want them to change....when we really do not because if we did, we would change. 

We don't want to change, because we love the way we are. We have never done or been anyway opposite to who we wanted to be. We want situations to change, without being the change. Situations just reflect what we are, as long as we are too attached to what we are (identity) we won't get the change we desire. So we are selfish, because of love. Its all love. 

I'm glad you got to experience how wonderful you are!!! I'm sure your self-respect has jumped leaps and bounds and you saw the power of surrender. Femininity is so strong, because it shows how powerful trust, and release of control is to what is.

A man cannot become God without embracing his feminine side and releasing his Masculine desire for control and acceptance to what is. If women want men to change....lol we need to bring back the rite of passage of old where men had to do these ceremonies in indigenous tribes.

[SamC]

1 hour ago, Razard86 said:

Yes we are selfish because we love ourselves. We don't want to change because we love the way we are. Facing death as you have revealed how much you love yourself. Isn't it wonderful to realize how much you love yourself exactly as you are? Your whole life has revealed to you how much you love yourself but we sometimes get distracted by situations and think we want them to change....when we really do not because if we did, we would change. 

We don't want to change, because we love the way we are. We have never done or been anyway opposite to who we wanted to be. We want situations to change, without being the change. Situations just reflect what we are, as long as we are too attached to what we are (identity) we won't get the change we desire. So we are selfish, because of love. Its all love. 

I'm glad you got to experience how wonderful you are!!! I'm sure your self-respect has jumped leaps and bounds and you saw the power of surrender. Femininity is so strong, because it shows how powerful trust, and release of control is to what is.

A man cannot become God without embracing his feminine side and releasing his Masculine desire for control and acceptance to what is. If women want men to change....lol we need to bring back the rite of passage of old where men had to do these ceremonies in indigenous tribes.

Amazing words man! Thank you. Love you infinitly bro