I started dating again, and once again it causes me anxiety and confusion...

[Axiomatic]

So a quick bit of history about myself: I am a 30 yr old straight man. I have dated on and off through my adult life. I took a hiatus from dating for a few years due to health issues and also focusing on school. I also realized that the stress and anxiety from things such as dating contributed to my health issues. I felt it was best to focus on myself and get to a better place before I open this avenue again.

Well it is present day, and I feel as ready as I ever have to date again. I didn't know where to start, but I am in between semesters this summer and decided to get a summer job at a restaurant. I didn't know what to expect, but I tried to be friendly, open, and do a good job.

Well I realized that I'm quite popular with a lot of the women there. There were 2 or 3 in particular that I felt were interested in me. One thing I learned from my dating mistakes pre hiatus was to really be aware of the woman who I was going for. Their age, maturity level, life choices all need to be a factor in that. Because not only would I like something serious, but I just don't want to deal with someone who is going to mistreat me or cause me unnecessary problems. Blindly going for women who I was simply attracted to on a physical level was a failing formula for me.

So I decided to ask out a women at work who I really liked. She is 32, going to nursing school, and is someone who I felt comfortable around from the start. She always seemed interested in me. She ask me about myself, my interest. I catch her glancing at me when were in the same area. I had a strong feeling that she liked me and that asking her out was a good idea.

So after a few weeks of working there, I finally asked her. I simply said "Hey I know you're busy with all your stuff, but if you ever wanted to do something outside of work I would definitely be up for that". She agreed, asked me if I liked to hike, then offered me her phone number.

I felt ecstatic. After that part of my life being cut off for so long, it felt like a real rush to have a girl who I crush on say yes. I waited a few days, and then I texted her. I just let her know my schedule and asked if she was free any of those days.

...She didn't text me back for a day and a half. I tried not to get anxious about it, but it bothered me enough to turn my notifications off. She finally texted back and said "Hey! hmmm how about next week?" I said thats fine and then she asked about my 4th of july, etc.

I'd see her at work and felt like the vibes were stronger. It felt like we both wanted to get closer to each other and want to be alone with each other if possible. She continued to ask about what I like and such.

She mentioned how she wanted sushi at work. So I texted her a few days later in the evening "Heyy I've been wanting sushi ever since you mentioned it. I'm probably gonna get some tomorrow, if you're free you should join me!"

I didn't get a reply...I felt terrible. I started to feel anxious like I did in the past. Trying to figure out if I did, said, or went about it wrong. Did I come off too strong?

I saw her at work the next day. She came up to me and said "I'm so sorry I didn't text you back! I was visiting my mom". I played it cool. Just joked that I went with my roommate. She started asking me more questions like where do I like to go to eat sushi? She tried to converse with me whenever we could and I once again felt okay. I thought "Of course she likes me! She apologized and is asking about me so shes clearly interested!"

I went to bed feeling happy about it, but then it struck me. She didn't have the courtesy to text me back at all, she didn't attempt to set up another time, let alone tell me what her when she's available. At work she seems interested, but her actions speak differently.

I have decided to let off the gas for a bit and just let things be. I find myself going through similar patterns that I once did before I went on hiatus. The constantly being in my head trying to figure shit out. Even though I knew I just needed to let it go, it still bugged me.

It left me feeling a bit frustrated. She seems like a really sweet person, and I don't think she intentionally tries to manipulate me, but a younger/more immature me would see it as a perfect plan to lead me on. It kind of makes me feel bad. Like she doesn't take me seriously or something.

And before I get any replies, I want to also add that I am aware that sometimes girls are just being friendly and not always romantically interested. Trust me, I do my best to be aware of that. That didn't feel like this...but maybe it was.

At the end of the day I feel a lack of communication of what she wants. I clearly told her I want to go out with her. If she wasn't interested I would be fine if she just said she was looking for friends. If thats the case, why didn't she just say that? Because shes afraid I wouldn't want to be her friend? If so, thats not much of an excuse to lead me on. This is all speculation btw.

This is hard...but I don't want to run away anymore.

Edited July 19, 2022 by Axiomatic

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oLNXJqSRyU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuvK9BjSO6o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNDvf0q2Xds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lhgsM9ZZqA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzRErAZvvJU

 

[aurum]

@Axiomatic

You’re chasing this girl, not attracting her.

The difference is one of how she perceives your value. Do you see yourself as a “catch”? And do your actions reflect that?

Desperation is not attractive. Consider what energy you might be putting out.

[Leo Gura]

Girls are extremely flaky even if they like you. You can never rely on them in the early dating stages to ever reply or show up.

Which is why you get 10 numbers instead of 1 and you stop caring about any one girl until she shows up for a date.

The problem with your dating strategy is that it will leave you too needy. You can't attract a single girl reliably.

Also the problem is how you're setting up your date. You need to question her in person what her schedule is like and what days and times she's available. Then text her well ahead of time and get her to commit to a specific time and date.

"Let's get sushi tomorrow" is a bad text because it's too short-notice and too vague about time.

Since you see her regularly in-person, you should use this advantage to iron out the date details in-person and get her to commit. But give her enough lead time. Don't try to set up a date for next-day because she probably already has plans.

A girl will not be invested in you until she sleeps with you.

[shallotsometimes]

She might not want to reject you, but still wants to be friendly/friends with you. She might not want to make seeing you at work awkward. I don't think she is trying to lead you on, girls often feel bad for rejecting guys romantically and just saying no. But women need to learn to be more straight forward. We give too many mixed signals for fear of hurting men's feelings, wondering if we should give him a chance etc. I agree with Leo that making solid plans in person would be a good idea so there is none of this fickleness.

*Edited because I misread

Edited July 19, 2022 by shallotsometimes

[Javfly33]

6 hours ago, shallotsometimes said:

She might not want to reject you, but still wants to be friendly/friends with you. She might not want to make seeing you at work awkward. I don't think she is trying to lead you on, girls often feel bad for rejecting guys romantically and just saying no. But women need to learn to be more straight forward. We give too many mixed signals for fear of hurting men's feelings, wondering if we should give him a chance etc. I agree with Leo that making solid plans in person would be a good idea so there is none of this fickleness.

*Edited because I misread

+1 It's very delicate to try to date someone from work.

Also apart from this I think its a bad idea in the first place because even if you guys end up together if then you break up you have to see each other faces each day Lol