I need help with a green communal living situation

[playdoh]

Hi, so to make a long story short I woke up 1 morning and found I had 2 flat tires, coming home the day before I don’t remember feeling like the car had a flat. On top of that I noticed a brand new unopened almond milk of mine was missing from the fridge. 

The only people living here atm is me and 2 other guys. Those guys came back home the night before and appear to have been drinking. This is usually a place where we don’t drink but the newest guy that moved in does. 

I held it in for like a day just feeling it until I saw the guy I new better and I brought it up with him, I’m sure he could see the anger inside of me. When I mentioned it to him he acted surprised. When I mentioned it to the other guy he also acted surprised. 

All I know is that the new guy started acting super guilty after that, couldn’t look at me in the face for days. He’s also mentioned repetitively how if anyone rubs him the wrong way he turns into a really nasty guy. The other guy also mentioned how he can get really vindictive. 

I’ve never had any problems with these 2 guys so I’m not sure what it could be. 

I’ve held it in for like 5 days now but I feel I need to talk to someone about it. I guess the most obvious answer would be the owner who’s not living here anymore. As of recently we’ve been getting along well but even as the owner has mentioned it they are a little emotionally unstable. I feel a little fear whenever I have to talk to the owner. The times I have before they’ve asked me to move out, I feel they use it as negative reinforcement, to be scared and not talk to them. 

I could also talk to the guy I know better and just straight out ask him if the other guy did it. I could also ask the other guy but not to sure about that. Yesterday they were talking all friendly so maybe they were in on it. 

Should I bring it up to the owner? Talk to the other guys? I don’t want to have any drama w these 2 other guys but I don’t want to hold this in. I’m trying to move out but not sure how long that’ll take. 

Edited July 18, 2022 by playdoh

[JuliusCaesar]

From reflecting on my past, what I'd do is incredibly obvious. I'd just assume perhaps naively that the new guy is innocent at least at first. But given the bits of evidence you've mentioned, I'd probably conclude as you have that he's guilty. From there, I'd probably just ignore/forgive him. His saying how nasty of a guy he can be sounds like bullshit to me. In actuality, his bark is probably worse than his bite.

 

If however, you want me to advise you not on the basis of what I think I would do, but maybe what I think you might want to do instead. I'd have to point out that you sound kind of afraid of this guy. And that if you really want to set your mind at ease. You should retaliate, doing to him whatever wrong things he did to you but many times worse. If you showed him that you're more bellicose than he is, and perhaps psychologically imbalanced, he'll leave you alone out of fear as he seems like a coward to me. Of course, I say all of this somewhat tongue in cheek knowing that you're supremely unlikely to follow the advice I've given in this second paragraph. That, however, doesn't change the fact that it was fun to write.

Edited July 19, 2022 by JuliusCaesar
It dosen't make any sense to say a bark is louder than a bite.

[playdoh]

1 hour ago, JuliusCaesar said:

From reflecting on my past, what I'd do is incredibly obvious. I'd just assume perhaps naively that the new guy is innocent at least at first. But given the bits of evidence you've mentioned, I'd probably conclude as you have that he's guilty. From there, I'd probably just ignore/forgive him. His saying how nasty of a guy he can be sounds like bullshit to me. In actuality, his bark is probably worse than his bite.

 

If however, you want me to advise you not on the basis of what I think I would do, but maybe what I think you might want to do instead. I'd have to point out that you sound kind of afraid of this guy. And that if you really want to set your mind at ease. You should retaliate, doing to him whatever wrong things he did to you but many times worse. If you showed him that you're more bellicose than he is, and perhaps psychologically imbalanced, he'll leave you alone out of fear as he seems like a coward to me. Of course, I say all of this somewhat tongue in cheek knowing that you're supremely unlikely to follow the advice I've given in this second paragraph. That, however, doesn't change the fact that it was fun to write.

Thank you for responding. About the first paragraph I agree, sounds like it’s him. But if I just ignore him I feel the tension could rise and confrontation of some sort might arise. And since I’m also not sure it was the other guy I find myself starting to have a grudge against him. And I don’t want to because I like him. But then again I’m not sure who did it. 

The 2nd paragraph came off a little malicious? You are right, I am a little bit afraid of him/confrontation (past crazy roommates) but going about it the way you mentioned i think is not the most intelligent way. Thanks again though. 

[JuliusCaesar]

1 hour ago, playdoh said:

but going about it the way you mentioned i think is not the most intelligent way.

It's possible that it isn't the best advice. But all I'm saying is if you behave like a Pallas's cat, then no one with an ounce of sense will tangle with you. Writing this I realize there may be people who don't know what a Pallas's cat is so I'll link a video about them below. And by the way, like I said I myself would be very unlikely to actually behave in such an aggressive fashion were I in your shoes. It's just that sometimes the best way to deescalate a situation is to escalate it further. Because if you strike fear into the heart of the enemy, he's likely to flee. Of course, If I were you, I wouldn't likely view any of these guys as an enemy, even in spite of the strong possibility that one of them did me wrong.

 

Cute little devils aren't they?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u82y8zI1SdI

[VeganAwake]

Bringing it up was a good idea! 

Maybe one of them really needed the milk more than you.

I would just forget about it and try to act as normal as possible and if it happens again I would look for another place to stay.

❤ 

[integral]

Where your tires punctured? Where was the puncture? If someone is going to puncture a tire they do it with a knife on the side not on the rolling part and they might stab it more then once. So you'll know if a person did it by where the hole is.

Edited July 19, 2022 by integral

[playdoh]

15 hours ago, JuliusCaesar said:

It's possible that it isn't the best advice. But all I'm saying is if you behave like a Pallas's cat, then no one with an ounce of sense will tangle with you. Writing this I realize there may be people who don't know what a Pallas's cat is so I'll link a video about them below. And by the way, like I said I myself would be very unlikely to actually behave in such an aggressive fashion were I in your shoes. It's just that sometimes the best way to deescalate a situation is to escalate it further. Because if you strike fear into the heart of the enemy, he's likely to flee. Of course, If I were you, I wouldn't likely view any of these guys as an enemy, even in spite of the strong possibility that one of them did me wrong.

 

Cute little devils aren't they?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u82y8zI1SdI

Julius Caesar is that you? Name checks out. 

Thanks!

[playdoh]

3 hours ago, VeganAwake said:

Bringing it up was a good idea! 

Maybe one of them really needed the milk more than you.

I would just forget about it and try to act as normal as possible and if it happens again I would look for another place to stay.

❤ 

Thanks mate. If it was just milk I wouldn’t mind as much, don’t forget the 2 flat tires as well 

[playdoh]

1 hour ago, integral said:

Where your tires punctured? Where was the puncture? If someone is going to puncture a tire they do it with a knife on the side not on the rolling part and they might stab it more then once. So you'll know if a person did it by where the hole is.

It was on the rolling part. Couldn’t someone also do it on the rolling part to make it a little less obvious?

[integral]

Just now, playdoh said:

It was on the rolling part. Couldn’t someone also do it on the rolling part to make it a little less obvious?

Yes, what kind of hole was it?

[Yarco]

See if the holes between the 2 tires line up in a logical way like you just ran over something too. Odds of getting a flat from a nail or piece of glass with 2 tires is pretty low. If it's 2 front or 2 back tires on opposite sides that are flat then it's almost certainly foul play

[playdoh]

1 hour ago, integral said:

Yes, what kind of hole was it?

Don’t remember tbh, I took it to a tire shop. Btw what do you mean by what kind of a hole was it?

[playdoh]

56 minutes ago, Yarco said:

See if the holes between the 2 tires line up in a logical way like you just ran over something too. Odds of getting a flat from a nail or piece of glass with 2 tires is pretty low. If it's 2 front or 2 back tires on opposite sides that are flat then it's almost certainly foul play

It was the front right and back right. If I remember correctly they lined up. So what you’re saying even if the holes line up in a logical way the odds of it happening from a nail or glass are low? So basically you think it was foul play is that what you’re saying? Thanks 

[Eph75]

@Yarco never mind this, bad tag/can't delete on phone 

@playdoh

I'd be careful to assume and judge. 

If you ran something over that created a small enough hole that the tire didn't instantly deflate, you could very well get two flats on the same side as you would likely have run, whatever the object was, over with both wheels. 

The tire would deflate over night. 

I've been "cursed" with a bunch of flats, and only one of them deflated instantly (fit my little finger into the hole), the others I noticed in the morning as I was going to work. 

You could try inflate the tires and see if they hold air long enough to drive.

The milk is just trivial nonsense that had it not been the flats you might not even have payed a second thought. 

What if... they're a coincidence and you're laying blame where blame doesn't exist?

If the tires are slices e.g. with a knife, and not a slow deflation puncture, or maybe the valves just been used to deflate the tires, then there's foul play, but you still have no idea if there's correlation between the milk (trivial) and assumed foul play. 

It could be someone else and the milk incident just being a coincidence. 

Let it slide, don't create any bad blood by assuming and blaming, then let the future determine if there's more to the story.

 

Edited July 19, 2022 by Eph75

[playdoh]

1 hour ago, Eph75 said:

@Yarco never mind this, bad tag/can't delete on phone 

@playdoh

I'd be careful to assume and judge. 

If you ran something over that created a small enough hole that the tire didn't instantly deflate, you could very well get two flats on the same side as you would likely have run, whatever the object was, over with both wheels. 

The tire would deflate over night. 

I've been "cursed" with a bunch of flats, and only one of them deflated instantly (fit my little finger into the hole), the others I noticed in the morning as I was going to work. 

You could try inflate the tires and see if they hold air long enough to drive.

The milk is just trivial nonsense that had it not been the flats you might not even have payed a second thought. 

What if... they're a coincidence and you're laying blame where blame doesn't exist?

If the tires are slices e.g. with a knife, and not a slow deflation puncture, or maybe the valves just been used to deflate the tires, then there's foul play, but you still have no idea if there's correlation between the milk (trivial) and assumed foul play. 

It could be someone else and the milk incident just being a coincidence. 

Let it slide, don't create any bad blood by assuming and blaming, then let the future determine if there's more to the story.

 

?

[Loving Radiance]

On 19.7.2022 at 0:44 AM, playdoh said:

I held it in for like a day just feeling it until I saw the guy I new better and I brought it up with him, I’m sure he could see the anger inside of me.

On 19.7.2022 at 0:44 AM, playdoh said:

I’ve held it in for like 5 days now but I feel I need to talk to someone about it

The anger is there for you to protect your boundaries. IMO, instead of holding onto it and letting it eat you from the inside... use the cue of the anger for stating and protecting your boundaries.

On 19.7.2022 at 0:44 AM, playdoh said:

I woke up 1 morning and found I had 2 flat tires, coming home the day before I don’t remember feeling like the car had a flat. On top of that I noticed a brand new unopened almond milk of mine was missing from the fridge.

I assume some things here in order for you to realize your internal processes going on (no matter if you found your tires or the milk first):

When you noticed the flat tires, did you already imagine that one of your flatmates may have done it? There was anger arising about somebody causing this. This came up because holes in your tire are outside your boundaries.

Anger got again triggered when you noticed the missing milk bag. You have a boundary about wanting your food to be consumed only with your permission or not at all. That anger about the flat tire was then transferred to the milk thief.

This transference made you believe that the same evil actor was behind the tire and the milk because the same emotion came up in such a short time and space.

Is that accurate or a complete miss? Please give me feedback.

Edited July 20, 2022 by Loving Radiance

[playdoh]

1 hour ago, Loving Radiance said:

The anger is there for you to protect your boundaries. IMO, instead of holding onto it and letting it eat you from the inside... use the cue of the anger for stating and protecting your boundaries.

So when you say stating and protecting my boundaries, do you mean communicating with them and saying something of the sort “my food is for me and only to be consumed by me?” Thanks btw!
 

1 hour ago, Loving Radiance said:

I assume some things here in order for you to realize your internal processes going on (no matter if you found your tires or the milk first):

When you noticed the flat tires, did you already imagine that one of your flatmates may have done it? There was anger arising about somebody causing this. This came up because holes in your tire are outside your boundaries.

Anger got again triggered when you noticed the missing milk bag. You have a boundary about wanting your food to be consumed only with your permission or not at all. That anger about the flat tire was then transferred to the milk thief.

This transference made you believe that the same evil actor was behind the tire and the milk because the same emotion came up in such a short time and space.

Is that accurate or a complete miss? Please give me feedback.

Accurate! ? Thanks! I definitely can learn some things from you! ?

[jimwell]

3 hours ago, playdoh said:

So when you say stating and protecting my boundaries, do you mean communicating with them and saying something of the sort “my food is for me and only to be consumed by me?” Thanks btw!

If this is what you really want, then yes. You need to clarify it to the 2 guys. You don't need to be violent. Just be assertive.

If it happens again, then let them taste their own medicine. Steal their milk or food. That can stop them from doing it the 3rd time.

Your assumption that the 2 guys punctured the tires could be wrong. Don't accuse them of doing it.

It really seems you are in a bad environment. Get out of there as soon as possible.

[JuliusCaesar]

5 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

Is that accurate or a complete miss? Please give me feedback.

To quote Genghis Khan “An action committed in anger is an action doomed to failure.”

 

Of course, that basically says nothing about whether or not your suspicions are true. I just felt it was relevant to your situation since as @Loving Radiance has pointed out, you obviously seem to have ascribed ill intent to that guy out of anger.

[Loving Radiance]

19 hours ago, playdoh said:

So when you say stating and protecting my boundaries, do you mean communicating with them and saying something of the sort “my food is for me and only to be consumed by me?”

Process your anger first before confirming your reality (asking if they have done it) and then addressing your boundaries.

Use emotional release tools for processing the anger. Then confirm your assumption, "I saw my milk is gone, which made me imagine that you drank it. Is that true?" If they say yes, say that your food is only for you.

Enforce your boundaries if they overstep them, teach it if necessary.