Almost all of my suffering comes from wanting a girlfriend

[Javfly33]

8 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

Most guys want a relationship, but they don't want the responsibilities that come with it.

Mmm leadership? Responsibility? 

I thought it was just about having sex each week and exchange sweet and dirty messages 

[Razard86]

On 7/17/2022 at 9:03 PM, danilofaria said:

Hey @Razard86, would you mind sharing the books in this thread? I think a lot of people could potentially benefit from them (including myself)

Sure thing, its funny I shared them a month ago and had a guy attack me trying to discredit me. We all have talents right? My talent is as a researcher. I can find an answer if I want it bad enough. I won't say I'm perfect but I'm good at recognizing my biases and calling myself out. 

Anyway first thing needs to be understood. No matter how good an expert is not every teaching style/perspective is compatible with you. These books helped me in my direct experience and was verified as well by both men and women by the authors and by people I interviewed. I read hundreds to thousands of articles, watched tons of videos, even spent money on courses in the past, these books are the creme de le creme to me on key specific aspects and these aspects are Attraction, Maintaining Attraction, and Conflict Resolution. 

When it comes to Attraction I find Rom Wills book Nice Guys and Players is the foundational book for the modern man. It simplifies key concepts and its short and it works. You can get his follow up book if you want Sexual Chemistry also but Nice Guys and Players is fundamental into understanding how women view men sexually/relationship wise.

Next Book is Atomic Attraction. Atomic Attraction teaches how to keep a relationship interesting and how push/pull works. It also brings up a unique dynamic on how counterintuitive niceness and toxic behavior impacts women and how to find the median. You don't have to agree with how to do it, but you do need to recognize and understand this concept. Many men will claim women are dumb for this but I'll give you a unique insight I came too. Men are the same way. Women are like this in relationships with people, Men are like this in relationships with things. We all crave excitement and suspense, men just look for it in concepts/things, women in relationships.

Lastly Conflict Resolution. This is the PEN/ULTIMATE book about Conflict Resolution I have used it and it works but it takes a willing ego...lol. This book is written by a former FBI Negotiator and teaches how to resolve all conflicts and create win/win results. 

It is Called Never Split The Difference. I'll send links when I get off work.

[Razard86]

14 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Mmm leadership? Responsibility? 

I thought it was just about having sex each week and exchange sweet and dirty messages 

Lol thats called being a player or spinning plates which can get tiring eventually. You would also need to drop those women before they get attached or you get attached.

[Loba]

Sometimes I think I want a relationship, too, but then I remember how hard it was to be in one.  You can't guarantee that the person you fall for is going to be good to you, or that it will even last.  You might end up alone anyways.  Relationships are often a shot in the dark, you can become connected to someone who doesn't value you, who doesn't have your best interests at heart.  I was in an on again off again relationship for about 9 or so years, most of my 20's and it was very stressful, emotionally taxing and personally I would rather be alone forever then ever have go to through that again.

Be careful what you wish for.  Sometimes the sweetest thing in the world is being free, instead of being tied down to someone's emotional and physical needs.  A relationship, on paper, sounds nice, but people can be really awful to one another, especially the closer they get to each other.  It's hard to hide your flaws and save face in a relationship, everything comes to the surface.

Imo, risking my peace of mind for dealing with someone else's nonsense will never be worth it.

On top of that, when we die we all connect with our soul family anyways, we become unified and in tandem.  We're never alone, even if it may feel that way while here on earth, the separation is a lie.  Try being happy just being with yourself and don't worry so much about these things.  Being alone is quite a blessing, don't let the lack of another human being cause you to suffer, it isn't fair to you.

As a woman, I can tell you, we aren't all we're cracked up to be, and the love of another human is ultimately inadequate compared to the love of God.

What will you do if you find what you're looking for and you're still lonely, still suffering?

[integral]

1 hour ago, Razard86 said:

He doesn't "need" a girlfriend that's co-dependency. If you want to say he needs to get one to find out he doesn't need one then sure. But nobody needs a girlfriend or boyfriend, and if you think so...well you will find out from experience. Nothing wrong with wanting one, but you need to find out why you want one. 

Besides most men don't realize, as a man having a girlfriend puts you in a leadership role. Most guys want a relationship, but they don't want the responsibilities that come with it.

No im not saying he needs a girlfriend to complete him, im saying he needs to have does life experiences on his own to learn from. Explaining to him your experiences is not the same quality of a teaching as having does experiences yourself. Relationships are an amazing tool for rapid growth, on the issue of responsibility and leadership that comes with it, this is a part of masculine containment a important relationship principle that he can only learn from experience. Not having these experiences is a major issue that will come back to effect his life when hes older. Masculine containment can also be very fulfilling for some, men that don't want or cant handle these leadership and responsibilities are missing a part of there development. 

Edited July 19, 2022 by integral

[Razard86]

1 hour ago, Loba said:

Sometimes I think I want a relationship, too, but then I remember how hard it was to be in one.  You can't guarantee that the person you fall for is going to be good to you, or that it will even last.  You might end up alone anyways.  Relationships are often a shot in the dark, you can become connected to someone who doesn't value you, who doesn't have your best interests at heart.  I was in an on again off again relationship for about 9 or so years, most of my 20's and it was very stressful, emotionally taxing and personally I would rather be alone forever then ever have go to through that again.

Be careful what you wish for.  Sometimes the sweetest thing in the world is being free, instead of being tied down to someone's emotional and physical needs.  A relationship, on paper, sounds nice, but people can be really awful to one another, especially the closer they get to each other.  It's hard to hide your flaws and save face in a relationship, everything comes to the surface.

Imo, risking my peace of mind for dealing with someone else's nonsense will never be worth it.

On top of that, when we die we all connect with our soul family anyways, we become unified and in tandem.  We're never alone, even if it may feel that way while here on earth, the separation is a lie.  Try being happy just being with yourself and don't worry so much about these things.  Being alone is quite a blessing, don't let the lack of another human being cause you to suffer, it isn't fair to you.

As a woman, I can tell you, we aren't all we're cracked up to be, and the love of another human is ultimately inadequate compared to the love of God.

What will you do if you find what you're looking for and you're still lonely, still suffering?

Totally agree, your post shows much maturity.

 

Edited July 19, 2022 by Razard86

[Razard86]

25 minutes ago, integral said:

No im not saying he needs a girlfriend to complete him, im saying he needs to have does life experiences on his own to learn from. Explaining to him your experiences is not the same quality of a teaching as having does experiences yourself. Relationships are an amazing tool for rapid growth, on the issue of responsibility and leadership that comes with it, this is a part of masculine containment a important relationship principle that he can only learn from experience. Not having these experiences is a major issue that will come back to effect his life when hes older. Masculine containment can also be very fulfilling for some, men that don't want or cant handle these leadership and responsibilities are missing a part of there development. 

I agree with everything instead of this one line. It is not a man's requirement to engage in Masculine Containment. He is perfectly fine being by himself and living alone. But everything else I agree with. Also the Masculine Containment Principle is currently in a state of crisis in modern society in dating. While I do agree it works the social and economic conditions and roles of modern society has blurred the lines of that principle and will make it much tougher to create and maintain.

Alot of toxicity in relationships between humans comes from mainstream media. Your chances of avoiding such relationships will be based on how independent your partner is from these aspects of mainstream media. 

The secret is with authenticity you can obtain the heart of anyone. But....because of conditioning they may be to egoic to return the favor. I have learned that people aren't toxic on purpose, they are lost, confused, and full of so much fear/trauma that they cannot even perceive basic reality properly. 

When I see people complain about gaslighting, lol the narcissist gaslights themselves that is why they gaslight you. They are so full of fear they cannot self-reflect. Anyway until collectively humanity fixes how they construct their social values dating is only going to get worse.

Edited July 19, 2022 by Razard86

[Leo Gura]

12 hours ago, hyruga said:

Just let go of wanting a girlfriend and magically, you will get a girlfriend!

This is bad advice.

Do not expect God to just give you things which you can work to create for yourself.

God is not going to change your flat tire for you.

And God is not just going to give a lame ass man a quality woman.

[Hardkill]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

This is bad advice.

Do not expect God to just give you things which you can work to create for yourself.

God is not going to change your flat tire for you.

And God is not just going to give a lame ass man a quality woman.

I am getting really tired of hearing others who give these kinds of advice:

"Stop trying so hard to look for a girl. You will find the one when you focus on succeeding in your career or life purpose, having a happy and positive outlook on life, and just enjoy being with your friends. The right woman will then naturally gravitate to you."

"You will meet the right woman when you least expect it."

"You will get results with women when you finally learn to stop caring." 

 

[Gabith]

13 hours ago, Loba said:

Sometimes I think I want a relationship, too, but then I remember how hard it was to be in one.  You can't guarantee that the person you fall for is going to be good to you, or that it will even last.  You might end up alone anyways.  Relationships are often a shot in the dark, you can become connected to someone who doesn't value you, who doesn't have your best interests at heart.  I was in an on again off again relationship for about 9 or so years, most of my 20's and it was very stressful, emotionally taxing and personally I would rather be alone forever then ever have go to through that again.

Be careful what you wish for.  Sometimes the sweetest thing in the world is being free, instead of being tied down to someone's emotional and physical needs.  A relationship, on paper, sounds nice, but people can be really awful to one another, especially the closer they get to each other.  It's hard to hide your flaws and save face in a relationship, everything comes to the surface.

Imo, risking my peace of mind for dealing with someone else's nonsense will never be worth it.

On top of that, when we die we all connect with our soul family anyways, we become unified and in tandem.  We're never alone, even if it may feel that way while here on earth, the separation is a lie.  Try being happy just being with yourself and don't worry so much about these things.  Being alone is quite a blessing, don't let the lack of another human being cause you to suffer, it isn't fair to you.

As a woman, I can tell you, we aren't all we're cracked up to be, and the love of another human is ultimately inadequate compared to the love of God.

What will you do if you find what you're looking for and you're still lonely, still suffering?

Thank you, very wise 
I had some experiences of God's Love but I quickly fall asleep. And I can't stop myself from looking outside. 
I find so much beauty in women... but inside, I know I don't need anyone, I want to find myself, to live in harmony with "me" 

[Vision]

As someone who has always viewed girlfriends and relationships as major time-suckers/distractions — especially while having one — this was interesting to read. 

Maybe the first SSRI I was put on when I was 13 permanently killed my libido ??

[integral]

@Razard86 Making good points, masculine containment looks very different depending on the stage they are at in there health and values.

Acting in the best interest of your partner takes a long while to develop. 

 

[Razard86]

13 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

This is bad advice.

Do not expect God to just give you things which you can work to create for yourself.

God is not going to change your flat tire for you.

And God is not just going to give a lame ass man a quality woman.

I won't lie to you Leo....God has changed my tires quite a few times...I've never changed a flat tire in my life. Every time I had one a random person would volunteer to change it for me. I always wondered why that happened....

[Gabith]

I'm really grateful that the Internet & this forum exist, thank you guys <3