Almost all of my suffering comes from wanting a girlfriend

[Gabith]

My life is quite good, I could be happy. But I suffer because I can't accept the possibility of being alone all my life or never finding a good/long-lasting relationship. Having a girlfriend is the thing I want the most in my life, but when I'm conscious, I see that the thing I really want the most is to be at peace with myself & reality the way it is.

It is impossible to stay conscious & live my life okay with being alone so I keep suffering and I see so much guys worst than me having a girlfriend that I tell myself "wtf I meet tons of girls each week since years, and I'm still alone because of my self-image"  "wtf there are guys who barely meet ten women per year & they can find a girlfriend?" 
and there's also a lot of angriness because I know  I'm a man, I need sex, I need love, I need touching, it's normal! and I can't offer this to me because I'm sabotaging everything and my fears & beliefs that I'm unattractive, weak, odd, not good enough are so strong... 

The worst part is that I meet a lot of women each week (because of street interviews) and I'm unable to open-up to them or even to imagine the possiblity that they could be attracted to me or that I could be in a relationship with her. All I have when I'm interacting with people is a cloud of negativity; feeling inferior, feeling like I'm disturbing them, feeling like I'm odd or weak, believing they're judging me.

Even when a girl seems to show interest by asking me questions or the way she look at me, I want to shut-off and go away because I believe I will get rejected if I ask her out or show that I'm interested in her.

Bad parenting and years of being bullied at school totally destroyed my self-image/condifence I don't know what to do, I tried so much things in 10 years. 

Edited July 17, 2022 by Gabith

[Leo Gura]

What you have to do is:

1) Learn to socialize

2) Develop solid inner game

That's really all there is to it.

[Gabith]

Do you have a book recommandation on socializing ? 

I've read books on pick-up and I'm uncomfortable with the idea of playing a game or manipulating girls

What I want is to be able to be at ease with myself & authentic toward girls so I could attract one that is attracted to my real personnality 
If I could feel that I'm not inferior to others, and that not everyone is always judging me negatively and if some are, it's okay, it would be a game changer 

[Leo Gura]

31 minutes ago, Gabith said:

Do you have a book recommandation on socializing ? 

You cannot learn socializing through a book.

Quote

I've read books on pick-up and I'm uncomfortable with the idea of playing a game or manipulating girls

Stop thinking of this issue as even pickup-related.

It's not really about pickup, it's about the fact that you are fundamentally insecure with yourself around other human beings. You lack core socialization skills. This is not about manipulating women into bed, it's about the fact that you are incapable of walking up to a stranger and holding a fun conversation.

Quote

What I want is to be able to be at ease with myself & authentic toward girls so I could attract one that is attracted to my real personnality 
If I could feel that I'm not inferior to others, and that not everyone is always judging me negatively and if some are, it's okay, it would be a game changer 

Yes, and the only way you'll develop that is by socializing with 1000s of people. So get out there and get started. You don't fix this sitting at home thinking about it. Go out, approach, socialize. You don't even need to do it with girls. You could learn it by talking to guys.

As you develop those skills, you will get a girlfriend along the way. You don't need to stress about that. What you need to do is start developing the social skills like going to the gym.

I've gone through this process. From zero. Nothing you're describing is in any way original or unique to you. Tens of thousands of guys have gone through it. You can too. It's not easy, but it's worth the effort.

[Gabith]

Thank u

[Razard86]

I don't even think you want a girlfriend, you like the idea of a girlfriend. Many guys I know who have lived their life in solitude when they actually get into a relationship they find out it isn't what they want. Most guys who haven't had a girlfriend and want one, chase that because they think it will fill the hole they have inside. I'm sure Leo is only telling you what he told you because he knows you need to find out for yourself that it won't.

Relationships are a mirror, and nobody hits your insecurities more than your girlfriend lol. If you do get one, she will trigger the hell out of you if you haven't done any shadow work, and if she hasn't done any you will trigger her. Both of you will get so stuck in your perspective, and feeling victimized you won't be able to communicate well and the relationship will end. But hey its a learning experience so go for it!!!

Or you could...I don't know...realize that every belief you have about yourself is a lie, and that you have created a character a persona to live your life and have become so comfortable in that persona that you think it is you. Like an actor who plays a role in a movie and cannot get out of character, that is what has happened to you. 

I can offer a couple of books that can give you the right perspective as far as how to look at the dating game, but like Leo said...experience will be king. But I got three books that I read out of thousands of hours of research that pretty much laid bare how women think and it gave me so much success I have no doubts anymore. If you are interested let me know.

[Gabith]

@Razard86 very helpful 
yes I'm interested in the books 

[Superfluo]

@Gabith Don't forget that your issues could be due to traumas and emotional wounds that need to be resolved. Check my signature to know more if you're interested.

[Razard86]

5 hours ago, Gabith said:

@Razard86 very helpful 
yes I'm interested in the books 

Drop me an inbox and I'll give you the names of the books and some stuff I found out. I'll even tell you how I discovered Spirituality mixes into all this. Its a big secret a lot of people don't know about, but at the same time intrinsically know. Its true of all of us but separated by fear.

[integral]

@Razard86 He needs a girlfriend to get important life experiences to further his growth. Humans still have needs that don't go away no matter how developed they are. It's spiritual bypassing to avoid relationships or to try to transcend it prematurely. 

Edited July 17, 2022 by integral

[danilofaria]

1 hour ago, Razard86 said:

Drop me an inbox and I'll give you the names of the books and some stuff I found out. I'll even tell you how I discovered Spirituality mixes into all this. Its a big secret a lot of people don't know about, but at the same time intrinsically know. Its true of all of us but separated by fear.

Hey @Razard86, would you mind sharing the books in this thread? I think a lot of people could potentially benefit from them (including myself)

[Chives99]

I recommend joining a social work environment, I worked in services for years and its massively brought me out of my shell. You could also meetups, or some sought of city socialiser. There're introverted ones as well if you're new socialising, I loved playing chess with the locals when I was at uni , there wasn't a chess team at my uni. In my city they also have a board game meetup everyone there is very introverted plenty of them are probably on the spectrum I imagine, but i'm speculating. You could  even make your own meetup. I do go to a zen sangha but they're mostly all middle age folk, the guys that run it are in their 80's. I recently moved from the countryside to the city because my social life was  DEAD  in the sticks. I also was looking for graduate work. Service industry jobs are usually quite female dominated so if you break out of your shell, you may be well find mutiple women are after you. Forget all about dating and getting a girlfriend just have fun, they'll make it obvious to you to make a move when they're ready. I have autism myself so women get fed up of dropping hints when they're interested and make it blatantly obvious because i can miss these things. Have fun 

[Adodd]

On 7/17/2022 at 1:11 PM, Razard86 said:

I don't even think you want a girlfriend, you like the idea of a girlfriend.

Yep^^^

What is it that you are missing that you think you will find in a girlfriend?

Seems to me like you think having a girlfriend will mean or lead to you no longer feeling 

On 7/17/2022 at 9:50 AM, Gabith said:

unattractive, weak, odd, not good enough

Maybe before thinking about a girlfriend you dive deep into why you feel this way. If I'm right (I could totally be wrong)having this type of shadow will be disastrous to a relationship  if you do managed to get one. Work on having a social life while you work on figuring that stuff out.

That's just my advice. Good luck!

[Jacob Morres]

hmm definietely some self-esteem and trauma work. maybe some therapy too. you're an awesome dude man!! just need to realize it. im sure you have so many great qualities 

i can relate though. i felt like this from like 16 - 23 

through like a dozen small experiences a lot of self-image has healed in this area. still much to go, but not as bad as it once was.

these realities are all true for you - 

- girls are easy to get 

- you are an attractive person 

- you are worthy as you are 

- you can find a great, amazing relationship 

Edited July 19, 2022 by Jacob Morres

[Rob06]

I started seeing more success with the ladies years ago after practicing some of the stuff from the YouTube channel TrippAdvice. I practiced both at home and "in the field", very important. 

That didn't "fix" my deep lack of self-esteem though. That took years more of personal development stuff. And only after I did that, did I really feel confident. I also noticed that my desire to have a girlfriend diminished dramatically with it, because I felt so much more secure and at home within myself. 

So I would say, go for developing yourself, becoming more social, and gaining self-esteem. This will make you naturally confident, which women love!

[hyruga]

Just let go of wanting a girlfriend and magically, you will get a girlfriend!

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3miuaOWsj8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLH7yUwkBPg
 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOae2s8JOUE
 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L2MzmE8cwo

for books try models by Mark manson and dating essentials for men by Robert Glover

 

Edited July 19, 2022 by Raze

[Raze]

On 7/17/2022 at 6:50 AM, Gabith said:

My life is quite good, I could be happy. But I suffer because I can't accept the possibility of being alone all my life or never finding a good/long-lasting relationship. Having a girlfriend is the thing I want the most in my life, but when I'm conscious, I see that the thing I really want the most is to be at peace with myself & reality the way it is.

It is impossible to stay conscious & live my life okay with being alone so I keep suffering and I see so much guys worst than me having a girlfriend that I tell myself "wtf I meet tons of girls each week since years, and I'm still alone because of my self-image"  "wtf there are guys who barely meet ten women per year & they can find a girlfriend?" 
and there's also a lot of angriness because I know  I'm a man, I need sex, I need love, I need touching, it's normal! and I can't offer this to me because I'm sabotaging everything and my fears & beliefs that I'm unattractive, weak, odd, not good enough are so strong... 

The worst part is that I meet a lot of women each week (because of street interviews) and I'm unable to open-up to them or even to imagine the possiblity that they could be attracted to me or that I could be in a relationship with her. All I have when I'm interacting with people is a cloud of negativity; feeling inferior, feeling like I'm disturbing them, feeling like I'm odd or weak, believing they're judging me.

Even when a girl seems to show interest by asking me questions or the way she look at me, I want to shut-off and go away because I believe I will get rejected if I ask her out or show that I'm interested in her.

Bad parenting and years of being bullied at school totally destroyed my self-image/condifence I don't know what to do, I tried so much things in 10 years. 

I recommend ifs therapy or letting go resources to heal your core emotional issues 
 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCeDPkUB98c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

 

[Gabith]

Thanks everyone for all your help 

[Razard86]

On 7/17/2022 at 7:52 PM, integral said:

@Razard86 He needs a girlfriend to get important life experiences to further his growth. Humans still have needs that don't go away no matter how developed they are. It's spiritual bypassing to avoid relationships or to try to transcend it prematurely. 

He doesn't "need" a girlfriend that's co-dependency. If you want to say he needs to get one to find out he doesn't need one then sure. But nobody needs a girlfriend or boyfriend, and if you think so...well you will find out from experience. Nothing wrong with wanting one, but you need to find out why you want one. 

Besides most men don't realize, as a man having a girlfriend puts you in a leadership role. Most guys want a relationship, but they don't want the responsibilities that come with it.