Confused about Music as my Passion

[Thought Art]

So, about 5 years ago I found myself extremely passionate about music. I became basically obsessed with the questions like 1. How do I write really good songs? 2. How do I play shows? 3. How to I get over my stage fright etc.

And, I've done a lot of those things. I can write songs, I've played festivals, and I don't normally have stage fright.

But, this week for example I tried going out to a few local shows and I found the bands to be really bad/ boring. I also find the music to loud to really socialize well. 

I used to really enjoy busking at a local famers market, but today I felt like... ashamed of what I was doing. Like a beggar or something. Plus, at this market you can't use sound equipment and people can barely here you. I had a 2 hour block to play, but I talked myself out of it after like 15-20 minutes just packed up my stuff and now I am at the library to do some work on my business, to study and contemplate. After leaving the market I feel sort of a pain in my chest. I feel a bit confused. Should I have stayed and just tried to get into it? But, it didn't feel right. I felt embarrassed to be a busker. I want to be a real musician on a stage ACTUALLY making an impact on the world with my art. 

Maybe I am maturing and growing out of a childish fantasy? Maybe I am going through sort of a building phase in other areas of my life (finance, foundation etc) and a limbo phase in another (my art/ music). 

Life without music feels strange. I used to love writing poetry and music and it was an ecstatic experience. But, I am so tired of being poor I am putting all my focus on higher paying accounting jobs and building my business. It's painful and boring. 

Plus, my tinnitus really confuses me as well. I notice when I get back into song writing mode I think of it more and then I feel afraid of writing or playing. Music on some level is my biggest passion. But, I also find it confusing. I sense making money from it will be a challenge and there is years of foundational work on my personal finance and my Qigong business as well I need to focus on. I have no idea if I can make a sustainable Qigong business and I am working through a marketing course... we will see.

I used to love music, the lyrics, the sonics, and the beautiful insights I would discover lyrically and musically. But, all my old songs feel dated now to me personally. I need a new phase of song writing or something. I just don't feel inspired like I used to. 

I have many courses I want to pay for to help me become a better song writer and producer. But, there is also equipment I want to buy. I am just too fucking broke right now to do anything other than find better paying work and building my business. 

I will have to contemplate...

1. Have I outgrown music in my life?

2. What can I do to reignite the passion?

3. Do I just need to get my finances and these foundations more fleshed out and then the passion will return?

4. Is it my tinnitus which is causing to much fear for me to pursue this seriously?

5. Have I realized that without the pursuit of pride that music isn't something I am interested in?

6. If I am not smoking weed, do I even enjoy making music?

7. Why was I too embarrassed to busk? Is it pride or a realization I am not going to play for pennies and dime?

I will take time later today to contemplate this myself.

My dream was to be a successful artist. I think that, my tinnitus and the financial realities have lead to some of my recent suicidal thoughts. Which, luckily I cured with a mushroom trip.  

 

For me living a passionate life is important. I don't wanna just survive in my life. I wish there was a way to cure my ringing brain. 

Music, am I passionate enough about you? God, why you do this.

[Thought Art]

Like, to be a real band or a real musician. Maybe I am getting to old? Maybe my character is changing? 

I just felt like, strumming those chords and singing was soo.... easy? Like, who gives a shit about my music? No one... 

I used to think I could write music to like, change the world but now I just feel like... I need to take care of myself. 

 

[Thought Art]

I don't want to just be an accountant, failed musician failed Qigong teacher.

But, it seems like the safest route. I don't want to bitch and moan either.

Like the artists I love really inspire me. 

I want to create an amazing life. I don't think God really cares if I make an amazing life. It seems it's given my tinnitus and all my failures, all my suffering. It feels like God also gives me opportunities. It's given me both opportunities and so many failures. 

I've been working so hard this week. Maybe, maybe I just need to go home and take a nap and relax today.

[Realms of Wonder]

Why do you LOVE songwriting?

IF you continued on, created a successful career as an independent music artist, who would you be able to inspire with your story of all you overcame?

[Thought Art]

@Realms of Wonder I love it because I love beauty, I love the music, I love the possibility to inspire others to be part of their soundtrack to their life.

If I continued I could inspire anyone willing to listen if I was successful.

But, that at this moment... in my current state feels like a big IF. Reality is slow and un forgiving. I am already 26. 

I just don't really know where to best put my efforts. It seems that simply making more money right now is all I need to focus on. 

"You can't live in a world just breathing beautiful"

[Thought Art]

I don't really wanna bitch and moan. Maybe, I should just give up for now and pursue accounting. I struggle to see why anyone would pay me for music or Qigong when its so readily available and free.

[Thought Art]

I think after all is said and done I’m just trying to enjoy life. So far every time I try to become successful at something I get stressed, have a bunch of failures and everything takes so long. 
 

On days like this, I feel confused, hopeless, frustrated, defeated, uninspired, ungrateful, broke, un-talented etc. 
 

There is so much potential potential beauty in life but tapping into the real richness of it takes time 

[jimwell]

11 hours ago, Thought Art said:

3. Do I just need to get my finances and these foundations more fleshed out and then the passion will return?

4. Is it my tinnitus which is causing to much fear for me to pursue this seriously?

Answering these questions answers all the other questions.

I think you should prioritize earning money and healing your tinnitus. Everything else is secondary.

You can continue loving music. But don't rely on it to generate the money you need. It's disappointing but it needs to be said. For every 1 financially successful musician, 99 are financial failures.   

[Thought Art]

@jimwell Yes, I think this is the case. Partly why God is an asshole. 
 

Im focusing on my money for the next few years and then developing a deeply spiritual and healthy life and relationships. Music ain’t gonna happen. Tinnitus does NOT heal.

Im learning that Gods creation is inherently brutal. It’s slow and the suffering potential is immense. When this is the case a “Life Purpose” for many people is a thing of luxury. 
 

For the next 5 years (age 26-31) I’m focusing on earning more money, paying down debts and building a healthy savings. Basically surviving like a fucking animal. Why? Because I’m a fucking moron who didn’t plan properly. It’s for this reason I don’t know which is better. Life or not life? 
 

But, I’m living in a principle to honour the life regardless of how fucking shitty it is. I’m taking it on as a challenge and I will have some free time to study etc. But, right now my life sucks and ive got to surrender my MAIN REASON FOR BEING ALIVE in order to LIVE. which means I’m going through a death and rebirth. 
 

I really just want to be wealthy. I’ve got the spiritual maps etc. Now just need to be wealthy and I don’t care how I do it. Money, I’m fucking coming for you.

God, I know your potential for love is infinite. Why did you give me tinnitus and all my idiocy? I’m just hoping this hard work pays off. How dare you give me a dream and not the means to make it real? How dare you. 

Edited July 17, 2022 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

All I really wanted was to be a musician. That’s it. God has infinite creative potential and created me? WHY? tell me why? What’s the point? Don’t you have something better to do than create an animal that gets tinnitus. That’s has to do all this garbage to survive? Why are you wasting my time with all this? Just make the experience enjoyable. It’s not that hard. 
 

Sure, I can fix my situation but it’ll take years and then I’ll be old. Is that all I’m looking forward to? GETTING OLD? Getting old and just scraping by? Thinking of what could have been? 
 

Im gonna journal, visualize and work my ass off. I refuse to live some mediocre existence. This is between me and God. I’ve got a bone to pick with consciousness. I refuse to be broke, I refuse to spend all my days doing some shit job. This is do or die.

I’m either going to build a good life or I’m going to kill myself. There is no other option. 
 

I have music to make and to share. If I can’t do that then God smite me down right fucking now! I’m not going to live some mediocre existence. 

 

I don't wanna work in a building downtown
No, I don't wanna work in a building downtown
I don't know what I'm gonna do
'Cause the planes keep crashing, always two by two
I don't wanna work in a building downtown
No, I don't wanna see when the planes hit the ground

[Verse 2]
I don't wanna work in a building downtown
I don't wanna work in a building downtown
Parking their cars in the underground
Their voices when they scream, well, they make no sound
I wanna see the cities rust
And the trouble makers riding on the back of the bus
[Verse 3]
Dear God, I'm a good Christian man
In your glory, I know you understand
That you gotta work hard and you gotta get paid
My girl's thirteen but she don't act her age
She can sing like a bird in a cage
Oh Lord, if you could see her when she's up on that stage

[Verse 4]
You know that I'm a God-fearing man
You know that I'm a God-fearing man
Well, I just gotta know if it's part of your plan
To seat my daughters there by your right hand
I know that you'll do what is right, Lord
For they are the lanterns, and you are the light

[Chorus]
Now I'm overcome
By the light of day
My lips are near but my heart is far away
Tell me what to say
I'll be your mouthpiece

[Verse 5]
Into the light of a bridge that burns
As I drive from the city with the money that I earned
Into the dark of a starless sky
I'm staring into nothing and I'm asking you why:
Lord, let me make her a star
So the world can see who you really are

[Verse 6]
Little girl, you're old enough to understand
That you'll always be a stranger in a strange, strange land
The men are gonna come while you're fast asleep
So you better just stay close and hold on to me
If my little mocking bird don't sing
Well, then daddy won't buy her no diamond ring

[Verse 7]
Dear God, would you send me a child?
Oh God, would you send me a child?
'Cause I wanna put it up on the TV screen
So the world can see what your true word means
Lord, would you send me a sign
'Cause I just gotta know if I'm wasting my time?

[Chorus]
Now I'm overcome
By the light of day
My lips are near but my heart is far away
Now the war is won
And how come nothing tastes good?

[Verse 8]
Oh, you're such a sensitive child
You know, you're such a sensitive child
I know you're tired but it's alright
I just need you to sing for me tonight
You're gonna have your day in the sun;
You know God loves the sensitive ones

[Verse 9]
Oh, my little bird in a cage
Oh, my little bird in a cage
I need you to get up for me, up on that stage
And show the men that you're old for your age
Now ain't the time for fear
But if you don't take it, it will disappear

[Verse 10]
Oh! My little mockingbird sing!
Oh! My little mockingbird sing!
I need you to get up on that stage for me, honey
And show the men it's not about the money
Wanna hold a mirror up to the world
So that they can see themselves inside my little girl

[Verse 10]
Do you know where I was at your age?
Any idea where I was at your age?
I was working downtown for the minimum wage
And I'm not gonna let you just throw it all away
I'm through being cute, I'm through being nice
Oh, tell me Lord, am I the Antichrist?

Edited July 17, 2022 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

Sure maybe only 1% make it as a musician. But what is the point of studying all this material if I can’t be one of those 1% fuck the 99% of failures. I want the real thing.

[Thought Art]

If I’m not incredibly rich, spiritually developed and creative then… this has all been a big waste of time. So, I’ve only got one option: Make it real.

If that’s not possible God take me.

[UnbornTao]

It's possible that your tastes, even your interests, are changing, or it might be an emotional struggle that will eventually pass.

Do you still like it? 

Make sure that you choose something you like before committing to it.

Remember that commitment demands going through plateaus and emotional "crises."

Moreover, even if you like it, that doesn't mean that it's going to be constantly easy and enjoyable; pursuing your passion might even be the hardest option, so take these things into account.

When you commit to mastery, no matter what you do, you're going to face these kinds of challenges.

It ultimately comes down to you. Introspection is what I recommend.

Edited July 17, 2022 by UnbornTao

[Thought Art]

All I want to do, is inspire and create the best music humanly possible

I want to create the most beautiful albums and live performances the world has ever seen. I’ve been putting in so much work despite all my stupidity and shortcomings. All my fears, all my errors, all my set backs, all my suffering. 
 

Im investing in myself every fucking day, hammering away at this wall, this cage that keeps my heart and spirit captive. I’ve lacked wisdom and integrity and I still do in areas that matter. My dream also scares the shit out of me for so much of it seems outside of my control. I’ve written hundreds of songs, thousands of poems, I’ve played festivals, I’m hungry for ACTUAL success. I want to make music so good you can’t fucking ignore me. I want to share the highest beauty and bask in the process of creating and sharing it forever. What’s the point of reality existing if that’s not it? God, what is wrong with you if you don’t make this possible. You are worth so much more than the live you have lived previously.

 

I am the greatest miracle in the world. (This is what God has told me in the book the God memorandum by Og Mandingo. I read it every night for 100 nights in a row.)
 

The 4 Pillars of my success will be:

1. Count my blessing and live in gratitude

2. proclaim my rarity

3. Go another mile

4. Use wisely my power of choice

and all things shall be done with Love.

God did not create me to be a fucking loser. God created me to express the highest of my possibilities and to not settle for the shit of society.
 

All the mistakes up to this point, God claims was not his doing but my own. For God granted me freedom to choose and to create my own life. 
 

God has given me complete freedom. But, also wants me to over come and to live the best life, to honour my life and to be willing to pay the Cost whatever it is to live an amazing life. 
 

Ive got to make my life real. I have not yet lived. This cannot be life. This is some strange nightmare. 

Edited July 17, 2022 by Thought Art

[Sine]

For me, it helped me to do something completely different and forget about art for a while. I struggled a lot to become an actor/playwright/director, I lived in the city and struggled so much with money, putting up plays, and making nothing. It made me sick. And all the pressure from peers. I realized that I loved art and telling stories, but I didn't like the way I had to live to become a professional in theater, I don't like going to events, socializing just for the sake of maybe meeting someone important that could help you move further op the latter and such.

So I decided I wanted to do something that could help other people. I began studying psychology (at 25 yo). I became so passionate about my studies that it felt very much like the right choice. I didn't think about theater, I let go of the feeling of being a failure, maybe it was easier because I would tell myself, now I'm doing something important, something to help people in need.

But then, slowly, I started writing just for fun, I didn't want anything to do with actors anymore, so I ended up writing stories instead of plays. Then now, this winter, I applied for writing school just to see, it's very difficult to get in, but it gives you a lot of credit if you can say it like that? And then they accepted me, so now I have finished my thesis in psychology and will be off to writing school, doing art for the next two years. 

So that is just my story, but I wanted to show you with this that sometimes God works in mysterious ways, and sometimes you have to let go to receive and become who you really are. 

And also. How old are you? I don't think you are too old. I used to feel that way and sometimes do still. 

And maybe post some of your music? I'd like to listen. I'm actually writing a lot of scenes trying to describe what it feels like to listen to music. So challenging, haha. 

Edited July 17, 2022 by Sine

[jimwell]

2 hours ago, Thought Art said:

Tinnitus does NOT heal.

Are you sure about this? You might discover how to heal it next year or 2 years from now. Keep observing and researching.

 

2 hours ago, Thought Art said:

I really just want to be wealthy. I’ve got the spiritual maps etc. Now just need to be wealthy and I don’t care how I do it. Money, I’m fucking coming for you.

Go for it. If you generate much money via devilry, still go for it. Money is a very powerful, all-encompassing force. So, I understand why you'll go the evil route. But just ensure that you compensate your devilry via creating as much beauty and goodness as you can (financially support humans with tinnitus, build homes for the homeless, feed the hungry, etc.).

 

2 hours ago, Thought Art said:

God, I know your potential for love is infinite. Why did you give me tinnitus and all my idiocy? I’m just hoping this hard work pays off. How dare you give me a dream and not the means to make it real? How dare you. 

Yes, God is an asshole this way. But remember that we all have our own shit. Leo has been tortured by his intestinal and low energy problems for many years. Don't underestimate his shit. Having low energy to materialize your principles and desires is very humiliating.

I also have my own shit. After recovering financially from my last divorce, I was feeling secure and comfortable. But then I lost more or less 70,000 USD from an online investment just a few months ago. It devastated my soul. I also cursed God . I have recovered mentally-emotionally from that tragedy. But I haven't recovered financially. So, remember everybody has their own shit.

 

2 hours ago, Thought Art said:

I’m either going to build a good life or I’m going to kill myself. There is no other option. 

Sounds good. But be careful about defining what a good life is. If you mean you need to be as rich and as famous as Justin Bieber to have a good life, then you slander the definition of a good life. And you'll probably end up murdering yourself for the wrong reasons.

There is much beauty in existence. Are you sure you don't get awed when you see beautiful women, trees, flowers, dogs, landscapes, architecture, parks, etc.?

Are you sure you don't get significant enjoyment when you travel around your country? Have you even tried travelling to a foreign country? It's even more splendid and magical (if you know which country to travel to).

If you don't see beauty and enjoyment in the things I said, you are already fucked. It doesn't even matter anymore whether you become a financially successful musician or not. Your real problem is you take things for granted. You need to enhance your perception and appreciation of beauty. 

 

2 hours ago, Thought Art said:

I have music to make and to share. If I can’t do that then God smite me down right fucking now! I’m not going to live some mediocre existence. 

There's something wrong with your worldview. It seems you need other's validation to make you happy and approve of yourself. 

Go and create music, and master it. But if you don't become as famous and as rich as Justin Bieber, that's ok. What matters is you do what you love, you master it, and you know that the music you create is a work of art. Others' reception of it is secondary. 

 

Here is an important lesson to learn. Her name was Miki Matsubara. She accomplished your musical dreams. She was a very famous Japanese singer, songwriter, composer, and rich as fuck. She accomplished it all in her 20s. 

But when she turned around 40, she regretted her musical career. She said her financial success and fame hindered her from living her best life. She burned all her musical collections and written musical pieces. She realized all this when she got cancer which eventually killed her. Her life story is featured in the video below. 

Turn on 'CC' for English subtitles.

 

You can see her in the official video of her popular song "Stay with Me".

Turn on 'CC' for English subtitles.

 

And how about Kurt Cobain, the vocalist of Sound Garden and Linkin Park (Chester Benington is his name?), and many other famous and rich rockstars who ended up murdering themselves? It shows you that reaching the top of the musical world is not everything.

Living a satisfying life is all about knowing yourself (your values, desires, repulsions, strengths, weakness), loving yourself (appreciating and being grateful for your gifts; and still loving yourself despite your flaws), seeing and appreciating the beauty of existence (many of them I already mentioned; and yes, it includes awakening). Money is there simply to keep you alive and to help you accomplish what I just said.

 

1 hour ago, Thought Art said:

Sure maybe only 1% make it as a musician. But what is the point of studying all this material if I can’t be one of those 1% fuck the 99% of failures. I want the real thing.

I already answered this.

 

1 hour ago, Thought Art said:

I am the greatest miracle in the world. (This is what God has told me in the book the God memorandum by Og Mandingo. I read it every night for 100 nights in a row.)

What is the greatest miracle if you can't love yourself deeply or unconditionally? 

What is the greatest miracle if you rely on other's validation to satisfy you?

[Thought Art]

@jimwell I can appreciate those things. But, I’ve already walked in a park, seen a sunset etc. They don’t make me happy. Like, I can enjoy them but they don’t fulfil me. 
 

What matters most to me is being able to make my art. If I can’t do that, being a wage slave for the rest of my life you might as well kill me.

Walking back and forth you work, again and again and again and again and again for the next 50 years? Are you kidding me? 
 

Look, I appreciate the beauty in life. But, currently I’m not living or able to live according to my actual desires. Music, making it and sharing it is what I want. I don’t really care about the validation from others. It’s an aesthetic thing for me. I wanna play large shows. Make great music, and share it with others. 
 

Im enjoying the process of studying accounting, I enjoy riding my bike around the city, I enjoy studying Qigong, nutrition and finance.  But that’s not playing the best music in the world fully expressing my heart and soul to tens of thousands of millions of people. 
 

No, I don’t want to be as popular as any of the artists you’ve listed nor do I need to be. 
 

Just going to my shit accounting job and walking in a part on Sunday may be fine for you, but not for me. 
 

Im not any of those other musicians. I don’t expect it to fix all my problems. 
 

But, I’m fucking bored out of my skull with the mediocre shit in life. I can enjoy it. But, it’s not gonna make me happy. 

Edited July 17, 2022 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

Lastly, I DO enjoy most days. 

I DO Enjoy the small things like my morning tea, my books, my Qigong etc.

It’s just, I know deep down this isn’t my life. Being mediocre, working some shit job, not realizing my highest creative potential may be okay for YOU but not for me. I have one life. I’m going to honour it. 
 

This post is to representative of how I ALWAYS feel. But, I’m expressing an aspect of myself here. 
 

That I want to live my best life and create and contribute to the world with my art. Everything, though yes… life is generally enjoyable. Is BULLSHIT. 
 

The happiest I have been in my life has been writing and performing and recording my music. 
 

Im not interested in being Justin bieber or any massive artist. You don’t need to be to make a living that supports you. 
 

I want to make my OWN contribution, as Engramn. I have a vision and I make it fucking real if it kills me. 
 

Right now it seems I’ll get to the end of my life, and maybe I let things go, and get more spiritually developed. But, it’s more likely I am on my death bed looking back thinking “wow, what a fucking waste of time, I made no music and was a god damn wage slave” or I make up some bullshit equise how my mediocre life was somehow better than living my best life. No. 
 

Im making it a reality.

Edited July 17, 2022 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

Plus, I have just made a plan to work my day job as an accountant and then evenings 5 hours after work on some store or something. 
 

I can pay down all my debts and save 6months worth of expenses in 2 years of working two jobs. It’s going to be hard but, I’m killing my debt and saving 6 months of savings. 2 years is a long time but, I’m sick and tired of being broke and I’m debt. This will cut my interest charges and save me money in the long run. I’m going to pay my students loans, loan, credit card and personal debt. I’m going to war on my debts. 
 

Then, things will be more relaxed. I’ll be 28, and I’ll have learned a lot in 2 years. 
 

This leaves little time for literally anything I like doing except on weekends or sundays if I don’t work. But, it’s a sacrifice I have to make. 

Edited July 17, 2022 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I’m going to be a successful musician, put my art on the map, make at least 3 millions dollars running my own businesses, have a healthy relationship, great place to live and I’m going to become extremely Awake. I’m going to also build a successful Qigong business. 
 

Fuck living a boring mediocre, broke ass, settle for the shit end kind of life. 
 

I enjoy the little things, but I can also get fucking bored of it all. I feel like I’ve been along for a very long time.

 

IF I DONT WHATS THE POINT IN ANY OF THIS work???? Enlightenment is not enough. Money is not enough. I want the whole thing! 

Edited July 17, 2022 by Thought Art