girlfriend going to miami with her friends

[zazen]

 Lol, jokes aside though. Quote '' The reflexive response most guys will have in a situation like this will be one of mate protection; the fear being that if they don’t express their disapproval they’ll run the risk of their woman thinking they don’t care enough about them to be jealous. This is a trope most guys sell themselves, because it’s more about suspicion than jealousy. As intuitive as this sounds it really masks the insecurity that their girl will meet another guy and hook up with him. On an instinctual level we’re well aware of women’s pluralistic sexual strategies, thus an evolutionarily honed suspicion was hardwired into our psyches to protect men from becoming the beta cuckold provisioning for another male’s offspring. However, as counterintuitive as this sounds, a girls night out is an excellent opportunity to display confidence behaviours by acting indifferent.''

 

Quote '' There is always going to be a naturalistic side to male possessiveness. For very good reason evolution selected-for men with a honed sense of suspicion – men want a certainty that their parental investment (or potential for it) will be worth the exchange of resources with a woman who will facilitate it. ''

 

We have instincts that are natural, how we respond to them and how they act out is what matters.  A man who doesn't care at all about his woman and her behaviours clearly doesn't have value himself or the relationship. It may come across cool, and initially being cool in the beginning stages is what hooks a woman into a relationship, but once in you must start protecting the relationship as the man. It is in our nature to protect, and a women to feel protected by you. If not, her comfort level will diminish. In pick up they talk about the balance of value and comfort, not caring at all so that you don't come across 'needy' doesn't fulfil the comfort side of the equation, only the fuck boy non chalant side, but a high value man is an integrated man, an actualised man who balances the precipice of both. 

 

Its tricky as theres a fine line between coming across insecure (not worthy and fearful of competition) and showing that your a man with standards and boundaries to be respected. If you keep conceding to everything like a walk over then that can tilt into the opposite and imply that your so insecure and don't want to upset your woman that you'll just let her do whatever in an attempt to please her and keep her happy or that you just don't care about her at all that she feels insecure in the relationship or not protected and will seek security in another man. The balance between stimulation and security. Not giving a shit may stimulate her, but it won't feel secure either. Your not trying to pick her up anymore, so put the tactics aside. Your not controlling her, your containing her feminine chaos within as masculine frame work in which she can feel protected in. 

Its not that your jealous or insecure as much as you think so highly of yourself and know your worth that you believe women come into your frame and respect the boundaries you have as a man, and if they don't your confident in your worth to replace her and know theres a line of women who will. 

 

You don't want to be too strong with boundaries to the point your woman is walking on egg shells as thats  an unpleasant experience and will ruin the relationship. But if you let her get away with anything then ironically you don't come across as a man of value, or respect. A man of values has values in the first place, those values have to be lived up to, boundaries and standards are formed around them to which you hold others in your life too, including your woman. By having these and her living up to them or attempting to, she feels she is winning you, that she has someone of value, because he valued him self and had his own set of values and that she is valued and can obtain your valuation of her by living up to them. You improve her life in the process, win win. 

 

My question to other on this forum regarding looser boundaries to not come across 'insecure'. Where is the boundary then? If letting your girl go to vegas clubs continuously isn't worthy of a boundary then what is?  

Edited July 19, 2022 by zazen

[SamC]

Let her go bro, and I mean accept that she will cheat if she does and if she doesn't great. Even more so, accept that you are terrifed of her cheating, and that you might not want to let her go. And if you absolutely can't let her go to miami.. then let her go. 

Do you see the message here? Let go. Do whatever feels right and trust yourself.

[zazen]

If you are long distance and rarely meet (if thats the case) shouldn't she be using her holiday time/resources to want to meet you? Depending on the age and frequency it matters. If younger than its natural for women to want to go on holidays with their girls, there still in their party phase and don't want to be stopped. You stopping her will make you come across insecure. If she does this on a frequent basis instead of coming to see you then its another issue. 

 

You can set boundaries and be cool at the same time without coming across needy. If she frequents girls holidays not wanting you there instead of coming to see you or arrange to meet somewhere with you instead, then she could be keeping you on the wings whilst on the lookout. You say she's amazing but does she think you are? Flip it on her head and realise your the prize, doesn't matter how hot she is, its not about that. Being with a hot girl who doesn't respect and love you and would rather party than meet you on a frequent basis (one off is understandable) isn't worth it. Your the prize, remember. You have the standards to be lived up to. 

 

Could say something along the lines of: I don't give my commitment away that easily, and appreciate you. Your free to do as you wish, likewise Im free to respond how I feel appropriate, and in my eyes a woman in a relationship doesn't frequent holidays or parties without her boyfriend. If that something you'd want to continue maybe our values are incompatible, but you do what you feel is right. 

 

You've told her your boundary, but given her the freedom to live up to it or not. Her actions will tell you what she really thinks at that point. But you setting your boundary and that your the chooser, sets a frame that your the one who's high value. And if her or anyone ever tells you your insecure due to your natural instincts as a man hold your ground and tell them its about respect not insecurity. Your frame should be, I dare another guy to talk to her and think he can out do me, good luck. 

[Raze]

Try the relationship red flags video here https://davidtianphd.com/masterclass-content/

[Danioover9000]

@patricknotstar

On 16/07/2022 at 1:11 AM, patricknotstar said:

Is this too far. I mean we are long distance but I trust her however this feels wrong even though she tells me there is nothing to worry about. Should I just end it or am I overthinking things, she is perfect in every way but this gets to me tbh

    I guess it's dependent on how strong your relationship is with your GF, and what you really want out of the relationship. At least decide from a clear understanding of what you want out of this relationship, and compare and contrast what you have given into the relationship vs what she has done so far to demonstrate her part in the relationship. From that you make your decision to split up and start dating again, or keep the relationship. You are the main protagonist of your story, and should have a life vision.

   If you don't fix this issue, and are extremely needy, then this is like almost every NTR story ever:  Really needy meak bf with hot GF and Jackass as third wheel. Eventually, the GF cheats on BF and hooks up with jackass, and bf heart broken, the end. ASAP fix your neediness, don't be the needy BF, start being the beefy BF instead, and if the relationship wasn't meant to be, let it go, go find new GF. If not, great, you worried over nothing.