32 years old and a Single Woman

[puporing]

2 minutes ago, integral said:

i've thought about this question for a long time. what it seems to boil down to is how developed you are in general and how mature you are in general and from that vantage point you'll be able to identify other peoples maturity. it's hard to identify High quality men when you don't have those qualities developed within and so high qualities are not well understood. this is why people at the same level of development tend to be together in the end.

Very true.. and level of trauma (remaining) as well..

Edited July 10, 2022 by puporing

[Leo Gura]

3 hours ago, no_name said:

What do you mean by that? What kind of things are those? Just the looks? 

I often see women rejecting guys for very shallow reasons. Not looks, but shallow behavioral reasons. You gotta look past that kind of stuff to stuff that is fundamental, like character, values, level of development, etc.

1 hour ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

I thought getting a partner is much easier for women...

You are lost in self-bias.

[puporing]

@Aleister Crowleyy It's a common theme in the music industry, the "winner take all" thing is still mostly a thing. Here's my response about that to another on the forum: 

Have you considered doing something else to make a living for the near future while you're making music/marketing it?

2 minutes ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

I've been super depressed lately with no gf or anything.

I get that.. but sometimes it happens when you're not "looking" and just doing your thing in the world.. 

3 minutes ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

But it's hard to make living with my parents (rn they are on vacation so it's easier). 

That might be affecting alot of your moods as well. 

[no_name]

14 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

often see women rejecting guys for very shallow reasons. Not looks, but shallow behavioral reasons. You gotta look past that kind of stuff to stuff that is fundamental, like character, values, level of development, etc.

Sorry I still don’t get it. Could you give some examples of shallow behavioural  reasons? You mean if he is not very confident/alpha male/doesn’t know how to sweep you off your feet kind of stuff? 

Edited July 10, 2022 by no_name

[integral]

I think the females selection process is more about how the guy makes them feel and not really a thinking process. How the guy makes them feel is based on their own personal preferences and biases that's mostly unconscious. This is what I've seen for many of the women on this site struggle with. they get wound up in the strong feelings and potential and completely lose sight of who the guy actually is.

Because of this women have it really tough, like I said above go to where developed people hang out. i'd even go as far as to hire a service who could vet people for you, maybe really good profile matching algorithm could do it. like only date people who have a 99% profile match on OkCupid.

Edited July 10, 2022 by integral

[Leo Gura]

24 minutes ago, no_name said:

Sorry I still don’t get it. Could you give some examples of shallow behavioural  reasons?

I don't have any specific examples off the top of my head.

Quote

You mean if he is not very confident/alpha male/doesn’t know how to sweep you off your feet kind of stuff? 

Certainly this is a problem, although I wasn't even getting into this.

You have to understand that many of the highest quality guys will not make the best/smoothest first-impression. The ones who sweep you off your feet with charm are players who are usually sallow scumbags.

Notice that the best things in life usually don't leave a great first impression, they aren't sexy or flashy. Learn to assess things based on fundamentals and substance, not surface appearance or first-impressions.

Another good strategy is to look for diamonds in the rough, rather than being dazzled by shiny things.

[no_name]

41 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You have to understand that many of the highest quality guys will not make the best/smoothest first-impression. The ones who sweep you off your feet with charm are players who are usually sallow scumbags.

Notice that the best things in life usually don't leave a great first impression, they aren't sexy or flashy. Learn to assess things based on fundamentals and substance, not surface appearance or first-impressions.

Yea, that’s true in my experience. Healthy relationships start off “calm” and build over time. I am just not too sure what you mean by “shallow behaviour reasons” then. 

 

Edited July 10, 2022 by no_name

[Leo Gura]

18 minutes ago, no_name said:

I am just not too sure what you mean by “shallow behaviour reasons” then.

Next time you reject a guy, observe the reason for which you did it.

And then ask yourself, "Was this a deep or a shallow reason?"

[Raze]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Next time you reject a guy, observe the reason for which you did it.

And then ask yourself, "Was this a deep or a shallow reason?"

The reason a woman states she rejected a guy is not necessarily why she rejected him. She may just not feel any chemistry or feel a bad vibe and can’t describe it so she just picks something random and obvious.

[Bobby_2021]

2 hours ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

????????? crying on the ground...

"You must realize that you are very robotic in what you are attracted to, like a fly to shit."

Sad, but true. I am dumbfounded hearing the kind of stuff that manipulative  guys did to her and she will still shamelessly justify assholes. I can't tolerate such behaviour. 

2 hours ago, integral said:

I think the females selection process is more about how the guy makes them feel and not really a thinking process. How the guy makes them feel is based on their own personal preferences and biases that's mostly unconscious. This is what I've seen for many of the women on this site struggle with. they get wound up in the strong feelings and potential and completely lose sight of who the guy actually is.

Because of this women have it really tough, like I said above go to where developed people hang out. i'd even go as far as to hire a service who could vet people for you, maybe really good profile matching algorithm could do it. like only date people who have a 99% profile match on OkCupid.

You don't need a paid service.

Just get your father, brother or closest male relative to vet for you.

[no_name]

2 hours ago, Raze said:

The reason a woman states she rejected a guy is not necessarily why she rejected him. She may just not feel any chemistry or feel a bad vibe and can’t describe it so she just picks something random and obvious.

We are on a self development forum though, I think most women here are willing/are already questioning their own motives and self biases. I just truly don’t understand what Leo meant by “shallow behaviour reasons”. Perhaps I have done it, perhaps not, I can’t say without having some examples of it.

But I see what you mean, sometimes there is a whole zoo of things wrong with the guy, and a woman will get a general bad vibe, while naming 1-2 random things.

Edited July 10, 2022 by no_name

[no_name]

On 2022-07-08 at 10:40 PM, puporing said:

I've moved partially for this reason and it's a very noticeable difference.

Can you please share where you moved from and to? (You can dm me instead if you don’t feel comfortable sharing here). I am considering moving too, for various reasons, but not sure if my city is bad for finding people to begin with.  

 

[Leo Gura]

4 hours ago, Raze said:

The reason a woman states she rejected a guy is not necessarily why she rejected him. She may just not feel any chemistry or feel a bad vibe and can’t describe it so she just picks something random and obvious.

Sure, hence introspection and contemplation is necessary.

[integral]

@no_name To pick from the last bf you had, you said before dating him that he was mature because he was a doctor or a psychologist and you very excited about the potential of it and didn't want to ruin it. After actually dating him all the red flags showed up and you where left still confused if it was your fault when it ended. There is a lot to unpack here. Its not my place to do so. It might make sense to have someone you trust or the community to go over a situation from start to finish to learn from the entire process. 

The feelings of excitement you had before dating him is the premature assessment, you had already decided he qualified to your standards, emotions where already invested, at that point its already to late. 

Edited July 10, 2022 by integral

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, JoeVolcano said:

There is never a whole zoo of deep, substantial things wrong with anyone. This is exactly what Leo means with shallow behavior

There is certainly a whole zoo of deep, substantial things wrong with people. Healthy, truthful, and stable people are quite rare.

Dating is not the time to be saintly. Screen out the trash. This is especially important for women who tend to fall for trash characters just because they are emotionally exciting.

Fundamentally what's necessary is an eye for assessing good character. Women are especially terrible at this.

[Clabber Girl]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

There is certainly a whole zoo of deep, substantial things wrong with people. Healthy, truthful, and stable people are quite rare.

Dating is not the time to be saintly. Screen out the trash. This is especially important for women who tend to fall for trash characters just because they are emotionally exciting.

Fundamentally what's necessary is an eye for assessing good character. Women are especially terrible at this.

Yes I think this has been a pain point for me... I am not a good judge of character typically. Something to practice. I date someone for shallow reasons and get really excited about a future together. During the relationship I usually get very obvious signs that tell me maybe his character is not so good, like making me cry by not being very loving. Then the next guy I date gives me another hit of excitement then it the cycle all over again. 

@Aleister CrowleyyWomen can usually get laid easily... Its the dating a quality man part that is the struggle. I could walk out my door now and have sex.

 

 

 

 

 

[Karmadhi]

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Fundamentally what's necessary is an eye for assessing good character. Women are especially terrible at this.

Why so? Could you please elaborate? I agree with you and am very very curious to know why.

[Leo Gura]

23 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

Why so? Could you please elaborate? I agree with you and am very very curious to know why.

Because women have sex purely based off emotional stimulation. So as long as a scumbag stimulates her the right way she will open her legs like a robot. It's so predicable it like gaming a dodo bird. And if the guy does not know how to emotionally manipulate her, he basically won't get laid even if he's an otherwise awesome guy.

This kind of unconscious way of having sex is foolish and leads to all sorts of trouble.

The people who know best how to emotionally manipulate you are exactly the worse type of people to sleep with.

[Karmadhi]

14 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Because women have sex purely based off emotional stimulation. So as long as a scumbag stimulates her the right way she will open her legs like a robot. It's so predicable it like gaming a dodo bird. And if the guy does not know how to emotionally manipulate her, he basically won't get laid even if he's an otherwise awesome guy.

This kind of unconscious way of having sex is foolish and leads to all sorts of trouble.

The people who know best how to emotionally manipulate you are exactly the worse type of people to sleep with

Can good looks, social status at a reasonable level (no celebrety) , friends, being successful etc count as emotional stimulation or is it just the way you behave? Does being toxic and ghosting girls randomly count as emotional stimuation? I see some guys do this and it works good for them (at the expense of the girl ofc).

This is really scary tbh, so all guys manipulate their way to sex? I know really good guys that are not manipulative at all and still got girls, they manipulate unconsciously? You also manipulate girls every time you get laid?

Edited July 10, 2022 by Karmadhi

[Leo Gura]

10 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

Can good looks, social status at a reasonable level (no celebrety) , friends, being successful etc count as emotional stimulation

Those things count. Especially status. Raw success, like money in your bank account, does not count.

Quote

Does being toxic and ghosting girls randomly count as emotional stimuation? I see some guys do this and it works good for them (at the expense of the girl ofc).

Yes, that counts as emotional stimulation. Not that I endorse it.

Quote

This is really scary tbh, so all guys manipulate their way to sex?

No, don't be so extreme. We are speaking in generalities.

Quote

I know really good guys that are not manipulative at all and still got girls, they manipulate unconsciously?

1) Of course most of the manipulation men do is unconscious. Although some guys can also do it very deliberately, with pure calculation.

2) You can always gets some girls through pure random luck without doing anything, just being at the right place at the right time.

3) Good looking guys and high status guys require a lot less manipulation. Also, it's a question of the quality and quantity of girls the guy wants. If you are happy with low quality girls then you don't need to manipulate as much.

4) I'm not saying that you can't get laid without manipulation. You can. You'll just get laid a lot less and with a different kind of girl. It's a bit like sales. You can still sell stuff without being a used car salesman about it. But there is also a good reason why used car salesmen are the way they are, and why you shouldn't sleep with one.