32 years old and a Single Woman

[Clabber Girl]

Hey Everyone -  So I am still single at 32 years old, I have had several relationships all lasting about 2 years or under. I cannot seem to find the right man... A few lessons I have learned along the way:

1. Always use my intuition/gut feelings about a man
2. If his friends dont like me or I dont like them its a red flag
3. Quit wasting your time on men who you know are wrong for you but they are a source of familiarity and comfort
4. Make sure they share similar values

These are some takeaways from my past failed relationships. Could anyone else give me advice on how to find a good man? where are the best places to meet men? I like working out, golf and yoga. I have been thinking about joining a BJJ class to meet more people and gain self defense skills.

Edited July 9, 2022 by Clabber Girl
misspelling and adding some

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uygKMYtrUYw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euPx9iieoiw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJhD9NGPfLE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2UlaMPZUQk

[Ulax]

Have you done any work on the unconscious level?

It may be that you have an unhealthy attachment dynamic, i.e. rooted in unhealthy attachments styles with your parents.

If not, a depth psychotherapy may help you.

[Leo Gura]

You need more leads in your funnel. Socialize more so you have more fodder to screen through. Then screen based on values and actual important points, not superficial and shallow ones.

Go on many more dates, but screen harder. Don't judge a guy too much before the date. Use the date to actually get to know him and then you can judge once you have some material to work with.

I feel that a big mistake girls make is that they judge way too early on way too little information and in superficial ways, not really giving the best guys a chance, while falling quickly for the wrong guys. A great guy's qualities take time to see. Your intuition is not good at picking it up. So be careful with that intuitive approach. Your intuition is often wrong because it has too little information. If your intuition was so good, you wouldn't be sleeping with so many wrong guys. So the problem is that your intuition gets you into trouble. It's very easy for a player to fool your intuition because it's easy to trigger attraction in a girl just by doing the things girls are attracted to. You must realize that you are very robotic in what you are attracted to, like a fly to shit.

[Clabber Girl]

39 minutes ago, Ulax said:

Have you done any work on the unconscious level?

It may be that you have an unhealthy attachment dynamic, i.e. rooted in unhealthy attachments styles with your parents.

If not, a depth psychotherapy may help you.

I have read about attachment dynamic and I feel that I may be avoidant/insecure attachment style (my father left when I was young and I never met him, although I did have a step-dad we were never close). Considering talking to a therapist to help me gain more insight into how to be more secure in relationships. I don't date much so I think that socializing more is crucial to my development in this department, its been a source of huge heartbreaks and disappointment. 

 

[puporing]

High conscious people are rare in general, I find the most important factor (and easiest to change) is where you live and the dominant level of consciousness or values in that area. I've moved partially for this reason and it's a very noticeable difference. And of course then you zoom in on the kinds of environment where you might find more high conscious guys. It can still be challenging but if you're in the right environment (the kind you want more of), then you're way more likely to find someone with similar values and similar level of consciousness.

Hope that helps.

Edited July 9, 2022 by puporing

[Devin]

Jiu Jitsu!!! Yeah, go have fun, do stuff like that, you'll meet tons of people. What type of guy are you looking for? Don't be afraid to ask a guy out that you're interested in.

-You could try indoor rock climbing, it's a very social environment and friendly, pretty much all stellar guys(me?)

-Beach volleyball, the big cities in Ohio have very social volleyball venues, checkout Facebook

-any coed sport you're interested in

-look on Meetup for things groups do around you

-group ballroom dance classes

-volunteer for work at parks and trails

Edited July 9, 2022 by Devin

[Clabber Girl]

@Devin Thanks Devin! I actually live in Ohio too, so I will checkout the social volleyball venues. I used to play in a kickball league when I lived in Phoenix and really enjoyed it. I always have wanted to do ballroom dance classes as well. I can be a bit introverted so getting out of my shell a bit will be challenging, so baby steps one at a time!

[Devin]

5 hours ago, Clabber Girl said:

@Devin Thanks Devin! I actually live in Ohio too, so I will checkout the social volleyball venues. I used to play in a kickball league when I lived in Phoenix and really enjoyed it. I always have wanted to do ballroom dance classes as well. I can be a bit introverted so getting out of my shell a bit will be challenging, so baby steps one at a time!

You're welcome! Check Meetup for kickball.

Edited July 9, 2022 by Devin

[Ulax]

 

7 hours ago, Clabber Girl said:

I have read about attachment dynamic and I feel that I may be avoidant/insecure attachment style (my father left when I was young and I never met him, although I did have a step-dad we were never close). Considering talking to a therapist to help me gain more insight into how to be more secure in relationships. I don't date much so I think that socializing more is crucial to my development in this department, its been a source of huge heartbreaks and disappointment. 

 

I see. Sounds like you have a degree of healthy self-awareness.

I like Internal Family Systems (IFS) as my depth psychotherapy of choice. If that is something you're interested in pursuing, there is a book called, 'You are the one you've been waiting for', by Richard Schwartz. Its about the IFS model re relationships.

[Flint]

12 hours ago, Clabber Girl said:

 

1. If his friends dont like me or I dont like them its a red flag

I would perhaps be a bit more nuanced. It's not your friends so you don't neccessarily have to love all of them nor like all of them either.

And if it's damaging influences your boyfriend should be able to descope them by himself, otherwise that's indeed a red flag.

In general other parties should not be able to stir up drama in your relationships but that does not warrant that you have to get along/like all of those parties. As long as you don't have them

[Razard86]

While values are very important, the most important trait I personally believe you need to look for in a man is ownership of his words and actions. If he is strong enough to admit mistakes, if he is consistent in his words and actions (congruence), and he is willing to work/talk through issues then you have found a very rare partner. But the first question you need to ask BEFORE you go searching for a partner is, would I date myself?

Looking for a partner is like sharing a room. If your side is dirty you can't look for people with clean organized rooms. Clean your room first, then you can look for someone else with a clean room. The reason some people struggle to connect with people with clean rooms because they are boring, lol. Some people are addicted to drama and pain, and a clean room doesn't provide that.

I'm not saying a clean room cannot be boring, but all it is missing is spontaneity and creativity. But that can easily be worked on and developed versus trying to fix a dirty cluttered room. So clean your room, find someone with a clean room and you both can work on decorating the rooms and living in those nice rooms together, the room of the heart.

[integral]

How do you find men in general? Online dating? What is the source? 

Edited July 9, 2022 by integral

[Clabber Girl]

@Razard86 I agree, finding a man with those traits(ownership of words/actions, integrity, willing to work through issues) is rare. I consider my side of the room clean but not perfectly clean! I consider myself attractive(I have no problem attracting them), I am fit, I am well off financially, but like I said my social life is not the "cleanest" part of my life right now. I have made the decision to drift apart from several friendships that are no longer right for me and so my friend list is very small at the moment... My social life was really amazing when I was  younger but now with everyone getting married, people change priorities and drift apart. I would consider that aspect not great about me 

@integral One man I have met online, work, bars, friends(when I was younger) 

[Breakingthewall]

21 hours ago, Clabber Girl said:

I feel that I may be avoidant/insecure attachment style (my father left when I was young and I never met him, although I did have a step-dad we were never close).

You feel that maybe...that's the problem. first of all you must know yourself deeply, to the root. there is more there than you think. Layers and layers to be revealed. most people don't even scratch the surface, and live in the unconscious. This makes you drive the car blind. it is normal to have one accident after another

[no_name]

22 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

not superficial and shallow ones

What do you mean by that? What kind of things are those? Just the looks? 

[Roy]

27 minutes ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

I thought getting a partner is much easier for women...

It's a lot easier to get sex/relationships for women, it's just finding the right partner that's the problem.

Imagine being a good looking girl, you have hundreds of guys approaching you, and somehow you have to figure out which ones are worth the time and which aren't.

[puporing]

1 minute ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

????????? crying on the ground...

"You must realize that you are very robotic in what you are attracted to, like a fly to shit."

Idk if he realize by saying that he's also saying we're all shit (when someone is attracted to us). 

[puporing]

2 minutes ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

So true. I live in Rochester N.Y(Penfield). Nothing is here. It's nothing like Leo, in Las Vegas. 

If we all lived in areas like Las Vegas then we'd all be doing a bit better socially.

Why don't you move to Vegas?

[integral]

What it seems to boil down to is how developed you are in general and how mature you are in general and from that vantage point you'll be able to identify other peoples maturity. it's hard to identify High quality men when you don't have those qualities developed within and so high qualities are not well understood. this is why people at the same level of development tend to be together in the end. also the more mature you are the clearer your standards will be and the clearer they will be defined in your mind when assessing someone.

The best thing you can do is get a good source go where developed people tend to go and only date from those sources. Because you won't be able to tell The difference between authentic development and a attractive facade. to identify something authentic you need to either be already there or be pursuing it every day so to get a glimpse at a higher level.

Edited July 10, 2022 by integral