Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[Solvinden]

Hey Everyone,

my girlfriend (21) and me (29) have been dating for a little more than 3 years now 
and are in a committed relationship for a little bit more than one year now (she is living in another city) .

Right now, I am asking myself if I shall leave the relationship or not.

Why should I leave?

- 2 years ago she fell in love with another guy and slept with him + confessed that she never really fell in love with me/had butterflies in her stomach.
This obviously hurt me very much and I still suffer from it (Back then I was handling many things not perfectly.).
- I have a strong desire to approach many girls/play the field.
I feel that here is my biggest possibility of growth and I intuit a certain euphoria by mastering it.
- I feel ambivalent about the relationship and am not passionate about our future together.
This is mostly due to still feeling hurt and her social circle/family knowing about what happened. 
This makes me feel like a total loser and I avoid introducing her to my friends because they know the back story and I find it embarassing.
- If single again, I never want to have a relationship again, I never want to have a family. (Nothing wrong with it. But I don't want it.)
- For the last two years the main emotion that I felt with her was pain and I was constantly doubting the relationship.

- When I imagine leaving, I feel like a heavy burden is lifted from my heart.

Why should I stay?

- I can not imagine a better girl than her on my side. She is extremely well developped and our values/life plans fit ridculously well.
- I don't want to hurt her, maybe she'll never find someone like me again. And vice versa (I'm not particularly good looking).
- The way I feel is generated from within. It feels a little bit stupid to try to change my internal state by breaking up with her.
- I'm careful about not creating too much Runanubandha. Too many deep romantic relationships with different partners might
 confuse the system and make things more complicated down the line. So maybe it is wiser to stay in a relationship that is on paper "perfect".
- I don't care that much if I am never ever romantically involed with another woman again (This is not a contradiction to the strong desire to approach girls)

I struggled to make a decision already for the last 4 months.
However, I don't seem to make much progress (Yes, I watched Leo's video and it gave me a push in the right direction).

Maybe you guys can give me some valuable input to help me facilitate the decision.
Thanks for reading this long post!

Solvinden

Edited July 8, 2022 by Solvinden

[human679]

Does she still have contact with that guy? And does she love you?

[SamC]

You will create a lot more Runabandha if you are in a relationship based on attatchment then non attatchement. I think you should leave the relationship bro and that not only because of that. If she don't love you enough to not sleep with another guy while you are in a relationship, and then tell you that she hasn't had any real butterflies, she is not the one. 

 What you are seeking is " thy self".. which is yourself, litterly. Focus on healing and use her and the breakup as a catalyst for that. What aspects of yourself is she mirroring back to you? That's what I would tell my past self. Leave her

Edited July 8, 2022 by SamC

[Solvinden]

She broke the contact with him 1.5 years go and she deeply loves me/writes me music/puts in the effort (Even though I suspect it is this mature kind of love and not the butterflies in your stomach kind).

[human679]

Butterflies feelings aren’t real love, people usually get butterflies when meeting someone new and everything is fun and exciting, it doesn’t even last more than a month, but if you’re feeling more downs than ups in this relationship then it’s probably time to leave and work on yourself, you’re still young dude, you’ll be fine

[Roy]

Leave her and find someone else dude. You deserve to be happy, there are so many potential relationships out there for you where you can fall in love all over again and get everything you want.

What are you going to do, stay in this trash relationship where you're constant in pain and doubting things? Where she has already cheated and said she never really loved you?

21 minutes ago, Solvinden said:

- I can not imagine a better girl than her on my side.

THIS is your biggest problem here. You lack imagination and have tunnel vision blinding you to everything else out there. You need to free yourself from these binds.

You are 29. This is the prime age to get back out there.

[petar8p]

Move on.

[Solvinden]

Just to make things clear. She never cheated, We are in a relationship just for one year.

Two years ago I told her we can not be in a relationship because I want to have a family at some point and she is not able to have children. I struggled quite some time to come to the realization that I never want to have children anyway. In the meantime she met this other guy.

[Clabber Girl]

I would break up with her... If that's what you ultimately decide on then I will also advise the following:

1. When approaching new women your age make sure they know you don't want a serious relationship/children
2. Women 30+ tend to want something more serious and their biological clock is ticking so be respectful of their time

[Raze]

Most relationships dissolve after 2-4 years. Maybe just stick it out until then.

[integral]

Is this accurate?

• you don't wanna leave her because you don't wanna hurt her
• You've been hurt to the point where you no longer want to have a relationship ever again

[King Merk]

I think you should leave her and focus on developing your skills with other women 

[Leo Gura]

16 hours ago, Solvinden said:

- For the last two years the main emotion that I felt with her was pain and I was constantly doubting the relationship.

- When I imagine leaving, I feel like a heavy burden is lifted from my heart.

If these points are true then this seems like a dealbreaker.

Why be in a relationship that causes the above? Surely a better relationship can be found.

[Cthulu]

Its ok to let go

[Value]

I like the quote about intuition - > when questioned with arguments, intuitive gutfeel remain silent and steady.

What do you find yourself trying to convince yourself of - staying with her or leaving? And which side has an intuitive, silent gut feel to it?

Edited July 9, 2022 by Value

[something_else]

Find another girl, there are plenty of them out there

[meta_male]

Hey man, this sounds a lot like what I just came out of. What's your intuition telling you? How have you been feeling in the past couple of years? Are you able to put the finger on what's off exactly? Do you feel confused and not like yourself while being with this person?

On 8.7.2022 at 11:53 PM, Solvinden said:

- When I imagine leaving, I feel like a heavy burden is lifted from my heart.

You'll get there eventually, trust me dude. You posting this is the start of the leaving process, just gotta accept it and the suffering will start to soften.

On 8.7.2022 at 11:53 PM, Solvinden said:

- I can not imagine a better girl than her on my side. She is extremely well developped and our values/life plans fit ridculously well.

Can you imagine a better life without a girlfriend (for now) though?

[Solvinden]

I just broke up with her. This was the most scary thing in my life so far, but I feel so much better now. Building now a vision for the adventurous life I dream to live.