Non-toxic dating

[Rubywoo]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently dating a nerdy guy who is smart and sweet but I feel that he is not the usual type of man I'm going for.

Usually my type is a more (toxic) masculine kind of guy who is somewhat avoidant and not ready to commit or lacks intelligence. I refuse to believe I can only date/ fall in love with these types of macho guys but these are typically the ones I feel physically more attracted to. 

The guy I'm dating right now is not necessarily unattractive but he gives off a more sensitive and vulnerable attitude which I like and I always wanted that actually. So why am I not attracted to him physically (I don't want to kiss or sleep with him, also side note we had like 4 dates already)

How can I see beyond superficial stuff like looks bc I know this is not that important for building a longterm relationship.

 

Namaste <3

[gettoefl]

i say it matters not what a person is like if you are not sexually attracted, it is a waste of both your time, has to be that giddy spark

there are plenty more fish in the sea

[Leo Gura]

Feminine is attracted to masculine energy. And it sounds like this guy isn't in his masculine. It's not so much a looks thing, it's an energy thing.

If you are not wet for him after 4 dates then it's time to find another guy. That's not a shallow problem. Just screen the masculine guys better to weed out the jerks and fools.

[Rubywoo]

@Leo Gura You're so right about the energy thing!

How do I distinguish masculine guys from toxic masculine guys? A lot of "spiritual" men I've met have huge ego problems and are not really that emotionally intelligent... 

[Raptorsin7]

6 hours ago, Rubywoo said:

The guy I'm dating right now is not necessarily unattractive but he gives off a more sensitive and vulnerable attitude which I like and I always wanted that actually. So why am I not attracted to him physically (I don't want to kiss or sleep with him, also side note we had like 4 dates already)

 

haha I can feel the dagger going into the heart of every sensitive non-masculine guy out here.

I don't think you can force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone, so you may just not be compatible with these kinds of guys. Maybe you can work with him and help him develop some masculine qualities?

The issue is to find a guy who is both vulnerable, sensitive etc but also has a strong masculine edge is very rare. I've never met anyone who had a good balance of both, so you and every other girl is looking for the same guy. 

6 hours ago, Rubywoo said:

Usually my type is a more (toxic) masculine kind of guy who is somewhat avoidant and not ready to commit or lacks intelligence

This could something to contemplate or talk to a therapist about. If you're attracted to men who are avoidant and toxic then you may have some shadow issues with these behaviors that are driving the attraction.

[Rubywoo]

5 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I don't think you can force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone, so you may just not be compatible with these kinds of guys. Maybe you can work with him and help him develop some masculine qualities?

The issue is to find a guy who is both vulnerable, sensitive etc but also has a strong masculine edge is very rare. I've never met anyone who had a good balance of both, so you and every other girl is looking for the same guy. 

 

Thank you very much for your input.

These are exactly my thoughts too. I thought of maybe just kissing him the next time I see him and see how it feels, maybe it's just me making assumptions he can't kiss or isn't very sensual for some superficial bs reason. And I agree, I've never met a guy who is balanced in that way, sometimes when I meet men who are into spirituality they seem like that at first but it's just their huge spiritual ego... 

[Roy]

If he is a great guy and treating you well, I would suggest taking the initiative and making a move next time like kissing him or having a more intimate date. It might make the relationship flourish and he'll open up to you more and it might garner some attraction within you.

It can be really hard to read women sometimes, you might be sending out confusing signals and/or his temperament might be that he doesn't want to be too aggressive or forward out of risk of making a mistake or offending you. Whereas toxic or very masculine guys won't hesitate with this because they either don't care or are unaware.

As general advice though I'd say if you aren't that attracted to someone early on it's better to just move on and find someone you are attracted to.

[Rubywoo]

@Roy great advice, thank you! 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Rubywoo Please leave that guy alone before he falls in love...

[Raptorsin7]

Just now, Rubywoo said:

Thank you very much for your input.

These are exactly my thoughts too. I thought of maybe just kissing him the next time I see him and see how it feels, maybe it's just me making assumptions he can't kiss or isn't very sensual for some superficial bs reason. And I agree, I've never met a guy who is balanced in that way, sometimes when I meet men who are into spirituality they seem like that at first but it's just their huge spiritual ego... 

Hmm. It's going to be tough to manufacture chemistry like that, at least from a guy's perspective I don't know if I could (or if i'd want to) force myself to kiss or be with someone who I wasn't physically attracted to. I think in order for this angle to work you would have to communicate what about him you are finding undesirable, and then work together so he can embody more of the qualities you find sexually desirable.

But this seems like a lot of work for someone you've only been on 4 dates with. And idk how he would feel if you expressed that his current persona is physically unattractive to you. 

I think your best bet is to do some deep inner work to understand why you are attracted toxic men, and why you are having trouble attracting the kind of man you want. “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today, I am wise so I am changing myself.” -Rumi

What you want out of life is currently beyond your state of  being or perception. So you have to upgrade some aspect of your perception to get what you want.

I'll give you an example from my life that can illustrate the point.

When I was 19 I was really insecure about how I looked and depressed because I thought I was going bald. When I looked in the mirror I saw an ugly face, and I always thought I was unattractive to woman, and I had real examples of where woman rejected me etc.

But then something triggered in me and I went on a self help tear over like 2 weeks. One thing that happened was I completely changed my perception of my own attractiveness and how I looked. It took me two days but I literally went from seeing an ugly face in the mirror, to loving how I looked in the mirror and see a good looking face. I also started to notice more attractive woman checking me out, and all of a sudden my reality almost shifted to where I was this attractive guy. It was a complete 180.

So the same thing needs to happen with you, with respect to your dating options and how you view yourself and potential mates.

I'm not sure what exactly I did so I can't help you do it, but I know it's possible so maybe someone else can help you.

[Rubywoo]

@Raptorsin7 thank you! 

 

[Raze]

Try IFS therapy to heal attachment issues that make you drawn to avoidant men

[Karmadhi]

8 hours ago, Rubywoo said:

I'm currently dating a nerdy guy who is smart and sweet but I feel that he is not the usual type of man I'm going for.

Usually my type is a more (toxic) masculine kind of guy who is somewhat avoidant and not ready to commit or lacks intelligence. I refuse to believe I can only date/ fall in love with these types of macho guys but these are typically the ones I feel physically more attracted to. 

The guy I'm dating right now is not necessarily unattractive but he gives off a more sensitive and vulnerable attitude which I like and I always wanted that actually. So why am I not attracted to him physically (I don't want to kiss or sleep with him, also side note we had like 4 dates already)

How can I see beyond superficial stuff like looks bc I know this is not that important for building a longterm relationship.

 

Namaste <3

LOL i am also kinda like that guy you mentioned. Interesting to see how girls probably see me from their pov. Were you attracted to him at first or did his behaviour turn you off somehow? Because if you want on a date with him in the first place it means you found him attractive enough to kiss/have sex with normally.

 

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Feminine is attracted to masculine energy. And it sounds like this guy isn't in his masculine. It's not so much a looks thing, it's an energy thing.

How do non masculine guys get girls? I have met quite few of them with decent girls and it always baffles me.  Like shy, meek guys basically.

[Rubywoo]

3 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:Were you attracted to him at first or did his behaviour turn you off somehow?

Yes I’ve found him attractive, in a physical sense! I feel like his posture and overall shyness may turned me off.

[Karmadhi]

25 minutes ago, Rubywoo said:

Yes I’ve found him attractive, in a physical sense! I feel like his posture and overall shyness may turned me off.

Why is it such a big turn off for you girls? Personally i am not shy, more like  chill and low energy but not rly shy. However i used to be shy in the past and it killed my results with girls.

I find shy girls cute,  

 

Edited July 7, 2022 by Karmadhi

[Chives99]

If you flirt and act warm to him then It will encourage him  to display his own natural humour and personality, if a girl isnt sweet with me it makes me think she isnt interested , but then again thats they type of girl I'm more drawn to

[thenondualtankie]

@Raptorsin7 Dude had a glowup in the span of 48 hours.

[Razard86]

9 hours ago, Rubywoo said:

Hi everyone,

I'm currently dating a nerdy guy who is smart and sweet but I feel that he is not the usual type of man I'm going for.

Usually my type is a more (toxic) masculine kind of guy who is somewhat avoidant and not ready to commit or lacks intelligence. I refuse to believe I can only date/ fall in love with these types of macho guys but these are typically the ones I feel physically more attracted to. 

The guy I'm dating right now is not necessarily unattractive but he gives off a more sensitive and vulnerable attitude which I like and I always wanted that actually. So why am I not attracted to him physically (I don't want to kiss or sleep with him, also side note we had like 4 dates already)

How can I see beyond superficial stuff like looks bc I know this is not that important for building a longterm relationship.

 

Namaste <3

1. Basic Human Attractiveness is rooted in your animalistic desires. Men are attracted more towards physical beauty, and Women are more attracted to raw displays of masculine behavior. 

2. My belief after several years of contemplation is because of among early humans the most narcissitic men tended to be the best warriors/conquerors and somewhere along the line this became embedded into the female genome as markers for strength.

So as a result Men must overcome their propensity to be hung up on looks only as a marker for a viable partner, and Women need to get over their hang up of men who display large behaviors associated with narcissism to find a viable partner. 

You are where you are in your development. No judgment no guilt needed. I'm glad you were able to notice this issue. This a just a part of your development. You like what you like, until you don't. Most people cannot overcome their desires until they learn the hard way where those desires lead them. You can find out for yourself if that is the path you choose to tread.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886913012245

[Leo Gura]

11 hours ago, Rubywoo said:

@Leo Gura You're so right about the energy thing!

How do I distinguish masculine guys from toxic masculine guys? A lot of "spiritual" men I've met have huge ego problems and are not really that emotionally intelligent... 

Make a personalized list of red flags. Then screen for it.

What do you want? What do you not want? Contemplate that deeply until you are clear.

[flowboy]

@Rubywoo  That guy could either...

• Just have a feminine essence. Which means that he would pair best with a woman who has a masculine essence (leading, career driven, etc), a polarity flipped relationship can be valid and good if it's authentic
• Be suffering from conditioning that's in the way of feeling his masculine essence. Perhaps he had an absent father, perhaps masculinity was suppressed in his upbringing some other way. No good rolemodels.
  He can work through that if that's the case, but no chance you're going to be there for him to see it through. He needs to go it on his own.

How do you distinguish toxic guys from just masculine guys?

Not by mental tricks or hacks or questions to ask, in my opinion.

If you're attracted to toxic males, you didn't have a healthy masculine rolemodel. Your father failed to be there for you, or was toxic to you in some other way. This is what causes the imprint to be distorted, which then determines what your intuition is looking for.

Choosing to really face this history by processing feelings from childhood will help here.

We subconsciously look for people to relive the same pain with, until the original pain is felt.

Best advice I have to give, is to find multiple healthy masculine friends, and spend a lot of time with them.

Soak up that healthy masculine energy.

Learn to feel the difference, not just mentally understand.

Retrain your intuition.

@Sine Anything to add?