Having Issues with Advocating for my Wants

[soos_mite_ah]

This is something that I have been contemplating for a hot minute and I just wanted to put my thoughts out there to see if it resonates with anyone and to open up conversations around it. I'm not really looking for solutions (though that doesn't hurt) rather I'm looking to relate to others and have a better understanding of my own situation and how it might also manifest in other people or other ways. 

Basically, I feel like I've been in survival mode for a very long time both in terms of my personal life but also how I see myself in a larger picture. I think as a result, it's sometimes difficult to picture what I might want in life or feel like I can go after it because I'm preoccupied with my needs. On top of that, I feel like I'm often in the position to make the most out of the bare minimum and to avoid my emotions if something is dissatisfying. This might not be straight up emotional supression but it's usually along the lines of forcing myself to look at the brightside of the situation, downplay how bad I really feel because other people have it worse, or focussing on other areas of my life to avoid dissatisfaction. I also feel like I'm used to sacrificing my wants in favor of my needs. And while that isn't always a bad thing, it's important to prioritize things in a way that you're baseline is fulfilled, but always writing your desires off as frivolous to focus on the necessities can be detrimental to your over all happiness and fulfillment in the long run. Even as I'm writing this out, I feel priviledged and entitled for asking for something more than the necessities. There is a part of me that is used to renouncing my wants both spiritually and otherwise to the point where it isn't really healthy and has left me feeling like a blob of a person.

I feel that I renounce my wants because there is a part of me that feels like I'll never get it and that it will be easier to come to terms with that and deconstructing it rather than doing something about it. There is a sense of hopelessness in the air and I think a lot of it does have to do with a lot of things that are going on politically and economically around me. It feels like there is no sign of things getting better and it feels like I don't have many options to act because of the way institutionally, my autonomy is limited.

I just find myself settling in a lot of areas in my life. Not to the point where I'm getting taken advantage of but to the point where I don't think I'll be happy or fulfilled. I'm going to list out some examples to articulate what I mean: 

1. Finding a job that won't exploit me: I don't have a problem with advocating for my needs in that I am good at setting boundaries with people, advocating for myself to get a living wage, and setting realistic expectations so that I can avoid fields and jobs that are prone to overwork. But at the same time, I feel like I'm asking for too much when I say I want meaningful work engaging with people that I like. Like, it should be satisfying enough to be working normal hours with enough pay to support yourself and put things away for savings. That's more than what most people end up with given the systemic issues that are present. A job is just a job in the end of the day and it's important to find things outside of work that gives you fulfillment because regardless of whether or not your job is your passion, capitalism will still exploit you. I've also been seeing a lot on how it's more important to find something that is bareable and pays well rather than something you're passionate about but isn't financially sustainable. Which is fair because I'm not trying to be homeless. 

2. Making more money: While I do have enough self esteem to advocate for a living wage, I don't have enough self esteem to advocate for myself to get paid what I'm worth because quite frankly, I don't see myself as being worth much. I have a pretty bad case of imposter syndrome and I don't really see myself amounting to much in my life or contributing something that is super valuable.

I also just have this core belief that I'm mediocre in everyway and that there isn't much that is desireable about me professionally, platonically, romantically, or sexually. While I don't think that I deserve to suffer, there are often times that I feel like it would be best if I didn't exist.  

3. Settling in the suburbs and buying a house: Financially speaking, it makes more sense to save up for a house than to rent an apartment for the rest of your life. Personally I love the idea of living in a apartment in the city beause I want to be in walkable community and a place with decent public transport. But living in the city is expensive and rent can hike up over time and it's not like you would be able to own anything in the end of the day (or as the boomers like to say, renting is basically throwing your money away so you need to buy as soon as possible so that you have an asset that appreciates in value over time).  Sure I don't *need* to live in a city that is near my work and that is walkable and all I need is some form of shelter that is safe and doesn't have bugs. But I have been called unrealistic for having this desire in the first place because it's expensive and unreasonable in the long run.  

4. Dating people I'm not attracted to: I'm very vigilant about red flags and unhealthy dynamics and I'm good at avoiding situations that can easily turn abusive. I'm good at again, identifying and  advocating for my needs, communicating, and having difficult conversations. I'm good at seeing if I have emotional chemistry with people and if our values are compatible. But I'm not good at going after what I want because I feel like a lot of men don't even meet the bare minimum. So finding a guy who meets my standards feels like a feat because of all of the ways I filter for anything problematic. Finding someone who meets my standards AND my wants AND actually likes me back feels impossible since I'm pretty average in terms of personality, looks, etc. I feel like I'm asking for too much to want a guy that I'm attracted to since I myself am not particularly attractive.  

5. Dealing with the current state of the world particulary the U.S: I feel like I've been living in a carnaval since the moment that I gained political consciouness when I was 15. I am exhausted with all of it from Trump's presidency, to COVID, to my abortion rights being taken from me. Not to mention that basic things like health care, student loan forgiveness, getting a higher minimum wage, and gun laws have been debated since I was a child with little to no meaningful change  that would positively impact other people's lives. Sometimes it feels like the world keeps getting much harder to the point where I don't see the point in trying to go for anything that I want because I'm so focussed on keeping my head above water in this capitalistic hellscape. Like, unless I'm making a shit ton of money, I'm not going to own my own place, travel around the way I want to, have a family, etc. I have every healthy coping mechanism and I utilize them but I often find myself thinking that I'm not depressed rather that the world is just depressing. I'm not the problem in this equation because I know that I'm doing everything in my power to feel better but I still feel like trash. I don't think I can pull myself up from my bootstraps when it comes to my mental health as it is a rational response to the systemic issues that we are facing. I have been exhausted with fighting, discussing, and keeping myself informed for a very long time now. I can't see things getting better but I can see myself getting more and more numb  and unreactive over time to how bad things are. While I do know that I better world is possible and I support policies that will get us there, I can't imagine anything being implemented. I don't have much of a fight left in me.

But yeah, those are a handful of things but I'm sure there is more. I'm just going to stop here since I feel like this post is long enough. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Bump

[Salvijus]

U should condense your problem into one sentence. Then the answer becomes clear by itself very easily.

[Raptorsin7]

@soos_mite_ah Maybe you could look into methods/techniques to change some of these beliefs.

19 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I don't see myself as being worth much

 

19 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I feel like I'm asking for too much to want a guy that I'm attracted to since I myself am not particularly attractive.  

 

19 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I can't see things getting better but I can see myself getting more and more numb  and unreactive over time to how bad things are.

These are all beliefs you have about the world and yourself. None of these are absolutely true, you're just stuck with your current perspective and everything you see is reinforcing your current view.

It could be worth looking into resources about how to alter your perception and beliefs. If what you wrote was absolutely true about reality then yeah I would agree you're fucked, but almost everything you wrote is subjective, and someone could see the exact opposite reality to what you're seeing.

For example, I used to think I was ugly and attractive too, but I changed that belief and perception and my reality completely changed. I would have bet my life I was ugly and attractive when I was 19, but now I don't believe or see that in my experience.

Edited July 7, 2022 by Raptorsin7

[Yarco]

 

20 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

it's sometimes difficult to picture what I might want in life or feel like I can go after it because I'm preoccupied with my needs. On top of that, I feel like I'm often in the position to make the most out of the bare minimum and to avoid my emotions if something is dissatisfying.

Even as I'm writing this out, I feel priviledged and entitled for asking for something more than the necessities. 

I just find myself settling in a lot of areas in my life. Not to the point where I'm getting taken advantage of but to the point where I don't think I'll be happy or fulfilled.

I feel like this all seems to come back to a distorted sense of self-worth, combined with an avoidant personality. You'd rather just take the leftover scraps and avoid rocking the boat, because deep down that feels like all you're worthy of.

20 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I feel like I'm asking for too much when I say I want meaningful work engaging with people that I like.

find something that is bareable and pays well rather than something you're passionate about but isn't financially sustainable.

Setting the bar too low because you feel like that's all you're worth

Quote

I don't have enough self esteem to advocate for myself to get paid what I'm worth because quite frankly, I don't see myself as being worth much.

You are getting paid exactly what you think you're worth . Notice how you're sabotaging yourself here and created an interesting paradox. You have this idea in your head of how much you "should be" worth vs what you "actually" think you're worth.

If you truly thought you were worth $200k/year, it wouldn't take self esteem to ask for it. You'd be OFFENDED that you aren't getting paid it, and walk out confident that someone else in the world would see that much value in what you have to offer.

If you had a friend exactly like you and you were a more impartial observer, how much do you think they'd be worth?

20 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Sure I don't *need* to live in a city that is near my work and that is walkable and all I need is some form of shelter that is safe and doesn't have bugs. But I have been called unrealistic for having this desire in the first place because it's expensive and unreasonable in the long run.  

Okay now we're getting to the root of something. Who are the people in your life that are telling you that you're being unrealistic for having standards?

20 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Finding someone who meets my standards AND my wants AND actually likes me back feels impossible since I'm pretty average in terms of personality, looks, etc. I feel like I'm asking for too much to want a guy that I'm attracted to since I myself am not particularly attractive.  

2 options:

- Genuinely learn to love and value yourself and believe you're above-average in those categories
or
- Work on improving your personality and looks until you're actually above-average

If you wouldn't want an average guy but you're average yourself, why should an above-average guy settle for you?

20 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Like, unless I'm making a shit ton of money, I'm not going to own my own place, travel around the way I want to, have a family, etc.

If it's just a vague idea in your head, it's a lot more overwhelming.

Try nailing down exactly how much money you'd need to have a fulfilling life.

A $600,000 house... then work backwards and see what the mortgage payments would be and what salary you'd need to afford it. With enough left over to buy the car and all the other stuff you want, send a kid to college, save for retirement, plus $10k for travel each year.

To have everything you want and be happy is probably less than you'd think. If you find your above-average guy and you each make $60k/year so you have a household income of $120k/year you can buy pretty much whatever you want within reason.

20 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I don't think I can pull myself up from my bootstraps when it comes to my mental health as it is a rational response to the systemic issues that we are facing. I have been exhausted with fighting, discussing, and keeping myself informed for a very long time now. I can't see things getting better but I can see myself getting more and more numb  and unreactive over time to how bad things are. While I do know that I better world is possible and I support policies that will get us there, I can't imagine anything being implemented. I don't have much of a fight left in me.

IMO this is just a symptom of being a sane person in an insane world, and any intelligent person will fall into it.

It can help to realize how little the macro-political stuff actually affects your life. Example -- if you left the country for a year and came back, and you didn't follow any news or current events during that entire time... would it really have felt like you missed anything when you got back? Or is politics just needlessly making you angry without adding anything positive or useful to your life? In which case you can just stop reading the news and getting upset about it. If anything REALLY important happens I guarantee you'll hear about it second-hand through coworkers, pop culture, etc.

Edited July 7, 2022 by Yarco

[gettoefl]

love yourself so hard, and to the exclusion of all else, that existence can't help but drop all the benefits at your feet

look inside at the inimitable masterpiece you are for a couple of years and and all the outer things will be given unto you

the world delivers to you exactly what you think you are worth but to change that entails massive commitment and dedication

put in 1k hours of meditation and see if you plagued with self doubt