How to overcome fear of confrontation?

[Anirban657]

I think this is it. This is the root cause of my social anxiety.

I was bullied as a child and my mother brought me up till age 8 and then my father came into my life actively. But in childhood, I was bullied and I have no one who told me to face those bullies. I just came home, and complained to my mom who complained to the teacher at school and the teacher took care of the bully. 

But the fear of confrontation still lives in me. It's costing me my education, my career, my love life,etc. 

I live in a 3rd world country called India where people are not pleasant. I have to face rude people and this really gets me anxious. 

If I can confront people and stand up for myself I don't have to manipulate them, I don't have to lie to myself, I don't have to be indirect. 

I just want to be brave and face those rude powerful people.

When I force myself to overcome the fear, my mind comes up with excuses like "You can change to another college", "You can get another job", "You can try to get another girlfriend", and when I arrive at the next college and nothing has really changed, I think I was so stupid. The problem is not the world. I am the problem.

How can I overcome this fear of confrontation?

 

[Leo Gura]

All fear is overcome by facing it. Face the thing you fear to realize that it's not so bad.

[Anirban657]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

All fear is overcome by facing it. Face the thing you fear to realize that it's not so bad.

@Leo GuraI am taking baby steps towards facing my fear. Recently I was having problems calling the college for some inquiry, so instead of calling them I emailed them. I got a reply. But things like going to the market to buy vegetables alone. There are street dogs in the street and I am scared. So I am going for walks to the market with my sister. The psychotherapist I am seeing now is guiding me with exposing myself slowly to the fear. 
 

12 hours ago, JoeVolcano said:

When you get confronted with rude people that trigger your social anxiety, that anxiety envelops you in a stiffling cloud of contracted emotional energy. Isn't that right?

When you have some time to yourself, you can trigger this same emotion by replaying or imagining such scenarios in your mind, even exaggerating them if you want to go all the way with it.

When you do this in a safe space where nothing will disturb you and you know nothing bad can happen, you can light up this emotion and practice feeling it in or around your body. Turning your attention toward it instead of away from it.

What gets triggered is pent up emotional energy that wants to be released. And that is how you release it. It can take some time, practice, and perhaps several sessions, and it may not be pleasant, but sooner or later you will have processed through a particular anxiety.

You'll know this has happened when you can no longer trigger it, and you don't even really know anymore what made those scenarios in your mind so bad. The whole gestalt falls apart. All the charge will have been taken out of it, permanently.

So the short answer for how to deal with any kind of emotion, is by lighting it up, and turning toward the feeling in your body, instead of away from it.

Cheers

Thanks! I understand what you are trying to say. I read about a similar technique in Psycho-cybernetics. I will apply it. 
 

43 minutes ago, Mormegil said:

Very sorry to hear that. The key is to do little baby steps with the confrontation. You don't need to achieve some sort of moral victory against the next bully right away.

Maybe one small sentence at first like "I don't like how you treat me." or something like this. Or if talking is still too much, maybe just walk away next time someone is rude to you to express your discontent in that way and see how it makes you feel.

Outside of these situations you can work on building more self-esteem and self-worth. Excersize, meditate, be kind and loving to yourself. Overtime you will slowly get the courage to  call people out if they disrespect you, simply because you have enough respect for yourself.

All the best!

Thanks! Very interesting! I am moving forward with baby steps. I guess I will have to face the fear and start saying “I don’t like how you treat me” more often.

[Arthogaan]

Imagine the version of yourself in some alternate world that does not care AT ALL about what other people say/think. Imagine it for 3 minutes. Then believe you are that version. Fake it till you make it. 

More on that by Ben:

 

[Leo Gura]

On 7/5/2022 at 2:24 AM, Anirban657 said:

I am taking baby steps towards facing my fear. Recently I was having problems calling the college for some inquiry, so instead of calling them I emailed them. I got a reply. But things like going to the market to buy vegetables alone. There are street dogs in the street and I am scared. So I am going for walks to the market with my sister. The psychotherapist I am seeing now is guiding me with exposing myself slowly to the fear. 

Very good. Keep at it.

[Ulax]

On 05/07/2022 at 8:10 AM, Leo Gura said:

All fear is overcome by facing it. Face the thing you fear to realize that it's not so bad.

I do have a different perspective. Some things are retraumatising.

I think facing your fears is useful for some things. However, to my mind, a modern trauma therapy would also be very important

[eTorro]

On 7/5/2022 at 3:12 PM, Arthogaan said:

Imagine the version of yourself in some alternate world that does not care AT ALL about what other people say/think. Imagine it for 3 minutes. Then believe you are that version. Fake it till you make it. 

Thank you! I love the video dude.

Such an illuminating perspective.

Damn!