Resistance to Relationships

[Average Investor]

I was in a bit of an abusive relationship about 4 years ago. Since then I have not dated again. I've definitely changed and grown quite a bit since then. I get some opportunities here and there for taking women out and I never do. I am pretty good at attracting them and talking with them, but I never ask them on a date. I get situations that I could take them on a date easily. For example, I basically stared into a girls eyes for like 3 minutes yesterday with smiling etcs and she reciprocated. She is pretty, but she seemed maybe a bit younger than I would like, but I don't really know her age. So in my mind I just justified not asking her out because she is likely too young and maybe that is the case (still a legal age). I am definitely attracted to her and by her response, she would very likely want to go. 

I feel like my mind will start coming up with all of these other reasons not to go. I fear that, I might date them and hurt their feelings. The thought that I might be missing out ton opportunities to move and travel. That and maybe missing opportunities to advance my career and business. That and maybe more subtle is just finding a low quality partner again. I do wonder about their level of development as well. I usually just assume any girl I meet doesn't do any sort of self-help and isn't serious about their life. 

I do feel a bit bad by attracting them. The girl in the example did start with the staring, but I have done that a lot in the past. I will attract a girl and not do anything with it. Some of them might even see me every week after the fact. I have been working on not giving them eye contact and other signs though. I would feel bad if I had sex with them and did not date them after the fact too. I am working on filter them out more, so it happens less too.

I don't actively do anything to meet women at the moment, but meet these women at stores and other places I need to go. I am also working on my life purpose and have other focuses in my life. 

I suppose one other limiting thing is just living with my mom, but even that isn't really stopping me. I don't mind getting a hotel etc. However, I can use that to justify not doing anything too. I am actively working on fixing that right now too. My life purpose is going to generate enough income to travel more and live elsewhere soon. 

What could I work on to heal some of these issues? I feel indecisive with my situation regarding this. 

[Raptorsin7]

I have a very similar issue. There are woman at my work who I find attractive, but I have a million reasons not to pursue them. 

I remember when I used to listen to Dr Drew on loveline one thing he would say is people who are addicts need to form relationships with someone who is secure, and that's a path to healing.

I've been thinking of finding someone who I can live with, or maybe who could live with me for a month or something to just see how healthy people live.

Maybe you can find someone who has a healthy relationship with other people and it will rub off on you 

[bejapuskas]

Maybe this is like something different than you are expecting, but I also was in an abusive relationship that I left and experienced some resistance. I then started a queerplatonic relationship with a friend who is aromantic asexual. It is something between friendship and romance, like we define what we wanna do, what we are comfortable with, and we are also open, so we can do anything else we want. For example, we cuddle platonically before sleep but we dont have sex as we both dont feel like having sex. This can be really different on case to čase basis.

In summary, I realized there were certain things I wasnt ready for in a romantic/sexual relationship, I dont mean to fetishize aromantic asexual people here, but my friend really showed me how one can question their expectations in a relationship and uncovered a lot of limiting beliefs that got me into the abusive relationship in the first place. Just to be clear, I dont understand this relationship as some healing service or rebound service, I am just saying that like it was helpful for me in a similar situation to try something new and question what I already knew. 

(The limiting beliefs I meant were centered around consenting to sex I didnt feel as ok with as I should have, assuming I would enjoy it because of internalized inceldom. But that can obviously be different in you. The good thing is now I am trying like a full relationship without that one thing without feeling limited or uncomfortable. Hope this makes sense.)

[Average Investor]

@Raptorsin7 That makes sense. I believe a fair amount of this just stems from not receiving enough love as a child. My ex-partners abuse was similar to the kind of abuse from my parents as well. 

I don't believe that I would tolerate abuse anymore. However, my ex nearly destroyed my life. So to a degree, I am much more aware of these things.

I am considering asking this girl that I mentioned here just to see what happens. I notice myself bouncing back between excitement and fear. I do kind of think she might be a little younger, than I would like, but I have no idea. 

 

Edited July 5, 2022 by Average Investor

[Average Investor]

18 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Maybe this is like something different than you are expecting, but I also was in an abusive relationship that I left and experienced some resistance. I then started a queerplatonic relationship with a friend who is aromantic asexual. It is something between friendship and romance, like we define what we wanna do, what we are comfortable with, and we are also open, so we can do anything else we want. For example, we cuddle platonically before sleep but we dont have sex as we both dont feel like having sex. This can be really different on case to čase basis.

In summary, I realized there were certain things I wasnt ready for in a romantic/sexual relationship, I dont mean to fetishize aromantic asexual people here, but my friend really showed me how one can question their expectations in a relationship and uncovered a lot of limiting beliefs that got me into the abusive relationship in the first place. Just to be clear, I dont understand this relationship as some healing service or rebound service, I am just saying that like it was helpful for me in a similar situation to try something new and question what I already knew. 

(The limiting beliefs I meant were centered around consenting to sex I didnt feel as ok with as I should have, assuming I would enjoy it because of internalized inceldom. But that can obviously be different in you. The good thing is now I am trying like a full relationship without that one thing without feeling limited or uncomfortable. Hope this makes sense.)

I can see how that could be healing for that. For myself, it's uncommon to get hugs from family members. Approval and validation aren't very common either. I didn't speak to my father for about 7-8 years until more recently. I am not sure exactly what I can pinpoint as what needs healing from that. However, I am sure this has something to do with my distrust and disinterest in a relationship. 

I have been doing my own thing though too, so it isn't like I have been upset by being single for these last several years. It has just been a pattern that I have noticed in myself. I would not consider it difficult to find a girlfriend for myself. However, I think more options would be better. 

 

[Yarco]

The fear of ending up in another abusive relationship is obviously a big part of it.

Another part might be feeling guilty if you ever need to let your partners down...

Maybe this is just me projecting my own past stuff. I've stayed in relationships for way longer than I should have when I was unhappy, just for fear of letting the other person down. Especially with a long-term partner you live with. I worried how they'd find somewhere else to live on such short notice, if they could financially do it on their own, and a bunch of other stuff that I felt responsible for. Like I was ruining their life by breaking up with them. If this applies to you, then you probably would feel worse to dump someone than to be the one broken up with.

Do you feel like you don't want to date people because you can't fully commit, and you don't want to let them down?

As long as you're clear upfront what your situation is and what you're looking for, I think most people think it's fine. You don't have to promise every woman that you date that you'll consider marriage or kids with them. Just be upfront that you might need to move or travel... in woman's terms, just tell them you're "still trying to find yourself" . Or the cliché "not looking for anything serious"

Allow yourself to date someone on a trial basis and reject them if it's not working out. As long as you communicate so it isn't completely unexpected when it happens (or you aren't dating someone mentally unstable that will freak out regardless ) then it shouldn't be a huge deal. Accept that you might make some woman cry when you inevitably break up with her, but the time you spent with her and just having a chance with you will be worth the heartache.

 

Work on it by allowing yourself to be a heartbreaker and "lead women on" and pursue short-term relationships (without being a dick.)

Or I could be way off here like I said...

[bejapuskas]

@Average Investor  On a different note, I know you are a nice compassionate guy trying to be helpful, which could then lead to what youre saying, feeling bad for not dating them after. But maybe thats not what youre into. I believe you can be a bad boy ethically, by being very clear. (Leo mentioned in his last video how clarity is an important value, connects to integrity etc, I see how it applies here)

Actually, I myself dug myself into a hole dating somebody and trying "not to play them" after sleeping with them, which just meant not being able to say no and leave. 

I guess you are already preventing this issue by just not going into that, which is great, but you could still get what you want by being very open about wanting one time things.

Is there maybe something in your family about like unclear communicstion, not saying what you want/need clearly, being gaslighted into putting others first all the time and as a result not achieving what you want? Or perhaps just not being able to say no?

[Average Investor]

@bejapuskas I think you are right in regards to what I can do. There is really no other way around me figuring out what I want without actually doing any dates, or having some sex. I had multiple times I wanted to leave my ex, but did not. I think I need to act faster in the future and filter them out better. 

23 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Is there maybe something in your family about like unclear communicstion, not saying what you want/need clearly, being gaslighted into putting others first all the time and as a result not achieving what you want? Or perhaps just not being able to say no?

Pretty much all of that. My ex was really on the gaslighting as well. She would push lies to others, then make it seem like I was the liar. 

[Average Investor]

23 hours ago, Yarco said:

The fear of ending up in another abusive relationship is obviously a big part of it.

I think so too. 

23 hours ago, Yarco said:

Maybe this is just me projecting my own past stuff. I've stayed in relationships for way longer than I should have when I was unhappy, just for fear of letting the other person down. Especially with a long-term partner you live with. I worried how they'd find somewhere else to live on such short notice, if they could financially do it on their own, and a bunch of other stuff that I felt responsible for. Like I was ruining their life by breaking up with them. If this applies to you, then you probably would feel worse to dump someone than to be the one broken up with.

I am quite similar in the regard. My ex was literally on her knees crying and begging me to stay. I have had a similar thing with another ex as well, but not as dramatic. 

23 hours ago, Yarco said:

Do you feel like you don't want to date people because you can't fully commit, and you don't want to let them down?

Pretty much. I want to be able to explore a lot. I am considering trying out more girls rather than a few. I have only had a handful of girlfriends, but they were mostly long term. 

23 hours ago, Yarco said:

As long as you're clear upfront what your situation is and what you're looking for, I think most people think it's fine. You don't have to promise every woman that you date that you'll consider marriage or kids with them. Just be upfront that you might need to move or travel... in woman's terms, just tell them you're "still trying to find yourself" . Or the cliché "not looking for anything serious"

Allow yourself to date someone on a trial basis and reject them if it's not working out. As long as you communicate so it isn't completely unexpected when it happens (or you aren't dating someone mentally unstable that will freak out regardless ) then it shouldn't be a huge deal. Accept that you might make some woman cry when you inevitably break up with her, but the time you spent with her and just having a chance with you will be worth the heartache.

 

Work on it by allowing yourself to be a heartbreaker and "lead women on" and pursue short-term relationships (without being a dick.)

I will work on being more clear about that. I think about part is just being clear with myself that I want to be able to do that. I don't want to get suckered into some crappy relationship. 

In the past I have been unable to do this, but I suppose I need to be a bit more ruthless. Of course without pushing that too far and hurting them. 

[bejapuskas]

@Average Investor I am sorry you went through that. Estabilishing good expectations and boundaries is crucial here. 

Slavoj Žižek said this well, wisdom is bullshit. On one side, you have "theres no such thing as a perfect person" and on the other side theres "listen to what you want". Both can be wisdom but can also be wrong in different situations. (Such as when you are stuck with someone or when you are addicted to drugs and you just wanna take them.)

I think you pretty much realized it, you gotta act faster. My parents told me this thing "if you dont forgive, its only you who is hurting", which was helpful to me at one point, because I was stuck in the past blaming certain people. But it can really be self destructive to keep forgiving.

[Average Investor]

On 7/7/2022 at 4:34 AM, bejapuskas said:

I am sorry you went through that.

Thank you. I would not consider myself one to dwell much on it, but I think the information is important to think about moving forward. I have been working on forgiveness for a few years with family members. I don't have any sour feelings for the ex, but more so am cautious because of it. 

I find it difficult to turn away once, I go a bit too deep with women. So I will defiantly keep practicing. 

I am still working on going on dates. I have had much more opportunities lately. I am going to do more work on my values and what I actually want though too. 

[bejapuskas]

@Average Investor Just something I observed in myself is that like sometimes being too agreeable in relation to knowing what you want means that like you intuitively know what you want but you either dont trust it, or you dont believe it because theres some judgement about yourself instilled in your mind, or maybe youre fully aware of it but you dont follow through because maybe you think you dont deserve it or how you said, maybe you think you moved too far. But moving too far I think can be prevented by realizing this. Good luck bro.

[Razard86]

On 7/5/2022 at 2:14 PM, Yarco said:

The fear of ending up in another abusive relationship is obviously a big part of it.

Another part might be feeling guilty if you ever need to let your partners down...

Maybe this is just me projecting my own past stuff. I've stayed in relationships for way longer than I should have when I was unhappy, just for fear of letting the other person down. Especially with a long-term partner you live with. I worried how they'd find somewhere else to live on such short notice, if they could financially do it on their own, and a bunch of other stuff that I felt responsible for. Like I was ruining their life by breaking up with them. If this applies to you, then you probably would feel worse to dump someone than to be the one broken up with.

Do you feel like you don't want to date people because you can't fully commit, and you don't want to let them down?

As long as you're clear upfront what your situation is and what you're looking for, I think most people think it's fine. You don't have to promise every woman that you date that you'll consider marriage or kids with them. Just be upfront that you might need to move or travel... in woman's terms, just tell them you're "still trying to find yourself" . Or the cliché "not looking for anything serious"

Allow yourself to date someone on a trial basis and reject them if it's not working out. As long as you communicate so it isn't completely unexpected when it happens (or you aren't dating someone mentally unstable that will freak out regardless ) then it shouldn't be a huge deal. Accept that you might make some woman cry when you inevitably break up with her, but the time you spent with her and just having a chance with you will be worth the heartache.

 

Work on it by allowing yourself to be a heartbreaker and "lead women on" and pursue short-term relationships (without being a dick.)

Or I could be way off here like I said...

I agree with everything you said here. Men are trained or conditioned to see everything as their responsibility. So as a result they take on way too much, this is slowly changing with the Gender/Sex Debate currently going on right now so a lot of things are going to change fast (and be confusing for a lot of people) but definitely if he is up front and direct on what his intentions are then he is not responsible for how the girl takes it. I've seen men tell a woman his intentions, but she tells herself he is just shy. When later on he leaves she accuses him of leading her on when he told her several times that he wasn't looking for anything serious and didn't want to be exclusive.

A man who thinks he is responsible for making her happy would try to appease her, when in reality her tears are her own creation. All we can do in life is communicate the best way we can, and how people take or interpret said communication is their own problem. We can help and guide others and be there for those who can't do for themselves (kids, disabilities etc) but we also need to care for ourselves.

Its okay for a Man to care about himself, its this message not being spread enough which is why so many men are depressed and keep killing themselves.

[flowboy]

On 04/07/2022 at 4:26 AM, Average Investor said:

I feel like my mind will start coming up with all of these other reasons not to go. I fear that, I might date them and hurt their feelings. The thought that I might be missing out ton opportunities to move and travel. That and maybe missing opportunities to advance my career and business. That and maybe more subtle is just finding a low quality partner again. I do wonder about their level of development as well. I usually just assume any girl I meet doesn't do any sort of self-help and isn't serious about their life. 

I do feel a bit bad by attracting them. The girl in the example did start with the staring, but I have done that a lot in the past. I will attract a girl and not do anything with it. Some of them might even see me every week after the fact. I have been working on not giving them eye contact and other signs though. I would feel bad if I had sex with them and did not date them after the fact too. I am working on filter them out more, so it happens less too.

@Average Investor All these thoughts can be grouped into "overthinking" - it's not that their content is not interesting, but they usually don't reflect the deeper reasons for your action or inaction.

It goes like this:

1. I feel something (attraction)
2. Something blocks me from my natural expression of that attraction energy (talking to her)
3. The energy of the attraction has to go somewhere - and so it goes into the mind and disperses into a web of thoughts (what was quoted above)

I would say that for you it's crucial to find out what the blockage is in step 2 - what really stops you from following an attraction by expression without even thinking about it.

You can't do this by thinking, you can only do this by feeling.

This is what I'd do with a client in a session as a first step.

Feel into that moment where you stop yourself.

What is that feeling?

Where have you felt that before?

And before that?

This really needs to be done from a meditative, relaxed state, again not thinking just feeling.

You can ask it some questions and see what comes up (see my guided video)