Boundary issue with therapist - overraction?

[Seed]

I have been seeing my therapist for two years now and we now have a very solid, secure relationship which has taken a lot of money, time emotion to build.

She is also an energy worker and does 'clearing' sessions' for those that have absorbed negative energy from the enviroment to rebalance chakras.

During my therapy I have gone into explicit detail about a close friend of mine and issues between us, this friend evokes a lot of trauma from my childhood so has mean a main feature in helping me tap into root causes of my distress.

This friend of mine had been going through a hard time so I recommended Annie (my therapist) to do a clearing for her, which she did. I am now surprised that they are having a proper session together on self care (not therapy) but still a 1:1 dynamic and communication.

I feel very uncomfortable with it. The clearing didnt involve any interaction and is purely as distance thing, which is why I was happy to share her details. But I am quite put out that they have set up their own session, which will be an hour over Zoom. It may just be a one off, but I havent been given any details or approached as to whether I am comfortable for them to work together in that capacity.

Now, I totally trust both of them but my issue is I feel that going forward I wont be able to discuss the details of my freind and feelings towrds her now I know that my therapist knows who she  is! It feels unethical to me.

I have sent a voicemail to my therapist explaining how I feel - to which she replied 'It is a teaching session!'

I then further explained that i knew this but my concern was feeling uncomfortable about sharing anything going forwards, to do with them knowing eachother and it feeling wrong.

She then said ' I can see your trust issue has been evoked, a good place to start the next session from'

I feel she has been very dismissive. I also know this is nothing to do with trust and I have told her that. It is to do with my personal boundaries and who and what I am comfortable sharing explicit information and feelings to. Them working together has now affected this. By the time I see her for next session, it will have already happened. And obviously I can't stop them. But I do feel quite disrespected (not by my friend) but by therapist and am seriously considering not going  back as this isn't the first time that boundaries haven't been properly considered. 

Any words of wisdom?

Am I overreacting?

Thank you!!!!

[puporing]

Sounds a bit unethical to me, should respect your boundaries for it, and you said it isn't the first time so that's huge red flags to me. Doesn't matter whether it's "proper" or not if you don't feel it is (and it is totally reasonable to not have this "conflict of interest" kind of set up), and how you feel matters a lot in that situation/relationship, you're paying them. Like yeah I wouldn't want my therapist to also be seeing say one of my parents lol.

I would honestly try to wrap things up and move on.. lot of therapists are mainly driven by money and getting more clients.

Edited July 3, 2022 by puporing

[TurquoiseAngel]

I would end the agreement and get another therapist. Specifically one that focus on proven methodologies and doesn't mix psychology with energy healing, chakras etc...(but that is just me)...

[Ulax]

I don't see your therapist as overstepping your boundaries. I don't see why the therapist ought to consult you before working with them, unless there was some prior agreement regarding that.

That said, I don't particularly like the way your therapist responded to your communications. I also find her response dismissive, as well as condescending. Particularly, the communication about the trust issue. It does prompt me to wonder whether such responses are indicative of an unskilled therapist.

Whatever decision you make, you have my support and well wishing, OP.

 

Edited July 3, 2022 by Ulax

[Leo Gura]

How did she get your friend's contact info?

Generally speaking I find people who are "energy workers" to be very suspect. They tend to do a lot of projecting their New Age stuff onto you. They are tend to be incapable of truly listening to you because they are lost in their own New Age dream and they will suck you into their dream if you let them.

Is she even a proper licensed therapist?

[Nilsi]

The biggest problem with therapists is that they have no incentive to actually "heal" you as that would lose them work and income, especially with alternative healers who are usually not getting their door run in by clients. Its the same with NGOs. If they actually did the thing they are supposed to do they would obsolete themselves. Im not saying they are consciously sabotaging the process but its just not a good setup at all. There is definitely benefits to working with one person and establishing a trustful and intimate relationship but I would honsetly set a limit of 10 sessions or something like that from the beginning, otherwise this will just create mutual dependence. In my experience there is also great benefit in working on trauma from different angles and paradigms instead of just sticking to one pet therapy, so you could just use the situation to try something new.

[Grateful Dead]

Yeah I think you're overreacting, doesn't sound like a big deal to me. As your therapist said, this situation is a good thing for you to work on.

[Seed]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

How did she get your friend's contact info?

Generally speaking I find people who are "energy workers" to be very suspect. They tend to do a lot of projecting their New Age stuff onto you. They are tend to be incapable of truly listening to you because they are lost in their own New Age dream and they will suck you into their dream if you let them.

Is she even a proper licensed therapist?

I gave my friend her details so that she could do the clearing, not realising that she would then go on to set up a 'teaching' session on protecting energy with my friend. And this friend is someone I have discussed in great length with my therapist over our period of work together.

She is a retired therapist who now only does a small amount of work because she enjoys it and is very selective over her clients. 

She was actually recommended to me through another therapist, I wnt to her for enegry work originally to which we hit it off with a great rapport, she then offered her pyschotheraputic services to me, to which I thought long and hard over and then went for it, and here I am two years later.

In all honesty, as blurry as she can be with the boundaries and distracting with the new age stuff. I have seen a fair few therapists who are by the book, but terrible at the work. And Annie(my therapist) and I do have a great relationship together and have got though some heavy material that no other therapist has been able to tap into. And because of this I have a lot of respect and turn a blind eye to some of her slughtly unconventional ways. 

She is creative and engaging and she understands me like nobody else. This why I am hesistant to let go of her. It's taken a good 18 months of investment and commitment before I was even able to be emotional around her, and she has been consistent and dedicated. I know I am a very tricky client as I resist all inteventions to the nth degree. And very cynical. 

A tricky one..... 

 

 

 

[Leo Gura]

@Seed Then just start by communicating with her deeper. Tell her what you told us in this thread. Not via a message but face to face.

No relationship is perfect. People make mistakes and the point of communication is to talk it out.

[LSD-Rumi]

5 hours ago, Seed said:

I gave my friend her details so that she could do the clearing, not realising that she would then go on to set up a 'teaching' session on protecting energy with my friend. And this friend is someone I have discussed in great length with my therapist over our period of work together

You should have expected that to happen. This is the problem with genorisity, sometimes it come back and bites you in the ass. 

@Seed I think you should communicate your concern to her in a better and more serious way, and if she keeps dismissing you , give her the ultimatum, Tell her you choose either me or her ( spoilers alert, she will choose you most likely)

[puporing]

Also watch out for the therapist attempting to make you feel sick longer when you're just having a pretty normal proper reaction (like saying "working on trust issues" in this case when clearly she's the one violating that trust). This is a dynamic to keep you going as well even though you may no longer need as much therapy (knowing this takes some self awareness). It can be pretty sneaky. I find especially the "good ones" can sneak this in there when you have an issue with something they're doing. They have alot of power because of how vulnerable you are with them and can easily take advantage of their authority. 

The more considerate thing for her to do would've been to at least ask you if you would be okay with them talking. 

Don't be too surprised if one of your therapists by the end of it you come to the realization.."just who was I talking with there?". It doesn't matter even if they're licensed. A good actor can act good for an hour for $150-$200 an hour. It tends to be that the more conscious ones charge less.

I generally advise people to use therapy as a peripheral not a primary. The primary healing is in your hands and once you take that authority and responsibility it'll be a lot easier to part ways. It can still be very hard but ultimately the therapy is not a sustainable long term solution.

And... we don't know your therapist, I just share bit of my experience to soften the blow if it does happen to you. Trust your gut feelings on it. All the best with it. 

Edited July 4, 2022 by puporing

[Seed]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Seed Then just start by communicating with her deeper. Tell her what you told us in this thread. Not via a message but face to face.

No relationship is perfect. People make mistakes and the point of communication is to talk it out.

Yes I would say this is best. I just needed to vent first and check my reaction Is appropriate as I so often doubt myself .

Thank you ? 

[Seed]

3 hours ago, LSD-Rumi said:

You should have expected that to happen. This is the problem with genorisity, sometimes it come back and bites you in the ass. 

@Seed I think you should communicate your concern to her in a better and more serious way, and if she keeps dismissing you , give her the ultimatum, Tell her you choose either me or her ( spoilers alert, she will choose you most likely)

@puporing thank you for the heads up

[Loving Radiance]

On 3.7.2022 at 5:25 PM, Seed said:

Now, I totally trust both of them but my issue is I feel that going forward I wont be able to discuss the details of my freind and feelings towrds her now I know that my therapist knows who she  is! It feels unethical to me.

Please explore that "unethical" thing a bit more. How do you feel it is unethical when you tell her stuff about your friend?

Do you imagine that her image and behavior towards her will change? Or do you imagine that it's like gossiping, now that she also will know your friend? Or is it something else?

On 3.7.2022 at 5:25 PM, Seed said:

I havent been given any details or approached as to whether I am comfortable for them to work together in that capacity.

Yes, you didn't state your boundaries. Now you did that in your voicemail, about the 1:1 dynamic and communication.

On another hand, how do you feel about not having communicated your boundaries? What emotions did arise when you heard that they would talk to each other? Please write that down before continuing to read.

Do you feel violated in your boundaries, and do you want to make her be responsible for that?

Do you put that violation on your therapist for overstepping your not-communicated boundaries?

On 3.7.2022 at 5:25 PM, Seed said:

I have sent a voicemail to my therapist explaining how I feel - to which she replied 'It is a teaching session!'

Did you communicate in that message that your boundary is them speaking 1:1 (no matter if teacher-student communication)? If not, then Annie is justifying and defending herself.

[puporing]

@Loving Radiance Problem with that line of thinking is that this is her "therapist" not some friend. A good healthy/productive therapy relationship is not to be treated lightly because you share a lot of information that you might not just share with anyone. 

A professional should simply know better in this case when she hears that voicemail. And her response being that dismissive is not okay for someone getting paid to do this work.

It's a very obvious conflict of interest case. And a professional would try to refrain from that kind of thing. Like maybe even going as far as shooting OP's idea of suggesting to "help her friend" down in the first place, being able to forsee problems with that ahead of time, for the sake of creating a safe space for OP. This speaks to either lack of experience/training or ethics.

It's all good in the end really... Helps people see the potential limitations of therapy.

Edited July 4, 2022 by puporing

[Loving Radiance]

1 hour ago, puporing said:

This speaks to either lack of experience/training

True, I can see this too.

[Holymoly]

My therapist likes working with peoples families/ friends. A very skilled therapist can definitely make the most of this situation, but therapists with that level of skill are rare and it's important that you tell her that you feel she is being dismissive. 

[flowboy]

On 04/07/2022 at 10:33 AM, Seed said:

It's taken a good 18 months of investment and commitment before I was even able to be emotional around her

What the hell, that should only take a couple sessions.

It's pretty strange that you are attributing this to you being a "tricky client" - it should just come down to her skill and you shouldn't be made to feel that your slow progress is your fault, provided you are showing up and doing the work.

On 03/07/2022 at 5:25 PM, Seed said:

I also know this is nothing to do with trust and I have told her that. It is to do with my personal boundaries and who and what I am comfortable sharing explicit information and feelings to. Them working together has now affected this. By the time I see her for next session, it will have already happened. And obviously I can't stop them. But I do feel quite disrespected (not by my friend) but by therapist and am seriously considering not going  back as this isn't the first time that boundaries haven't been properly considered. 

It does have to do with trust, in my opinion. If you would trust fully that she could keep it separate, and help your friend without sharing details about her sessions with you and vice versa, there would be no issue.

If your friend and you don't have conflicting goals (you're not fighting or competing) then one person could help you both without a conflict of interest.

See how simple that is?

But I suspect you don't trust that she can keep it separate and respect your privacy.

That could be about the therapist herself, the way she has shown up in a less than trustworthy way, or it could have nothing to do with her, and rather refer to a lack of respect for boundaries or privacy in your childhood. (Did your mother intrude, not let you lock your door, read your diary, expose your secrets, side with your friend, betray your trust in some way)

Actually, that's what my money is on. Since parental archetypes inevitably get projected onto therapists and coaches, that means that your imprint from them will play a part. My parents were pretty safe and respectful with my privacy, and I have been coached/therapized by the same guy that was also helping my friends. Never even thought of that being a problem, because my imprint was safe.

Edited July 6, 2022 by flowboy