No point in being alive if you aren't hot?

[Blackhawk]

So why should I be alive if I'm aren't hot?

My gf would try to accept that I'm not hot, and only like my personality, just because she fails to get "the whole package" (someone who is hot both inside and out).

So I would just be a half-assed thing for her because she can't get anything better.

Why would I be content with half-assed stuff? Can someone explain this to me? Why shouldn't I just kill myself?

My logic says that I should kill myself.

But fear of death and survival instinct will lead to various stuff like wishful thinking and denial of truth, which will prevent me from killing myself.

Edited July 2, 2022 by Blackhawk

[Roy]

Kind of a stupid ass thing to be worrying about. Everybody is helplessly born into the body they have, so it's not worth wasting energy feeling sorry for how you look, or judging/feeling envious of others for their bodies. You can still groom yourself and exercise/eat well to influence your physical "hotness" as well, so it's not completely out of your control. That's where your energy should go.

Why is being hot so important to you? Yeah it's nice, but it doesn't matter THAT much. There are plenty of hot people that are garbage human beings, so what does it matter how hot they are if you wouldn't want to spend time around them? See how easily the value you're putting in it breaks down?

[Blackhawk]

@Roy I kinda already explained why it's important.

It's important because it would be some "meh" "half-assed" stuff, because she can't get any better. And she would never be truly content with me, she would always desire something better, and probably one day she would find something better.

Edited July 2, 2022 by Blackhawk

[Roy]

6 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

It's important because it would be some "meh" "half-assed" stuff, because she can't get any better. And she would never be truly content with me, she would always desire something better, and probably one day she would find something better.

What about you though. Why wouldn't you feel those things too?

 

[Blackhawk]

Just now, Roy said:

What about you though. Why wouldn't you feel those things too?

If she wouldn't be hot?

Yes then I would feel those things too. But of course I wouldn't tell that to her, because she would leave me if I would.

[Roy]

3 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

If she wouldn't be hot?

Yes then I would feel those things too. But of course I wouldn't tell that to her, because she would leave me if I would.

You'd probably agree those thoughts are problematic. Focus on how to be in a place you can get rid of those thoughts, or they don't show up in the first place.

Most people in relationships aren't dwelling on how the relationship isn't perfect or how they could do better or worse. They are just enjoying it.

[Blackhawk]

2 minutes ago, Roy said:

You'd probably agree those thoughts are problematic. Focus on how to be in a place you can get rid of those thoughts, or they don't show up in the first place.

They are problematic from a survival perspective. Because they could lead to death. So several defense mechanisms gets activated to prevent that shit.

You seem to suggest that those thoughts should be swept under the rug, I understand, that's a pretty common defense mechanism to prevent one from death.

[Roy]

I think your problem is more fundamental than getting a girlfriend (whether they are hot or not). Forget the relationship/sex stuff for now and work on getting help for your mental health.

Don't put the cart before the horse, or you'll just waste a lot of time.

[Blackhawk]

8 minutes ago, JoeVolcano said:

Only if you think being physically wanted by someone else is the meaning of life.

Of course it's the meaning of life, at least for me.

The meaning of life is individual and subjective.

[A Fellow Lighter]

33 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

My gf would try to accept that I'm not hot, and only like my personality, just because she fails to get "the whole package" (someone who is hot both inside and out).

Is all this hypothetical? Or do you have really have a girlfriend who told you that?

35 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

So why should I be alive if I'm aren't hot?

Why be alive even if you are hot? Really, there's no logic to this other than the fact that you just want to be alive. 

 

[Loba]

At least you're healthy.  I don't care that I'm not hot, I wish I could have been just healthy and normal - there's no point in living if you're diseased and miserable.  Enjoy your health.  That's all that matters.

[Blackhawk]

4 hours ago, A Fellow Lighter said:

Is all this hypothetical? Or do you have really have a girlfriend who told you that?

Why be alive even if you are hot? Really, there's no logic to this other than the fact that you just want to be alive. 

I kinda have a gf who told me that.

If you are hot then you would of course be alive because you are desperately wanted by everyone of the opposite sex.

4 hours ago, JoeVolcano said:

And the beauty of that is you can find something that's suited to you.

 

Why doesn't your logic say to find a different meaning (if any)?

My logic says, if I'm not hot then that can't be the meaning of life for me. Square peg / round hole kinda thing.

Wanting to be an evolutionary fit specimen is just the default mode of animal life when you haven't really thought about yet. All the kids in school want to be popular. And then, if you're lucky, you grow up.

Cheers

My subjective meaning of life is that I must be loved and desired by girls/women in every single way, both inside and out. Do you have a problem with my personal meaning of life?

3 hours ago, Loba said:

At least you're healthy.  I don't care that I'm not hot, I wish I could have been just healthy and normal - there's no point in living if you're diseased and miserable.  Enjoy your health.  That's all that matters.

You don't need to be healthy at all.

All you need is to be desired by the opposite sex (or the same sex if you are gay or whatever).

And since you are a girl, you are automatically desired by almost all guys. So you are all good.

Edited July 3, 2022 by Blackhawk

[Loba]

@Blackhawk I'm asexual so I don't care about being desired, in fact, I tend not to like it very much.
I'd be okay with just being healthy, feeling comfortable in my body and not worrying about the day to day.

[Blackhawk]

@Loba Okay, that's different then. I'm sorry for you.

[Blackhawk]

48 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

@Blackhawk and why wouldn't you need to be healthy?

If I could choose between having arms and being unloved, and have no arms and be loved, I would choose the latter.

Edited July 3, 2022 by Blackhawk

[puporing]

@Blackhawk Desire can be this endless pit sometimes.. When you never had a gf or gone on a date, you wish you could just go on a date and hold someone's hand.. or have sex for the first time. But then you're not satisfied for having experienced all that once, twice.., now you want it to always be there. Why not simply love what arises as deeply as you can? And have the courage to let it go if it does decide to "leave you"... to love the fact that what this "other" wants is best for him/her/itself just like how you want to honor your life and your wishes and desires the same? It's ultimately the same coin, whether someone be with you or "leave" you, it's all for love.

[Eph75]

@Blackhawk

This isn't directly related to the OP. 

I know that you think these thoughts serve you well, in the sense that they verify the world as you experience it.

While the thoughts affirms what you "know", they don't serve you well from a transformational perspective.

They keep you firmly fixed in the world view that you currently have, that I think you do acknowledge as "dysfunctional". 

Not meaning that you are dysfunctional, but that the world around you is dysfunctional and essentially, as a results, treats you in an unfavorable way. 

This being confirmed by you thinking that you aren't attractive enough, and that people won't accept you for who you are, based on that, which you "know", by experience. 

Basically, there's no arguing with that, as it is, in your world, "true" and "confirmed" by yourself, yes? 

What if what you need, in deeper sense, isn't good looks, which you probably could control to some degree. Nor is it for others to change, which you certainly cannot control.

Have you ever contemplated that the way you relate, attach meaning to things and the resulting world view and view of yourself as well as the people in it, is the result of your way of relating? 

And that, if your focus is being switched from affirming that the outside world is "against you", your focus better serves you by being on your mindset.

I'm not saying that you should shift from thinking you're less attractive to being more attractive.

It's much more fundamental than that. 

- Positive thoughts vs negative ones

- actively looking for opportunities vs seeing obstacles everywhere

- Push for growth and movement vs entertaining a deep belief that what is, is fixed and can't be done anything about

I could easily say that this is the path forward, and we're you to walk this path, you would absolutely change as a human being.

You probably already feel the resistance against possibility of this being true or even remotely possible. And if it were, it would be others and that you are some kind of exception from the rule.

It's the right-hand side of those three mindset traits that is working away on you. 

Only by shifting how we see things, we can allow outselves to see and experience a different world, within what's already there, in our field of experience. 

Those mindset traits determines whether we see a beautiful, supporting world full of opportunities that are ripe to be picked, by you, where you feel powerful and in control of your choices - or - whether you see a world that is dark, grim, full of problems, let-downs and that is essentially "out to get you", where you is the victim of circumstances. 

It's only when, deliberately, you can recognize the unfavorable mindset traits that you hold, that you can shift to try to adopt, and transition into holding a more constructive mindset. 

This isn't rocket science, but it's by no means easy to achieve. Mostly because of the nature of our mindset itself, as it defines the dogma that keep us running in the same old ruts that got us stuck in the first place. But instead of trying something new, we struggle with the same tactics that got us there, and that we deep down already know, won't get us out of those ruts. Rather they make the ruts deeper, getting increasingly stuck, with the obstacles growing increasingly monumental. 

Could I suggest you a summer read to learn more about growth mindsets, and maybe you could deliberately entertain the idea of this crazy thing called "growth mindset" possibly being true, and something you could practice and adopt to successively change your world into something more positive? 

(It's not explicitly dealing with "hot girlfriends" , but that's the point, that need is just a symptom of things on a deeper level that needs attention) 

The book is Mindset by Carol Dweck, and it's also available on as audiobook if you don't care for reading.

See it as an investment in yourself, and try to approach it with an open mind. 

I'd also suggest that you re-read this post, slow down, and try reading it thinking about how positivity, opportunity and growth would interpret this post. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by Eph75

[ShardMare]

Seriously kill yourself just you arent hot? Cmon its not that deep

You have a higher chance of getting a gf, you would get more attention, respect maybe but so what?

 

You can do things to be more attractive and just try more, if it takes hundreds of approaches to find a gf then it takes that much.

Dont be a victim. 

In my opinion take it easy.

[A Fellow Lighter]

4 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

I kinda have a gf who told me that

Well that's definitely a red flag in my book. I'd, personally, consider ending that relationship. 

Anyways.. it's gotten pretty clear to me that this has nothing to do with you wanting to meet social beauty standards, and has everything to do with you just wanting to feel loved.

5 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

If you are hot then you would of course be alive because you are desperately wanted by everyone of the opposite sex.

I get it.. I really do, but you're looking at this from a distorted lense. Being loved by people has nothing to do with how you look, but has everything to do with the type of energy you have to offer the world.

Trust me, even if you looked like a model you could still be hated and not wanted by a majority of people. You could still end up with 0 friends, let alone a decent girlfriend, and all that surrounds you would be nothing but an audience for your looks, as well as people who are only trying to use your looks - like modeling agencies that only want to profit from you - and have no interest in actually connecting with you or even truly caring about you. The general idea, here, is that you'd probably still feel just as lonely and not wanted even if you looked amazing. 

So the problem, here, isn't the feeling of being wanted based on looks. It is being wanted in general, to be loved just for being you. 

Leave this mindset.

5 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

you are hot then you would of course be alive because you are desperately wanted by everyone of the opposite sex.

This logic is just false. And I say this from personal experience. But if you believe in it then, hey, whatever floats your boat, man. I'm only saying you could discover a lot more than what you're currently willing to settle on. You just have to be willing to, first and foremost, give yourself a chance, before wanting others to give you a chance that you-yourself haven't foregiven. It really doesn't work like that, friend. That's called vampirism. First give yourself the same love you'd like to receive from others, and the rest will follow. 

[Breakingthewall]

9 hours ago, Blackhawk said:

My subjective meaning of life is that I must be loved and desired by girls/women in every single way, both inside and out. Do you have a problem with my personal meaning of life?

Your subjective meaning of life leads you to the depression. you are conditioning your happiness to other people's attitude towards you. this is a guarantee of disaster, of having an unhappy life. you must dig in and change your priorities. The reality is that everything you need is within you. It is not easy to get to this completely, but you have to try to get close. you voluntarily tend to the opposite extreme. disaster guarantee