I accidentally became someone’s girlfriend

[soos_mite_ah]

So I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months because a friend set us up. I really like spending time with him and meets all of my standards. There is basically an abundance of green flags so I kept going on dates with him.
 

The problem is, I’m still trying to figure out to what extent I like him because I’m not really attracted to him and he isn’t really my type. Also, he gives me this impression of being emotionally closed off. That’s really the only red flag I have noticed from him but he is pretty self aware about it. He also seems like the type of person who takes a while to get to know because of that. I think because of that and the attraction piece, there is a part of me that is hesitant about how I feel about him. We’ve been on roughly 6-8 dates at this point. 
 

I also have my doubts regarding to what extent he’s even attracted to me. Even after all these dates, we haven't done anything more than a kiss on the cheek. Which isn’t a problem and I get that we’re both moving slower because we’re both relatively inexperienced and a little awkward (honestly I think that’s healthier for me). He seems kind of stiff at times and normally I try to check in to make sure he’s comfortable with everything (and he usually is, he just feels like he gets caught off guard at times). I guess my problem is that I can’t really see myself doing anything more than a simple peck on the lips. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not attracted to him or if I’m still trying to get to know him. 

 

Anyways, today I went on a date with him and as usual it goes over well. He walked me to my car and asks me to be his girlfriend to which I respond with yes. I wasn’t really thinking in this situation and I was in a rush because my parents wanted to be home at a certain time so that was mainly on my mind. On top of that, I was in his arms and it felt vaguely romantic so I guess I was trying to play along with the situation. It wasn’t even that he was pressuring me or anything but it was something he wanted to talk about since I’m leaving the country tomorrow for a study abroad trip. Also, it caught me off guard a little because there was a part of me that was even doubtful on whether or not he was attracted to me.  The good news is that after saying yes, I don’t feel this sinking feeling in my stomach or *oh shit I fucked up baaaad.* But at the same time it feels a little dishonest since I’m not entirely sure how I feel about him and whether or not I want to commit and as a result I do feel a little trapped. It’s similar to how you feel after you just agreed to something at work and you realized you might have accidentally taken on more than you can handle. 
 

but yeahhhh….. how do I handle this situation? Should I continue just going along as his girlfriend or should I have a conversation about my uncertainties? And if I should have the conversation, how do I go about it without sounding like an asshole? 

[flowboy]

7 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Should I continue just going along as his girlfriend or should I have a conversation about my uncertainties? And if I should have the conversation, how do I go about it without sounding like an asshole? 

I'm going to go ahead and assume that you don't really expect people to tell you to go along with this (until you're married? until he wants to have children and you find it awkward to say no to that? Just live your entire life saying yes to things because you don't want to be an asshole?)

If you want your particular problem solved:

1. Ask yourself whether you want to be in a relationship with someone you're not attracted to.
2. If yes, great. Nothing to do here.
3. If not, great. Tell him "I'm not really attracted to you and it doesn't work for me to be in a relationship with someone who I'm not attracted to, so we have to stop seeing each other"
   Problem solved.

 

Optional thoughts:

The fact that you agreed to even a second date with someone you're not attracted to, leads me to believe that you have, as so many of us do, a pattern of pushing away our own true desires and needs in order to fulfill other people's expectations.

If you recognize yourself in that, this could even be to an extent that you feel like you don't even know what you truly want and don't want, but that's false. You do know. You always know. But admitting that feels unsafe and fills you with doubt and second-guessing.

If you don't recognize yourself in that, never mind this part, no harm done.

I mention it because I see this in many people who were raised to fulfill their parents' expectations and needs, and were not sufficiently made to feel like whatever they wanted, needed and expressed was unconditionally okay.

Edited June 29, 2022 by flowboy

[gettoefl]

if you no know

then know it's no

[Razard86]

3 hours ago, flowboy said:

I'm going to go ahead and assume that you don't really expect people to tell you to go along with this (until you're married? until he wants to have children and you find it awkward to say no to that? Just live your entire life saying yes to things because you don't want to be an asshole?)

If you want your particular problem solved:

1. Ask yourself whether you want to be in a relationship with someone you're not attracted to.
2. If yes, great. Nothing to do here.
3. If not, great. Tell him "I'm not really attracted to you and it doesn't work for me to be in a relationship with someone who I'm not attracted to, so we have to stop seeing each other"
   Problem solved.

 

Optional thoughts:

The fact that you agreed to even a second date with someone you're not attracted to, leads me to believe that you have, as so many of us do, a pattern of pushing away our own true desires and needs in order to fulfill other people's expectations.

If you recognize yourself in that, this could even be to an extent that you feel like you don't even know what you truly want and don't want, but that's false. You do know. You always know. But admitting that feels unsafe and fills you with doubt and second-guessing.

If you don't recognize yourself in that, never mind this part, no harm done.

I mention it because I see this in many people who were raised to fulfill their parents' expectations and needs, and were not sufficiently made to feel like whatever they wanted, needed and expressed was unconditionally okay.

The words of an expert. Listen to this advice.

[TurquoiseAngel]

I don't understand why you both would want to close off all of your other options if you are  not even going to be living at the same place?

How long is your trip going to be for?

I personally would video call him and explain that he caught you off guard and you were in a rush so you didn't have time to elaborate a truthful answer that reflects your feelings. Then I would say that it seems like there is a little something missing and although you are happy that he respects you and you are both on the same page regarding taking things slow, you are wondering if the physical aspect  / the chemistry aspect of a relationship is not there and wether this can be built overtime or not...then I would ask what he thinks, how he feels and I would listen to him very attentively. Then I would suggest that we talk about this again once I am back from my trip and meanwhile we should be friends only and have no expectations.

But this is just me. I don't like long distance relationships and i have tried a few times to be together with men I had no attraction or chemistry with and it is never satisfying enough. 

[TurquoiseAngel]

BTW you didn't accidentally became someone's girlfriend. You kept going on dates and you said yes, so you deliberately co-created it together with him.

[Sine]

I don't agree with the others completely. Of course, if there is no attraction, and the attraction won't come later, then maybe it's not the right thing. But, and this is based purely on my own experiences, it might be that you are different and I don't know your past history with men, for me, attraction and fear often get mismatched.

If I was the one feeling like you are explaining you feel for him I would give it some time for attraction to grow.

Sometimes the butterfly/firework feeling that society has conditioned you to connect with being in love and "he is THE ONE" is actually a fear response or at least a sign that you actually feel nervous and not able to be yourself around him.

You say you don't feel like you fucked up bad but that you feel dishonest. To me, it sounds like you are brainwashed by Disney movies and society in general, to think that you need to feel that butterfly/firework feeling for it to be allowed to be someone's girlfriend.

It sounds like you are calmly getting to know each other, something that is important. A lot of people don't do that, they rush into things, reacting too quickly to the pleasant sensations you get from falling in love. 

Now you have made a deal not to date anyone else. That's it, that's what you have agreed to. That is not such a big thing. It's not like you are getting married or having children.

If you feel like it would be interesting to get to know him better and you don't want to date anyone else right now, then just stay being his girlfriend and see where he takes you.

It sounds like he knows what he wants, so I think you can relax in that for now - but of course, be aware of how your feelings develop and/or change and how you feel after spending time with him/having phone calls with him, do you feel better or worse about yourself?

Probably a good idea to express to him that you felt unsure if he was attracted to you and that you would like him to show it to you more often.

 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 6/29/2022 at 0:42 PM, flowboy said:

I'm going to go ahead and assume that you don't really expect people to tell you to go along with this (until you're married? until he wants to have children and you find it awkward to say no to that? Just live your entire life saying yes to things because you don't want to be an asshole?)

Lol yeah I'm not thinking about forcing anything and we're both also on the same page where we both want commitment but not necessarily something super long term (but if it turns into that, we aren't opposed it either). 

On 6/29/2022 at 0:42 PM, flowboy said:

The fact that you agreed to even a second date with someone you're not attracted to, leads me to believe that you have, as so many of us do, a pattern of pushing away our own true desires and needs in order to fulfill other people's expectations.

I feel like when it comes to attraction I have this very specific type and I think it would be quite limitting and superficial if I were to just limit myself to that. Also, gonna be completely honest, I can't see people I find attractive ever feeling the same way about me since I look like a troll most of the time (honestly, I'm kind of surprised if anyone ever looks at me in that light because I personally can't see it). 

Also when it comes to attraction, I identified as asexual for the longest time and as a result I'm used to simply not prioritizing that. I'm still not sure if I'm straight. There is a chance that I might be demisexual meaning that I need a certain degree of emotional attachment in order to be attracted to that person. I guess what I need to ask myself is how long should I wait for attraction to build before I realize it's just not happening? 

20 hours ago, TurquoiseAngel said:

don't understand why you both would want to close off all of your other options if you are  not even going to be living at the same place?

How long is your trip going to be for?

My trip is for a month and a half. It really isn't that long. I also don't mind being exclusive with this person when I'm dating them. I just don't want to go around having this girlfriend label on me in the off chance that I realize that this isn't going to work 2 months down the road. 

20 hours ago, TurquoiseAngel said:

BTW you didn't accidentally became someone's girlfriend. You kept going on dates and you said yes, so you deliberately co-created it together with him.

Lol just said that for the eye catching title. I don't intend to insinuate a lack of responsibility on my part. 

16 hours ago, Sine said:

Sometimes the butterfly/firework feeling that society has conditioned you to connect with being in love and "he is THE ONE" is actually a fear response or at least a sign that you actually feel nervous and not able to be yourself around him.

Yeah, I tried to take this into consideration when I first started dating this guy because even though I didn't feel instant sparks or attraction, I thought it would be unfair to write him off when he seemed like a good guy  and someone I otherwise really enjoy hanging out with. But at the same time, I am a little skeptical of the possibility that I might have gone too far in the other hand where I didn't honor my preferences and just went with something that wasn't good or bad, but just fine...? I hope that makes sense. Like a guy doesn't have to be a glaring embodiment of a red flag for him to not be a good fit. 

16 hours ago, Sine said:

It sounds like you are calmly getting to know each other, something that is important. A lot of people don't do that, they rush into things, reacting too quickly to the pleasant sensations you get from falling in love. 

That's another reason why I kept going on dates with him. Even though I wasn't feeling sparks or an attraction, the whole thing was developing in a relatively healthy pace considering we started off as strangers with a common friend 2 months ago. Like I don't expect to go from that to hanging out multiple times a week and knowing each other's tragic back stories in a span of a month lol (if anything that's concerning, not romantic). But then it's also like, at what point is slow, too slow,...?  

[integral]

When your compatible with someone you think about and want to spend every second with them and this will extend beyond the honey moon phase. 

[soos_mite_ah]

@integral I have literally never felt that way about anyone including my friends. Also, don’t you think that’s kind of extreme and codependent? 

 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

So I’ve been thinking about this and I wrote something out and I wanted to share and get an additional opinion on it. Would especially love to hear your thoughts @flowboy : 

 

Hey *name*, there’s something I need to talk to you about. I would call you but I am trying to manage the time difference and also, I’m with my parents so they are low key looking over my shoulder. 

When you asked me to be your girlfriend, I did feel like I was put on the spot since I was getting ready to get in my car and leave. And I said yes because I wasn’t really thinking straight since I was in a rush. 

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be your girlfriend and keep dating you but I feel like I’m still in the process of getting to know you. I would like to continue dating and keeping in touch but I don’t think I’m comfortable with commitment just yet. 

I’m still trying to figure out my feelings toward you but I really enjoy your company. And while I’m not comfortable with commitment just yet, I am still serious about this and I’m more than happy to be exclusive with you. 

I really hope you don’t get the wrong idea. I just want to be transparent with my intentions and where I fall in this because I feel that a simple “yes” is not telling the whole story and that I can be more honest in this situation.

[flowboy]

3 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

So I’ve been thinking about this and I wrote something out and I wanted to share and get an additional opinion on it. Would especially love to hear your thoughts @flowboy : 

 

Hey *name*, there’s something I need to talk to you about. I would call you but I am trying to manage the time difference and also, I’m with my parents so they are low key looking over my shoulder. 

When you asked me to be your girlfriend, I did feel like I was put on the spot since I was getting ready to get in my car and leave. And I said yes because I wasn’t really thinking straight since I was in a rush. 

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be your girlfriend and keep dating you but I feel like I’m still in the process of getting to know you. I would like to continue dating and keeping in touch but I don’t think I’m comfortable with commitment just yet. 

I’m still trying to figure out my feelings toward you but I really enjoy your company. And while I’m not comfortable with commitment just yet, I am still serious about this and I’m more than happy to be exclusive with you. 

I really hope you don’t get the wrong idea. I just want to be transparent with my intentions and where I fall in this because I feel that a simple “yes” is not telling the whole story and that I can be more honest in this situation.

The parts marked in blue seem like tiny little lies to me. Only you can know whether I'm right about that of course, but do check

What's the fear preventing you from telling your truth?

Edited July 1, 2022 by flowboy

[integral]

9 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

@integral I have literally never felt that way about anyone including my friends. Also, don’t you think that’s kind of extreme and codependent? 

Do you guys have anything in common? It appears that there is a huge lack of interest in this person and to go on a 9th with them is extreme. Is this person your friend can you comfortably talk to them about anything? 

[Jacob Morres]

I've been the guy in this scenario like 7 years ago 

Uhh I mean it went fine but it was also kinda ass because reflecting on the situation, she didn't like me that much (and likewise for me). And that internal feeling I noticed show up in many scenarios throughout the relationship. Though never explicit 

And then after we broke up she found a dude that resonated wayy better with her 

Donno, I think it may be possible to find a guy that meets more of your needs/desires 

Edited July 1, 2022 by Jacob Morres

[Average Investor]

14 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

So I’ve been thinking about this and I wrote something out and I wanted to share and get an additional opinion on it. Would especially love to hear your thoughts @flowboy : 

 

Hey *name*, there’s something I need to talk to you about. I would call you but I am trying to manage the time difference and also, I’m with my parents so they are low key looking over my shoulder. 

When you asked me to be your girlfriend, I did feel like I was put on the spot since I was getting ready to get in my car and leave. And I said yes because I wasn’t really thinking straight since I was in a rush. 

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be your girlfriend and keep dating you but I feel like I’m still in the process of getting to know you. I would like to continue dating and keeping in touch but I don’t think I’m comfortable with commitment just yet. 

I’m still trying to figure out my feelings toward you but I really enjoy your company. And while I’m not comfortable with commitment just yet, I am still serious about this and I’m more than happy to be exclusive with you. 

I really hope you don’t get the wrong idea. I just want to be transparent with my intentions and where I fall in this because I feel that a simple “yes” is not telling the whole story and that I can be more honest in this situation.

If you seriously wanted that guy a 10 minute phone call would not be hard to do. 

I have actually asked a girl out with a similar situation to you. She said yes, but then said that her parents would not let her date until she was 18. We were 16 at the time. I was not really that great at asserting my desires and she was not either. However, I am really not sure how interested she even was. She basically just wasted my time. We still went to a dance and stuff together after, but I never talked to her again after that. I think we took things way too slow and didn't express our desires enough. 

From what you wrote it doesn't seem like you are that interested in him. Two months is usually enough to know if you are really interested in someone. Why not date someone that excites you? 

That or go have some sex and try to gage your compatibility there. If you still don't want to have sex with this guy after a couple months it should be a good sign that you are not attracted or have issues with intimacy. I also don't know your age, so if you are quite young, then I can understand not having sex fast. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Ok so I like being around this person and I feel that he is going to be good for me because he is an abundance of green flags and meets all of my standards. But I don't fully feel attracted to him and I don't know if this is something that can grow over time of if this is going to be a fundamental thing that fucks everything up. I'm leaning on attraction might be something that will grow over time and that I'll eventually warm up to the idea of being physical with this guy. But I'm still confused lol.

I think this is where I stand on this issue. Just confusion. 

16 hours ago, flowboy said:

What's the fear preventing you from telling your truth?

I'm guessing that you're referring to me telling him that I'm not attracted to him. 

Well, first of all, I feel like just saying that can basically translate into me calling him ugly and I can see this being pretty rude. Second, I don't want him to think I led him on because I kept going on dates with him. I did that because I genuinely enjoyed his company. I don't want him to feel like I took advantage of him, his feelings, hjs time and low key his money (he paid for most of the dates even though I offered). 

4 hours ago, Average Investor said:

If you still don't want to have sex with this guy after a couple months it should be a good sign that you are not attracted or have issues with intimacy. I also don't know your age, so if you are quite young, then I can understand not having sex fast. 

I am 22 but I haven't really dated much until I turned 18 and then the pandemic hit so I didn't go out on any dates or tried to meet people for a solid 2 years. I'm also a virgin so I think that adds to feelings of hesitation and the desire to take things slow for me personally. On top of that I'm currently living in Texas where you could get put in jail and be charged with murder if you get an abortion so that doesn't exactly make it comfortable for me to have start having sex as someone who already had a full on fear of ever getting pregnant before that legislation was ever passed.

Also, we live like 1.5-2 hours away from each other and we both currently live with each of our parents. We've just been meeting up in places to get food and haven't had much privacy to do anything. The last thing I want to do is drive 2 hours only to show up to his house and run into his mom. Or worse, him coming to my house and having my parents freako out on me. I'm moving back to college in a month and a half so I'm going to have my own space when it comes to that.  

Edited July 1, 2022 by soos_mite_ah

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHR0hOfFeb8

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1CyAYugkUk

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGcKh91O72Y

[Salvijus]

Maybe just remove the title "girlfriend" and continue being friends and see where it goes. It seems like u were going along well with each other untill the label got attached. So remove all labels even "friends" and be with him if u like him and if u don't, don't be with him. And if u get aroused get closer and get more intimate and if no arausal is there just have fun in other ways.

Or do whatever idk.

Edited July 2, 2022 by Salvijus

[flowboy]

13 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Second, I don't want him to think I led him on because I kept going on dates with him. I did that because I genuinely enjoyed his company.

He's going to think that anyway when he finds out that you weren't attracted to him all this time, and the longer you wait, the worse it is for him.

Here's the problem I see: you've apparently decided that you want to be in a relationship without physical attraction, but by keeping that a secret from him, you've also decided that for him. He hasn't gotten the chance to decide whether he wants to be in that, knowing that.

On 30/06/2022 at 2:09 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I feel like when it comes to attraction I have this very specific type and I think it would be quite limitting and superficial if I were to just limit myself to that. Also, gonna be completely honest, I can't see people I find attractive ever feeling the same way about me since I look like a troll most of the time (honestly, I'm kind of surprised if anyone ever looks at me in that light because I personally can't see it). 

Your insecurities are causing you to waste both your and his time. Work on those, instead of obsessing over this situation.

You can't have a healthy relationship without healthy self-image and self-worth, so why not take the shortcut to success and work on that directly?

The guy (whichever one) will fall into place after that.

You need and deserve to feel great in your own skin and feel attractive, and consider yourself a catch.

No dating experience is going to feel satisfying until you get there, whichever guy you pick.

 

[Roy]

You need to break up with him, like cut it cold. That's the mature thing to do that will save you both future pain and time. Share how you feel and your uncertainties, and accept the possibility you might come off as an asshole while doing it.

Being with someone you aren't attracted to is a waste of your time and theirs, and it's insulting too. Like how deep are you going to go into this relationship until you are confronted in some moment and have to look into his eyes and say you never really felt that much for him?

That kind of thing can be devastating and completely avoidable if you just bite the bullet now.

This isn't an arranged marriage. You aren't obligated to stick around for years to stoke a fire and build a relationship from ground zero attraction. What you need is to be actively dating and screening for guys that make you go head over heels, and discard the rest (nicely). If you aren't sure that you like them or want to be with them by date 2 or 3 you simply need to move on.