Trauma Around Pooping

[Raptorsin7]

Hey I'm curious if anyone has any insight or advice for an issue I'm dealing with.

So my grandma shamed me for pooping on the floor when I was around 3. 

I've actually uncovered the emotions I felt at the time while using psychidelics, but I never had long term resolution from the issue.

I've always had a phobia of pooping or farting in public, and to this day I feel very self conscious about pooping, and I think a large part of my mind and ego is caught up in protecting myself from that trauma.

I think this may have something to do with my stomach issues as well, but idk. I definitely repress and avoid feelings from my stomach and bladder, so I'm assuming my solution lies in bringing these feelings to light and to stop repressing them.

My main goal is to have a healthy relationship with pooping, and my own stomach sensations. 

This is a big reason why I can't form healthy relationships too I think. Like the thought of a girl pooping or farting in front of me is very unappealing, and I also feel unattractive because I don't have full control over my stomach issues and I have this weird thought that maybe I might poop my pants in front of her or something and then she will be repulsed by me

Any insights would be appreciated 

 

[JonasVE12]

Fart and poop your pants in public until you don't care anymore. Maybe get a fart cushion and start there. Use it to trigger your repressed feelings and release them on the spot. Just start 'farting' in front of other people and you'll naturally start to heal. Then maybe progress to pooping your pants if you are ready. I did something similar for my toilet anxiety. I was always afraid I would pee my pants in public so I started to throw water on my pants when I went outside and released what came up. And then I progressed to actually peeing my pants. Going through the actual experience of peeing my pants in front of other people, but from a place of proactivity, naturally released the resistance to the experience of peeing my pants. I could relax into it and let go of the resistance. And so my anxiety disappeared because subconsciously, I knew I could handle it. The problem is that you think you can't handle it. And so therefore you resist it. If however you would allow yourself to go through the experience of the thing you resist, you would be amazed at how much more emotional discomfort you can handle and you would realize your own power of turning discomfort into acceptance. You just need to become proactive instead of reactive. And that means stopping avoiding and stepping into the tension of that resistance.

 

Edited June 28, 2022 by JonasVE12

[Raptorsin7]

@JonasVE12 Okay. 

Whenever i do psychidelics I can feel that sense of pooping anxiety, so next time I guess I'll try pooping my pants and seeing how that goes.

[Average Investor]

I feel like just using some public restrooms could help quite a bit with that. You could also try using something like the sedona method, which could be quite helpful for something like that too. 

 

[puporing]

I think a therapist can help you with it too if you are open to that.. some kinda reprocessing.

[Raptorsin7]

@Average Investor I've been using the washroom at my work more recently so that's a step in the right direction. But I still feel uncomfortable when I can hear people in the washroom, or there are people in the stall next to me.

@puporing Yeah I have a therapist now, but I haven't brought this up yet. It still makes me uncomfortable the prospect of bringing this up, but this is the main thing on my mind nowadays so I may as well bring it up.

[Nilsi]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anal_stage

This might give you some insight.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiAr3Hgbv60

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

[flowboy]

Anxiety is a warning signal that a feeling is approaching consciousness.

A feeling that was too much to fully feel, when it first made that imprint.

It basically says: "If we continue on this path, we might feel the same thing that traumatized us before"

This feeling, that your conscious mind is trying to get you to avoid at all cost, would be something around the realisation that you are unloved or unsafe with a caretaker who you depended upon. What feeling it is exactly, only you can find out by doing trauma work. It can range from They will never love me when I am just myself to She would actually kill me.

Again the actual feeling is highly personalised, but it is a terrifying realisation for a child that implies that love and safety are conditional - which means some parts of himself have to be repressed in order to survive. He can no longer be just what he is. (in your case someone who poops)

That realisation can not possibly be consciously integrated at that age, therefore it becomes a trauma.

The crux is that as an adult, this pain can be fully felt and integrated because we are now not dependent on that caretaker for our livelihood. Conditionality of love by them does not mean death for us today, therefore with an adult psyche we can integrate that pain.

This is why retraumatization is not really an issue and reliving piece by piece is the way out of this conditioning.

I don't recommend stunts like shitting yourself in public.

It could be a trigger to relive the traumatic moment, which is healing in private, but not safe to do in public.

And if it doesn't, all you've done is proven to your conscious mind that it is safe to do today, but the part of the psyche that is locked away along with the old pain, still can not receive that message.

[Raptorsin7]

9 hours ago, flowboy said:

This feeling, that your conscious mind is trying to get you to avoid at all cost, would be something around the realisation that you are unloved or unsafe with a caretaker who you depended upon. What feeling it is exactly, only you can find out by doing trauma work. It can range from They will never love me when I am just myself to She would actually kill me.

 

Yeah this makes sense. 

My grandma is crazy and I think if I misbehaved enough she would actually kill me. I think I have inherited that part of her mind, because I have a very strict judgmental part of my mind, and I think I could kill someone in pure rage if they did something wrong enough.

Right now the thing that is at the center of my attention/mind is my stomach sensations and specifically pooping sensations.

I've noticed i'm getting more comfortable feeling them, and I find when I just remain present and bring attention to my stomach and lower body, there is a avoidance to this area, and it also has a soothing effect on the tension in my head when i can expand my awareness to my whole body, not just the head.

 

[puporing]

Feels like it goes more than just the pooping part, you might have some anger to process as well that goes along with it, it's all part of self-love... first recognition of the child in you that wasn't loved enough, and then to see the higher perspective that the pain you got from your grandma was the same pain she got from somewhere else, then to dissolve this pain through self-love... 

[Raptorsin7]

5 hours ago, puporing said:

Feels like it goes more than just the pooping part, you might have some anger to process as well that goes along with it, it's all part of self-love... first recognition of the child in you that wasn't loved enough, and then to see the higher perspective that the pain you got from your grandma was the same pain she got from somewhere else, then to dissolve this pain through self-love... 

Yeah I'm aware that's more to my unique blend of suffering.

I just find it hard to penetrate deeply into unconscious feelings and thoughts. I'm very add, even though I think just sitting still and allowing this stuff to come up is likely a key.

Psychidelics work the best for bringing this stuff up, but when I take them 90% of the time it's just too painful with nausea and headaches for me to stomach it.

[tedens]

@Raptorsin7 I had a similar case, but I also managed to play with the toy car in the Pulp?

[King Merk]

Man I’m actually in a similar situation except with peeing.

Long story short I was molested as a child and ever since then I can’t urinate when other people are nearby. Not even my girlfriend.

For years I couldn’t use a public restroom at all. Then it got to where I can only use a stall but I’d have to be sitting down and no one else could be in the bathroom with me.

Now I can use a stall in public while other people are in the bathroom but my body freaks out and starts to have panic attack if I try using urinal with other people around.

My approach is slow and gradual exposure therapy. Baby steps, y’a know.

That’s seemed to help me with it…

That and talking with people about it.

I went years without talking to anyone about this until recent and it’s been very healing to do so.

Interesting how shit like this develops from childhood trauma haha. 

[Raptorsin7]

On 7/1/2022 at 10:43 PM, King Merk said:

Man I’m actually in a similar situation except with peeing.

Long story short I was molested as a child and ever since then I can’t urinate when other people are nearby. Not even my girlfriend.

For years I couldn’t use a public restroom at all. Then it got to where I can only use a stall but I’d have to be sitting down and no one else could be in the bathroom with me.

Now I can use a stall in public while other people are in the bathroom but my body freaks out and starts to have panic attack if I try using urinal with other people around.

My approach is slow and gradual exposure therapy. Baby steps, y’a know.

That’s seemed to help me with it…

That and talking with people about it.

I went years without talking to anyone about this until recent and it’s been very healing to do so.

Interesting how shit like this develops from childhood trauma haha. 

That's interesting, thanks for sharing.

I think I may have been molested too. But I don't have any clear memories. 

I have issues being intimate with people too. I have trouble using the washroom if people are near me, and I've never had a real intimate relationship.

Do you have any ideas about how to heal the issue? Or are you focused on other things?

 

[King Merk]

@Raptorsin7 it’s possible that you could repressed it from your conscious memory. That’s what I did.

For me it happened when I was about 8 and I didn’t have the memories in my head until I hit 23.

It was so trippy. I was sitting at home one day watching an Eminem documentary and then this song played that me & the guy that molested me used to listen together and then a floodgate of memories came back (including the event).

It’s like my mind had shut off this guy and all my memories with him (which were quite a few as he was a childhood friend). Then when these memories came rushing back to my conscious mind it felt like a lightning bolt hit me.

With regards to healing the issue…

I believe that you have to do the thing that you’re afraid to do. You just do it in low enough doses that it’s not overwhelming.

So for you, I’d focus on being intimate with others. Maybe it starts super simple like getting a pet that you become very intimate/close to.

Then maybe it evolves to being vulnerable around a friend. Then a romantic partner. Then even more people, etc.

Or maybe it’s simply you going to a public washroom and hanging out in there even though it makes you anxious. 

In my experience whatever it is that I’m holding trauma/fear around is the very thing itself that I need to be doing to heal the trauma.

Also meditating on the situation while on psychedelics has proven to be helpful for me. Try to bring this shadow to the light of day.