Feeling a bit insecure after break up

[Consept]

So last week I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years. It was tough because I do love her but i think there were some major differences between us, eg she was a perfectionist and generally im more go with the flow. There was also quite a big culture difference im from the UK shes from South America, although she could speak english fine I found the communication quite tough, this could also be related to personality as well as she was quite serious but also could be immature when it came to disagreements (silent treatment etc). Generally though it felt that i was kind of limiting myself and personality to try and make it work, which is obviously not great and i was getting so many signs that this wasnt the one, even if she did have a lot of good qualities and I loved her. 

Anyway, when we broke up i did feel a sense of relief and freedom, however it does feel really daunting stepping out into the world and eventually trying to attract other potential relationships. Ive always done pretty well with women and had a little period where i got into pick up (not heavy) in which I was really confident, pushed out of my comfort zone and was quite successful. But now I dont feel that same confidence, Im 37 and for the first time Im feeling a bit insecure about my age, looks, hairline, weight etc, like can i still do it? kinda thing. Ive never really felt like I needed or wanted a relationship, they just kinda happen and im not even sure i want one now but I like to know that if i did want one I'd be able to get a quality woman. For whatever reason theres this fear that I'm just not going to be able to. 

A bit of a ramble there but yeah just feeling a bit weird after the break up, grateful for any advice

 

[Gesundheit2]

@Consept I don't get why you think it might be hard, except with finding a quality woman. Quality people are rare, especially the higher quality you are, so that might be a struggle if you want to be very selective. Otherwise, if your finances are good and you have a good personality (judging from your podcast), then finding a partner should be relatively easy for you.

Edited June 27, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[cjoseph90]

hey there, sorry youre going through this difficult period, as they say pain makes us stronger and we 'grow' through the hard times. and yes be easy on yourself during this time, cry if you need to. 

Who broke up with who? or was it mutual? let her go,if it is meant to be she'll come back.  if not like said above youll attract another high quality partner evenutually. 

[aurum]

13 hours ago, Consept said:

Im 37 and for the first time Im feeling a bit insecure about my age, looks, hairline, weight etc, like can i still do it? kinda thing. Ive never really felt like I needed or wanted a relationship, they just kinda happen and im not even sure i want one now but I like to know that if i did want one I'd be able to get a quality woman. For whatever reason theres this fear that I'm just not going to be able to. 

You’re probably a little old to seriously date 21 year olds anymore. But 37 ain’t bad at all in general. Especially if you’ve been working on yourself. You could even still be peaking.

And if do got some gaps, all that is somewhat within your ability to improve. You can go to the gym, you can shave your head, you can get cool clothes, you can work on your charisma, etc.

[universe]

That's totally normal.

Question your mindset, is it really hard to find a new partner?

Cast some doubt on your beliefs. "I have low confidence and am not sure if I can still do it", is that really true? I would be very sceptical about it.

Also might be a good time for these videos

 

 

 

Also ask yourself what are the benefits for thinking like this?

Maybe if you allow yourself to think this way and don't date, you wont have to deal with approaching women and getting rejected?

 

And of course welcome your emotions. Let them run through your body. Allow them to be.

 

❤️

[Consept]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, I am feeling a bit more positive about it. It is a challenge definitely but thats what life is about and im kinda looking forward to growing myself more which i can see now stagnated whilst in this relationship. 

16 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

@Consept I don't get why you think it might be hard, except with finding a quality woman. Quality people are rare, especially the higher quality you are, so that might be a struggle if you want to be very selective. Otherwise, if your finances are good and you have a good personality (judging from your podcast), then finding a partner should be relatively easy for you.

I guess its a faulty belief just from being out of the game for so long, the quality thing is important as ultimately thats what im looking for but at the same time it doesnt help to look at the end goal and get overwhelmed, which i tend to do sometimes, just gotta take it step by step. Thanks for the kind words about the podcast and you're right, its just a matter of pushing myself out there and testing the waters. 

 

15 hours ago, cjoseph90 said:

hey there, sorry youre going through this difficult period, as they say pain makes us stronger and we 'grow' through the hard times. and yes be easy on yourself during this time, cry if you need to. 

Who broke up with who? or was it mutual? let her go,if it is meant to be she'll come back.  if not like said above youll attract another high quality partner evenutually. 

Yeah to be honest ive probably had the best growth coming off the back of break ups, so it does feel daunting but it will grow me and thats the main thing. 

It was more me that broke up with her as it just wasnt really working for me anymore and i felt like i was limiting myself. I was using a lot of energy to keep it going and i did feel a bit of relief when it ended, although i was still sad at the same time. 

9 hours ago, aurum said:

You’re probably a little old to seriously date 21 year olds anymore. But 37 ain’t bad at all in general. Especially if you’ve been working on yourself. You could even still be peaking.

And if do got some gaps, all that is somewhat within your ability to improve. You can go to the gym, you can shave your head, you can get cool clothes, you can work on your charisma, etc.

Thanks man, its been a while since I was trying to attract 21 year olds lol. One thing with this relationship is that it has given me a certain clarity on what i want and I dont think thered be many 21 year olds that would fit into it, for a long term thing anyway. i think minimum would be 25. But yeah youre right theres a lot there to work on and not even for women but just to grow myself and become better. 

7 hours ago, universe said:

That's totally normal.

Question your mindset, is it really hard to find a new partner?

Cast some doubt on your beliefs. "I have low confidence and am not sure if I can still do it", is that really true? I would be very sceptical about it.

Also might be a good time for these videos

Yes youre right, I am sceptical about those thoughts, but these are just the thoughts that are coming up, I think it just feels like a massive task but also its the way that im thinking about it which makes it feel like that. 

 

7 hours ago, universe said:

Also ask yourself what are the benefits for thinking like this?

Maybe if you allow yourself to think this way and don't date, you wont have to deal with approaching women and getting rejected?

 

And of course welcome your emotions. Let them run through your body. Allow them to be.

❤️

Yes it comes from fear and maybe gives an excuse or a way out so its like a way of handling that fear, but in reality there is no way im going to give in to it, I can feel that thats the case hence why I even wrote the original post, i guess I just wanted some motivation and a bit of empathy. Its weird because Ive always done quite well with women but there has always been a fear there of not being able to attract them, it probably comes from some messed up stuff in my childhood but i see a therapist and have been working through this. 

The emotion thing is something i have been working on so i will continue with that, I can be really hard on myself and not accepting of certain emotions so this is a very important one.

 

Love and thanks again to everyone