Upgrading To The Maximum Level In Life

[Extreme Z7]

<07-21-16>
Still A Slave To Foolish Human Desires
 

I was a Windows 8.1 user last night and after reading that the Windows 10 upgrade offer would cease to be free by July 29, 2016, I decided to get my ass excited and start downloading it. The download and install process took so long, I literally stayed up until 1:00 am, even though I knew that I would have internship duty today and I need to get up early. All that hassle just so I could monitor the installation process and be there the moment my new OS was ready. Also, isn't it interesting that I didn't give a shit about Windows 10 for months but the moment it was announced that it was going to be gone in a couple of weeks, I suddenly want it very badly, human psychology is a bitch.

I know deep down that this wasn't a very wise choice to do. Giving away hours of sleep time just so I could see my shinier new OS quicker. Now I believe that I may have to suffer the whole day at internship duty with sleep deprivation. Fortunately, I don't really have much work to do at that job but sleep deprivation still feels awful.

It's quite important that I stop writing this now and get to meditation. Every time I fall off track, I think it's pretty wise not to stay off-track for way too long before something I might really regret happens.

See ya and have a nice, hopefully sleep-deprivation-free, day.

[Extreme Z7]

<07-22-16>
Do We Create Suffering Out Of Nowhere? (Link Below)

One weird thing about me is that I'm a lazy yet hardworking kid. (I prefer not to call myself a "man" because I don't feel like one). I can spend hours a day working towards a huge project by myself while at the same time, I'm always looking for ways to cut the amount of effort I have to put into something but still maintaining the quality I want out of it. One thing that non-programmers don't know about programmers is that all we really do when we try to invent new programming technologies (e.g. a new programming language or a new API system) is to find ways to make things more convenient and require less effort.

Why do I mention this? Well, I'm too lazy to actually write a journal entry today. So instead I'm going to link to a thread I recently made on the 'Self Actualization' sub-forum. Hey! I made some effort to make content, that new thread is basically my excuse not to expend more effort in today's entry.
 

 

[Extreme Z7]

<07-23-16>
Experiencing Some Backsliding This Weekend
 

I've been backsliding back to my soft addictions again today, and something tells me tomorrow isn't going to be any different because I p;an to visit the mall again to play around in the arcade. I remember Leo making a video on this once. It would be best to watch it again to keep myself on track.

Oh yes and tomorrow is Sunday again which means an exciting new episode of Actualized.org is coming! Also, I'm making a new blog post detailing progress I've made on my game again.

I have nothing else to say. As I said, I backslided in some of my old habits today. Not completely, I did spend most of the afternoon walking outside so I could relax, but tonight I'm kind of falling back to my YouTube pleasures again.

[Extreme Z7]

<07-24-16>
Just Keep Growing

Just Keep Growing, Just Keep Growing, Just Keep Growing. . . Growing. . . Growing. . . Finding the truth about my life. . Hmm . . . hm hmm. .hmm

Hmm. . .Hmmm. . . Just Keep Growing, Just Keep Growing, Just Keep Growing. . . Growing. . . Growing. . .Hmm . . . hm hmm. .

The words above are just a tune that popped into my head when I tried to think about something to write today. It's a simple tune inspired by Dory from Finding Nemo's "Just Keep Swimming" song and Leo's new video about the 3 Levels of Personal Development which I absolutely recommend you check it out.

I can talk about what I thought about the video but I really don't want to. What I want to do right is to just post this entry. Turn off my laptop and lie in bed, relax, and enjoy the night.

P.S.
Just Keep Growing, Just Keep Growing, Just Keep Growing. . . Growing. . . Growing. . . Finding the truth about my life. . Hmm . . . hm hmm. .hmm

Hmm. . .Hmmm. . . Just Keep Growing, Just Keep Growing, Just Keep Growing. . . Growing. . . Growing. . .Hmm . . . hm hmm. .

Edited July 24, 2016 by Extreme Z7

[Extreme Z7]

<07-26-16>
A Review On The Five Ways
 

I forgot to write yesterday's entry again. I decided not to ignore it anyway because I didn't find yesterday too interesting. But anyway, let's get to today.

Today I finished reading Shinzen Young's free e-book, Five Ways To Know Yourself. It's a 183 page e-book detailing five modes in which one can practice basic mindfulness plus more content and models on how one can view their perspective on mindfulness and its significance in the world. The first half was what I would call the "practical" part of the book where Young outlines basic instructions to achieve different kinds of basic mindfulness.

The five main ways of practicing mindfulness as listed in the book are:

• The Way of Thoughts and Emotions
• The Way of Physicality
• The Way of Tranquility
• The Way of Flow
• The Way of Human Goodness

You're supposed to be able to do each of these 5 practices in order to get the benefits out of doing mindfulness but I found myself being geared towards doing the Way of Tranquility most of the time, it is the easiest to do of the five because it includes the "Do Nothing Technique".

The second half talks more on abstract models but I actually thought it was more interesting. I enjoyed reading all the different goals and benefits that one should strive for when doing this kind of work and also brief advice on how to advance one's mindfulness/meditation habit.

I'd definitely recommend this e-book for anyone who's interested in doing mindfulness work especially if you're a beginner or rookie. Don't worry about having to pay anything, like I said, it's free.

Edited July 26, 2016 by Extreme Z7

[Extreme Z7]

<07-27-16>
OMAGHERD! THE DISTRACTIONS ARE WONDERFUL
 

I've been playing this game called The Improbable Island. Basically, it's a text-based browser based game set in a fantasy world where a reality-altering machine has gone haywire creating all sorts of anomalies and you have to fight (I stopped writing by this point because I switched back to the tab where I was playing the game. I can't say I feel really focused today, I think I'll sleep earlier than normal so I can stop playing this game earlier and get a clearer headed.)

[Extreme Z7]

<07-28-16>
A Step In The Positive Direction
 

I forgot to write yesterday's journal entry again, didn't I? Oh well, I was busy enjoying myself at the arcade again. Still worth it, though. Speaking of which, I drew a new pixel art drawing that i would like to share with you today.



To be honest, I didn't think I'd make something this good until maybe after several more months of practice. But it turns out, all I needed was to look up some pixel shading tutorials, and look for more tutorials on how to draw pixel eyes, clouds, etc. Then use what I've learned from my sketching practice to draw the line art. Choose the right colors and you've got a pixel art piece that's bright and colorful. It's still kind of simplistic though, and the shading could be better, but why should I even expect it to be perfect? It would just ruin the satisfaction from creating art. I would definitely call it a step in the positive direction.

It seems I've kind of transformed myself to be more interested in art than before. Even when I first started this journal, I wouldn't think I would change in such a way that drawing would be something that would even be remotely close to the forefront of my mind. Of course, I would think about it and value it a little bit, but I just wouldn't believe that it would become one of my higher creative values like it is now.

If you're wondering, it took me close to a couple hours to draw. I drew it while bored, sitting at an office, supposed to be doing a web development internship job. Nobody around me seemed to care that I was just fucking about drawing so I just continued on my merry way until I was done.

I expect to make more pixel art in the future and also experiment with other digital and traditional art as well so I can see which art mediums do I like the most or rather which ones are the most appropriate for my tastes in art. I find that the more creative projects I take on, be it music, drawing, video editing, or game development, that I slowly step away from some forms of creative work and get attracted to other forms. I think its important that I find all that I would really enjoy creating and avoid ones that I don't really have a passion for. The problem is that I still don't have the big picture of what that's going to be. So I need to keep experimenting, trying new things, failing and failing until success is the only option that remains. . .

[Extreme Z7]

<07-30-16>
Sometimes I Just Forget
 

I forgot to write yesterday's entry again. That's okay. I decided I was going to enjoy myself last Friday night. And because I have both the tendency to overwork myself and also overstimulate myself at the same time, I thought it's be wise if I plan to spend tomorrow mostly doing calm observation and relaxing activities that don't require much effort. Something to clear my mind with and also an opportunity for me to think about my future and really strategize. Ask myself questions about what I really want out of my life and what I must do to achieve it and what not.

Because of tomorrow's plans, I decided to make an update for my game project one day early. You check it out now in my blog (extremegamedev.blogspot.com).

I also finished drawing a new pixel art piece today that I plan to polish and then upload tomorrow. I'm excited to share this one.

[Extreme Z7]

<08-01-16>
Money Spent, Time Wasted

So many things I regret about today. I didn't spend my money and especially my time wisely. I couldn't help myself but try to enjoy myself with petty activities like going to the mall to play at the arcade or stressing out over work that I chose to do. Now I kinda want to go back again to the highly disciplined and relatively higher consciousness lifestyle again. I notice that my habits are basically like a Sine wave where I alternate between trying to do what my ego does not want to do but ultimately feeling satisfied and doing close to everything that my ego wants ending up with guilt and disappointment. I have a feeling that today was a me being in the lowest point in the sine wave and that tomorrow will begin my climb back to doing self-improvement and doing it well. This time, it's going to be different though, this time I'll try to stay up in that conscious state as long as I can and hopefully break the cycle of me constantly backsliding and only kicking myself in the ass when things are at their (relative) worst.

In unrelated news, here are a couple of new pixel art pieces I drew during the last couple of days. I hope you like them.

                       

That's it, just a pixel robot lion cub and a pixel humanoid atom-head thing (I named her Atoma).

That's all for today. See you tomorrow (hopefully).

 

[Extreme Z7]

<08-02-16>
I Found My True Self
 

I'll just outright say it, I found my true existential self during my meditation session today! I couldn't believe after all this time trying to "search" for the existential self, I actually grasped what it is. Pretty much what I learned from watching Leo's videos basically got confirmed. The existential self is NOT and experience at all. It is NOT a thing! It is completely empty and I was also able to see that it was inherently self-aware!

How did I "find" it? Well, I simply had to grasp was that whatever I am, it had to be something that was constant. And so during the session, my mind basically wandered into doing a sort of spontaneous "Neti Neti method" where I noticed just how different kinds of experience came and went, and because of the constant flux, I couldn't possibly be any of my direct experience. It didn't take me long to realize and find that what was constant was pure awareness that experience was happening. And there I finally grasped that what I am is not only the "thing" that is aware of experience, but that it was also the fact that experience is even happening, if that makes any sense at all.

Maybe you might be reading this and getting skeptical with my claims, maybe you might think that I have not actually found my true self and am just talking shit but I can assure you, what I discovered was very profound and very true. The real problem is is that I can't communicate my direct experience. I mean, how am I supposed to describe empty self-aware nothing to you if you haven't "experienced" it for yourself. I'm using a lot of quotation marks in my writing because the words can't really accurately describe what I actually found.

Also, I realize that today was only a step forwards in my consciousness journey. Today I only "found" my true self. I only managed to genuinely grasp what the self exists as but I have not gotten close to being it yet as a human individual. I still recognize that merging with the true self will require significantly more work and years in order to truly live without ego or lower self.

That's all for today, see you again tomorrow.

[Extreme Z7]

<08-04-16>
Noticing My Distractions
 

I find that I've actually been coming out of a transition over the past month. A transition from a majority of my time in distraction to a majority of my time noticing how distracted I am. I'm just astounded by how simple things like playing with my pet cats everyday has become a huge distraction in my life. I've noticed how drastic the changes in my life have been and just how deep my lack of conscious awareness really was. It goes so deep that even 5 paragraphs of explaining isn't going to convey just how deeply I've been a slave to all these distractions and how I'm still struggling from removing them almost completely from my life.

I'm not going to write too much today because I want to continue trying to lessen the amount of distraction I have today. See you tomorrow.

[Extreme Z7]

<08-06-16>
Falling Back To Old (Positive) Habits

Just as I have the tendency to fall into distractions, I find myself trying to go back to old habits that are giving positive results in my life. Last week, for example, I fell off my sketching habit and made a lot of excuses why I can delay a certain drawing idea I have on my head so I can do something else "important" like you know, play at the mall arcade instead. Now, I'm going back to having my productive habits again only now I'm trying to approach them from a different angle. There's a really nice post @Leo Gura made that I read a week ago that has helped me over the past days. Here it is:

 

This advice has helped me over the past week and I have a feeling that it will continue to help me not only for the next months but probably even the next years. First of all, it would mean that I wouldn't need to be whipping myself into a frenzy to get any results in life, I think this is one of the things that let me fall off track in the first place because I get so exhausted and that makes me more attracted to low consciousness distractions. Secondly, it also means that I really shouldn't expect having the big results I want very early and instead expect the really good stuff many years down the line. This would require intense patience which I certainly have, or at least more than the average person.

Big thanks to Leo for this wonderful insight. That's all for today and. . . oh wait I almost forgot. . .

I finished a new pixel art animation today. I started it yesterday but I didn't have the time to finish animating it then so here it is now. . .

I'd love to hear some feedback. Feel free to let me know what you think.

[Extreme Z7]

<08-07-16>
Escapism
 

Today I wanted to spend the Sunday telling myself that I'm going to pursue activities that have nothing to do with work or anything uncomfortable and instead aim for stuff that relaxes me and makes me feel more prepared for the next week. Instead, I spent my time engaging in escapism and subconsciously trying to escape my boring everyday life. Funny thing is, though, that I used to do this EVERYDAY. This was kind of my normal regular day even before I discovered personal development is that I just spent the entire day entertaining myself with internet, games, etc. Nowadays, I've gotten enough progress in that my regular day is mostly personal development work (i.e. meditation, mindfulness, massive action, etc.) and the days where I engage in escapism are pretty much scheduled and planned. I still have a lot of room to improve though, and in fact I see that even just spending one day trying to escape my everyday emotional problems is already a big hurdle in my personal development journey. I want to not squander as much free time as possible in order to reach higher stages of self-actualization as quickly as possible and I find that even one day of escapism a week can already be a limiter to my self-actualization journey.

I'll see how I can deal with this problem in the coming days. That's all for today's report, see you tomorrow!

[Extreme Z7]

<08-08-2016>
Transforming My Consciousness One Day At A Time

To be honest, I kind of want the above sentence to be the new title for my journal but I don't know how to change it. Oh well! Whatever . .

 

Today, I pondered on just how much I am attached to stimulation and distraction in my daily life that I pretty much decided that I was going to cut close to 90% of the "quick pleasure" habits I have so I can live more consciously. I also did this because I've reached a point in my self-actualization journey where I really don't want to keep suffering anymore. I have so much suffering in my life that it'd be pretty ridiculous if I just squander the time I have in distracting myself instead of working towards removing things that increase my suffering.

First and foremost, I want to target my cravings and desire. These things I find definitely increase my level of suffering because my attachment to certain stimulus creates suffering from the fact that they are always temporary and usually very short even so whenever I get into a mood of stimulation, I suffer when I crash back into reality to face the problems I keep having in my life.

Today, I listened to no music, no games, and watched very little YouTube content. I'm not going to a puritan though, I'm not going to give up hedonistic pleasures entirely, it's not the pleasure itself that causes the suffering. It's the desire/craving that I want to remove because I've noticed that its usually ego-based and is the cause of the suffering. The actual pleasure itself doesn't really matter, I can just feel it the same way I try to experience everything else in life, with mindfulness as pure as I can let it be.

I'll probably be focusing on other causes of suffering in my life in future days but for now, I want to keep my focus on just this one target.

[Extreme Z7]

<08-09-2016>
Taking Careful Steps
 

I haven't completely abandoned my old stimulation-based lifestyle, I still have remnants of the life I'm trying to abandon lurking in my subconscious and today I've had a combination of conscious simple awareness and getting into old distracting habits. I'm making good progress and my level of awareness and willpower have increased high enough that I'm able to control myself so much more than I've ever been able to do in the past.

I have to take careful steps, though, in order to make this work as smoothly as possible. Its still very easy for me to get distracted especially when there is a lot of monkey chatter and little room for mindfulness. This is a very significant era in my life for me because now it feels that I'm taking direct control for the transformations that slowly occur in my life. Now, I don't have to keep asking myself too many questions about what I'm supposed to do and what do I have to do in certain times to feel a certain way. The answers to those questions can just be "Try to be as conscious as possible. Be careful, don't get distracted".

[Extreme Z7]

<08-10-2016>
Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better
 

Lesser Escapism, Higher Mindfulness. This is kind of the trend I've been seeing in my life over the past days. Progress is still fairly slow, though, and I still engage in a lot of escapist behavior but I've basically reached a point where I recognize just how my psyche wants to escape my regular life with all its worries and difficulties and that's actually been helping me reduce my level of anxiety. I still do have anxiety but compared to just months ago, I could see that the path and habits I'm installing really do give tangible results.

I do have to sacrifice a lot of unconscious behavior in order to keep myself on track and it's putting me in more and more of a state of mind that requires more patience and determination because of the increased exposure to my undesired life situations. Less escapism means spending more time having to deal with the problems I'm trying to escape from so the level of awareness required from me just keeps increasing. Thankfully, my meditation and contemplation habits have definitely given me more mental ammunition in order to handle these life transitions better.

A still have a LOT of room to grow, though. I am nowhere near living what I would consider a good lifestyle, let alone extraordinary. Things have to get worse before they get better, though, so I just gotta keep my faith and keep on movin'.

Edited August 10, 2016 by Extreme Z7

[Extreme Z7]

<08-11-2016>
Being Productive and Persisting Through The Boredom
 

I'm not sure if I should stop listening to music whenever I'm working on a project. I'm not sure if it makes me less or more productive. It's likely that it doesn't even affect my performance at all in my case based on what I've observed. I have been trying to challenge myself to work on my indie game project while not listening to any music recently. It's boring as fuck but if I push through and spend an hour and half of work without listening to any tunes, I kind of feel good about myself (or maybe it's just happiness from the fact that I can finally stop the boring task and go do something else.)

Oh heck, maybe this topic isn't really that important anyway. Does it really matter if I try to stimulate myself while I work on something important to me? As long as I keep doing the work consistently and passionately, nothing else really matters that much.

That's all for today, see you again tomorrow.

[Extreme Z7]

<08-12-2016>
Out With The Old, In With The New-ish
 

I've cut a lot of 'fat' from my average daily schedule and now I'm starting to feel less constrained a little more free to spend time doing things that require more consistent practice. My drawing habit is something I find I can do for a few hours everyday now. I even decided to draw at the library today just because I had the time. I'm still nowhere near getting to become what I consider an effective and productive artist but I'm persistent and I'll get there eventually. Also, I've had more time to read books or just sit around do nothing and just observe my surroundings as quietly as I can be.

There is still a lot more room to grow though, I still fall into some of my escapist entertainment habits every now and again and a large chunk of my day is still dedicated to family and academic issues that I don't really care about dealing with.

Still, I'm seeing progress. Oh well, can't complain with what I've gotten so far in this personal development journey.

[Extreme Z7]

<08-14-2016>
Laziness

[Extreme Z7]

<08-15-2016>
Hard Work
 

After these past several months, I'm only still grasping just how much hard work is required to really transform one's life. Little by little, I grasp just how much effort in the future days, weeks, months, and years will be required to get to the self-actualization goals on the horizon.

The video below was a quick eye-opener for me regarding the path of hard work. I'm talking about the part in the video which talks about how a simple commitment of drawing everyday is all you need to make drastic improvements, BUT it will take years of strong consistency and there isn't any other better options. Basically, the right path is a deceptively simple yet very demanding path to follow. Thank the gods I don't have to be running around in circles like most people in the modern age. I'm taking the slow, challenging, difficult, but also exciting and rewarding uphill climb to freedom.

 

Edited August 16, 2016 by Extreme Z7