Upgrading To The Maximum Level In Life

[Extreme Z7]

<06-17-16>
I Guess I Should Have Expected This To Happen In My College Work?

 

1. College Work
   I didn't do any. I just couldn't muster the motivation to do it. If you've followed my journal for a while, you might know that I hate doing my college work. Being a computer science major, these projects take a lot of time and focus and I personally find no meaning or joy in actually doing my computer science projects, that's probably one of the reason's why I want use my coding skills on my indie game ideas. Anyway, hopefully tomorrow will be different, if not then there's still Sunday. You know, this lack of urgency isn't helping I think.
2. Entertainment
   Because I didn't have much work today, my mind automatically got attracted to the easiest task possible. Basically, I spent most of the day just sitting watching YouTube videos. Really entertaining and informative videos, mind you but I still was fundamentally procrastinating. At least I actually got some reading and drawing done but because I spent so many hours watching video content, I really could have spent more time with them. Today's outcome feels like sort of the opposite of what I had yesterday.
3. Reading
   I read a few articles from http://www.uncoveringlife.com/. This site has some really profound content on enlightenment and non-duality. I really recommend you check it out. I also re-read the introduction to Robert Greene's "33 Strategies of War". Still, I think I could have done more reading. Hopefully, I get to procrastinate less tomorrow.
4. Drawing
   I didn't really draw anything impressive or even I would call, creative. But I guess if I did some today, it still counts. Just like meditation for beginners.
5. Music/Sound Design
   I have done nothing of the sort today
6. Meditation and Awareness
   Instead of my normal meditation routine, I instead decided to re-listen to an audio version of Leo's "Enlightenment Guided Inquiry" episode while sitting with my back straight and eyes closed as if I were meditating. So I just tried to sit there listening to the episode and doing all the little subtle directions and actions the was asked in the video. Result: Meh. . . I'll just stick with normal quiet meditation.

 

[Extreme Z7]

<06-18-16>
Power Outage Today, All Day.
 

1. College Work
   Man, what a perfect excuse not to do any boring computer science projects today! There was a power outage today until 5:30 pm. I've decided I won't decide to get back to working on it until this Monday, I plan to work on my horror game collaboration tomorrow. It shouldn't take a while to make those jumpscares. Anyway, I'm going to compensate for today by spending time reading javaScript tutorials, I need to learn web development stuff for my college work.
2. Entertainment
   I sat and watched my pet kittens play around, climb stuff, and hide around some grass in my front yard. I chased them around occasionally. Does that count as entertainment?
3. Reading
   I spent a few hours reading Robert Greene's "33 Strategies of War". Also, I'm still reading http://www.uncoveringlife.com/
4. Drawing
   Damn, I drew quite a bit today. Okay, I spent a LOT of my time drawing today, it was really enjoyable. Man, my place should have more power outages. Or actually no, I don't want to be forced to be creative or feel like I have no choice. I just want to be able to have the free time to do it.
5. Music/Sound Design
   None today but as I said, tomorrow will be dedicated to this.
6. Meditation and Awareness
   I meditated for two hours today. Yep, but not consecutively, I had two 1 hour sessions. Man, Leo wasn't kidding, spending your day constantly busy is miserable compared to spending a large chunk of your day meditating. I didn't really feel happy but I had glimpses of levels of acceptance with the present moment that I've never been in before. Something tells me my future with meditation is going to quite something. . .
    

That's all for today. Thanks for reading. . . oh and I drew a new comic strip in my sketchbook. I'll upload it to my deviantArt page tomorrow.

[Anna Konstantaki]

thanks for sharing uncoveringlife.com- just started reading and it´s great

[Extreme Z7]

@Anna Konstantaki The website author's book "Refuting The External World" also seems interesting. You can check that out too.

[Extreme Z7]

<06-19-16>
Father's Day 2016
 

1. College Work
   I'm uhhh. . . working on some web development stuff. I guess that counts for something.
2. Entertainment
   I watched quite a lot of short videos ranging from 3 to 5 minutes. Mostly Gravity Falls-related. I guess, YouTube's recommendation algorithms are just doing their job
3. Reading
   Continued reading Robert Greene's "33 Strategies of War". It is a MASSIVE book. It's the largest book I have. I have feeling I'm going to be mentioning reading it for a very long time
4. Drawing
   Today I uploaded the comic I finished yesterday to my deviantArt page. You can check my art out if you want to. Just know that I'm still . . . well let's say. . . "learning". I also drew a "Happy Father's Day" message on one of my sketchbook pages to show my dad today. My mom also cooked this lovely meal for lunch to celebrate the occasion.
5. Music/Sound Design
   I'm continued my collaboration work with some guy on GameJolt. All he wants from me are a few sound effects. Making sound effects, for me, is pretty easy but also quite fun. Producing music, though, is a completely different challenge I find. Good thing, my only job was to make some SFX.
6. Meditation and Awareness
   I spent 2 hours today in meditation, again. Leo's new video seems to be a theme that has been running in my day since I doubled my meditation time since yesterday. Before, I used to neurotically try to take "control" of my life in order to change a lot of things in my life, with this new way of living, however, I feel a large portion of my stress and anxiety just melt away! Or maybe it's just the fact that I have not worked that much recently. Probably both.

[Anna Konstantaki]

Let me guess... No entry yesterday because of another power out?

[Extreme Z7]

@Anna Konstantaki Nope, I unconsciously wasted 4+ hours yesterday browsing deviantArt (Not joking). So I decided to spend the rest of the day with my laptop off to balance things out. I even told myself I wouldn't make the journal entry for the day.

I'm back now though. To be honest, I'm really surprised someone noticed. Like, I know that you may also be checking out my journal, but still, I didn't expect even you to notice.

[Anna Konstantaki]

[Extreme Z7]

<06-21-16>
New Life Purpose Trajectory?

“Miss one day of practice, I notice; miss two, the critics notice; miss three, the audience notices” -Franz Liszt

"Miss one day of journaling, I notice; I miss two, the. . . what? the audience has already noticed? well crap" -Me
 

I don't feel like what I did today was very significant. Yesterday, I decided to refrain from using my laptop on about 4:30pm yesterday after spending way too much just enjoying myself with random stuff I stumble upon on the internet and mostly deviantArt. (If you're wondering how could I possibly spent a lot of time on deviantArt, that site has literary as well as visual content you know. . .). Basically, the experience after that gave me a lot of time to think and be aware.

I decided to meditate for my first hour of sitting in my room without using my laptop. Then I lay down on my bed for a while not knowing what to do next. My mind wandered into my life purpose. I remember making an entry in this very journal a while back claiming that I have analyzed my way to figuring out my life purpose. Long story short, I concluded that I should work on games, drawing but mostly on music as my life purpose.

 

No, that's still not it, that was not my life purpose. I can't possibly have multiple life purposes as well, that just doesn't seem right. I need to find my core. Only then can I find true focus.
 

To be honest, I got really tired at focusing on multiple hobbies at once. Yes it's actually common to have multiple projects at the same time. Right now I have an indie game as a main goal but I draw comics on my sketchbook at the side and I occasionally help people on the GameJolt forums. But ultimately, I feel like I need a main goal, a "center" on which to converge to (or 'diverge'? I'm not sure of the meanings of those words).

Chasing what I DO in life versus what I FEEL does not make feel joy for the future. I decided to lie in bed and REALLY try to figure out what I'm authentically passionate about. I've done and sampled all these stuff in the past year, Game Development, Music Production, Drawing. NONE of them seem like they target the core of who I am. As I lay in bed, I decided to try to think of how all these different influences in my life have affected me emotionally and shaped me in the past. I decided to re-access my childhood memories and try to imagine what kind of life goal would be actually worth pursuing.

Music - nope. When I labeled it as my main life purpose in the last entry where I talk about life purpose, I was still highly influenced by ego and my awareness was still to low to avoid overworking and do some real introspection work

Games - nope. I find the majority of the games industry to be one big blob of unconscious behavior and I really can't help but think about my own game ideas also being influenced by this problem of unconsciousness. If I pursue game development as a main goal, I will surely regret it.

Drawing - nope. I just am not interested enough to master the skill of drawing just for the sake of it.

BUT YET, I still enjoy doing my creative hobbies and find meaning in some aspects of them. Something is definitely up here. Maybe something "hidden underneath"?

Funny thing, after thinking about it in bed for about 10 minutes, my mind literally exclaimed "I don't know! Maybe that's it? Maybe that IS the answer I've been looking for "I don't know!". I just do creative hobbies for the sake of it and the thrill of having no idea of where it will take me. I don't know. . . maybe that has been my life purpose all along?!!!" This is complete nonsense of course. It turned out to be pure monkey mind garbage.

I decided to continue lying in bed some more. I held a pillow over my eyes as if to shut out the outside world. I needed to think about my life more holistically. What is it I'm actually authentically obsessed about in life? Then a word wondered into my mind that hit me.

Cartoonist
                                                                           
                                                                                                                         Cartoonist

                                     
                               I, a Cartoonist?!!

                                                                                                                                Doesn't have a bad ring to it. . .

I've loved cartoons ever since I was a kid and I've never been obsessed about them than I've ever been today! CARTOONS HAVE BEEN STARING ME AT THE FACE THIS WHOLE TIME. A lot of my favorite video games of all time have western cartoon influences. I spent a lot of my time as a kid enjoying cartoons on TV. I've already even begun drawing cartoons of my own that I'm only beginning to really take seriously. Even the art style of my current indie game has its roots on western-cartoon inspired video game, Crash Bandicoot. MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY and thought process is pretty influenced by cartoon themes. People don't know (and even I didn't realize this for myself at the time) that the way I act and I talk and even talk to myself in my head is very influenced by cartoon behavior. In short, I sometimes act in a very silly way and its been influenced by my love for cartoon fiction.

It's what has kept me different from the common folk. It's my childhood roots. It's the one and only remaining source of joy and opportunistic view of the world that is slowly under attack from the anxieties and distractions of modern society.

Now I found it. My center or my core, I'm sure of it this time. There are a lot of lessons from Leo that I have used to be able to reach this realization and I feel I'm going to be using a lot more to fulfill it. Now that I have my life purpose realized I can use it as a means to attract where my effort goes into. I must minimize working on too many things at once and focus aiming at my core. I still feel worried and I still feel doubtful but I recognize these feelings as part of the progress.

Sleep tight and be well. Buh-bye!


P.S. I want to draw the distinction between Drawing, Animation, and Cartoons. These three are very different things. One of the reasons why it took me so long to realize my life purpose was because I didn't make the distinction between Drawing, Animation, and Cartoons. I was terribly scared and still am of Drawing and Animation and because I thought that they were synonymous with Cartoons when in fact they weren't. This literally means that I can still work on games or music as long as I remember my core "Cartoon" life purpose. As long as it has influences on the shows and comics I love then, it's still a project that's worth working on for me. My current indie game is very influenced by slapstick cartoons, for example. Not to mention I have "Gaz the Ghastly Ghost", a comic I have been sketching on my sketchbook for the past month with a very cartooney art style.

That's all for now, this was another very long post from me and I thank you for reading it. Much love if you made it this far.
 

[MarkusR]

On 5/4/2016 at 3:22 PM, Extreme Z7 said:

 

 

On 5/4/2016 at 3:22 PM, Extreme Z7 said:

 

On 5/11/2016 at 2:54 PM, Extreme Z7 said:

On another note, let's talk spirituality. I don't think I'm ever going to reach enlightenment for another several years.

 

(Dont know how to delete these quotes :P). Several years?! buddy, I think its going to take a little longer than 2-3 years to reach enlightenment especially at your stage of life man. This is something that progresses extremely slowly, many never even reach enlightenment. Anyways, enlightenment is also akin to dying so I would not rush the fact . Good luck on your indie game though, hopefully it turns out great :)!

 

[Extreme Z7]

@MarkusR True, enlightenment could still be decades away, but man, I'm already feeling some really cool benefits from meditation. I've been getting really into focusing on awareness and breaking distinction between "favorable" and "unfavorable" things lately.

As for my indie game, it's the largest project I've worked on in my life, so far. Thanks a lot for supporting me! It means a lot!

[Extreme Z7]

<06-22-16>
My Life Is Precious

I'm starting to feel like I need to take my life and new found life purpose a lot more seriously. A little more faith and I can get this new piece of my life in tact just like meditation. Before I kept having doubts about where the trajectory of my life should go, now that that's cleared up, I don't want to waste it.

1. College Work
   Nothing
2. Entertainment
   Quite moderate again, nothing too time-wasting.
3. Indie Game Project
   Despite what I said about not working on the game for a month, I actually did work on my game today. Not only that, but I went overboard and overworked. . . again. It definitely was not a good idea. I'm happy to say, however, that tomorrow, I'll be back to my promise. I really need time to focus on other things in my life. I'm dedicated to finishing this project by more importantly, I need to live in the moment.
4. Reading
   Didn't have the motivation to read today.
5. Drawing
   I finished drawing another new comic of "Gaz the Ghastly Ghost" which I will upload to my deviantArt account tomorrow. I quite like the dialogue I wrote for the comic but I felt like I need to work more on my backgrounds. Anyway, I'll give a link to it tomorrow and you can judge it for yourself.
6. Music/Sound Design
   Nothing
7. Meditation and Awareness
   Because I overworked today, I actually spent most of the day feeling unconscious. Fortunately and quite ironically, I was aware of just how unaware I was all day. This is very different from how I was months ago where I'd just be unaware with no idea I was unaware. I only had time to meditate for 1 hour today instead of the 2 hours I've been doing since 4 days ago. Because I'll be going back to my game hiatus tomorrow, I'll likely spend 2 hours of meditation again and hopefully more time with awareness. I feel that is very important for me to feel good for the day. Right now, I don't feel good, I just feel dull and too tired to enjoy anything.
    

Anyway, that's all for today. Stay aware and thanks for reading.

[Extreme Z7]

<06-23-16>
What Is This Phenomenon I Feel In My Body?
 

1. College Work
   I spent more time learning about web development. I guess, I an also count it as a "Reading" activity as well because there was definetely a lot of that.
2. Entertainment
   A few YouTube videos and a half hour reading webcomics, nothing too distracting. Oh, and maybe a couple of Bob's Burgers episodes I watched via torrent. . . okay okay. . .3 episodes.
3. Reading
   Again, like I said, I basically had to read in order to learn about web development for the sake of my college education. I mean, it's not Uncovering Life or anything but it's something.
4. Drawing
   I've been thinking that it's been a long time since I've done digital art. I messed around with the new Krita 3.0 (It's a drawing program, 3.0 is a new recent version). Anyway, I tried drawing something with my computer mouse and I ended up with this little guy. Say hello to Gaz. . .
   
   
   If you've been following my deviantArt page, you probably know Gaz from the few comic strips I've been drawing in my sketchbook for a while now. Speaking of which, I have a new comic uploaded today as well.
5. Music/Sound Design
   Nothing
6. Meditation and Awareness
   I felt somewhat weird just recently today. It's like I've gained a slightly higher awareness for the emotions going on in the body than I normally do. Because I've spent a majority of my early years desensitizing myself from strong emotions through highly emotionally arousing video games and have spent most of my recent years doing unexciting work, I've felt really really bland and dull emotionally for the past years. I actually felt different today though, it's like simply because of heightened awareness and my recent focus on discipline and meditation, I've felt the emotional trips subtly arise as I ate dinner today. It just felt so liberating from the emotional dullness I always feel like I'm trying to escape. It could be a fluke but I don't want it to be, I really want the way I experience life and emotions to change drastically as I keep approaching my self-actualization.
    

[Extreme Z7]

<06-25-16>
Too Much Work Again

You may have noticed that I didn't write yesterday's journal entry. Yeah. . I plain forgot. . . whoops. . . It's okay, we all make mistakes.
 

1. College Work
   Uuuggghh. .  I feel like my eyes are going to fall off, I've been staring at the computer all day working on a certain college project. And damn, I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate trying to fix stubborn bugs that that take me hours to learn to fix. Bugs like those I actually encounter pretty rarely but when I do, I just feel frustration fill my soul. Anyway, I just recently fixed it but now I don't have time to work anymore so I need to go to bed.
2. Entertainment
   Couldn't afford to spend even an hour of entertainment, my brain wanted me to work work work.
3. Reading
   I uhhh. . . stared at a book page for half a minute, that's about it.
4. Drawing
   Now this I actually regret, I didn't give myself time to draw. I feel like this should now become a daily habit. I know I just made a neurotic 'should' statement but not pursuing something you love because of work reasons is neurotic and I need to learn to solve it. Maybe Leo's last video (Awareness is Curative) will really help me here
5. Music/Sound Design
   Nothing
6. Meditation and Awareness
   I meditated for about 50 minutes today instead of the 60 minute goal. It's still a pretty good number though, I shouldn't feel bad. 20 minutes is already a good meditation habit for most people anyway.
    

Oooh, Sunday tomorrow. Leo's going to upload a new episode. Whatsit goin' to be?

 

[Extreme Z7]

<06-26-16>
 Dealing With Lack Of Results

*This entry is simply going to be one big reference to Leo's latest video, "Be Fucking Patient!"*

1. College Work
   I've been spending the majority of my waking hours for the past week, working on a web development school project. I may be a little bit frustrated that I may not finish on time. It's simply important that I don't give up and be patient. Even if I don't get to finish on time, at least I learned a lot from working on it, knowledge that I could still potentially use to benefit myself in the future.
2. Entertainment
   Two Bob's Burgers Episodes and a Rick and Morty episode, yum yum. Plus, I'm going to play a flash game after writing this as desert.
3. Indie Game Project
   I didn't work on this today but I still want to mention it. Leo's latest video made me think about my indie game a lot. It made me re-think a lot of my expectations about it, particularly with how long the project is going to take. When I tried to think and be strategic, I saw that this game is going to a lot more significant that I first imagined. Which means that I'm going to have to dedicate a lot more time and emotional labor to make the vision I have for this game come true. I can't even begin to describe in this journal just how much I think this game is going to impact my life.
4. Drawing
   I drew some basic shapes and watched a few videos and carefully followed the instructions and tried to follow them accurately. I'll be honest, I would have never thought I would ever take drawing seriously on a "life purpose" level. I can't help but get the feeling that me starting my new drawing habit is very similar to when I first started meditating. That's because it probably is. Looking back when I first started meditation, I was terrible at it and I expected instant results. I remember the first time I meditated and I just wanted immediate relief from my emotional pains. Now I can't help but notice that as I'm drawing, I subconsciously want my drawing practice to have instant results which is just as unrealistic. If that's the case then the mindsets I've installed to keep myself on track on meditating may also work on drawing. I don't know but I'll give it a shot. I can't help but get the gut feeling that by doing this, I'm going to discover a whole new reality I've never even dreamed was possible. Just like, meditation.
5. Reading
   Not Much
6. Music/Sound Design
   Nothing
7. Meditation and Awareness
   I wanted to meditate for 2 hours today but I only ended up having time for 1 hour. That's actually still pretty good, as long as I did it, it still counts. Just have to keep that grind and keep applying that good 'ol 'patience salve' to any 'impatience or frustration' that I have to keep myself on track.

[edavis79]

My problem is for as long as I can remember I have been playing video games and watching tv. I can't imagine my life without them. All my cousins and friends did these things. It's normal for me. Even my dad who was in the air force for 20 years he plays lots of video games and has a huge collection of movies and tv shows. He's 65 and still continues to play his video games. He has a lot of books he hasn't read says he just can't concentrate to read more than a page or two. He's a writer has been writing he says 7 books for about 20 years now I'd say or longer. He works on this during the day and in the afternoon plays many video games. In the evening he watches his television shows or movies. I don't have many friends my dad lives downstairs in the same apartment building he is basically my social interaction so as you can imagine we both play several of the same games and so this gives us something to relate to each other. He also is somewhat on the positive side he says he's not addicted but just this does this tv and video games because he's retired and just a way to spend his day. Now I watched Leo's video on bad habits and I know I need to cut out the video games tv and movies that's harder it's what I do most and what my kids enjoy. I couldn't imagine not being someone who plays video games and watches tv. I've been groomed that you can learn life lessons from tv and video games. I know I should be spending more time doing cleaning, reading that I never have time for. I try to do it at night, but I stay up late watching tv and playing video games so that leaves me too tired to read. It usually takes me an average of 6 weeks to read one short 300 page book. Self help books well those I never finish I want to get better, but the work is difficult and hard to deal with my past. 

[Extreme Z7]

@edavis79 Oh, well uh. . . . good for you, I guess.

[Extreme Z7]

<06-27-16>
I'm Leaving Town For An Internship Tomorrow
 

I don't usually want to talk about my personal life aside from my goals and what I did for the day to try to get them. I don't want to talk about that today. Today, I just want to let you to know that I've taken a practicum college course that requires me to take an internship at a certain I.T. company. My chosen company just so happens to be in a different city from where I live. I'm leaving for the Cebu City, the city where the company is located, tomorrow and the company requires that  take a qualifying exam on Wednesday. If I don't pass this exam, I cannot take an internship this year and I have to drop the course. I feel kind of nervous and slightly anxious but also quite calm and confident inside. Wish me luck.

[Extreme Z7]

<06-30-16>
Guess Who's Finally Gotten Some MotherEffin' Wi-Fi?
 

Yeah, I've been internet deprived for the past few days after moving to a new residence that's close to my internship workplace. You know what the funny thing is? As much as I suffered some withdrawal symptoms after not having internet connectivity, now that I have internet, I actually don't even feel like I need to use the internet, at least for entertainment. I mean that will probably change in a few days but for now, all I want is to lay down in my comfy little bed and read an e-book.

Anyway, I'm may not go back to writing my journal entries in list form. They were making my everyday journal habit a lot easier and also a lot less creative. Speaking of creative, I had quite a bit of time to draw and I just uploaded a new drawing to my dA account:


That's all for today.

P.S.
Meditation Status:
June 28 - 1 hour meditation in 2 half-hour sessions.

June 29 -  2 hour meditation in 2 one-hour long sessions. Felt pretty good after the second one.

Today - One very difficult 1 hour long sit that required a lot of mindfulness and willpower. My ego was pushed to its limits.

Edited July 1, 2016 by Extreme Z7

[Extreme Z7]

<07-01-16>
Distraction vs. Willpower

Recently, I've become very mindful of how the activities I engage in for enjoyment, specifically easy activities like gaming or browsing the web, affects my mind and my overall performance for the day. Just a few minutes ago, I got this craving to go browse my deviantArt watch notifications for "a few minutes" before I immediately closed the tab because I was aware of how it would affect my performance on some other task I want to complete for the day, namely writing this journal entry then turning off my laptop to finish a drawing in my sketchbook that I started this morning. I still keep getting the urge to procrastinate though but I have a much stronger willpower than I used to have. Looks like that meditation habit is starting to kick in now in subtle ways.

I don't really have much else to write about today but I really want to reflect upon the history of my drawing skills. I've recently had a big rise in my drawing skills in the past week. Part of me wants to feel really ecstatic about this but even though I'm not, it still feels like a big accomplishment. I know my artwork still does not even compare to even the standard run-of-the-mill deviantArt but if my past 15 year old self were to see my drawing skills now, it would be unbelievable to him. I way too psychologically undeveloped back then and the problem was not that I sucked at drawing, it was that I was too emotionally immature to even embark on such a journey. Right now, I'm still having problems emotionally, I still have trouble trying to feel happy about my life, I have problems with stress and anxiety but all these are just problems in my current self-development stage.

That's all for today, hopefully I can complete this new drawing/sketch tomorrow. bye-de-bye!