Upgrading To The Maximum Level In Life

[Extreme Z7]

<05-13-16>

A Vision for the Future of this Journal

Sometimes I think I'm taking this journal business for granted. I know I'm supposed to use this journal as a means to monitor my progress in life but most of the time I feel like I'm just writing stuff that's on my mind rather than using it to motivate my self-growth. I feel like I'm too focused on writing the content that I'm mostly forgetting to, you know, do something that is worth writing about. Sometimes, I even feel too lazy to even really write about anything not always because of pure laziness but usually because I needed to get a lot of non-life-purpose work done and I feel too drained and exhausted by the end of the day to spend the 10 minutes necessary to write about something.

I'm very productivity-oriented which means I view every new task as a contestant in a queue. This journal just feels like a daily routine for me when I feel like I could be using as a reflection on how I decided to spend my time today. Time I will NEVER get back. At least I take my daily meditation habit seriously enough that I actually experience growth from it. But with this journal, I feel it is just another daily task that I do just because I committed without thinking about why I committed in the first place.

So what do I REALLY want for this journal? I want to feel inspired and motivated for the next day. I don't want to just write about what I thought or did today, they feel like memories I will quickly forget within a few days. I want to be able to spend everyday that I still write on this journal doing something that will inspire me to try harder or at least keep going the next day. What inspired me to have this idea? This photo I found.

Yep, that's good 'ol Gura himself with a huge stack of mostly non-fiction books. For the past month I've actually stopped reading books. Mostly because of a combination of laziness and distraction from college life and also just general distraction. And for the past week, I've had thoughts go past my mind about it but I just couldn't synthesize the motivation to read the books I have that I used to have when I first committed to saving money to buy books. Looking at this photo screamed something awake in me. It was the desire for knowledge that fell asleep from the long boredom of working on college requirements that I have no interest in even doing. And now it's jolted awake again.

Motivation and Inspiration are very transient things. In other words, they don't last very long. I think that's why it's  important I use this journal to start a cycle of write journal - get motivated for next day - write journal - get motivated for next day - write journal - get motivated for next day, rinse, lather, repeat.

I'm very lucky already that I even discovered Actualized.org and have this journal. I really don't want to feel like squandering it.

Edited May 14, 2016 by Extreme Z7
minor oopsie

[Extreme Z7]

<05-14-16>

Slice and Dice

So today I probably spent 25% of my energy working on my indie game, 25% on trying to revive my reading habit (I still haven't finished reading "Becoming Steve Jobs" because of my sudden pause of the habit), 25% trying to study, and now I want to spend the remaining 25% working a little bit more on my game before I watch some cartoons online before going to bed.

I'm trying not to push myself too hard today. That's part of the reason why I stopped reading, it was because I was so stressed out and overworking myself on all my college requirements combined with my daily routine and forcing myself to spend time practicing my creative hobbies. I still don't have a plan for what I want to do after college but I feel getting back to my sense of curiosity from the reading habit will help me a lot.

On another note, I've had an interesting idea yesterday that I forgot to mention. I've always been very indecisive when it came to choosing what type of meditation I want to do for the day. Most meditators, I think, can choose a single technique to try out repeatedly for a month or so but I can't. I always decide which technique I want to use just before the session and it always ends up with me losing track and switching to a different type of meditation that feels more comfortable. Not anymore though! I've decided to get myself a 6-sided dice (which I took from a board game) and everyday, right after I finish meditating, I throw the dice to determine what type of meditation I will do for the next day (so I can prepare if necessary).

Here is what I've decided which dice outcome results on which meditation technique

1. => Do Nothing Technique
2. => Zen Meditation
3. => Mindfulness Meditation
4. => Guided Meditation (I must also throw the dice a second time to tell which type of meditation I want to have guided for me. If I land with a 2 or 3 or 5, I do use their corresponding meditation technique but guided but if I end up with a 1 or 4 or 6, I end up doing a general guided meditation which focuses on no technique in particular).
5. => Neti Neti Method
6. => Strong Determination Sitting

That's it for today. I rolled a 3 today so that means I'm going to be doing a Mindfulness Meditation session tomorrow.

Edited May 15, 2016 by Extreme Z7

[Extreme Z7]

<05-15-16>

Knowing the Path, Searching for Where It Begins

Leo's knew video was mind-blowing for me. Not in an ecstatic sort of sense but in a more contemplative way. It shed light onto 90% of the bullshit that's going on in my life right now that I didn't even realize was there. Even before I began my actualization journey, I was already bombarding myself with new activities all the god damn time. And pretty much all of them involved the internet in some way. I spend a lot of my time doing various activities with my laptop and it never occurred that I was not giving myself space to actually do the thing that actually matters.

I can meditate all I want but as long as I keep having the next thing to do in my mind, and the next thing, and the next thing, and the next thing, how the hell I'm I ever going to really progress in life?

The video's message overall felt very bitter-sweet. It felt like tasting an ice-cream with an odd mix of delicious strawberry and toxic waste. But yet, it felt so deep and significant to me that I didn't even need to take that much notes. I only did near the end when Leo mentioned a list of key things that I should be interested in and only interested in if I want to live a non-chaotic and spacious life. Meditation, Contemplation, Learning, Enlightenment, Life Purpose, Mindful Action, Being. Fortunately, everything on this list I've tried out and experienced for myself the results they give. Unfortunately, I distract myself a lot from them, not only with entertainment but especially with my worries and anxieties and the wastes-of-time they make me.

I'm going to make a commitment now to really get my life into shape in a way that I can't even communicate in this journal but I will do it nonetheless.

[Extreme Z7]

<05-16-16>

Same Place, A New World

Today was probably the first day of my life where I have made a commitment to try to connect more to 'being' and less 'doing'. Let me tell you, despite my attempt being imperfect and actually not that great, it still felt surprisingly good. Normally, I would have spent all my free time today alone at my room working on various projects and distracting myself sometimes with music or the internet. But even just observing and walking around aimlessly for an hour today made me feel feelings of happiness that I've never felt in a long time. It feels like deja vu like I've felt this back in my childhood somehow. Contrast that to how I felt working for hours at a time and taking breaks by watching YouTube videos, it feels like I've discovered a whole new beautiful world that I've been ignoring for the past years.

To anyone reading this or even someone looking from the outside, it may not look like I'm living much. But let me tell you, deep down, I just feel freaking amazed by how wonderful 'being' actually feels like. And you know what? I don't think I've even scratched the surface of what a true life of 'being' actually is. I owe all this to Leo's recent episode "Lifestyle Minimalism" which inspired me to try and do less for the sake of 'being' more.

However, the experience was actually mostly flawed. While I had the free time to choose to do nothing, my mind kept having all these different thought stories on everything I could be doing and I tried my best to ignore it but ultimately I still fell back to it eventually but that's okay. I still have tomorrow. I found my mind also having negative emotions and reactions to this experience. Feelings of cravings to go do something. Even though, I tried my best to be mindful and be in the present moment, the negative emotions and cravings pretty much stayed for almost the entire experience.

So overall, it was an odd mix of subtle joy and weak but constant withdrawal symptoms. With enough work, I can only imagine what it will be like years down the line. This is Extreme Z7, until next time.

[Extreme Z7]

<05-17-16>

Hoo Boy, What a Day.

Total freaking chaos. I'm feel like I'm being stretched in all different directions. And it feels like it's been that way for months but am only now really seeing. This "Find the time to do nothing" mindset made me realize just how little free time I have to just be able to enjoy life as it is. I was able to find the time today to lie down in bed and just stare at the ceiling for about 1 and a half hour to keep doing this "do nothing" technique I've been thinking about lately, and it felt like one of the most difficult experiences to push through in my entire life. I barely even laid there for 30 minutes and my body already started having some involuntary squirming from the dire lack of stimulation.

So that was my morning, my afternoon was chaos. Even though, I tried to find time to try out more, "do nothing", I wasn't successfully able to find the time. Still had a lot of academic work to do but now that's done. All I want now is just a nice Ren and Stimpy episode then I'm going to bed.

[Extreme Z7]

<05-18-16>

Still Struggling With Distraction

I feel like I'm being just as overly distracted and unfocused today, productivity-wise, as I was 3 months ago. This is probably what personal development folks talk about called "just one of those days when you feel like you're not being as effective as you should be". I guess today really just wasn't destined to be a day where I really feel happy with what I did because I couldn't just get my mind to align with a single thing at a time.

I just can't focus on studying, or being mindful, or reading a book, or working on my indie game, my attention is just all over the place. I'm going to try to lie on my bed and do nothing for an indefinite amount of time after I finish some studying work. Maybe that will clear my mind a bit.

[Extreme Z7]

<05-19-16>

All I Need Is Presence Of Mind

Struggling to become present and in the moment was common theme for me today. Had to study a lot for tomorrow's test and I really struggled to really find the time to be mindful. But I still managed to do it, eventually. Right now, I'm drawing with a mindset to try to be as present as I can while I do it and not to get lost on thoughts that lessen my level of happiness. Although I still kinda wish it wasn't this difficult but that's a different topic.

That's all I have for today, I wish I had more but I really don't and I just need to be aware and accept it for what it is.

[Extreme Z7]

<05-20-16>
I Don't Want To Be A Rotting Fish

I had a big exam today. It was a big one and studying for it and then taking it made me feel really exhausted. I don't want to talk about that today. though. I worry too much about academic life but something I haven't really gotten my finger onto yet is exactly why. . . I used to tell myself that it's probably because I don't want to fail but that's an unsatisfactory reason, I think. I mean so what if I fail a test, I'm not doing so bad that doing so would be dire.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that actually, I'm pretty much just scared of leaving college altogether. I feel too uncertain of what exactly is going to happen in my life outside college whether I graduate or not. It just feels scary to think about how little I know about what's going to happen. I've been living life under a safe shade for waaay too long ever since my birth and inevitably I'm going to have to leave it and I don't think it's going to feel good exactly.

Doesn't mean that I'm not going to do it, though. To tell you the truth, I hate living under this safe roof my parents have kept me in for so long. I want to be able to see what's out there and take risks and live by my own values but I find that's going to take incredible emotional pain to get too. I still feel like I'm not yet ready for that pain, but as soon as possible, I'm going to have to develop the courage for it. It's either that or stagnation. And I want to become a fuller human being, not a rotting fish.

[Extreme Z7]

<05-21-16>
Man, I'm Glad My Life Is Difficult

In a sense, I can kind of tell that I've gotten deep into personal development because all my imaginations about it being a fun and happy blast through moments of ecstasy have basically vanished. I say this because I remember reading something from Leo before about real personal development is not the happy sunshine and flowers most self-help books tout it to be. Instead, it's a very painful and sometimes actually depressing journey. And the more I work on myself, the more I find that my life actually becomes less exciting and actually a lot more painful. Although, weirdly enough, it feels like a non-issue, because I've worked on myself so much that I've basically gained a tolerance for all these negative side-effects although it's still not a perfect tolerance. Part of me still really wants the pain to end.

Another weird thing is that this new life of living less stimulated and more depressed, in a sense, actually feels a lot more alive than it was before. It's like the intense strain I experience now on a day-to-day basis makes me a lot more alert and connected towards life.

This journey also is starting to feel like just that, a journey. An adventure with the intent of pure discovery and authentic curiosity. Even though, I may not feel fully alive yet, I'm  still at least making steps and just being continually amazed by all the profound truths about life I keep discovering.

Although, I still haven't gotten any of the material or financial rewards that's also one of the goals of this journey, they ultimately just feel like lesser goals which is probably why I'm not really spending so much time thinking about it. Unlike say, passion, awareness, and a love for life. And oh man, I've been thinking about love for life quite a bit today. Imagining what it would be like to actually KNOW love and be in a place with love. I'm not talking about petty relationship with the opposite sex, obviously, I'm talking about the spiritual kind of love. I probably won't ever experience that for myself while I'm still not enlightened, so I have a lot of work to do.

So those are my thoughts for today. It seems today I've rambled on about personal development and I feel really inspired to keep trying and to keep trying to do it better than the day before.

On another note, I made a couple of comic strips in the past week and I thought I'd upload it to DeviantArt. It's based on a random doodle that I made of a ghost I drew a few days ago. Introducing Gaz the Ghastly Ghost Comic.
I'd really appreciate it if you check them out. Links Below.
http://extremez7.deviantart.com/art/Gaz-the-Ghastly-Ghost-001-A-Time-to-be-Alive-610301646

http://extremez7.deviantart.com/art/Gaz-the-Ghastly-Ghost-002-The-Sophisti-cat-610303217

[Extreme Z7]

<05-21-16>
Trying to Distinguish Between Real Distraction and Real Productivity

This is something I've been trying to do for the past week, mostly because of the ending semester. This semester has just been complete noise and chaos that the clearing I'm now getting from the lessening amount of requirements are letting me see more of what actually matter and what doesn't. I've been trying to do a lot of spontaneous "Do Nothing" sessions recently to be able to think and contemplate what is it I actually have to do in life to really make some progress. What I found is that I have a few unquestioned mindsets and habits that I first thought was productivity but was actually distraction and also habits and mindsets that I didn't used to have which I thought would be a waste of time turn out to be actually pretty productive for me in various ways. Here's a brief rundown of the realizations I has with this:

• Focusing a lot on my computer science major and spending hours doing all the projects and requirements turns out to be nothing but distraction even though it might seem like actual productivity at first. I actually had this realization while walking on the sidewalk and I stopped and stood still for about 5 seconds because it really hit me. There's actually a lot of details I'm not going to get into here that make this realization very true for me. But in a nutshell, this college major that I'm trying to complete is actually barely even serving my life purpose at all. So even if I do actually pass all my courses and do really good, it ultimately means nothing for my progress in life. Why do I even bother to try to be really good at it?
• Actually forcing myself to lie down quietly on my bed for very long moments of time with no stimulation whatsoever turns out to be one of the most valuable and productive habits I've tried so far. Its so radically counter-intuitive and radically different to my strategy when I first started doing personal development of trying to spend all of my time doing something. Even when I wasn't working, I would be frantically searching for something to entertain me before I would get back to doing some random work. And you know what? That kind of strategy felt like hell. This new strategy, however, feels more on the line of "constantly trying to hold back and tame a wild dog". In other words, now it feels like I'm constantly struggling with something within me that refuses to change. Contemplation and mindfulness seem to be trick to trying to tame this wild dog.

Okay, that's it for today. I would like to write more but I'm already to tired and sleepy to keep writing. I'll be back again tomorrow.

<Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I spent money on three new books today. I'll talk about them tomorrow,>

[Extreme Z7]

<05-23-16>
Gotta Take A Break Sometimes

Today's just one of those days I just don't feel like writing about anything. I did get some decent work done and a meditation session that almost felt like I was close to getting an actual enlightenment experience (although, I can't be 100% sure). But ultimately, right now, I just feel very tired and I don't think I did anything today worthwhile to talk about.

I guess I should mention that I've forgotten about drawing for the past few days. Maybe I should just keep that in mind for tomorrow so that I can get back on track with it.

So that's it for today I guess, just a simple re-commitment to get back to mastering something relating to my life purpose.

Oh whoops, yeah, I know last entry I said I was going to talk about the three new books I bought. I guess I'm delaying that for another day. Heh, petty procrastination. What can I do about it?

[Extreme Z7]

<05-24-16>
*snap* WAKE UP, SELF!

NOTE TO SELF: I DO NOT WANT TO WASTE THE FREE TIME I GET FROM THE UPCOMING SEMESTER BREAK BEING OVERLY BUSY, SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON ENTERTAINMENT, OR BEING OFF TRACK FROM AWARENESS.
 

I wanted to really make that reminder to myself clear today because I felt like today was wasted. A few minutes ago, I re-watched Leo's video "Lifestyle Minimalism: Renouncing Your Busy Schedule" ironically as background while I do more work on my indie game. And I really got a sense that what I did today was not the kind of day where I actually felt satisfied and happy with. Instead, my mind kind of ran around like a gerbil, I spent a lot of time watching YouTube videos about games or cartoons that put me in comfortable unaware states for close to 20 minutes per video. Half of the day, my mind was stuck in monkey thoughts and imaginations. And I spent most of today, working on my indie game, which is really good but I couldn't help but do it while multitasking which really kills a lot of my focus and really slows down my level of productivity with it. I really don't like it when I feel I spent twice as long on something as it should have.

I'm going to make a commitment to remember that note to self I wrote on the top. (In fact, I'm going to write it down somewhere so I can read it offline) I've never actually experienced a really fulfilling vacation in my life ever. Before self-actualization, I was extremely relaxed and comfortable, and that didn't work because it was mostly just being in distraction. During self-actualization, which is where I am now, I became erratic, extremely busy, and overstressed, which not only doesn't work but it actually feels way worse than when I was lazy. And of course, it's also being in distraction most of the time.

So this basically means that in order to not feel like I wasted the next few months, I'm going to really have to do a lot of anti-distraction or awareness work. I maybe have to re-watch Leo's "Lifestyle Minimalism" video multiple times, to really sink this in and to really prevent squandering the wisdom I've gained from him over the past months.

<-Anyway, with that out of the way, Let's REALLY talk about the new books I've bought->

• The Road Less Traveled by M.Scott Peck M.D.
  This one was a real surprise for me to find. This is one of the books Leo mentions in one of his videos although I can't remember which. I pirated a pdf of this book a few months back to read but I never actually finished it. But imagine my surprise when I came across this book in my local bookstore.
  
  If you turn the book around to read the text on the back, the first sentence you'll likely see is "Life is difficult". I'm sure this is going to be a very profound and motivational book. Can't wait.
• Confucious: The Analects, Translated with an Introduction and Commentary by Annping Chin
  I'll be honest, I know little about Confucius. He's some chinese man some people know, and I'm an ignorant fuck. I bought this book out of high curiosity. I don't want to live the life of the 40-year old bloke with a stick up his ass because he thinks he's age excuses him from taking learning very seriously. I'm 19 and I kind of picture myself in my 40's as having the same curious and ignorance-conscious attitude towards the world and feeling excited to keep discovering things in the adventure that is life.
• The Architecture of Happiness by Alain de Botton

           The title was originally what drew me to taking a look at the book while it was at the shelf but the reason I bought it was actually because of the author. I haven't read a book by Alain de Botton before but I have seen him around various YouTube content before. He runs a YouTube channel called "The School of Life" where you can see various short films and animations about. . .  well. . . life. And I've watched some quite intriguing talks he's made about topics about life but mostly about happiness and the state of modern society. He's a really wonderful thinker who I admire. Can't wait to get to reading this book.

But. . . there's a minor thing I have to deal with first before I can actually start getting to any of these books, and that's that I haven't finished reading "Becoming Steve Jobs" yet. Man, it's a really thick book (although, not as thick as Robert Greene's "30 Strategies of War"). Can't wait to finish it though because I feel like these are some of the best books I've bought so far.

[Extreme Z7]

<05-25-16>
WORK WRK WK

Sad to say the next few days are going to be close to impossible for me to really stay aware, awake and satisfied. I have a lot of requirements I still need finish for this college and my mind won't make me rest until I've finished them all. If I'm lucky and I be properly strategic, I'll be done by next week. This semester break is close to 2 months. The moment I do get the free time and space to breath, I'm going to goddamn breath and exhale as slowly and mindfully as I can. (While still working on my indie game, of course.)

Tomorrow is predicted to be another chaotic day for me, wish me luck.

[Anna Konstantaki]

good luck

[Extreme Z7]

@Anna Konstantaki Thank You. Now I better get off the internet, it only increases the chaos.

[Extreme Z7]

<05-26-16>
What's This? Do I See A Green Pasture In The Horizon?

Okay guys, I can feel things are clearing up a little bit. I finally have slightly more free time and more importantly, more free space for my mind to breath (Thank God). I still have a load of requirements to complete but after a lot of work. I've chopped an entire third from it and the remaining 2/3 don't have to be completed so urgently so I can schedule them more freely.

I can feel my mind going "Okay Okay, this is your chance to feel as calm and happy as you can in a long time, don't mess this up" which I honestly think is quite hilarious. Ultimately, it's going to matter based on how I properly schedule my daily routine without college being too much of a hindrance. Here's some basic things I want to remember for each day. (And I'm probably going to write this down to and stick it to a wall just like I did in entry <05-24-16>)
 

1. If I work too much in a day on college projects, I'm going to be bored out of my mind not to mention I'm going to be too stressed to be happy and my mind is probably going to counter it with equally distracting entertainment. Speaking of which. . .
2. I have to really watch how much time I spend on entertainment particularly video content which I've gotten addicted to over the past years because they're so easy to just click and watch and relax. That's not the only entertainment distraction though, I sometimes spend hours just browsing art on deviantArt because the variety and sometimes emotional triggers from the art attracts me to it. I don't really play video games as often anymore but I still have to watch it with that one, sometimes I waste several minutes playing a video game I don't enjoy and don't realize I don't enjoy until an hour and a half has passed by.
3. I personally want to really focus on making a lot of progress on my indie game. I shouldn't overwork myself on it and there's a big possibility that that could happen each day because I really love working on it, unlike my college projects. Still, I think it's also equally dangerous that I neglect to spend enough time on it because it's a big project and if I don't put a lot of hard work on it, it will never be finished.
4. Books! . . . . . . .  books books books books books books books books books Books! .  . . . . . I love them, I personally think that you can't ever spend too much time reading books.
5. Oh shit, I just remembered. Drawing! I've had a surprising amount of fun drawing lately. I've had more fun drawing cartoon characters and funny comics in my sketchbook than I had working on making electronic music. Again, speaking of which. . .
6. I really have to take a break from making electronic music. That's probably because I tried to neurotically work myself really hard when I had that electronic music habit which I'm probably going to take a break from. Besides, what I would really want right now for music is to take a break from music production (which is the computer and sound-design area of musical work) and to learn how to play a musical instrument, particularly the piano. But I'm not going to do that this semester break, I have no time for it. I'm going to have to say no to it entirely until further notice from Mr. Strategy Guy in my head.
7. Awareness and Meditation, I still don't know how much time I need to allocate for awareness. It's a very tricky thing to work on because the rewards from it are not directly tangible which makes it even more difficult to convince the mind of its value. Also, contemplation is a subset of this. And I mean real quiet contemplation with as little distraction and desires for other activities as possible. Me just dumping my thoughts into this journal does not count as quiet contemplation. This is what I would call, the real "long term" part of this plan. So long term that it's probably going to bleed into life even after the semester break is over.

That's all for now. I changed my mind, by the way. I'm not going to write this all down, it ended up way longer than I expected. I'll just to commit to re-reading what I wrote here in case I forget this plan. Okay, that's it. I'm going to give myself a signal to get started. Ready? Set. . . GO!

[Extreme Z7]

<05-27-16>
Unexpected

Damn, I should have known trying to implement what I wrote on yesterday's entry was going to be a lot harder than I thought. I knew that there was going to be difficulty, but I didn't know it was going to feel borderline impossible! Like I thought that even something like lessening the amount of entertainment for today would be easy as pie. But no, trying to do that turned out to bring up more resistance than expected. Hell, I even plan to just sit back and watch some more video content after I write this entry because I don't feel like doing anything else. Also, I thought I could do working on my indie game, and reading, and drawing really well during one day but I only ended up finishing two of those goals. As it turns out, I'm going to have to lessen the expectations I have each day for how productive I can be because right now they're a bit too high.

On the bright side of today though, I still got a lot of reading done and I finally finished reading "Becoming Steve Jobs" so I can finally start reading a new book by tomorrow, Thank God. Also, I got a lot of focused work done on my indie game. It's not the fact that I got a lot of work done that I'm proud of, it's the fact that I remained mostly focused. Still, I wasn't perfect at it, I had a lot of room to improve but ultimately that's the kind of focus I want when I work so I don't waste hours procrastinating.

That's it for today, Something tells me trying to spend my free time this break properly is going to be of critical significance to me so I better up my focus tomorrow. Can't get myself to lose some of the most valuable time I have. (Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch The Amazing World of Gumball or something)

[Extreme Z7]

<05-28-16>
Work or Want?

I decided to rethink my mindset towards my free time this semester break. It turns out I can't really keep on track on my 7 goals I wrote as a plan because of limited time but I can try to simply chase what is going to make me feel happy the most. And it turns out I'm going to have to do a bit of trial-and-error to really so what makes me feel happy for the day while still adequately finishing a good part of my agenda. Ultimately, it's going to be just the right balance of work and play (or want?) to make me feel good, it's not necessarily going to be 50:50 and I'm probably going to feel like I want something different each day.

I'm going to list what I decided to do for each of the 7 goals I did each day so I easily assess how I spent each days time. It makes it easier to do this trial-and-error thing. Just in case you don't know, Here's the list of goals I want to accomplish for my 2-month semester break followed by what I managed to do for it.

1. Finish College Requirements
2. Moderate Entertainment
3. Make Progress On My Personal Indie Game Project
4. Do A Lot Of Reading Books
5. Practice Drawing Skills
6. Take A Break From Making Music
7. Meditate and Cultivate Awareness

 

1. Barely worked on college requirements but I did have a small funny idea I decided to put into one of them. I sometimes try to make things fun when I work on these projects both to make other people laugh and also so it doesn't feel 100% boring.
2. Currently binge watching on Season 1 of "The Amazing World of Gumball". I feel no shame because it's a good show and I love cartoons.
3. Man, I'm worry that I'm addicted to working on my indie game. I'm not kidding, I can actually feel craving whenever I feel like I haven't done a satisfactory amount of progress on it each day. It doesn't feel too bad though and it's good that I'm spending a lot of my time on it because it's a big ambitious project of mine. Right now, the majority if my time is actually being spent here but I've been meaning to lessen that a bit so I can also live a little outside of this project.
4. I started reading "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. Unfortunately, I was so caught up on working on my indie game that I couldn't focus on reading it and I ended up reading only a little from the beginning of the book.
5. Arrrgh. . . I just can't seem to find any motivation to draw and feel creative. I really want to be sort of guy who is able to layout ideas in a beautiful 2D fashion and show it to people regardless of what they think. Right now, I think my indie game workaholism is my biggest hindrance to being able to commit to a good drawing practice and I realize that if I'm going to draw, It's going to have to be on a day where I don't work on my indie game at all or at least very little. And I'm going to have to allocate some of my days for that. I still don't know when those days are going to be but I'm going to think about them.
6. Nothing to do here
7. My meditation session today was weird. It started awful and I couldn't feel like I was focused and present and I felt half-asleep. However, I did manage to get myself back and aware near the end and I actually felt a slight sense of happiness after it that I haven't felt in a while. It's the kind of happiness I feel whenever I feel in tune and flowing with reality. Then of course, I went back to working on my game because you know, I want to and I have to. So maybe an increase in focus in meditation and decrease in focus on my indie game may be beneficial for me.
    

That's all for today but I also want to share this creepy yet profound animation I found on YouTube. I highly recommend you watch it, it might make you question your identity and the current state of psychotherapy (or rather how it was in 1998, maybe?).

 

Edited May 28, 2016 by Extreme Z7

[Extreme Z7]

<05-29-16>
Now I Need To Recharge
 

Just in case you don't know, Here's the list of goals I want to accomplish for my 2-month semester break followed by what I managed to do for it.

1. Finish College Requirements
2. Moderate Entertainment
3. Make Progress On My Personal Indie Game Project
4. Do A Lot Of Reading Books
5. Practice Drawing Skills
6. Take A Break From Making Music
7. Meditate and Cultivate Awareness

 

1. Didn't work on any college projects today. Didn't feel like I wanted to, didn't feel like I needed to.
2. Actually took a quite moderate amount of entertainment content today. Probably only spent an hour and a half total and I don't feel like I need that much.
3. Still feel like I'm addicted to working but on the bright side, I find that I've been very focused and quick in my indie game progress which is a big plus for me personally. I still have the memory in my head of how fast I saw a level I was working on grow as I kept building and designing the various aspects of the level design. <3
4. A little bit of continuation of "The Road Less Traveled"
5. Oh man, I still have a lot of free time before bed as I write this. (About less than 4 hours total). I'm going to take a break for a while but I plan to do some doodling when my mind feels clear and creative.
6. Nothing to do here
7. Actually fell asleep at one point during the meditation. It was still pretty okay overall though.

 

Leo's new video is amazingly profound and I can't wait for next week's follow up episode. Watch it now if you haven't already.

 

[Extreme Z7]

<05-30-16>
Felt A Bit Down Today But I'm Fine

Just in case you don't know, Here's the list of goals I want to accomplish for my 2-month semester break followed by what I managed to do for it.

1. Finish College Requirements
2. Moderate Entertainment
3. Make Progress On My Personal Indie Game Project
4. Do A Lot Of Reading Books
5. Practice Drawing Skills
6. Take A Break From Making Music
7. Meditate and Cultivate Awareness

 

1. Decided to ignore it again but I might start working on it tomorrow.
2. Pretty low amount of entertainment today
3. Still feel addicted and neurotically attached to working on the indie game but that's okay because I'm going to try to moderate and stay aware and mindful.
4. Finished reading the first chapter of "The Road Less Traveled"
5. Didn't feel like drawing today. It's not that I wanted to but couldn't find the motivation, I just didn't feel like I really wanted to draw anything so that's okay.
6. Actually spent a few minutes messing with a distorted kick drum in FL Studio. heh. . .
7. Because of my general bad mood today, I had to meditate multiple times to clear my mind. It helped me a lot.