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5-D - L O V E

The right move, triggering action

11 posts in this topic

To keep what could be a very long post shorter, I'm gonna abridge through many topics and issues, but I'll try to retain the most relevent pieces hoping anyone reading can piece enough together to get the full picture.

So basically, I've been in the same spot in life for the past 2/3 years. And I feel like I'm missing the things that would allow me to break this blockage and further advance in my journey.

 

The issue:

I wake up everyday from sleep (if I can get any) with the same intense feelings, knots and thought patterns that shut me up from doing any meaningful productive activity from the get go, no matter what I seem to do to counteract them (meditation, exercice, working on my purpose, getting on with a routine, not doing anything and just loving myself unconditionally allowing myself to be a couch potato...)

 

The deep underlying root cause:

What I identified from being and living from this state for quite a while, and for a greater length althrough my life (not being fully conscious of it) is that I can't get myself to love myself fully, and that goes back to me never being loved/confirmed fully externally whether it's from friends, family or past lovers.

The point I'm at right now is that I know I need to forgive myself but I can't get myself to do it knowing (at some relative level atleast) that I can't and don't want to live without a certain amount of external love/validation (dual/"illusion"/"unawakened") style.

Having thought about it for countless hours, I know that "humaning", "bonding", "relatedness" and "empathy"  are all constructions that are best developed "unconsciously" and "naturally", not having had the luxury to do that, I took some decisions early on that set me up for the greatest realizations but at the same time allowed me to side step the issues at hand, but in a counter intuitive fashion, I have a deeper understanding and embodiment of the human qualities I listed compared to most my peers, but still, inside I still feel energetically lacking and incomplete.

 

A metaphor that might help:

Most people grow in some form of a limited paradise, then they lose it in time with the heartbreaks of life as they get older.

Now, imagine growing up in a environment so broken that you had to derive the simplest things from scartch since childhood constantly struggling, only to have the blows take on a massive proportion as you get older, and as "the stakes got higher".

It's easier to have the will to go looking for paradise if you have a latent taste of it and that it can be achieved and secured to some extent.

Personally, I can't not doubt things, I can't just be chill about things and not running to the worst in my mind all the time.

Energetically and within my body, I could never afford geniuenly feeling secure and at home with things.

So, altough I know the absolute goodness of god, I'm more doubtfull than most egos...

 

What absolutely worked so far:

There are things which I proactively persued that have given me the most in life,

  • Music: I consider myself a very accomplished musician, and it is my main LP, and I more or less know this for about 10 years now, but being in my energetic state, I could never allow myself to fully follow it completely to fruition without sabotage at some point, or if I'm sure I won't sabotage I can't get myself to gather the resources necessary to produce what I want to produce...
  • Physics/programming: The ying to the artistical yang, don't want to touch it for now though.
  • Psychedelics/Spirituality/Being: multiple facets of awakening; emotional/energetic releases, mystical states, non dual experiences, Love, God, Self, Truth, Structure of being/net of life...
  • Movement: Being in the body, stretching/mobility work, dance/free movement, hatha yoga, fractal energetic yoga/tai chi, calisthenics.
  • Retreats/workshops/seminars/festivals/concerts/adventure.
  • Work: a lot of volunteering/service.
  • Love: Maybe the deepest of all experiences; basically meeting a soulmate/twin flame, having the deepest experience of love, but it being only platonic and never going physical, for reasons that may be too complicated to state in a short fashion.

 

What didn't work:

Everything that worked, in the sense that with anything I do, nothing feels to go to a sense of completion, a satisfying resolution that would fill the pieces that feel missing.

 

Taking things peronally:

There are basically two themes at play in the general arc of my life.

Things I love, what I'm awesome at, my deepest achievements, my personal truth: these are the things I know absolutely, experiences I validated for myself, by myself for my own growth, not necessarily percievable by a "broader audience" (many times hardly by anyone but myself). But this is what kicks my juices, my happiness, my purpose, my flow.

Then, there are the not so awesome things, my failures and faillings, things I can't forgive myself or others for, not having succeeded not for lack of skill but because of feelings of unworthiness and self loathing because of that goddamn " I never belonged, my friends don't really love me.. if they did they would've helped me... " and "if she did love me she would've done things differently... she would've freed me instead of adding to the confusion..."

The second theme is basically acceptance and forgiveness.

 

The current tangible situation:

Due to reality being reality (lol) I'm finding myself at a peculiar situation, I have almost nothing going on for me, and I literally can't summon the energy to do anything about it.

I feel entitled towards reality, that somehow I deserve more and better.

I'm basically hoping for a geniune miracle, and that things don't just go to shit.

 

Meanwhile I'm feeling about absolutely every feeling I can feel and nothing at the same time.

 

Going meta:

Unless I'm missing something blatenly obvious here.

As pitty as my issues can seem to appear, I think they are the biggest set of problems one can have, this is basically what's holding god from fully knowing and embodying itself.

And deep issues require deep solutions, I'm intuiting there can be two solutions (as far as my short sided ego sight can see):

To miraculously find love, no matter what its form, just being graced by love (mind you, not the Eckhart Tolle kind of love, still trying to please the ego here).

Or, to radically recontextualize this in a way I can truly believe and act on, and getting myself up by the bootsraps over time.

Since only the latter solution is in my direct line of action, how does one go about absolutely shifting his POV.

 

Bonus inquiry:

I know some people in my life who just by the sheer belief of them absolutely deserving something, they can go about manifesting it.

In the solutions I cited above, these people would naturally go towards the first one, they would "miraculously" manifest whatever their ego desires.

I know, I can do the same, but my range of possibility is limited by my beliefs, the question is how would one go about fundametally changing those beliefs in a BEING sense.

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It sounds like you're actually quite clear on what you need right now.

Despite knowing the limitations of, and having personally gone to various therapists, I still highly recommend finding a suitable one (and don't be afraid to go through a screening process with each), and that suitable one you would know because you are looking for the love you may still be chasing to get from another. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you still feeling the desire to be loved by another in the relative. I can intuit based on what you wrote that it was simply not given to you when you were younger and we absolutely need love to form the healthy ego (before attempting to drop it..). 

I recommend the above because.. one can easily get lost and trapped in chasing "romance" only (or even friendships), only to get re-traumatized because people have a very limited capacity to love in general, and relationships are meant to be balanced in terms of energetic giving and receiving. 

Retreats are also generally not designed for this direct form of love and care, the desire to be fully seen and loved for who we really are, that a therapist/caregiver can give.

I am speaking from personal experience.. and want to let you know that wholeness and complete healing is available to you. Once you find it, it will rapidly open up the "next steps" to you. Don't give up!

Edited by puporing

I am Lord of Heaven, Second Coming of Jesus Christ. ❣ Warning: nobody here has reached the true God.

         ┊ ┊⋆ ┊ . ♪ 星空のディスタンス ♫┆彡 what are you dreaming today?

                           天国が来る | 私は道であり、真実であり、命であり。

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@5-D - L O V E Try NA meetings in your area. NA stands for "narcotics anonymous" or "never alone" and is very spiritual. You could also try gratitude journaling, or forgiving those who have hurt you. You can even try just forgiving yourself. I feel for you. Hope this helps.

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3 hours ago, 5-D - L O V E said:

Now, imagine growing up in a environment so broken that you had to derive the simplest things from scartch since childhood constantly struggling, only to have the blows take on a massive proportion as you get older, and as "the stakes got higher".

@Mikey Doesn't apply as much here, OP clearly said it was a lack from his environment growing up, that's not something to blame OP for. Though yes ultimately they are responsible for the healing that is needed.

Edited by puporing

I am Lord of Heaven, Second Coming of Jesus Christ. ❣ Warning: nobody here has reached the true God.

         ┊ ┊⋆ ┊ . ♪ 星空のディスタンス ♫┆彡 what are you dreaming today?

                           天国が来る | 私は道であり、真実であり、命であり。

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i don't allow an indulgent thought in the morning, i do robot mode and execute scheduled tasks basically the same tasks each day

mind loathes being shut out but over time has gotten tame meek compliant 

takes time to get to this state but anyone could do it if they want it

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On 27/06/2022 at 1:50 AM, puporing said:

Despite knowing the limitations of, and having personally gone to various therapists, I still highly recommend finding a suitable one (and don't be afraid to go through a screening process with each), and that suitable one you would know because you are looking for the love you may still be chasing to get from another. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you still feeling the desire to be loved by another in the relative. I can intuit based on what you wrote that it was simply not given to you when you were younger and we absolutely need love to form the healthy ego (before attempting to drop it..). 

I feel like I have gone through the therapy naturally through the integration of various mystical experiences I've had, and also deep life experiences.

The self therapy is just allowing the observer, consciousness to feel and hear every "sub ego"/fragment and allowing the space for it to exist, be recognized and have it have it's fundamental need met (or atleast, start going in that direction if it's a long term goal).

 

It's about a deeper form of healing I haven't found so far... I've tried things like "A course in miracles", Paul Chek's healing sessions, even just sitting through the pain in meditation doesn't "stick" once I'm done with the meditation, sometimes even during the meditation I feel like I'm bullshitting myself at some aspect if that makes sense.

 

What I need is more power to act through (we can also refer to this as Will), to be confirmed in energetic terms, not through self talk, meditation, journaling... because all these methods only work up to a certain depth, then everything falls.

Edited by 5-D - L O V E

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On 27/06/2022 at 2:36 AM, Mikey said:

@5-D - L O V E Try NA meetings in your area. NA stands for "narcotics anonymous" or "never alone" and is very spiritual. You could also try gratitude journaling, or forgiving those who have hurt you. You can even try just forgiving yourself. I feel for you. Hope this helps.

Unfortunatly, such groups don't exist where I live, a strong group of friends would help, but not my actual ones.

I don't even trust or feel I understand the concept and being of "friendship", so I have some issues with that, in the sense that most of my friends don't see or recognize my full potential because of me failling to manifest it, but I see that as more them not believing in their own potential and capacities and what some of them can ultimately do. So there's a projection happening there, and I questioned it all the time, so it's not this set belief in my mind that my friends ultimately bring down (even though it's unconscious from their part).

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2 hours ago, 5-D - L O V E said:

I feel like I have gone through the therapy naturally through the integration of various mystical experiences I've had, and also deep life experiences.

The self therapy is just allowing the observer, consciousness to feel and hear every "sub ego"/fragment and allowing the space for it to exist, be recognized and have it have it's fundamental need met (or atleast, start going in that direction if it's a long term goal).

That's great! Sounds like you're very self-aware and know intuitively what directions to take.

2 hours ago, 5-D - L O V E said:

It's about a deeper form of healing I haven't found so far... I've tried things like "A course in miracles", Paul Chek's healing sessions, even just sitting through the pain in meditation doesn't "stick" once I'm done with the meditation, sometimes even during the meditation I feel like I'm bullshitting myself at some aspect if that makes sense.

I'm not sure if this applies.. but when I first did psychedelics it revealed to me some remaining grief I still had around my past, it blasted out into the open and I feel like that "pain body" has finally dissolved. Not sure if it has helped you that way. I would also recommend psychedelics + therapy approach, sometimes can help to talk to someone about your trips.

 

Edited by puporing

I am Lord of Heaven, Second Coming of Jesus Christ. ❣ Warning: nobody here has reached the true God.

         ┊ ┊⋆ ┊ . ♪ 星空のディスタンス ♫┆彡 what are you dreaming today?

                           天国が来る | 私は道であり、真実であり、命であり。

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10 hours ago, puporing said:

That's great! Sounds like you're very self-aware and know intuitively what directions to take.

I'm not sure if this applies.. but when I first did psychedelics it revealed to me some remaining grief I still had around my past, it blasted out into the open and I feel like that "pain body" has finally dissolved. Not sure if it has helped you that way. I would also recommend psychedelics + therapy approach, sometimes can help to talk to someone about your trips.

 

I think I'm aiming at a different finality, I always considered myself as living in the extremes, and this applies to "common wisdom" too, trying to release the pain and grief didn't work, as much as I've tried in the past, so I've came to the conclusion that I should simply overcompensate when it comes to my unmet needs instead of going with a more classical form of love, I've been denied intimacy so much that I feel that no amount of love any woman can give is able to heal me, same goes with me healing myself internally, so the more time goes, the more the intuition that Ego is as much Truth, Godly as anything else feels True, so it should honored as such.

 

Basically, I feel that any advice given by any school of thought (be it spiritual, from healing resources, "the dark intellectual web", the manosphere, and ultimately Actualized.org) doesn't apply in my case, in a counter intuitive/reversed fashion.

 

If I go with my deepest truth, I should seek more narcissism, "elevation", ego confidance and self confirmation, JUST so I can feel in a neutral state compared with how I feel and believe people generally are.

 

Humanity has no idea how deep darkness and the shadow goes and can manifest itself, and the causes are all tiny details that compound in a butterfly effect kind of way. And it is because of this lack of knowledge in general when it comes to this that there doesn't exist effective healing modalities, psychedelics aside (and even that has its limits...), so what's left is God, and God is mostly speaking to my ego as my ego in service of the ego, but my ego ultimately feels lacking, weak and limited.

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Good and bad are ultimately constructs, there is such a thing as Good actions that lead to good outcomes and bad actions that lead to bad outcomes, but it's all contextual and relative.

Overcompensation (mostly in terms of relationships, dating and achieving things i.e being an overachiever).

Following lust and limerence as Absolutes in the service of love while still keeping everything truthful and in integrity.

Pursuing power as the will to actually DO things, whether its production, work, personal goals...

Becoming narssistic as a means to cut through all the bullshit that gets thrown around, basically keeping my own energies grounded.

...

 

Now, the spiritual pursuits have led to some realizations about all these things, but my embodiment of it all still falls short.

 

Now how does one go about things as directly as I stated above without it being a fabrication through self brainwashing, spirituality is not the answer in my case, neither is "normal life" and just going with it all.

 

And I can't keep lying to myself about me not having these desires or that I wanna let it all go and free myself completely... I ultimately see that kind of of absolute freedom as chains, in a way similar to marriage (forgive the analogy) but I have an issue with that too, like I desire a family but I see myself as someone who hasn't lived through his youth, so the possibility of becoming an eternal teenager is as alluring to me.

 

Sorry if I'm mixing many things at once in what seems a haphazard way, but I'm just letting my subconscious express itself so I and anyone reading can have a better insight into my how my ego functions.

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