Red flags or me reading too much into it?

[TurquoiseAngel]

Asking this because I used to have a history of not trusting my gut and give people endless benefit of doubt, yet I know my past hurt bias could also play tricks on me:

 

Would you consider these a red flag?

I was on a 2nd date with a man, just an easy walk by the river before dinner when he received a message from his daughter saying the her grandmother from the mother's side had just died. He said it was not a surprise since she was very sick anyway and said he would call his daughter later. A few minutes pass and his daughter sends another message ranting that "no one cares about her and her feelings, and she can't rely on the two men who should love her the most" (referring also to her live-in boyfriend who at that very same time is on a business dinner meeting - on a Saturday evening (?)... apparently the daughter wanted the boyfriend to leave the meeting immediately and go home but he refused).

So the man is now upset and I re-assure him that there is absolutely no problem in him taking time from our date to call her or message her or leave her a voice note or whatever he needs to do, but at the time  I feel like I shouldn't be teaching a man how to be a man and a father how to be a father, but anyway we are all humans who sometimes get caught in unexpected situations... so I take a few steps to the side and sit on a bench to give him privacy while he tries to communicate with his daughter... but she now has turned off her phone and is unreachable. So he messages and calls the boyfriend a couple of times while we keep our walking, but the BF is still refusing to leave the business meeting and go home because of course he is working and needs to close a deal or whatever. Apparently the BF is also trying to communicate with her but getting nowhere.

Anyway, the man is  still trying to provide me with a good time but obviously things are now weird and tense, not light and fun anymore. I sense he is worried about his daughter and I start feeling drained so I tell him that is totally okay if he wants to cut the date short and go visit her or stay available for when she turns the phone on or whatever but he insists that he wants to carry on with the date and take me to dinner as planned and he can't go and see her until she turns her phone back on and talks to him. But I assure him that I would be okay if he needed to go and I totally understand if he needs to change plans.

We walk more until we reach the restaurant and before going in I ask him again if he is sure he wants to carry on with dinner. He says yes.

We go inside and we order the drinks and then he orders his food first (not what I think a gentleman should do but anyway) ... when I am ordering mine, his phone rings and it is his daughter. He goes quickly outside to talk to her and I am there on my own which is totally fine. The drinks arrive and I wait for him to come back before my first sip. I didn't track for how long he was gone, maybe 10 minutes.

When he comes back, he says that everything is okay, she is okay now but he told her that he was willing to "go and visit her right now if she wanted to" but she declined. This made me raise an eye brown because we were already seated with drinks waiting for us and food ordered, being cooked in the kitchen....and besides, I gave him openings to do this before he took me inside the restaurant...Now I am not sure if he really said that to her or if he just said that to me thinking it would impress me (since it was my idea anyway), if this would show to me he is a good father...but if he was he would not ignore her first message in the first place??

I then asked some questions: Was she upset more about grandma's death? Or was she upset for not getting the support she needed straight away?

He said it was a bit of both, definitely upset because grandma died although she didn't even have a strong relationship with grandma and she had actually visited her a week before after a very long time not seeing her just because she was sick and almost dying. They don't live far from each other but the relationship between them was not even close at all....

We then starting talking about my daughter (15) - who has some serious mental health issues that I briefly mentioned during our 1st date - he was the one asking lots of questions and details - and after I explained to him my daughter's issues he proceeded to say that he was "very lucky" that his daughter doesn't have and never had any mental health issues and he was extremely proud of her life and her achievements - basically comparing both our daughters and feeling good that he had a normal one while I had a 'defective' one... I am just there listening, digesting and heeding this red flag when then he offered me some sympathy which seemed genuine - but I couldn't shake off the fact that the sympathy didn't come first after I spoke about my daughter's struggles...the sympathy came after he compared our daughters - but I just chalked it up to the drama he had just experienced with his.

Anyway his daughter is 26 and completely independent! 

And maybe I was being a bit callous but as I am there watching that drama unfold I can't help but think his daughter was massive over - reacting and is or was a bit of a drama queen and manipulative of her father and boyfriend... Especially since she was not close to grandma, saw her a week before and knew she would die any minute...plus she is apparently  mentally healthy woman who is 26 years old. I was bewildered...but again I know that I am very resilient when it comes to death, even in my own family, it is just the way I have always been. At the same time I was thinking good for her in asking for support, voicing her feelings and wanting the men in her life to be there for her. My dad was absent and I had many uncommitted boyfriends and a toxic ex husband so there is a part of me who sees my bias in judging her.

Anyway, what made me uncomfortable and the two red flags I see are:

1 - He didn't take any time to reply to her message when he saw it and left her on read - (he said she saw the read receipt and got angry)...but during our 1st date I excused myself and used half a minute to read and reply to messages with my own daughter so he should know I would be okay with him doing the same. I was just a woman from the dating app. Family comes first. He just needed a few seconds out of our date to reply to her. Sure that would be what a high value integrated man would do? If he treats her like that, how would he treat me down the line? Is the daughter overreacting because her nervous system is fed up with being gaslit or stonewalled or not made a priority? Or is she a manipulative drama queen spoiled brat? is he trying to set boundaries? Or is he not as good father as he likes to think?

2 - He didn't want to cut the date short when I suggested but after we were sat at the restaurant with drinks and food ordered he then offered her to go and see her immediately. What would he do then? Leave the place and leave me there to eat mine and his food on my own? That was super weird.

 

By the way, he is 57. 

And I know I am overthinking this but I am curious to hear different opinions.

However what made me completely turned off is that he told me he got super drunk, falling on the floor, on the streets kind of drunk, a few months ago on his birthday. And blamed his friends for giving him too many drinks. Even if the daughter drama never happened, I would not see him again anyway. I

t is crazy to me...57, successful (yes I checked, his job is easy to verify online, his name - photo -profession - history easily comes up and he offers links as proof of who he is) ... 

Am i too picky or expecting too much?

Maybe I will die single...

 

[Thought Art]

I mean. I am really no expert. But a thought did occur. A date is to see how you feel when you are with someone. I would just trust your feeling.

You will find somebody.

[Bando]

Too much drama life is already complicated dont take on other peoples burdens especially if its your first couple encounters.

[somegirl]

@TurquoiseAngel Just a friendly advice - Summorize your story/problem you have because it's too much time reading long texts. Just so you can get more responses.

Edited June 25, 2022 by somegirl

[PenguinPablo]

2 hours ago, Bando said:

Too much drama life is already complicated dont take on other peoples burdens especially if its your first couple encounters.

agreed but no one is perfect 

 

[Leo Gura]

I think you're over-analyzing this daughter situation since it's a pretty unique situation. Hard to draw clear conclusions from that.

The drunk stuff is more telling, if that bothers you. But also not necessarily a problem if he's not a chronic drinker. Getting drunk once on your birthday isn't really a big deal.

[TurquoiseAngel]

29 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I think you're over-analyzing this daughter situation since it's a pretty unique situation. Hard to draw clear conclusions from that.

The drunk stuff is more telling, if that bothers you. But also not necessarily a problem if he's not a chronic drinker. Getting drunk once on your birthday isn't really a big deal.

Yep, I think the truth is that I feel zero attraction for him and going on a 2nd date was to jut try and feel something, give it a chance. He seems like a good person, is good company, is successful, treats me right... but with no desire or sparkle I had to find excuses. 

I have been sober for 6 years, I am not an alcoholic, it is just my lifestyle. So hearing that a 57 year old man fell drunk on the streets turned me off even though I wasn't even turned on.  I am not looking for someone teetotal but in my opinion enjoying your birthday is not an excuse to get hammered at 57. (but my dad was an alcoholic so there, this is maybe where the trigger is)

Damn!