Trying to Make Friends in a New City - Going to Bars Alone

[Emrie]

Some context, I moved to this new city recently and have no friends. In fact, I have never had friends I would consider close. My social skills are generally lacking, I have a hard time making conversation and just .. being fun to be around.

However, I have decided to better that aspect of my life radically and I want to absolutely get better at all this.

The thing is, I really don't know how to make friends. Doing some research around the place, I've heard things like joining clubs like sports clubs or taking classes like yoga or dance classes (I'd actually like to take dance classes because I want to learn how to dance too) ... and even going to bars alone and trying to make friends that way.

I did try one thing. The main LGBT association had like a meetup where we had a picnic at a park, I went there and it went just fine (I'm actually bi so I thought I'd meet people I would get a good vibe with). Most of the people there actually don't even live in this city and the ones who did were kinda cool but I don't think I made that good of an impression on them. Idk maybe it's not really my style.

I'm definitely gonna keep trying to make friends and going out doing things but one thing I'm super uneasy with is going into social situations (like bars) alone. Like I feel like a huge creep and no one is ever going to want to talk to me.

Does anybody have any experiences with this and can enlighten me?

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu-wFuDqZws

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZ1q07WHuOs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7ghrUIiyzM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REiKHCZpU6Y

 

[flowboy]

15 hours ago, Emrie said:

I feel like a huge creep and no one is ever going to want to talk to me.

Did you fit in in primary school and high school? Any bad experiences there?

Wild guess because I used to feel like a creep, and it was definitely rooted in bad experiences of not fitting in and being ostracized as a child and adolescent.

I did some trauma release on that and it's a lot better now.

[something_else]

19 hours ago, Emrie said:

Like I feel like a huge creep and no one is ever going to want to talk to me.

The cheap solution to getting over this is to go to the busiest places. Like the places where you can’t even move from people.

This seems counter-intuitive, but in a huge crowd you blend in, no one can tell you are alone so your mind lets you relax.

And the chances of you meeting people is much higher.

The root solution is what @flowboy recommended, however.

[Leo Gura]

Find people in your city to go out with.

But also go out solo and just socialize with strangers. It's good for ya.

[Value]

Depending on your age, I could recommend volunteerwork and Workaway, great way to make new real friends

[Emrie]

6 hours ago, flowboy said:

Did you fit in in primary school and high school? Any bad experiences there?

Absolutely horrible experiences. I did not fit in AT ALL. I'll definitely work to release that trauma, even though I think worked through it already somewhat, there's probably a lot to do. Thanks!

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Find people in your city to go out with.

Yes, that's what I'm trying to accomplish here. I'm trying to make friends specifically to go out with them. The question is HOW! I mean I guess socializing and trying to make friends as much as possible will eventually get me there.

1 hour ago, Value said:

Depending on your age, I could recommend volunteerwork and Workaway, great way to make new real friends

I've actually thought about volunteering in an association, yeah. Seems like a really great way to make friends, possibly for the LGBT association I went to. I'm very young, 26, so it's definitely up my sleeve. Workaway sounds great as an experience but I'm not really sure it's going to help me make friends here in this city.

[Yarco]

Don't go and hang out at bars unless you want to be friends with the average person who goes to bars.

The most important thing is you have to take initiative.

YOU have to be the one to go up and approach people. YOU need to be the one that "seals the deal" and asks someone to exchange phone numbers, add each other on Facebook, or whatever. If you wait for other people to do it, it'll take 100x as long unless you find basically your friend-soulmate that you 100% click with. Because for the most part, everybody else is just as self-conscious and scared as you are.

At the moment I'm going to a play group with my 1 year old once a week. This is just as good a place to meet people as bars, sports, etc. But here is the main difference between being active or passive:

I can be passive and it's extremely low-risk. I just show up and it's easy to make small-talk with the other moms and dads. Maybe you get to know each other's first names but that's as far as it goes, even if you keep coming back for multiple weeks and seeing each other.

Or I can be active at seeking out people I want to stay in touch with. This requires BEING GENUINE ABOUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT and risking coming off creepy or weird if you do it wrong. That's a risk you have to take. I have to be the weirdo every week that says "Hey, I really enjoy talking to you and think we really get along and have the same philosophy about raising our kids. Do you mind if I add you on social media so we can keep in touch, and maybe our kids can play together outside the group sometime while we have coffee?" 

Guess what, like 90% of the time people are thrilled and waiting for people to make that first move, because most of them are after the same thing but afraid to be the one to reach out. In my case it's even harder as a guy, especially if I want to ask a mom for contact details and my wife isn't with me. First I have to disarm them first talking about my wife, wear a wedding ring, and a bunch of stuff to let them know I'm not just hitting on them romantically, that you don't have to worry about if you're just making a same-sex friend with a stranger.

You can do it. Risk being a creep. Especially if you're in a low-risk situation like a bar or bus stop where you'll likely never see the person again otherwise.

Edited June 24, 2022 by Yarco

[BuddhistLover]

@Leo Gura Do you think just go to random bars in Portland, or to the local Aurora pub....

Yes, but don't get all drunk, so you don't do something nonsensical.

Ok, good plan. 

[flowboy]

15 hours ago, Emrie said:

Absolutely horrible experiences. I did not fit in AT ALL. I'll definitely work to release that trauma, even though I think worked through it already somewhat, there's probably a lot to do. Thanks!

this guided release I created helped out some of my clients - give it a try

15 hours ago, Emrie said:

Yes, that's what I'm trying to accomplish here. I'm trying to make friends specifically to go out with them. The question is HOW! I mean I guess socializing and trying to make friends as much as possible will eventually get me there.

People bond over shared experiences that transform them in some way - meaning, learning by being taken out of one's comfort zone.

Think of a person in a stable state as an atom with an equal amount of electrons to compensate the positive charge of his number of protons.

In this state his charge is neutral, making him unable to form ion bonds (a deep connection).

Now an experience somewhat challenging to his ego, may knock some of his electrons out of his shell - or make him absorb extra ones.

This gives him a positive or negative charge, making him attract others with an opposite charge.

With those he may form deep connections - an ionic bond.

Leaving this metaphore behind, you will form deeper bonds with people when you and them are being challenged and out of your comfort zone, forced to adapt and grow. This is why people make friends in college, but less so at work. In college, everyone is going through the same process of growth together, but when joining some type of work force, most people are already settled in to what they are doing and have adapted to it.

For the same reason, going through a challenging or somewhat scary and transformative process together, like joining Toastmasters or a transformative retreat, or some type of volunteering in a foreign country, is far more likely to bond people, than comfort zone activities like going out drinking or yoga classes.

In my experience, friends are found at the edge of your interests and your fears.

Edited June 25, 2022 by flowboy

[Nilsi]

On 23.6.2022 at 9:01 PM, Emrie said:

Some context, I moved to this new city recently and have no friends. In fact, I have never had friends I would consider close. My social skills are generally lacking, I have a hard time making conversation and just .. being fun to be around.

What do you enjoy doing? I also recently moved and i found some friends that I do yoga with and started a bookclub with some others. Its pretty easy to make friends and bond when you have some things in common and do shit together that you all enjoy.