ah

[PepperBlossoms]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

okay that is me. thanks.

[PepperBlossoms]

I have this huge desire to start talking negatively right now about myself but I can also see that the protagonist part of me sees that and is saying, no don't go down that line of thought again, you know where that goes and that it doesn't help, you know what to do, just sit, breathe, meditate, do some chores, be patient.

No don't go to the past.  You can stay strong.

Part of me feels like I am going to be floundering and drowning again, that I am not gonna make it again.

But no, that is just an image in the head.  You are okay.  Everything is still okay.

I impulsively applied for three jobs today, one as a ghostwriter, one for a crisis hotline, and one for a neuropsychology intake thing and now I am freaking out because yeah I was debating on writing or psychology but now I am realizing I may have to actually interview and I am like ahhh what am I doing.

[PepperBlossoms]

It was so nice not doing anything and I am realizing if I take a job I will go back to being confined, go back to the schedule, go back to only doing certain things.

My bf gets upset at me and I keep on messing up and mishearing him.  I love the conversations but I fear I am not the best person.

This is scared, anxious me talking.

Yesterday I was thinking, oh all I want is a quiet, calm mind.  The day before, all I was thinking was, oh all I want is a quiet, calm house.

I am so lucky to be able to stay at my parents place, they have 2 houses, but can see that I can't use this as a forever source.

Uh okay.

All of this life/job stuff, part of me is like, ah this is a joke, this is a circus, this doesn't matter, I don't care about it; but then part of me is aware that money is getting spent every time I get gas or buy groceries and that I am not intaking any money.

It was a nice passage of time when I read the psychology books, when I did like 4 mental health meetings a day, when I talked with suicidal/depressed/CPTSD/angry people online and gave suggestions and what it was like for me, that was all nice, it was nice cleaning my parent's house, but now..........

Things have gotten better with my bf's mom.  I spilled the beans about all the dark parts of me and feel so much relief to not have secrets and can just say whatever and that feels amazing.

Uhhhhhhh okay hmm... well ok.

[PepperBlossoms]

I guess it is like, okay you are XX years old, the clock is ticking.

You've decided you know you don't know and may never know how reality works and you are kinda okay with that.

You've decided that you may die with no money or billions of dollars and you may die anyway, regardless.

You've decided that you used to put so much effort into school, tennis, and work and now here you quit your profession, quit your sport, and feel scared about trying hard at something again.  

Ah uh you started the Ego Development videos and never finished.  You started the books and never finished writing/editing them.  You have ideas about going onto a podcast to talk about your books/experience but also kinda want to get the book done first BUT AREN'T ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING TO FINISH THEM.  

I noticed that I fear people who have high integrity when it comes to getting stuff done because I have realized that I am very bad at getting stuff done.

[PepperBlossoms]

I think my issue is... well the problem is I don't know what the problem is...

I feel like maybe I haven't mastered stage blue/orange.  I used to be super into religion and getting good grades and exercising and practicing my sport everyday and doing my homework to make all A's.... but then I explored stage green/yellow/turquoise and got lost in that and then I lost all of the blue/orange stuff.

So here I am, lacking again in blue/orange, where I don't have a routine, no schedule, no achievement oriented stuff.

I realized that epiphanies were SO EASY in the beginning - I didn't know anything and they amazed me and they came all the time - they were about politics/religion/constructs.  Now they take longer to get it seems and are much more subtle; it is more about like facial expressions people make, how I act, what my thoughts are saying and the story I am coming up with.  It is much less obvious stuff than the say politics/religion focus I had earlier.

I noticed I am very slow when it comes to chores or getting anything done.  

When I switched houses with my parents, well I came to a nightmare.  They had gotten the entire house painted, it is a huge house BTW, and it was super dirty everywhere.  The air smelled very dirty and every surface was dirty.  I wanted to keep the windows open and my mom said no because of humidity.  I made it my main focus to clean everyday and it has gotten tremendously cleaner.  I still have a few things I could do and have yet to do them yet but there are just so many chores.  Big houses are nice but also a pain in the ass when you are the one cleaning the whole thing.

Now I feel like I am just bragging now. Ugh. Okay. I don't know why I am typing on this site but yet here I am again, typing away.

[PepperBlossoms]

It is weird... actually no it is not weird but anyhoo... I have been thinking about the shame of not working.

My dad has 2 siblings that do not work and my mom has 1.  I have not been working for a few months now.  I was using the "mental health" and "needing to clean the house" and the "I am writing a book" as my excuse for not getting a job.

It is just that well.... yes I can try to publish my books.... but I am not doing anything to make that happen... but I already said that.

I have been saying the same phrase over and over again - I started writing a book about the hypocritical nature of my job and then I quit my job and was focusing on writing the book but then my mental health went in the toilet and so I focused on that and I never went back to finishing the book.  I have the 100k words but I just don't like the editing part.... the part where I need to read over stuff.

I have never edited a book before.......  Yes I can go to an editor or someone.......

[PepperBlossoms]

Maybe deep in my heart.... I really just want to get these books done but I am too out of the zone and need to just do it.... maybe deep in my heart I don't want to work for anyone.

Like if I do the ghostwriter thing, who knows if they even want me - well... there is some degree of inauthenticity because I would be posing as someone else... also I had the problem with killing trees and that may contribute to that.  Yes I want my own books too but I have debated on just electronic forms but also am aware people can just download stuff for free too...  I was thinking that would be helpful in terms of trying to take on new perspectives and getting exposed to different people and their passions.

And if I did the neuropsychology intake thing - if I am just asking questions... well wouldn't that get old super quick?  I was thinking it would be helpful in terms of just interacting with people and seeing if I like that profession.

And if I did the behavioral crisis hotline thing... I guess I am not sure.  I can be bad at listening.  Ah I don't know.  I was thinking it would be helpful in terms of seeing if I liked that profession and also feel good about helping others.

I don't know anything and I think that applies to almost everything.

[PepperBlossoms]

I guess all this suffering partly ties back to relating everything to the ego; to listening to the thoughts and judging stuff.

I really need to finish the Ego Development videos...

I was debating about applying to MAPS or something similar to work with psychedelics but also ah IDK.

[PepperBlossoms]

I think to feel better, I need to do some chores and feel like I am making progress with at least something ya know?

So... time to go take out the dishes...

[PepperBlossoms]

I had some more thoughts come in on the ghostwriter thing.

Well it is kinda like the ultimate "copy off of my paper" plagarism thing.

You write the book for someone else and then they put their name on it as if they wrote it and they sell it and make money for themselves.

I can see the idea where, well everyone had to be helped and taught to do certain things and no one does stuff alone.  I can see the idea, well people can have great things to share but be really bad at putting it into words and organizing it and so the ghostwriter could be really helpful for that, otherwise it may never get written and spread as easily.. unless the person does decide to go with video and do it that way or something.

In science class, this girl would always ask to copy off of my paper and sometimes I would say yes and sometimes no.  I would get annoyed at times too but she just never wanted to do the work and I was going to do it anyway and well... that is just what happened.

You could argue, oh that isn't fair, some people have to put in all this effort to get their books written and others just pay someone to write it for them.

I am seeing it is not black and white but rather has lots of grey areas.  The parts I struggle with are being okay with the "dark" part of the grey area.

The same went with Civil Engineering - I had a really hard time accepting the dark part of the grey area.  Yeah I can reason, oh this is all a dream, or oh once it is dead it won't care, but I was having a hard time.

Also, it is like, well is it okay to take a job knowing you don't want to do it for 20 years, knowing that you just want to use it as a test run to know if you want to proceed with that path or not?

...

I feel like I struggle with having lots of shame and insecurity still.  I think if I had any goal at all... for like when I make it to 40 years old, if that even happened... would be to have less shame and insecurity.  It would also be nice to have a home that is mine too but that feels so out of reach right now.  But heck, all the bugs/animals don't have homes; this whole idea of home all for yourself is relatively a really weird thing.

[PepperBlossoms]

I think I am feeling bad because I applied to those jobs too impulsively and am now realizing that if they do ask for an interview, at least the ghostwriting one, I am going to have to decline the interview.

I was thinking more on ghostwriting and I don't like the idea of writing the book for someone else and posing as them.  I had watched some videos on their company website and one thing they said was that employees need to be emotionally confident or something like that and I am rather the opposite - rather an emotional destruction.

Also, I am thinking about the intake technician thing at the neuropsychologist office thing and am thinking, well... if I am just asking questions from a list... that will get super boring and not have enough creativity and I am kinda overqualified for that... so that is out too.  So here I am realizing I am wasting the employer's time by them having to look over my resume and cover letter and then I am just going to turn around and say no thank you...

The other one, the crisis hotline, I remember thinking, well if I do that, I would want to start off as part time and not as full time just so I can get a feel for it but not be doing it everyday.................. 

Uh so yeah I failed.

I think I have always been quite impulsive when it comes to applying for jobs.  I am just so scared about the whole thing, like a cat jumping up in the air, that I just do it without thinking.

I guess though maybe I had to do that to then trigger the need to think more...

[PepperBlossoms]

I guess I am also aware, well the more places you apply and turn down, the more potential doors you are closing.

I turned down several engineering places I had applied to and then they said they wanted to interview and I said never mind....

I am the wishy-washy type person when it comes to some stuff...... I guess when it comes to job stuff it seems... but jobs have a huge impact on your life.

I really don't want to be a "wage slave".  I really don't want to do something that my values disagree with my actions.  I really don't want to do something that doesn't use my strengths or lacks any creative outlets.  Or pays so little that it kinda isn't worth doing in terms of being able to pay for stuff.

[PepperBlossoms]

If I go back to the "life purpose" stuff... well it has changed.  It went from just making good grades and doing good at my sport to surviving my job to trying to question and explore reality to trying to figure out my mental health.....

I don't really have a purpose.  I wake up and then I go to bed and some stuff happens in between that.

I liked the questioning and exploring reality but I question if that was a phase.  I liked the figuring out mental health stuff but I question if that was a phase.  I also kinda think the obsession with excercising and grades and sport was a phase.  And the obsession when I was religious was a phase.

So the next question is....

...

...

what is going to be my next phase of my life??...???

time will tell?

If I keep this doc and look at it in 10 years... maybe I will see what that is/was.

Maybe I need inspiration?

Maybe I don't need anything.

Maybe I need another mind-altering experience.

Maybe maybe.

[PepperBlossoms]

I am noticing that I am talking quite a bit about myself.

That is one of the downsides about focusing on mental health rather than what I did previously which was exploring reality - when you focus on mental health, you tend to focus on yourself quite a bit and then it tends to allow for lots of anxiety and insecurity because you are on the stage of attention; instead of when focusing on say delusions and metaphysics, reality/this existence/consciousness/constructs is/are on the stage of attention