I don't want to be a girlfriend... What kind of relationship I should be looking for?

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, puporing said:

@Preety_India It's harder with hyper-masculine types, even though they can be alluring, they're often the most possessive and strict about things like marriage, strict monogamy, children, and "ownership" (that's actually alot out of someone if you think about it, unless that's all lining up with what the woman wants too, basically asking someone to give up their life for them).

Just sharing bit of my experience with that, so you might not get your "ideal" so to speak but there are definitely guys out there who might be open to giving you some sovereignty. 

I absolutely agree. It's hard to find an ideal person who is not too possessive. 

 

 

[puporing]

I also think it would be hard to demand exclusivity for such a kind of arrangement, or it would make it a bit imbalanced. Basically you'd have to develop yourself to a point where jealousy is minimal and also the ability to be okay if things "don't work out" (ie, more chaos so to speak).

Maybe you just want a guy who doesn't want marriage and children so that's not quite the same thing as the above. There are plenty of guys also who are okay just being bf/gf that doesn't lead to marriage, maybe older guys are more open to this.

And better yet, just enjoy any relationships that come to you as a bonus to your life and not a need.

I don't know, it's something that can take time and experience to figure out.

Edited June 20, 2022 by puporing

[Natasha]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

I just want to eat the crispy chicken skin without the chicken meat.

Hehe

Yum ?

[puporing]

3 minutes ago, QQQ said:

Let the other person know your stance and how you feel. What you will find difficult is that you will face rejection on a more frequent basis, and this will be the most difficult thing to accept and integrate.

This 100%. 

[Preety_India]

8 minutes ago, QQQ said:

You said you don’t want to be submissive, well stop being submissive. Let the other person know your stance and how you feel. What you will find difficult is that you will face rejection on a more frequent basis, and this will be the most difficult thing to accept and integrate.

Hmm. I think I might have caused some confusion here. Sorry for that. 

I did not mean to say that I want to stop being submissive. I like and enjoy my submissive side a lot. 

And I enjoy being dominated. 

The only thing I don't want is pressure and obligations

That is, it's fine if I meet a guy who is dominating, it will match and complement my submissive side 

For example if he dominates me in an argument or preaches me then it's fine. 

Let's say he decides what restaurant we go to, that's fine too. I will do as he likes. 

What I don't want - him wanting to be at his beck and call. Him demanding that I marry him or be his girlfriend strictly for a stipulated period of time. All these pressures, commitments and obligations. 

That's the part I want to omit from the relationship. 

I only want the substance of the relationship without the strings 

 

[Preety_India]

@QQQ so following are the conditions. 

- he doesn't get mad if I spend too much time alone (because I'm an introvert) 

- he doesn't get jealous if I simply talk to other guys (flirting is not a part of this condition, I won't flirt if he doesn't like) 

- he doesn't get mad if he doesn't receive an immediate reply to his text 

- he is okay if I go on trips alone 

- he doesn't expect me to marry him 

- he is okay if I don't want to be his girlfriend or if I don't call him my boyfriend 

- him and I meet for sex and emotional intimacy and devote time to each other without expectations of the future 

- we don't cheat on each other 

- we don't have sex with anyone else. We are exclusive. 

- we spend quality time with each other whenever we are mutually available to each other but we don't force one another to spend time 

- he is dominating in his general demeanor and most everyday  decisions are taken by him and I'm his submissive puppy 

 

Edited June 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Phil777]

@Preety_India

3 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@QQQ so following are the conditions. 

- he doesn't get mad if I spend too much time alone (because I'm an introvert) 

- he doesn't get jealous if I simply talk to other guys (flirting is not a part of this condition, I won't flirt if he doesn't like) 

- he doesn't get mad if he doesn't receive an immediate reply to his text 

- he is okay if I go on trips alone 

- he doesn't expect me to marry him 

- he is okay if I don't want to be his girlfriend or if I don't call him my boyfriend 

- him and I meet for sex and emotional intimacy and devote time to each other without expectations of the future 

- we don't cheat on each other 

- we don't have sex with anyone else. We are exclusive. 

- we spend quality time with each other whenever we are mutually available to each other but we don't force one another to spend time 

- he is dominating in his general demeanor and most everyday  decisions are taken by him and I'm his submissive puppy 

 

Hey thanks for sharing your preferences and perspective. It's also quite insightful for us guys.

I would intuitively say as a preface that you resist the idea of being somones girlfriend based on your past relationships. From what you share these men were extremely needy and immature. To pressure someone into marriage is so so backwards. Marriage needs to be the crescendo of a mutually endorsed committment to one another.

If your name indicates an Indian origin, this may be a cultural thing and maybe the solution is to look into other cultures for men you find interesting.

I can only speak from experience that I want to be domineering, especially sexually, yet want my woman to self actualize, be independent, especially in thought and self worth. Woman who want to be my puppy (out of the bedroom) are a big turn off to me. She needs to be an independent entity and choosing to be with me, choosing to submit (again mostly sexually). Other than that I want a more friendship-esque interaction where both parties can be open - spiritually, intellectually and emotionally without being forced into roles. I think it's a sign for a lack of masculinity when you need to be controlling. You can have clear boundaries and rules as a base for the relationship but to mandate behaviour, speech and submission is an insecure move imho. 

That's why I like some of the boundary dissolving dynamics coming out of the LGBT community because it makes us reassess what out of typical man-woman, dominant-submissive dynamics actually make sense (for us), serve the higher good and which are simply regressive and one dimensional.

I definitely want to fuck women like they are my little submissive puppy though. That's like hard fucking wired into my brain stem lmfao.

Bottom line girl is the following: I think you can have exactly what you want. What you are describing isn't that far fetched. But maybe open yourself to the possibility that after a while of being with the right kinda guy, you want to be his gf, you want that official committment because it's authentic and not forced

[Preety_India]

@Phil777 you mean in terms of financial, then I'm independent and I don't need to depend on the guy for it.. 

If I say submissive, it's mostly in the bedroom. But I don't like to dominate men or tell them what to do. I like them doing their own thing without me having to tell them. I don't like submissive passive guys, they don't turn me on. 

If a guy dominates me outside the bedroom or tries to make decisions for me that's fine with me and I don't feel hurt by that. 

 

[Leo Gura]

 

[something_else]

12 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@Federico del pueblo exclusive but not a gf. No obligations. 

One of the girls I was seeing recently wanted this kind of relationship.

It was extremely confusing. When I ended things I said it was because I wasn't ready for a relationship and she kept talking about how she agreed and didn't want a relationship either and so we should stay together. But she wanted us to do everything that people in a relationship do  No man wants to navigate a situation like that, it's messy and awkward as fuck, and someone's gonna get hurt

You can't have it both ways. You either commit to a guy or you suck up your ego and go have some more casual relationships with zero obligations. Casual doesn't mean no emotional connection, it just means you have to be secure enough to not be remotely possessive or jealous over them

Edited June 20, 2022 by something_else

[Preety_India]

7 minutes ago, something_else said:

One of the girls I was seeing recently wanted this kind of relationship.

It was extremely confusing. When I ended things I said it was because I wasn't ready for a relationship and she kept talking about how she agreed and didn't want a relationship either and so we should stay together. But she wanted us to do everything that people in a relationship do  No man wants to navigate a situation like that, it's messy and awkward as fuck, and someone's gonna get hurt

You can't have it both ways. You either commit to a guy or you suck up your ego and go have some more casual relationships with zero obligations. Casual doesn't mean no emotional connection, it just means you have to be secure enough to not be remotely possessive or jealous over them

No thanks. There will always be guys ready for everything just like there are girls ready for everything. 

Depends on who you are bargaining with. 

 

[Preety_India]

@something_else I don't care who you dated. You aren't some standard male I need to look up to anyway. 

Your general rhetoric is always "every male is me" 

Sorry for breaking your bubble 

[something_else]

49 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@something_else I don't care who you dated. You aren't some standard male I need to look up to anyway. 

Your general rhetoric is always "every male is me" 

Sorry for breaking your bubble 

I'm simply giving you my perspective and drawing on some experience I have.

Of course you have no obligation to listen to anything I say, but you made a thread asking for advice/perspectives and I gave it, so no need to get angry.

You have a tendency to react very aggressively to advice that you don't like

56 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

No thanks. There will always be guys ready for everything just like there are girls ready for everything. 

Depends on who you are bargaining with. 

 

I mean... yes to an extent. Just because there's someone out there who will get into this with you doesn't mean it's a good idea for either of you to do it.

By all means go looking for it and see for yourself. Things will get messy because neither of you will really know what sort of relationship you are in and what the boundaries are. Men especially are often not particularly fond of this sort of emotional drama and lack of clarity in relationships either.

Just go have some fun casual relationships until you're ready for something more serious again. It sounds like you want to be very possessive over guys, which can prevent you from being able to build relationships with the most masculine/attractive dudes who aren't gonna be so fond of that

[Preety_India]

4 minutes ago, something_else said:

I'm simply giving you my perspective and drawing on some experience I have.

Of course you have no obligation to listen to anything I say, but you made a thread asking for advice/perspectives and I gave it, so no need to get angry.

You have a tendency to react very aggressively to advice that you don't like

 

And you have a tendency to trigger me with slighted passive aggressive condescending tone to your comments. I'm not angry. Just being salty to the meanness. I mean saying "no man wants to".... can appear mean. 

4 minutes ago, something_else said:

I mean... yes to an extent. Just because there's someone out there who will get into this with you doesn't mean it's a good idea for either of you to do it.

Hmm. I should always do what's best for me. 

4 minutes ago, something_else said:

By all means go looking for it and see for yourself. Things will get messy because neither of you will really know what sort of relationship you are in and what the boundaries are. Men especially are often not particularly fond of this sort of emotional drama and lack of clarity in relationships either.

Is that the reason why so many men have commitment phobia (the famously known relationship issue associated with the male gender), because oh men love love some clarity. What BS. The only men who want that are those men who have a head on their shoulders and a lot of men don't. 

I didn't say quality men with strict standards. I want someone who fulfills my needs. 

Women should stop giving a fuck about who they date and look for their own needs first. Enough of patriarchal nonsense. 

Anyways monogamous relationships are going out the window by the dozen. Women can choose whatever they want... And there will always be guys desperate enough to go for it. Because where else can men get sex except with women? 

4 minutes ago, something_else said:

Just go have some fun casual relationships until you're ready for something more serious again. It sounds like you want to be very possessive over guys, which can prevent you from being able to build relationships with the most masculine/attractive dudes who aren't gonna be so fond of that

I don't want to be some guy's one night stand. Maybe desperate girls for your casual sex trap. Not me. I have maintained myself as a virgin despite a man's hardest efforts to bed me. So I'm not waiting in line for that kind of worthless shit. 

And hell yeah I always attracted cocky masculine dudes. Because those are the only ones who turn me on. I am just trying to break even and who knows I might get luck. 

For a woman it's not that hard is it? 

[Valach]

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

 

And you have a tendency to trigger me with slighted passive aggressive condescending tone to your comments. I'm not angry. Just being salty to the meanness. I mean saying "no man wants to".... can appear mean. 

I am sorry to chime in if I have not much of value to provide. But I have to agree with @something_else here. I've noticed you are often very defensive when someone is trying to give you advice. And I don't see any condescending tone if what advice you recieved from  @something_else

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Valach said:

I am sorry to chime in if I have not much of value to provide. But I have to agree with @something_else here. I've noticed you are often very defensive when someone is trying to give you advice. And I don't see any condescending tone if what advice you recieved from  @something_else

You won't feel it because you're a man and not on the same level as me. I am bpd and I am sensitive to even slightest levels of meanness. I can detect when someone is deliberately invalidating me.the way someone interacts with me is the way I'll interact back with them. In other words I operate like a mirror.. I guess it's best to stick with the topic

[Valach]

@Preety_India You must admit however, that it's pretty hard to give a honest advice, if you are labeled as "mean" by you..

[Preety_India]

@Valach just stick with the topic please. Thanks. 

[Valach]

@Preety_India Alright. I think you should firstly identify why you want this arrangment. It seems that you want all the benefits of the relationship without any responsibilities. That's very hard to find and I myself as a men don't understand why I would give exclusivity to a girl I have no future with? Why do you want to be exclusive? What do you get out of it if you are not planning future with potential partner?

[Preety_India]

@Valach because I am only interested in the dynamic. I guess there are a lots of men who are uncertain about the future or don't wish to be committed either.