Boundaries

[bejapuskas]

Hi,

I am giving a lot of backstory, idk if it is that important, but you can skip to the end.

I recently started developing more strict personal boundaries after going to therapy and exploring my past, as well as contemplating a lot with my good friends what I want and what is truly mine.

I went quite deep and explored a lot of trauma. As a result, I became less open, naive and trusting than I was, which is perhaps good in some ways. This is also a result of realizing I am quite queer, which reduces the number of people who fully accept me quite significantly.

After questioning society, I also realized how so many things are messed up, which increased my ethical standards for what is acceptable for me. This also made my relationships and family life harder, because my parents for example victim blamed me for sexual harrassment and justified themselves so much, which really hurt.

When I was still more naive and open, I also travelled in many tourist places in India, where I lived for two years, which resulted in me getting scammed A LOT, even though I speak Hindi. This also developed some distrust in me, but I do not support racist views, as not all Indian people are scammers.

 

My question is, I really dont like this loneliness. I find it hard to only have very few people I trust and not being able to have as many conversations as before. I also feel unsafe in my familys house, which is really dumb. I also developed anger issues, because I am really fed up how people hurt me every day. My therapist just told me that I have to lower my expectations and there is not really something I can do. But is there really nothing? Do you guys have any advice? I just feel really unstable like this and I dont like it, but also I dont know how to go around it differently.

[Leo Gura]

So it just sounds like you need to socialize more and make more higher quality friends.

There is a billion people in India. How impossible could it be?

Try looking for more spiritual people in spirituality oriented places.

[puporing]

That can be tough, it's like you can see things clearer, not a bad thing. Is it convenient? Maybe not. My experience with that is just you have to sort through more people to find ones that are more loving and supportive, quality over quantity.

Consider moving to another country if you have to (if it's not working out where you are). Some places are more tolerant than others no doubt. So it depends on what you can put up with and desire in life. Some places it's almost impossible to do the kind of business you want for example because the environment is not trust worthy. 

[Salvijus]

2 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

I find it hard to only have very few people I trust

U can trust me, buddy

as your most trustworthy friend i'll tell u haven't articulated the problem properly or im just too dumb to get it, idk.

[somegirl]

2 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

I also developed anger issues, because I am really fed up how people hurt me every day.

I can so relate to this part. It's just that we tolerated people taking advantage of our good nature and kindness, that we "lose it" so easily today when we notice a tiniest sign of  someone trying to f us over,  because we naively tolerated it for too long. 

We're angry that people abused our innocent nature and kind spirit. 

Now. I get that you're kinda on a defense mode most of the time. You now see that people are able to hurt you (which you so naively believed couldn't happen to you).

But you have to know, there are other people in the world who are NOT a threat to you and who wish you only the best. Those people exist and you have to find them and befriend them. 

You can still be relaxed and have conversations with people you don't know. Be a little cautious with new people,  that's actually wise thing to do, but don't be too paranoid. Trust your gut. Smile. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Chances are, most people are not out to hurt you. You have to assess each person individually (some people just give off that suspicious vibe).

You have the power to let people get to know you as much as you let them. You choose how much you share with each person. You don't have to be an open book. Share as much as you are comfortable with.

 

[somegirl]

3 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

I find it hard to only have very few people I trust

And also, this is normal. You shouldn't trust everybody you meet, that's actually a ticket for disaster. Not everyone is your friend and that's normal. 

[SamC]

I have no idea If this helps bro; but I think that you have been afraid and tried to fight the darkness and injustices outside which in reality is a mirror that displays how you're trying to fight your own evil inside.

I had and have the opposite problem where I was afraid of the light and kind of " liked" the suffering and darkness so much so I counterintuitively trusted that more than my own light.

The darkness was my light. I think for you, you might have to go the other way around and love the evil, the darkness to death.

[Arcangelo]

35 minutes ago, somegirl said:

You don't have to be an open book.

 

[Danioover9000]

   It sounds like you still have work to do integrating those different aspects of your shadows. Don't worry, take your time, developing through the spiral stages, cognitive and moral development, changing your personality typing, managing your states of being and getting more life experiences don't happen all in one day or weeks, but months and years of inner work. If meditation taught you much, it is that things take time, be patient.

[Fernanda]

1 hour ago, SamC said:

The darkness was my light. I think for you, you might have to go the other way around and love the evil, the darkness to death.

Perfect advice! That will change the reflection.

If you fear being hurt, love that fear to death, then the deception with people won't get your attention that much, it will still happen, but you will move on so quickly as though it didn't happen.

[Preety_India]

In India you will have a lot of scammers. That's like super common. The most common experience for me as an Indian is being scammed. 

But over time you find people who aren't scammers especially those who are more grounded and simple. 

India is not a place where you will suffer terribly. Just minor stuff.. 

Other countries can be much more terrible in terms of safety because they use guns. 

In India people don't use guns. So you are not gonna be murdered.. 

You'll be fine if you made friends with some good Indian folks.. 

Depends on who you connect with. 

Please don't generalize. 

Just learn who to connect with and I'm sure you will have a pretty decent experience. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Also there are a billion people in India. 

You think that a billion people are going to be scammers? 

 

 

[bejapuskas]

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo, that sounds like a good advice, I have some really good spiritual friends who follow their life purpose and are very accepting. They often live a bit outside of my city, so I dont meet them as often, but things are usually good when I do. I guess I need to find more people like that in my city. As a constant traveller, I sometimes have to leave people behind which I guess results in this issue. But I dont have issues making good friends I guess its just that I changed countries now. (And will be moving again in 2 months)

@puporing I guess I can see things clearer yeh. Being open really served me well in the past but I guess I went too far. Luckily I am moving for university to the US and my school looks really high conscious with a lot of support. I think I will be fine there.

@Salvijus  It basically boils down to that I am very sensitive. My expectations are too high and also currently a lot of stuff is going on and also resurfacing from the past in me. My therapist told me to just change my expectations. It can help I guess but it also makes me feel powerless. Maybe I dont have much power in this regard, but I guess as others said, I can make more good friends. I have maybe like 3-5 really good ones here, more in foregin countries. Just gotta spend more time.

@somegirl Yeh, right, I react a lot to the slightest signs of people potentially trying to fuck me over. Often it actually prevents things and often my intuition is correct. So Its kinda scary, but also I guess from another perspective its good. The accessing people individually is a good piece of advice I think. Sounds accurate. I know I can do it, but yeh, I am on defence mode. I tried to fix people in relationships and I took Leos advice about being a giver too far. And yeh it really sounded like a big paradigm shift to me that I dont have to be an open book, I always just thought about the way to get there instead of thinking about whether I should even be considering it. I guess the part with the parents hurt, because my relationship with parents is like much worse, although not giga bad, compared to my friendships and relationships with other adults. 

@SamC Thats interesting what youre saying my friend. I can see how somehow I think of how I should consider others when they dont do the same thing back for me. Like when I validated my mums experience vs. how she victim blamed me about sexual harrassment. I certainly have a lot of darkness, I used to be able to accept it better, but then I lived in a very very liberal environment which really judged any kind of darkness and did not tolerate it, which I guess made me more insecure and unsure about the things I thought I had already integrated. I dont know how to begin again, but I guess its getting better, I see myself as less of a threat and my intrusive thoughts are fine.

[bejapuskas]

@Arcangelo  Thank you.

@Danioover9000  What shadows do you have in mind? Why exactly are you mentioning them?

@Preety_India  I am sorry if how I described my experience sounded racist. I actually met many nice Indian people before ever encountering the scammers. They were the reason I decided to study in India in the first place. And my experience did not lead to me just directing my anger at Indian people, it was more of a trigger that just made me explode and turn into defence mode against all kinds of people, white people too. For example, a few years back, I would never ask a waiter why they are taking so long but now I totally would. I didnt want to sound like I am generalizing I am sorry. It was also a lot of things that happened before my trip that were just leading to this abrupt change and nothing I said wasnt meant to do anything with race of people. I am sorry if it sounded that way. 

[Preety_India]

@bejapuskas you are a good guy. I don't mind anything. 

Just beware of bad people. 

And I hope you meet good people in life and everything turns out for the better. 

Boundaries always help. 

And also intuitively reading people. 

Sometimes people aren't as bad as we judge them to be. 

Hugs 

[puporing]

6 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

@puporing I guess I can see things clearer yeh. Being open really served me well in the past but I guess I went too far. Luckily I am moving for university to the US and my school looks really high conscious with a lot of support. I think I will be fine there.

Oh that's good to hear you have that option. Sounds like you're well on your way then.  

[bejapuskas]

@Preety_India @puporing Thank you