Praise and Love

[Mikey]

I totally have been contemplating love the passed couple of days, after watching Leo's video of Outrageous Experiments in Consciousness. I meditated this morning and couldn't stop thinking about why it's so hard for me to give love, and came up with the reason that I find it's hard to find understanding (or truth) in love. For instance, a mother will love its child unconditionally, however the motives of the mother will sometimes be from her own ego and not of being actualized and true to her kid. My mother, for example, is a Christian, and I am not. I have this notion that for me to love her, I have to see first how her ego is in effect, and therefore I am not unconditionally loving her, right? I am judging her, while she is judging me. But she thinks she's loving me unconditionally, from a mother's perspective. This fucking infuriates me, and any time she tries to win me over with her charm, I immediately want to vomit because of how her ego must be conjuring up some agenda to fuck me over.

 

Tldr; my mother is a Christian, and I am atheist. I love her because she raised me (somewhat) but I have a lot of resistance to actually showing her love unconditionally. 

 

And after writing this out I'm kind of getting the idea I just need to balance out my time with her? Not being so bipolar with how I love her, but really moderately loving her, even though that sounds sort of..... on the spectrum? Idk. Thoughts?

Edited June 19, 2022 by Mikey