What is your opinion on people who cheat/commit adultery?

[ZenAlex]

I've personally never been in a relationship, I am a schizoid.

But sometimes when I see the impact it has on people and recognising the level of betrayal, I cannot help but feel a bit of hatred towards cheaters.

Some of them literally just don't care. 

If they were just a teenager then I'd dismiss it as them being a dumb kid, but a fully grown adult however...

If you're going to make a promise to someone, then keep it, otherwise why should anyone else trust you?

 

[Breakingthewall]

Many people are in a relationship like someone who has a job: they need it but it's a pain in the ass. they need stability, to mean something to someone, to be loved and to love, but they also want to fuck with many girls, or boys (although it's more for men imo). since they do not conceive of having an open relationship, and having sex only with their partner until death do us part, it seems like death in life, and being without their partner seems unbearable to them, they lie and look for sex out there. a logical solution. I have been there and for me the only option, very difficult, has been to break up the couple. I can't be in a relationship since I start with that loop that lowers you and turns you into a scammer and a piece of shit. better alone

[Thought Art]

I don’t appreciate it at all. Reason my trust is low with intimacy 

[Preety_India]

I will let my lover  cheat 

This wasn't my mental equation a year ago. 

Now It's changed 

As long as loves me, I will let him do what he wants. 

Maybe I'm not in the right headspace. 

But I don't cheat, ugh, no. 

 

[puporing]

Many such people are not totally honest with themselves and with others for one; and they might be too afraid to even think the possibility of an "open relationship". Like I keep saying before there should be allowance for polyamory and monogamy both. It is partially because how intolerant our culture is towards polyamory/open relationships that cheating is more common.

Edited June 13, 2022 by puporing

[aurum]

6 hours ago, ZenAlex said:

If you're going to make a promise to someone, then keep it, otherwise why should anyone else trust you?

 

In my experience, it’s usually not that simplistic.

My father repeatedly cheated on my mother growing up. Therefore as a kid, I formed a pretty basic narrative of “dad=perpetuator and mom=victim”.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had to continually add complexity to that narrative in order to get a fuller picture of what really happened.

Of course this is just my personal situation. Other situations could be more cut and dry. But I feel that happens much less often then we think.

In a relationship, it usually takes two. Both when things go well and when things go poorly.

People often end up in relationship where one or both parties do not feel like their needs are being met. When that happens, cheating often follows.

It becomes the short term path of least resistance / conflict to getting those needs met. Even though it can come back to bite you.

This is not to excuse or deny the pain that cheating can cause. I still would not consider it a high consciousness activity since you are pretty seriously breaking internal and external integrity. But we have to understand why cheating occurs if we are to avoid it.

[Loba]

I used to care more with my first and only boyfriend - he cheated a lot but tbf we argued all the time and it wasn't a good relationship.  To be fair to myself, he was a borderline and he superimposed an image of who I was supposed to be in his eyes and then judged me harshly from that lens.  I lost trust in people - so now I'm at the other end of the spectrum where I just don't care if they stay or leave or cheat or whatever, I just can't make myself care enough about a relationship because the first one burned me out so much.  It's a protective shell, I know, but I need it for this lifetime.

When I hear of other people being cheated on, I feel for them for sure, it isn't fun.

Granted, where I am at now, I could do an open or closed relationship - you'd have to be a fantastic person for me to even consider caring about you.

I think people are not meant to be together as a couple, I think it is unnatural.  When I get crushes, I like more than one person usually, so why can't they?  Let's just get rid of the monogamy bullshit and then people would be much better off imo.

[Cassy0110]

On 13.06.2022 at 9:42 PM, Breakingthewall said:

Many people are in a relationship like someone who has a job: they need it but it's a pain in the ass. they need stability, to mean something to someone, to be loved and to love, but they also want to fuck with many girls, or boys (although it's more for men imo). since they do not conceive of having an open relationship, and having sex only with their partner until death do us part, it seems like death in life, and being without their partner seems unbearable to them, they lie and look for sex out there. a logical solution. I have been there and for me the only option, very difficult, has been to break up the couple. I can't be in a relationship since I start with that loop that lowers you and turns you into a scammer and a piece of shit. better alone

totally agree with you, especially about stability

[ZenAlex]

On 6/13/2022 at 8:06 PM, aurum said:

In my experience, it’s usually not that simplistic.

My father repeatedly cheated on my mother growing up. Therefore as a kid, I formed a pretty basic narrative of “dad=perpetuator and mom=victim”.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had to continually add complexity to that narrative in order to get a fuller picture of what really happened.

Of course this is just my personal situation. Other situations could be more cut and dry. But I feel that happens much less often then we think.

In a relationship, it usually takes two. Both when things go well and when things go poorly.

People often end up in relationship where one or both parties do not feel like their needs are being met. When that happens, cheating often follows.

It becomes the short term path of least resistance / conflict to getting those needs met. Even though it can come back to bite you.

This is not to excuse or deny the pain that cheating can cause. I still would not consider it a high consciousness activity since you are pretty seriously breaking internal and external integrity. But we have to understand why cheating occurs if we are to avoid it.

So are you saying people who are cheated on should consider themselves to blame?

You do realise that some people will cheat simply because they have options right? It's not always due to unmet needs, it's down to one person or two simply having more options.

[SgtPepper]

It's terrible because they lack integrity which I consider necessary for a happy peaceful life. It appears to be a product of mismatched values and childhood trauma. 

Also if you're in a serious relationship, putting yourself in situations that will tempt you is dumb. A serious partner would not want a fling or would transcend it and focus on building the relationship deeper.

If your partner will cheat, simply because they have options, then you have a poor partner and likely a partner that is not a good match for you. A good ideal partner will have options and still choose you. 

It's like picking out a dog, lots of dogs are cute, but you still pick one and forge a relationship with it until it dies.

Edited June 15, 2022 by SgtPepper

[aurum]

9 hours ago, ZenAlex said:

So are you saying people who are cheated on should consider themselves to blame?

That would be a reduced, simplistic strawman of everything I just said.

Please reread what I wrote if you’d like to understand my perspective.

It’s not about blame / shame. But our society does sometimes villainize cheaters because we are biased. We don’t like cheating, therefore we get out the metaphorical tar and feathers when someone cheats.

Healthy relationships are only possible when all parties take accountability for their actions.

And this is not to say there aren’t situations where one party may be much more responsible than another. I’m speaking generally here, not about every specific incidence of cheating.

9 hours ago, ZenAlex said:

You do realise that some people will cheat simply because they have options right? It's not always due to unmet needs, it's down to one person or two simply having more options.

 Not exactly.

I have the option to stick my head in a freezer right now until I get a brain freeze. Or to run out into the middle of traffic. Or break my cell phone.

There are always options.

The question is whether those options will meet needs.

To your point, having romantic options may increase someone’s ability to act out. And perhaps in some cases the option also creates a need that didn’t exist before.

But regardless, it’s still about needs. Always.