Why can't some people identify a lack integrity in others?

[integral]

I feel this is especially true for many women who end up in the same kind of unhealthy relationships over and over again and struggle to identify a good quality man.

They must've grown up in a family without integrity and so struggle to see it in others or at least it takes them a great deal of time. 

Often they need to be hurt by that person to realize that person lacks integrity. while healthy people can identify a lack on integrity easily within minutes.

Why is it immediately obvious to some and not two others?

Edited June 9, 2022 by integral

[gettoefl]

people seek value not integrity

most won't even know what integrity looks like and if they do they see little value in it

if they think about integrity at all they might say when our goals have been achieved then we can focus on integrity 

but now we have to do what we have to do

integrity takes enormous maturity

edit: integrity is almost religious! who has time for such esoteric stuff!

 

Edited June 10, 2022 by gettoefl

[Preety_India]

I think a lot of people (especially women who get into toxic relationships) value trust over integrity (ironically integrity is what helps build trust). But having someone who gives support, trust and intimacy in the moment is especially attractive to most women, they see it as a prize, historically women have been taught to trust men to protect and provide, they have been told to rely on a man for their needs and these are not necessarily material needs. A woman is also looking for comfort and protection. The man is her chocolate and candy bar. 

So when a woman comes across a low integrity man, the one thing this man (not every low integrity man) has to offer her is comfort, protection, validation, intimacy, support (both material and emotional) and trust. These qualities are almost exclusively desired by most women. The more feminine a woman, the more she would rely on the man. The more masculine a woman the more she will orient the man. A certain dependency is seen in most feminine women. This is natural and to a degree biologically enforced. A woman experiences a man's trust and domination even during sex. The thing is she does what we call a tradeoff. She happily trades integrity (because it doesn't occur as super important, consequences don't matter in the moment) for the qualities or values mentioned earlier. So even if he is a gangster, as long as he keeps her trust and supports her the way she wants to be protected, she is all fine with such a man. After all he fulfills her survival agenda. Women are very insecure in that category (historically). 

The problem with such women is that they are a bit low IQ. 

They don't realize (or they don't care enough) that a man with low integrity can hurt her at the drop of a dime. He is only superficially useful but deep down cannot be trusted. It's like sleeping with a lion. The lion protects you everyday from other predators. But someday the lion goes mad and you become his prey. 

That's the situation with these women. They choose a predator. One day this predator turns on them they pay a heavy price for trusting someone shallow. 

 

 

[puporing]

Good quality men are kind of rare actually. Maybe it doesn't seem that way but if you're a woman trying to date, it would become kind of clear quickly.

And for those that "settle", lot of the times it's simply "desperation". Bad family and economic situations (ie, imagine you were both from a bad family situation and your family/society didn't support women training/working and no mental health support) can drive one to be with anyone "acceptable" that comes along. In this kind of case, it takes more integrity for the woman to simply be on her own or figure out a way to. 

And yeah I'm not saying it's always like that.. mostly what I know of domestic shelter cases.

Edited June 10, 2022 by puporing

[Yarco]

19 hours ago, integral said:

They must've grown up in a family without integrity and so struggle to see it in others or at least it takes them a great deal of time. 

Sometimes the opposite. If you grew up in an ideal family and community, you haven't developed the mental muscles to detect deception. You've never been hurt by it and had a need to worry about it. 

If you've never been scammed you'll be more naïve and likely to fall for scams until life makes you a bit more jaded. It creates a blind spot, kind of like how autistic people can have difficulty detecting emotions in people's faces.

Having people hurt you or let you down in minor ways can act as an inoculation that keeps you on your toes, and prevents you from falling victim to catastrophic life-destroying scams.

Most people are okay at not falling for obvious Bitcoin scams or getting into relationships with criminals. But I think people overestimate their ability to detect a lack of integrity too. I've met a handful of legitimate psychopaths, sociopaths, and sadists... and they're always extremely charming and charismatic, you're instantly drawn to them and want to be their friend. They are really good at manipulating. You can only start to notice a lack of integrity over a period of weeks or months of interactions with them when their mask starts to slip. By that point you're likely already caught in their web.

Edited June 10, 2022 by Yarco