The Healthy Relationship Model (Inner Relating to Outer)

[Razard86]

When it comes to relationships you are just dealing with the light and shadow of yourself in another expressed to different degrees. This is a known psychological concept and is talked about by Carl Jung when he discusses things like human archetypes, the animus and anima, and the collective unconscious. For the purposes of this model I won't discuss any of that but you are definitely welcome to Google those terms if you want to further dissect and study these concepts. 

I want my model to be simple, I want it to be something you can tailor in your own life, I want it to be something that instead of telling you what to do, gets you to decide for yourself. YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE AUTHORITY OF YOUR LIFE, YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE.

Ok let's get started. There are two types of love. The love that is centered towards the self (please don't bring any no-self comments in here for the purposes of this model I'm trying to make it simple for those who may not be as Spiritually advanced) and the love that is centered around others.  BOTH FORMS OF LOVE ARE EQUALLY VALID AND MUST BE BALANCED. 

So how do you construct a healthy model of a relationship? Here are some things to consider.

• What are some fair expectations you have of yourself in a relationship? Is it fair to ask something of someone that you are not willing to do?
• When expectations are not met how forgiving or judgmental are you? Is it fair to be harsher on someone than you are with yourself?
• How patient are you? Are you able to be okay with someone having a different perspective, vision, and habits than you? 
• The most important one....are you able to see things from another perspective? Are you able to clearly see how your actions might harm or help another? But not only see it, but accept that they were your actions?

Ok so after we answer those questions now we can construct our model.

I will first treat myself with expectations that push me, but will show myself patience, kindness and understanding when I fall short. I will seek to first understand the motivation behind my actions by getting in touch with my emotions and feelings to discover what lies within. I will always remember that I am worthy of love.

• I will first treat my relationship with others with expectations that push us. 
• I will be patient , kind, and understanding of my partner when they fall short of expectations
• In a conflict I will first seek to understand their perspective BEFORE I communicate my own
• I will always remember that my partner is worthy of love

Now it sounds like everything is good so far but let's discuss some pitfalls shall we. 

DO NOT PERFORM ANY ACTION IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP OUT OF DUTY. If you do it will be you "keeping score." This is why when some couples get into arguments they start talking about the List. That list is so famous, the I've done this and that for you list. When you do something out of love, its done without the expectation of getting something in return.

Now let's talk about expectation. Expectations are important because they are the foundation the relationships are based on but you must NOT hold too tightly to them. The only expectation that should be held tightly is your worthiness of love and respect. NEVER TOLERATE A RELATIONSHIP FULL OF DISRESPECT AND ABUSE. If you wouldn't do it to yourself or others, then you are not required to receive that behavior.

Now this is for the guys....since its mostly a guy problem when dealing with women. Learn to stop being so logical, to stop being in your head constantly analyzing. Learn to drop all thought, and connect with your emotions. Learn to be in the moment. Meditation practices can certainly help with this.

Now understand that when someone is in a relationship with you, they are joining you in experiencing life. Part of life is impermanence. Life is dynamic, it is ever changing. You must accept both the change within you and your partner. But also....introduce change into your relationship with your woman. Learn to be dynamic like life. Don't maintain routine all the time switch it up!!

Now this is for the women. Just because a guy is confident around you doesn't mean he is a confident guy. You need to see how he is in other areas. In my social circle I see a lot of women falling for immature guys who display confidence around them but are insecure in other aspects of life. Also do not put up with a guy if you believe he is trying to control you. Leadership and control are two different things. A leader inspires and encourages you to follow them, they don't try to control you. And lastly understand that men are both biologically and socially trained to repress their emotions, and lead more towards analysis. Most men have limited emotional intelligence and it takes patience in getting him to learn to connect with your emotions.

Communication is very important, you need to communicate to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page as your lives start to become more entwined. The problem is men and women communicate differently in general and as a result struggle to connect emotionally and psychologically. Both need to be aware of this dynamic and work to bridge the gap. 

The number one rule of every relationship is this. "You are NOT responsible for your partner's happiness." The number two rule is this. "You are responsible for not ADDING to their misery." You cannot USE your partner to fix your lack of happiness. If you want to be in a relationship because you are "lonely." Then you will be "lonely" in a relationship. The only difference is you will be able to blame your partner for something that you are doing to yourself. This is self-delusion. 

Your partner cannot change what feelings you have inside, all they can do is amplify. So your partner can INCREASE your happiness, or they can DECREASE it. But they cannot generate those feelings within you. You are the generator.

How to balance the relationship.

Your relationship with another is a balancing act between "Me" Time and "We" Time. Both individuals need to take time apart every now and then to pursue what is important to them. Remember a healthy relationship is between WHOLE people. If not...they will take out the part they lack on you and blame you for their incomplete feeling. 

If you have any questions....please send them here.

 

[Fernanda]

6 hours ago, Razard86 said:

Communication is very important, you need to communicate to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page as your lives start to become more entwined. The problem is men and women communicate differently in general and as a result struggle to connect emotionally and psychologically. Both need to be aware of this dynamic and work to bridge the gap. 

Thank you for this post. I will think about each topic you brought here. About communication...I do think that’s a rare gift. There are great and loving people who have serious communication issues, which makes relationships almost impossible or very unhappy in the long term. Open honest communication is sooooo rare. I mean...some people are used to use words to react. Even for me (I consider myself good at it) there is this obstacle of communicating my vulnerabilities. Relationships are all about communication. I hope Leo can make a video on this topic soon.

I can say that sometimes I am very afraid to share my feelings, which is a childhood issue I'be been working on, as well as fear of being ignored or not understood. I've ignored my true nature for so long, it's like I am learning to walk again. I've made good progress. I am healing deep.

Thank you @Razard86???

[Vincent S]

@Razard86 Lovely ??✨ 

Keep up the good work ?

[Razard86]

On 6/9/2022 at 9:16 PM, Fernanda said:

Thank you for this post. I will think about each topic you brought here. About communication...I do think that’s a rare gift. There are great and loving people who have serious communication issues, which makes relationships almost impossible or very unhappy in the long term. Open honest communication is sooooo rare. I mean...some people are used to use words to react. Even for me (I consider myself good at it) there is this obstacle of communicating my vulnerabilities. Relationships are all about communication. I hope Leo can make a video on this topic soon.

I can say that sometimes I am very afraid to share my feelings, which is a childhood issue I'be been working on, as well as fear of being ignored or not understood. I've ignored my true nature for so long, it's like I am learning to walk again. I've made good progress. I am healing deep.

Thank you @Razard86???

No problem. But are you sure you are afraid to share your feelings? You have been doing it on this forum no problem. Are you sure its not fear of sharing your feelings when interacting with a live person? Or perhaps in an intimate close relationship such as a friendship or romantic partner? The key to finding answers is to ask questions. What do you think it is?

[Fernanda]

3 hours ago, Razard86 said:

Are you sure its not fear of sharing your feelings when interacting with a live person? Or perhaps in an intimate close relationship such as a friendship or romantic partner?

Yes, that's it. Both. I am afraid to share feelings in person. I don't know exactly why, especially in a close relationship. Very clarifying.

Edited June 12, 2022 by Fernanda

[Razard86]

2 hours ago, Fernanda said:

Yes, that's it. Both. I am afraid to share feelings in person. I don't know exactly why, especially in a close relationship. Very clarifying.

You know a poster on this forum made an interesting point that I will share. Part of getting rid of that is just interacting with other people, especially ones you don't know. When we don't interact with others as much, we can become more introverted (especially if that is your usual nature) and start becoming too judgmental of ourselves. The best thing to do is to practice loving yourself internally. There is a book you can check out called "WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU TALK TO YOURSELF by Dr. Shad Helmstetter. 

I think it can help. We need to learn to be good friends with ourselves. Learn to en-courage yourself en= place inside, courage= strength to face fears. So when you speak kindly and highly of yourself you are giving yourself courage. Do it daily, you deserve it.