Is the desire to sleep around rooted purely in low self-esteem?

[Valach]

Hello guys,

 

There is one thing I was recently ruminating over and I would like to know your opinion. I am currently in 1 year relationship, that has been great without any major issues. I feel like I am very compatible with my current partner, be it on personal, social or sexual level. However one thing that has been holding our relationship back and that might cause eventual break up is my desire to be single, gain some cool experiences with other girls, improve my social skills, learn proper game etc.

However after talking to some friends (female mostly) and reading up opinions online, it seems that usually people sleeping around are doing that because of their low self esteem and their desire to be validated by others. Which obviously doesn't really solve self confidence issues, just makes the person feel shallow. Now I am questioning my real cause of my desires. Maybe if I worked on myself more and built a better relationship with myself I would be able to get over this want and let it go? Though it seems like I've improved my self esteem and the desire went nowhere. 

Any opinions, experiences on this?

[something_else]

Sometimes it is rooted in insecurity, if it's excessive.

But there is also value to exploring and seeing what's out there. When you go to buy a new car, you don't just pick the first one you stumble into, you look about and see what's available and best suited to you

There is also a lot of value to going out and having tons of cool new sexual and social experiences for guys in that it forces you to exit your comfort zone a lot and develop charisma, social skills, masculinity etc.

 

[flowboy]

I still struggle with this at times, but I have to come to a conclusion for me personally.

Which may or may not help you out.

I really enjoy being single. It's fun to do what I want, sleep with who I want, et cetera.

But there's a bit of an agitating quality to it as well, because it's never satisfying.

It's not really about validation for me anymore, but there is a sense of not having experienced enough.

This feeling was there when I was 15 and others around me were getting girlfriends and having sex, and I felt hopelessly behind.

The feeling grew every time I "missed an opportunity" due to being awkward / socially inept / in my head.

So now there's a part of my psyche which still feels like it's missing out, but its thirst can never be quenched.

I've been with a LOT of women (not a crazy amount, but more than the Leo recommended dose)

Every time I have sex, I feel good about it for one day, then the feeling comes back.

Stronger.

I still feel like I'm missing out on so much, and my mind justifies it by imagining crazier things that I haven't done yet.

First, it was this regular thing.

Having done that, now I still feel like I'm missing out on this crazy thing that only happens in porn.

And it just builds like that. I don't think there's an end to it.

 

So knowing that it never satisfies the feeling, rather even makes it stronger, that's important information.

The pursuit itself, fun as it is, doesn't lead anywhere.

 

Unless...

You know when to hop on and when to hop off.

Even though dating and sex are ultimately not satisfying, they are fun.

I will only hop off that train when something better comes along.

A woman who is so overwhelmingly amazing that I immediately forget about other women and my fantasies, they all pale in comparison to being with her. Where the match is so perfect that I feel like just being around her feels like home, and at the same time it's growing me in ways I can't even comprehend.

I've met someone like that.

I did not regret hopping off the crazy sex train for THAT.

 

Other women whom I've dated for a couple months, I just had fun with and seemed compatible with. I still wasn't able to commit.

For me, the match has to be really good and compelling, the connection really deep, that it just becomes OBVIOUS that this is the right thing.

If not, I find it best to not waste each other's time for more than a few weeks.

Edited June 9, 2022 by flowboy

[Thought Art]

Here is a cool podcast episode from Sounds True on the subject you may find helpful

https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/sounds-true-insights-at-the-edge/id307934313?i=1000545647378

Many humans when young or old want to explore. Totally normal. 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 6/9/2022 at 5:48 AM, Valach said:

Hello guys,

There is one thing I was recently ruminating over and I would like to know your opinion. I am currently in 1 year relationship, that has been great without any major issues. I feel like I am very compatible with my current partner, be it on personal, social or sexual level. However one thing that has been holding our relationship back and that might cause eventual break up is my desire to be single, gain some cool experiences with other girls, improve my social skills, learn proper game etc.

However after talking to some friends (female mostly) and reading up opinions online, it seems that usually people sleeping around are doing that because of their low self esteem and their desire to be validated by others. Which obviously doesn't really solve self confidence issues, just makes the person feel shallow. Now I am questioning my real cause of my desires. Maybe if I worked on myself more and built a better relationship with myself I would be able to get over this want and let it go? Though it seems like I've improved my self esteem and the desire went nowhere. 

Any opinions, experiences on this?

I mean wanting to sleep around isn't inherently unhealthy. There are lots of people who do that for the sake of exploration or to simply satisfy their sexual needs until they feel ready for a relationship. 

It's just that there is a common cultural narrative of men seeing women as conquests and wanting to have a high body count so that they can have a  dick measuring contest with their friends. Obviously, this isn't a healthy reason to try to sleep around and can cause men to behave rather disrespecfully. 

[Batman]

The drive to sleep with many partners is usually a form of unconsciousness by ego, yes.

But it is not all pervasive. There are some who like to connect to others by sex. Other than that, it mostly an urge to either receive approval for their worthiness or feel good about themselves. 

[Raze]

If you are seeking fulfillment from it, yes.

[Striving for more]

Who gives a fuck? 

It's better than being a incel. 

If you sleep around you have a much higher chance of getting a girl anyway. 

Just stop "Thinking around". 

Stop thinking. 

Go get laid, keep doing it. 

Go impregnate women across the globe. 

And then cry about it afterwards.

Then do it some more. 

 

Edited June 13, 2022 by Striving for more

[something_else]

41 minutes ago, Striving for more said:

Go impregnate women across the globe

How about don’t do that lol

[Striving for more]

7 hours ago, something_else said:

How about don’t do that lol

It's called a joke you autistic fuck. 

[something_else]

40 minutes ago, Striving for more said:

It's called a joke you autistic fuck. 

It doesn’t read like one

[universe]

No it's not. Just as much as the desire to stay in a closed relationship isn't as well.

There is a difference between wanting to sleep around and needing to sleep around.

Or wanting to stay together with a person and needing to stay together for that matter.

 

Behind your desire to be single is there also fear about being in a commited relationship?

 

[integral]

The young don't value a good relationship yet, valuing things and grateful for what you have comes with experience. 

i've dated around and I'm more than happy to have found someone that i connect with. 99.99% of people are not worth the sex and the experiences you have with them will often lead to insecurities and trauma. Your assuming only good experiences will come. At the same time you need does experiences to grow up. 

At this point in my life i only date people who need me and that im bringing value into there lives or else its not worth it.

Edited June 14, 2022 by integral