Sometimes i want to Kill People

[SQAAD]

Today i went outside and was looking to buy L-Tryptophan (a supplement for increasing serotonin). Initially i went to 3 pharmacies and asked for it but they didn't have it. Frankly most of them didn't even know anything about it (lol).

Then i went to a 4th pharmacy. There was a middle aged lady who seemed like snob to me. Her whole vibe was not looking good at all. The 1st sign of disrespect was that, as i entered the store, she didn't pay me any attention and kept on chatting with a friend/associate of hers. That was probably the 1st sign/clue that i should get the fk out of there. 

So after she finally decided to pay me attention (i had to wait a lil bit), then i asked her the supplement i wanted. She replied coldly ''i haven't even heard of that''. Immediately i felt bad. It's not what she said, but how she said it with her disrespecting look on her face...

Then i asked one last question. Again she replied with the same cold disrespectful, heartless manner. 

Afterwards, when i was out of the store, my mind was entertaining thoughts of re entering the store and insulting her or something. But my prefrontal cortex put a break to such plans. I know better and most of the time i handle myself well. 

I felt intense deep suffering but i tried to remain as conscious as possible. 

Still though, i can totally understand people who end up killing others. The way that you get treated in this society is many times very awful. And if you have grew up without much love, and this pattern of lovelessness keep repeating itself into adulthood, then many people reach a breaking point, and they want revenge. They want to get even.

Wanting to kill people is a natural thing. Your animal brain basically is like ''Kill people, because they are  the source of your misery''. This kind of instinct has helped us survive. It is a built in function. Aggression is bult in our biology.

Sure it is not the most sophistacted method for dealing with problems and i am not  a fan of it. But i think there is a breaking point for all of us if conditions get too extreme.

I haven't seriously contemplated killing people yet. Sometimes the desire may arise. I believe this is normal. Especialy when i feel very very disrespected. 

The intense feeling of hurt and suffering eventually passes. I journal about it and process it as best i can . That is the good thing. Still though, there are some people outthere that are so disrespectful , so low consciousness, that i would wanna destroy if i was in a rage state. That is because i have been hurt before by such sh*tty people. And there are certain people that i despise very much. I cannot love people who intentionally decrease the well being of others. I want to torture such people sometimes..

I probably wouldn't hesitate killing a Hitler for example. Because i consider such people the scums of the earth. That is the truth. And i won't act more spiritual than i am . Keep in mind, that i do not kill ants and animals & i pay attention when walking as much as possible to not stomp on them. Animals never have hurt me.

https://youtu.be/p1RbktOlM54

 

Edited June 9, 2022 by SQAAD

[Preety_India]

I probably should have murdered all of my exes with a big rifle by now 

 

The amount of mistreatment and disrespect I suffered was beyond unbearable. 

I even landed in hospitals in two different relationships. 

And I had been super duper duper nice to them in the relationship. They called me the ideal girlfriend. Yes ideal for abuse. 

 

So chill bro....... Your story pales in comparison 

 

[Breakingthewall]

Why do you think that since prehistory, in all cultures and tribes, if someone felt disrespected, they fought? I don't think it was for the pleasure of seeing a guy in front of you with a knife trying to cut your guts out. when you feel that you are not being given the respect you deserve, you feel that energy is being stolen from you. you feel that in the litter of mammals you are left aside, behind. that in the cave you are separated from the fire. cold, hunger, death. acceptance is warmth and life, rejection cold and death. So it's in our genes. you can go beyond this, but it is very difficult

 

Edited June 9, 2022 by Breakingthewall

[SQAAD]

@Preety_India

5 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I probably should have murdered all of my exes with a big rifle by now 

 

The amount of mistreatment and disrespect I suffered was beyond unbearable. 

I even landed in hospitals in two different relationships. 

And I had been super duper duper nice to them in the relationship. They called me the ideal girlfriend. Yes ideal for abuse. 

 

So chill bro....... Your story pales in comparison 

 

Many times we invite such behaviors. You let them treat you that way. There are some narcissistic scums of the earth in this existence, who look for the ideal victim. They look for someone to manipulate and do all their selfish devilish bs.

Nowadays i put boundaries to people. I used to be a people-pleaser. To be honest, i am still a people pleaser but to a lesser degree. 

I don't like that you compare and downplay my suffering. My suffering was very intense. We all suffer.

A war veteran with PTSD who has seen people getting raped and chopped off with machetes could also downplay our suffering. How would that make you feel though?

 

Edited June 9, 2022 by SQAAD

[SQAAD]

@Breakingthewall

13 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

Why do you think that since prehistory, in all cultures and tribes, if someone felt disrespected, they fought? I don't think it was for the pleasure of seeing a guy in front of you with a knife trying to cut your guts out. when you feel that you are not being given the respect you deserve, you feel that energy is being stolen from you. you feel that in the litter of mammals you are left aside, behind. that in the cave you are separated from the fire. cold, hunger, death. acceptance is warmth and life, rejection cold and death. So it's in our genes. you can go beyond this, but it is very difficult

 

Yes this is so true man. 

Some people act very spiritual and are quick to deny/suppress the animal inside us. But there is much wisdom behind aggresion and violence.

When i was younger, i used to read Conan The Barbarian. What i liked about him was that he always said ''Civilised people disrespect one another. But this is because they do not fear getting their head chopped off'' You see in Conan's country, in Kimmeria it would be very dangerous to treat others badly. But nowadays people in civilised society have much more leeway. There are prisons and etc that make you think twice before doing a silly move.

Edited June 9, 2022 by SQAAD

[Preety_India]

4 minutes ago, SQAAD said:

@Preety_India

Many times we invite such behaviors. You let them treat you that way. There are some narcissistic scums of the earth in this existence, who look for the ideal victim. They look for someone to manipulate and do all their selfish devilish bs.

Nowadays i put boundaries to people. I used to be a people-pleaser. To be honest, i am still a people pleaser but to a lesser degree. 

I don't like that you compare and downplay my suffering. My suffering was very intense. We all suffer.

A war veteran with PTSD who has seen people getting raped and chopped off with machetes could also downplay our suffering. How would that make you feel though?

 

Hmm. You have a valid point. See you gave me a much bigger context now. So I can easily emphasize with you now. Earlier in your original post, it sounded a bit immature that you were complaining about a store clerk not paying you attention which I have to face on a regular basis and I have gotten used to it by now. 

I apologize for comparing the suffering. But generally when you suffer so much over a cause that's not very long lasting (example a one off situation as this) it means you got deeper issues to work on. I don't know your age. Age matters too. 

I did not let them treat them this way or like it, I was attached, I was trusting and I didn't know better. Should a naive trusting person be taken advantage of just because they are naive. Do they really deserve it? Nobody deserves to be mistreated.. 

Now coming to your situation. Sometimes you gotta empathize with people. Deep down they might not be happy and this state of misery is reflected on others. They take out their anger by acting rude to others. Also they could be stressed due to work.. 

Remember they're dealing with people day in day out. You're dealing with them only on occasions. But they're having to deal with all kinds of people everyday. This can easily make them immune and insensitive to the experiences of customers, no wonder they expect you to put up with them. 

You need to practice letting go. Wanting to kill someone over such a small thing is kinda ridiculous. Yea that person was a bit insensitive. But killing? 

If that person had been a regular bully, I'd have still said it's okay to harbor hate. 

But this is a situation with a stranger who is not a people friendly person. They may not be evil, just annoying 

 

[something_else]

Dude, what? She didn't even do anything to you!

'She didn't give me immediate attention and was slightly cold towards me, so she has totally disrespected me and ruined my day. Now I want to murder her'

If you're this fragile in social interactions, you're absolutely fucked my man

Edited June 9, 2022 by something_else

[Breakingthewall]

@SQAAD well, in conan's time they cut your balls off, made you a slave and sold your wife and kids to a brothel. That was disrespect. Today we have it easy with a little assertiveness. if you tell that lady: what a poor service, let's see if you learns to treat customers...and that's it, you'll be happy. Another thing is if you are in a Nigerian prison and you have to be respected there... that can be very difficult. but in normal western life it's easy, just say what you think. it is rare that no one tries to kill you, although some conflict can always occur. The good thing is that when you get used to setting limits, people perceive it and treat you with respect. if you are not able to do it, they also perceive it and treat you badly. 

The solution: set limits, maybe exaggeratedly at first, that it even causes you remorse for so much that you have said, but do not miss the opportunity to do it, you will establish a pattern and with time it will no longer be necessary

Edited June 9, 2022 by Breakingthewall

[SQAAD]

@something_else

1 hour ago, something_else said:

Dude, what? She didn't even do anything to you!

You don't know that.

1 hour ago, something_else said:

'She didn't give me immediate attention and was slightly cold towards me, so she has totally disrespected me and ruined my day. Now I want to murder her'

No. That is your silly interpretation. I did not say that. In this particular case i just wanted to insult her. In other more extreme case, yes i might want to kill someone. Usually hurt them at most times. And that is perfectly fine.

Read the thread more carefully.

 

1 hour ago, something_else said:

 

If you're this fragile in social interactions, you're absolutely fucked my man

Unhelpful low level advice. If that was true, i would not be sitting in my house right now. I would be in prison. I have endured much things without reacting to it.

I guess you are the type of person who is immune to human insult and disrespect. Usually only psychopaths are able of such extraordinary unhuman feats.

Edited June 9, 2022 by SQAAD

[SQAAD]

@Breakingthewall

16 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

@SQAAD well, in conan's time they cut your balls off, made you a slave and sold your wife and kids to a brothel. That was disrespect. Today we have it easy with a little assertiveness. if you tell that lady: what a poor service, let's see if you learns to treat customers...and that's it, you'll be happy. Another thing is if you are in a Nigerian prison and you have to be respected there... that can be very difficult. but in normal western life it's easy, just say what you think. it is rare that no one tries to kill you, although some conflict can always occur. The good thing is that when you get used to setting limits, people perceive it and treat you with respect. if you are not able to do it, they also perceive it and treat you badly. 

The solution: set limits, maybe exaggeratedly at first, that it even causes you remorse for so much that you have said, but do not miss the opportunity to do it, you will establish a pattern and with time it will no longer be necessary

Yes i try to do that sometimes. But other times my mind is like ''you will never see this fker again so better don't even waste your time and mental resources on this bs''

I wanted to insult her and tell her something like ''you should at least know what l-tryptophan is , if you are a pharmacist''.

The difficult thing is not trying to hurt the other back. Setting limits is a good advice . Tough to do sometimes. Most of the times we wanna avoid negative encounters with people.

[SQAAD]

@Preety_India

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

But generally when you suffer so much over a cause that's not very long lasting (example a one off situation as this) it means you got deeper issues to work on. I don't know your age. Age matters too. 

I did not let them treat them this way or like it, I was attached, I was trusting and I didn't know better. Should a naive trusting person be taken advantage of just because they are naive. Do they really deserve it? Nobody deserves to be mistreated.. 

Now coming to your situation. Sometimes you gotta empathize with people. Deep down they might not be happy and this state of misery is reflected on others. They take out their anger by acting rude to others. Also they could be stressed due to work.. 

 

You need to practice letting go. Wanting to kill someone over such a small thing is kinda ridiculous. Yea that person was a bit insensitive. But killing? 

If that person had been a regular bully, I'd have still said it's okay to harbor hate. 

But this is a situation with a stranger who is not a people friendly person. They may not be evil, just annoying 

 

I like that you admit your mistakes. That is a sign of increased consciousness on your part. I appreciate that.

The suffering was intense and deep but now it has subsided. I barely feel it now after like 4-5 hours. It is not like i suffer from this constantly or want revenge . After 1-2 days i get over such incidents. That is the good thing. Now i feel pretty good .

And i did not want to kill that lady. That statement of wanting to kill people is just an abstract desire i have at times when i feel very bad because of mistreatment for others. I almost never want to seriously kill anyone. If i am in a state of deep anger and rage then i think we all have ideas of seriously hurting the other. That is normal .

As far as your previous bad experiences with guys, i believe you did let them abuse you. Unconsciously you allowed such behavior. You did not know any better so noone can judge you. This is a pattern that keeps repeating itself with many women. It has all to do with how we grew up.

When we grow up with bad parents, we end up not liking ourselves very much , and we let others treat us badly , because we believe that we don't deserve any better.

It is a common trap for women to fall pey to narcissistic scums & psychopaths out there. 

 

Edited June 9, 2022 by SQAAD

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, SQAAD said:

The suffering was intense and deep but now it has subsided. I barely feel it now after like 4-5 hours. It is not like i suffer from this constantly or want revenge . After 1-2 days i get over such incidents. That is the good thing. Now i feel pretty good .

Well at least that's good news. Although I still feel like you have some hidden disorder, imbalance, rage issues, maybe hidden ptsd or similar condition that is probably undiagnosed, because I remember that I would go nuts and want to destroy everything whenever I was angry for being mistreated, later I got diagnosed with Cptsd and now bpd. So there was always a reason why I was acting like that. I didn't kill anyone, I never injured anyone, just broke things and threw them at the wall to express my borderline rage, but now I understand why I was doing all that. It sometimes helps to figure out what's festering inside to manage it better next time, just dropping a hint, not diagnosing. 

 

[Breakingthewall]

26 minutes ago, SQAAD said:

my mind is like ''you will never see this fker again so better don't even waste your time and mental resources on this bs''

Big mistake . realize that the thing is encysted in your mind and eats you from the inside like a worm. you can't let pass single one. for one you let pass, you will get two, or more. are patterns, karma. It's a serious thing, causes social anxiety, etc. Be assertive is very important  

Avoid the conflict is a mistake, in case of doubt, always is better to regret because you went too far that for the opposite 

Edited June 9, 2022 by Breakingthewall

[Elton]

2 hours ago, SQAAD said:

 

Afterwards, when i was out of the store, my mind was entertaining thoughts of re entering the store and insulting her or something. But my prefrontal cortex put a break to such plans. I know better and most of the time i handle myself well. 

 

@SQAAD can you try going back tobher today or maybe tomorrow and tell her that hey I dispise you because you treated me in a disrespect way yesterday and I'm truly hurt about it I felt very sad and unacknowledged when you behaved the way you did with me yeaterday.

Maybe something was wrong with her personal life and that's why she treated you like that?

[something_else]

40 minutes ago, SQAAD said:

You don't know that.

Are you leaving out a part of the story where she shouts at you for nothing? I re-read that part of your thread, all you say is that she didn't give you attention, and was cold when you spoke to her.

41 minutes ago, SQAAD said:

No. That is your silly interpretation. I did not say that. In this particular case i just wanted to insult her. In other more extreme case, yes i might want to kill someone. Usually hurt them at most times. And that is perfectly fine.

Read the thread more carefully.

The main story of your thread is about a pharmacy clerk who you believe disrespected you

 Your thread is titled 'Sometimes I want to kill people'

And after that story you talk about how you understand why people want to kill when they are disrespected.

I believe my interpretation is perfectly fair.

44 minutes ago, SQAAD said:

Unhelpful low level advice. If that was true, i would not be sitting in my house right now. I would be in prison. I have endured much things without reacting to it.

I guess you are the type of person who is immune to human insult and disrespect. Usually only psychopaths are able of such extraordinary unhuman feats.

It wasn't meant to be advice, it was meant to tell you that your emotional response in this situation seemed very over the top to me, and encourage you to be less fragile about similar situations.

I'm not immune to human insult and disrespect at all, far from it. I have social anxiety, that shit hits hard. But it doesn't make me wanna insult, hurt or kill people over small matters of disrespect

[Ima Freeman]

@SQAAD

Being disrespected, especially being adversed by others is one of the biggest fears in human psyche.
Being disliked by others in a tribe puts you into life threatening danger.
Humans in modern society do not live in small tribes with very limited resources any more. 

There are situations in which it is necessary to show boundaries and tell people that they crossed a line.
That is, if they live with you or are part of your daily environment (e.g. workplace).
Otherwise you can turn into a doormat for sadistic venting by others. 

I understand your situation, because I suffered from murder thoughts in the recent past.
Things like stabbing my relatives, cutting heads off. The daydreams revolved around others showing disrespect towards me and me killing them in a utterly unproportional manner.

I still do have thoughts of violence towards others, but they are very rare now.
In my case it was due to brain health issues, because I detoxed heavy metals. This made my mind extremely agitated. The rage is still a natural reflex, that healthy people with an stable, peaceful environment normally do not encounter.

People with an unhealthy, overstimulated brain come into contact with the primal fear I described above.
Sounds like this could be the case with you.
Being treated violently in the past could be a factor too, as was the case for me.


Anyways I would recommend you to not try to deny the violent, stage redish type of your psyche.

Instead contemplate on it and let it be.
Try to accept and learn about this part of the psyche. That should reduce the feeling of shame and guilt.

And very important, look into detoxing, nutrition and health in general. You want to detox agitating chemicals out of your body and find foods that are calming to you not stimulating or inflaming.
 

[ZenAlex]

I think the main problem is that disrespect bothers you so much. Get over yourself. You're not entitled to respect.

[Jowblob]

You have to look at it differently man, if your conscious would be at a higher level you could've easily known that she was probably acting like that because of low consciousness. Specially the older generation from like below the 70s have low consciousness they don't know any better. Jesus said, father forgive them for they know not what they do. When i reached a certain point in my consciousness development it stopped bothering me, back then when my consciousness was low and my ego was big i would beat them up for disrespect thats how i got 35-40 fight . My advice is just to lower your ego and just show that it doesnt bother you, you will get liked for showing no ego or care to insults. Ofcourse when it happends often or bullying you can fight them to teach them a lesson. But usually people are like that is because of their low quality of consciousness and their personal problems has usually nothing to do with you. Most of the time these people are miserable trust me on that. So sometimes just suck it up and lose your ego, it's a sign of high quality consciousness. Im the kind of guy that would beat everyone easily but still sometimes get some disrespect and it doesnt bother me. Trust me if they disrespect you specially around other people, most often these other people wont like them for their ego/ low quality consciousness.

[Michael Jackson]

5 hours ago, SQAAD said:

Today i went outside and was looking to buy L-Tryptophan (a supplement for increasing serotonin). Initially i went to 3 pharmacies and asked for it but they didn't have it. Frankly most of them didn't even know anything about it (lol).

Then i went to a 4th pharmacy. There was a middle aged lady who seemed like snob to me. Her whole vibe was not looking good at all. The 1st sign of disrespect was that, as i entered the store, she didn't pay me any attention and kept on chatting with a friend/associate of hers. That was probably the 1st sign/clue that i should get the fk out of there. 

So after she finally decided to pay me attention (i had to wait a lil bit), then i asked her the supplement i wanted. She replied coldly ''i haven't even heard of that''. Immediately i felt bad. It's not what she said, but how she said it with her disrespecting look on her face...

Then i asked one last question. Again she replied with the same cold disrespectful, heartless manner. 

Afterwards, when i was out of the store, my mind was entertaining thoughts of re entering the store and insulting her or something. But my prefrontal cortex put a break to such plans. I know better and most of the time i handle myself well. 

I felt intense deep suffering but i tried to remain as conscious as possible. 

Still though, i can totally understand people who end up killing others. The way that you get treated in this society is many times very awful. And if you have grew up without much love, and this pattern of lovelessness keep repeating itself into adulthood, then many people reach a breaking point, and they want revenge. They want to get even.

Wanting to kill people is a natural thing. Your animal brain basically is like ''Kill people, because they are  the source of your misery''. This kind of instinct has helped us survive. It is a built in function. Aggression is bult in our biology.

Sure it is not the most sophistacted method for dealing with problems and i am not  a fan of it. But i think there is a breaking point for all of us if conditions get too extreme.

I haven't seriously contemplated killing people yet. Sometimes the desire may arise. I believe this is normal. Especialy when i feel very very disrespected. 

The intense feeling of hurt and suffering eventually passes. I journal about it and process it as best i can . That is the good thing. Still though, there are some people outthere that are so disrespectful , so low consciousness, that i would wanna destroy if i was in a rage state. That is because i have been hurt before by such sh*tty people. And there are certain people that i despise very much. I cannot love people who intentionally decrease the well being of others. I want to torture such people sometimes..

I probably wouldn't hesitate killing a Hitler for example. Because i consider such people the scums of the earth. That is the truth. And i won't act more spiritual than i am . Keep in mind, that i do not kill ants and animals & i pay attention when walking as much as possible to not stomp on them. Animals never have hurt me.

https://youtu.be/p1RbktOlM54

 

@SQAAD I fully agree with you.

Living in a cold robotic world without any Love for too long will lead to you wanting to do cold, loveless things for revenge too.

People with such urges and especially people who do such things don't see another way to feel the Love they lack. It is a perverted but understandable coping mechanism to deal with the appearent hatred that is coming from the outside.

However, there is a possibility of understanding the world. The coldness you see in other people comes because they are lacking Love too. They are unfulfilled and they are living lifes full of suffering and pain. So they get numb, cold, and the cycle repeats itself.

The most precious Love and Goodness you could ever imagine exists, and the joke of it it, it is inside of YOU. Discover this Love and nothing other people will do to you will matter anymore. True Love cannot be touched and will always be here with you, even in your darkest hours. And with true Love in your eyes, you will see other people as what they truly are, which is Love, masked as sickness, pain and sorrow. And by seeing the truth in them, you will be a their light. And this light is Love, and it will heal all of them.

Edited June 9, 2022 by Michael Jackson

[gettoefl]

how people go about their day to day life isn't your business

even if you happen to be in the firing line of it

get out of dodge

why you letting another make you a monster

if they did you the kind favor of showing you there is a monster inside you i say thank them and get to work on your trauma / demons

Edited June 9, 2022 by gettoefl