Grief for who you once were

[Irina Wolf]

Dear person reading this.

Few months into the LPC. I'm doing really well for myself.
It's not what I expected. To get what you want out of life. To witness change within and outside of myself.
To finally achieve some success in life after a lifetime of hardship.
I feel odd. At first I thought it was recurring depression but I have no trouble getting out of bed. I realized it's grief.
Grief. The one thing I've been repressing all my life. And this time, it is for someone I used to be.
I face my fears, my traumas, my shadows and ugly sides and finally give them some love.

I haven't bitten my tongue in a while now although I've struggled with it my entire life.
It takes me by surprise that I haven't fallen back to that coping mechanism yet.

I study and still get lost in self help books/videos, definitely not always a good thing.
I can feel part of myself, part of my inner child, realizing it's fighting to keep me "safe" but fighting a losing battle.

I feel so scared to open up. To embrace people again. To love people as they are. To love myself as I am. To pursue my life's purpose.
Now I finally have a fulfilling life. Of course with it's empty spots. It's not what I thought it would be. 
I never expected to mourn a part of myself that feels like it's dying. Now I'm not so sure I want that part to die. 
I experience such sadness & physical pain trying to let those old parts of myself go.

Somebody out there must be able to relate. 
Maybe you're going through the same thing.
You're not alone.
I wish I had the courage to tell you that it's okay to let go.
But frankly I'm too terrified and sad to tell you this.

Just know... You're not alone. I know how lonely it can be.

Much Love from the Netherlands

Irina

[itsnutsandbolts]

Thank you for sharing this, this was really heartwarming to read. A lot of what you said really resonates with me.

I don't think the old parts of you have to die or be gone necessarily, it sounds like they are evolving.

You're not alone too.

[Ulax]

Thanks Irina.

Sounds like you've been doing a lot of great work on yourself. Congrats on the progress

[Razard86]

You are correct Irina, as you continue to grow and evolve...you will change. All change is death and rebirth. Our entire life follows this cycle. Its okay to mourn the loss of who you once were. Just don't forget to celebrate who you are now. I'm learning myself everyday to release control. Once we release control...is when we gain it. So funny how counter intuitive life is. Many blessings!!

[Irina Wolf]

On 06/06/2022 at 3:37 PM, Ulax said:

Thanks Irina.

Sounds like you've been doing a lot of great work on yourself. Congrats on the progress

Thank you!

[Irina Wolf]

On 06/06/2022 at 4:51 PM, Razard86 said:

You are correct Irina, as you continue to grow and evolve...you will change. All change is death and rebirth. Our entire life follows this cycle. Its okay to mourn the loss of who you once were. Just don't forget to celebrate who you are now. I'm learning myself everyday to release control. Once we release control...is when we gain it. So funny how counter intuitive life is. Many blessings!!

Indeed! Celebrating who I am and letting go of control are indeed things I still struggle with. Thank you very much??

[Irina Wolf]

On 06/06/2022 at 2:28 PM, itsnutsandbolts said:

Thank you for sharing this, this was really heartwarming to read. A lot of what you said really resonates with me.

I don't think the old parts of you have to die or be gone necessarily, it sounds like they are evolving.

You're not alone too.

That's a beautiful way of looking at it. No... it just FEELS like dying. Doesn't mean it actually is. My inner child is still very much alive and operating. So are old trauma behaviours unfortunately. But I'll manage.

 

Thanks!

[Mu_]

On 6/6/2022 at 7:44 AM, Irina Wolf said:

Dear person reading this.

Few months into the LPC. I'm doing really well for myself.
It's not what I expected. To get what you want out of life. To witness change within and outside of myself.
To finally achieve some success in life after a lifetime of hardship.
I feel odd. At first I thought it was recurring depression but I have no trouble getting out of bed. I realized it's grief.
Grief. The one thing I've been repressing all my life. And this time, it is for someone I used to be.
I face my fears, my traumas, my shadows and ugly sides and finally give them some love.

I haven't bitten my tongue in a while now although I've struggled with it my entire life.
It takes me by surprise that I haven't fallen back to that coping mechanism yet.

I study and still get lost in self help books/videos, definitely not always a good thing.
I can feel part of myself, part of my inner child, realizing it's fighting to keep me "safe" but fighting a losing battle.

I feel so scared to open up. To embrace people again. To love people as they are. To love myself as I am. To pursue my life's purpose.
Now I finally have a fulfilling life. Of course with it's empty spots. It's not what I thought it would be. 
I never expected to mourn a part of myself that feels like it's dying. Now I'm not so sure I want that part to die. 
I experience such sadness & physical pain trying to let those old parts of myself go.

Somebody out there must be able to relate. 
Maybe you're going through the same thing.
You're not alone.
I wish I had the courage to tell you that it's okay to let go.
But frankly I'm too terrified and sad to tell you this.

Just know... You're not alone. I know how lonely it can be.

Much Love from the Netherlands

Irina

I can definitely relate to this phenomenon, at times its so hard feeling, and at others its so strange.  In the end I find it is what it is, and to just let it run its psychological and emotional course.  Perhaps in time you will get less concerned with it when its happening, perhaps it will become a background sorta thing, like the wind.  Your always free to put your attention somewhere else and not worry that this process is going on, its not a sign of a problem, being on the wrong path or doing something wrong that caused this (these are ones that I notice catch the attention and create a great deal of confusion and going in circles).

You sound like a good person on the right track, perhaps some of my words have been helpful.

[Thought Art]

I wrote a song I'll be performing this sunday that goes like..

So it didn't turn out the way you wanted

Demolition sight thats where the heart is...

You're ashamed of who you one were!

But I don't mind no.

I don't mind... at all!

... Lessons taught lessons taken

Unnecessary miscommunication

Please sit down please start to listen

I dont mind. no

I dont mind...

I don't mind at all!

So you didn't know you were a student

Lessons never stock unless you worry

That you can't or that you shouldn't

Realize you don't need your eyes to see...