My most Intense Mushroom Trip: Time Dilation, Reality Construction, God/Self-Realizat

[AnthonyR]

DISCLAIMER: Please read with an open mind.  Especially if you've never done psychedelics. (yes given the forum where I'm posting this I feel confident the reader has the most open mind humanly possible) Outside the hallucinogenic / psychedelic state; and within normal everyday experience what is being expressed here will seem too far-fetched, egotistical or delusional. That is understandable. But a level of acceptance for Truth and understanding is needed.  Whilst I was in the psychedelic state, I know at the core of my Being that what I experienced and felt-although unexpected-was genuine and true.

******

Strain: Golden Teachers - 4 grams dried chewed, with a teaspoon of Honey and lemon dissolved in a little water to combat the taste.

 

NOTE: I wasn't documenting and keeping track of the time.  I just know that I chewed and swallowed the goldens around 2:00pm, the whole trip lasted around 4.5 hours and I welcomed back reality around 6:30pm

 

Onset:
The trip started out as usual with intense colors and visuals, although it was more prominent this time compared to my first trip experience in the past.  It lasted longer as well, which began to concern me as I go on to explain below.

The onset of the experience was trippy, colorful, geometrical, and beautiful.  My senses were heightened as expected.  Everything I looked at appeared more vibrant, and textures and forms stood out like raised plateaus of the Grand Canyon.

 

Time Dilation:
I was enjoying the experience at first, but as the trip neared its peak, time seemed to slow down and drag on.  This was a brand new experience for me.  I kept glancing at the digital clock on my oven, and it seemed the minutes were barely going by even through it seemed I was spending a lot longer inside the trip. It's as if time sped up within my mind and I was thinking at a very high speed, but relative to the passage of time within my mind, the clock on my oven and on my phone seemed to be barely counting down the minutes. It was like the room outside my mind was in a different time and place versus the room inside my mind, and I was having a hard time differentiating between the two.

The visuals were now intensifying and becoming worrisome.  It appeared as if I was starting the view reality, or what appeared as reality in a sort of wonky, colorful and hallucinogenic manner, but it was all taking place within my own mind. It seemed as if imagination had now taken over reality, while some aspects of reality still remained, such as the layout of my room, my four walls, the correct location of the objects in my room. But my brain it seemed was either swallowing up reality or spitting out my imagination onto the outside world.

As the experience began to intensify and the visuals got stronger, it got to the point where it didn't matter whether I kept my eyes open or shut, it was just a burst of hypnagogia.  With eyes open, my room was there as is, but very dream like.  If I shut my eyes, it was like being transported into a world of dynamical and geometrical lines of ethereal colors and shapes.  It seemed as if both my mind and reality was merging and morphing into each other, and it felt like I was losing my grip on reality. This realization scared me to the core.  So I decide I've had enough and started to drink some water to hopefully flush the chemicals out of my body.  I was able to do this twice, going from sitting on the sofa, holding and hugging myself, to sitting on the floor, to walking to the bathroom, to peeing, to trying to calm myself by telling myself to take it easy... it was going to be OK, and then repeating the process again and again.  I don't even know if I was actually doing this after the 3rd or 4th attempt or I just imagined the repetition.  This is when I started to get really scared.  Because the experience seemed familiar every time, as if I was stuck in some kind of a loop trying to get this over and done with, but then I was just starting over each time.  This is when it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. That maybe this was the end of my life, I screwed up.  I took too high a dosage and effectively ruined my life.  All sorts of scenarios started to play out inside my head... was I going to be stuck in this loop forever like an endless Black Mirror episode? What if this never ends?

I started to have a whole new-found respect for the shroom.  It's not that I did not respect these substances before, but my respect for it grew by leaps and bounds.  Never again was I going to ever try this.  This is too much.  I cannot handle it.  I was now wishing I had a someone with me.  I had to force myself to calm down and kept telling myself, take it easy, stabilize. Calm down. Breathe !! It is going to pass.  At one point nausea started to set in and I felt as if I was going to pass out, and I struggled to force myself to lie down and just breathe, which helped to an extent. After some time I sat back up and drank some more water, went to pee, came back to the sofa, and again the same loop as if I had already done this before and I was just repeating the process again and again.  I closed my eyes and whispered silently, God please let this be over.  I was genuinely worried that I going to end up in an insane asylum and fuck up my whole life.

 

Reality Construction:
I sat back down on the sofa and just started to ponder why I was stuck in this endless loop and will it ever end, when suddenly and unexpectedly an understanding began to settle in.  I was creating this time loop. It was all me.  I began to ponder this, and as I looked around the room I suddenly had a deep realization that I was creating this room constantly - like magically bringing together countless pieces of a large puzzle to put my room together.  I was creating this moment; this experience.  If I'm continuously re-living this experience it cannot be in reality, it has to be an occurrence within my own mind.  And if my mind was so powerful that it could give me this very convincing experience of being stuck inside a time loop, then what is real? Was my mind really so much more powerful than I ever realized?  All the visuals, the time dilation, the way my room appeared.  Holy Shit! - There is no reality, there is no out there! Out there is all in your head! The clarity of this understanding astounded me.  Time and Space as I began to realize is a construction of my own mind.  This moment was not occurring somewhere out there, it was happening right here within my mind. I was creating it all, and if so, why only create within the confines of my room?  This life, this whole universe was occurring within my own mind.  I was creating it all, every time I shifted my eyes in a different direction, it seemed like the walls and objects of my room wobbled into place, as if constructed out of nothing, but exactly where I was supposed to see it.  But not just that; I created every single scenario throughout my entire lifetime that eventually led to this very moment. 

 

God/Self-Realization:
This moment of realization that I was creating my reality was the Nexus point to my knowing that I was a God of my own reality, my life, my universe, even the laws of physics contained within this universe.  I was no longer Anthony.  I mean I was still Anthony, but that was just a small fragment, a framework, a single perspective within a much grander scale.  Everything I've read thus far about people saying "You are God, You are God, why don't you realize that!"  It suddenly hit me.  YESSSS !!!! I was God, but it's not like I just realized it, I knew it for a fact!.  This is Truth!  My God this is The Truth!!  My entire life bought me to this moment of realization.  Everything I ever did, all my mistakes, my quirks, my idiosyncrasies, my struggles, my joys, the people I met, the books I've read, all the countless videos I've watched all for the sake of trying to understand what this was all about, was all necessary and perfect.  It was exactly as it was supposed to be.  I flipping did all that to lead me to this nexus point of realizing that I am God.  I had crossed some sort of line where my life as I knew it had come to an end, and from this moment forward it was just me as God, there is no one else, just me.  I re-create the universe from this moment forward, and now I had to start over.  This was both a sense of relief and also immense burden.  What about my family? My siblings? My Parents? Everyone I was close to? "I CREATED THEM ALL? SERIOUSLY?" At one moment I was experiencing immense Love and Joy at this realization, but then again I realized as God, my life as that dude called Anthony had come to an end.  I was just the whole of the universe condensed into a lifetime but from here-on I have to now re-live every life again and again, I had to suffer, I have to feel immense pain and misery, it's an endless process of repeating the experiencing.  

It is one thing to hear about this understanding from someone else, it seems far-fetched and unbelievable as much as you want it to be true.  But its another thing to actually experience it firsthand.  But not just that, you also realize it was all an illusion, just a mind construction.  Every facet of my life, of reality, of the people I met, in person or online, through videos, through podcasts, telling me things, showing me things, trying to point me towards something grander and greater than myself.  It was all me, I was pointing to myself.  As them I was guiding them towards myself, but not myself as a human, but myself as a God, they were all constructions of Me as God.  I constructed and orchestrated it All!

I stood up, completely in Awe, my jaw dropped to the floor.  The clarity of this understanding was so powerful and shocking that it froze me to the core.  I stood still looking straight ahead at nothing in particular, but my mind racing and thinking at the speed of light bringing together all my years of learning, listening, reading and contemplating ...so much contemplating.  It all fell neatly into place, as if every facet of understanding was a requisite piece of the ultimate puzzle that constructed the whole of this Truth.  It was magnificent.  It was Brilliant!  It was the greatest design ever, and it was Beautiful, It was Perfect.  It all made sense now. There is only Me.  I am the beginning, and even prior to that, before anything, before time and before space there is just me, and what is there for me to do here? Nothing really.  I'm all alone here, there is no one else.  I am It.  So why not create, why not unfold and bring forth life, fragment parts of myself to create billions of species, billions of perspectives, live countless lives, countless experiences again and again, in every possible scenario imaginable.

I was genuinely humbled by this experience and this bears repeating; I didn't just know myself as God.  I actually became God. (As egocentric and maniacal as this may sound from my human perspective and to anyone reading this; I apologize, no one likes to hear you say you're God, but I don't know what else to call this intelligence that I became.) And it's not that I became God, but realized that really there was no Me, no other, nothing.  There is just God.  That moment in my room, that moment of God realization was the tipping point.  It was as if my point of view went full circle from unrealized human to God realized. I wasn't prepared for this, and neither was God.  God was just as surprised;  "I" as God was just as surprised that this was the case. But I'm unclear who had forgotten? Was it God itself, or me as God who forgets, and it has to go through this process of realization that it is God, but it can only do so by first forgetting and then realizing, forgetting and realizing.  It's like going in a circle again and again.  And if you, the reader were to have this experience or did have the experience it will be God realizing itself and surprising itself again through you.  

When you're fast asleep and having a dream, you never realize it is a dream, you believe the lie of the dreamscape, you believe the story and you go with it.  Within the dream you see colors and space and entire landscapes rich in detail and imagery, and it completely fools you.  But when you wake up, you soon realize it was your mind creating it all, the people, the landscape, the empty space, the ideas, the script, it was all made of mind stuff. In a sense your mind is the God of the dream world.  This was no different, it is just one step up. Its all Consciousness. A dream universe within God.  

At this point I was floored, amazed and in complete Awe.  I kept saying "Oh my God" !! "This is unbelievable" but even as I said that, I knew this is how it is supposed to be, it can be no other way.  The universe is Being.  There is only Being, Only intelligence, the only intelligence that can create.  This intelligence is everywhere.  This intelligence is the Universe unfolding.  It wants to, what else can it do with unlimited creative power, but just create. I looked out my window in my psychedelic state, at the buildings and people and cars going by and I marveled at my creation.  I have no idea how long I stood looking out, completely taken aback by this realization of my Nature.  

At the same time I was excited, and looking forward to more creation, but it seemed as if I would never forget this moment of "God Realizing I Am", and would always remain in this state from where I can create anything I wanted. I was no longer worried about my family, my life, my situation or anything at all.  Because I knew it would all be Okay. It was already perfect.  Things will work out in the end.  By now I was also feeling reality starting to stabilize, and in a way, I wanted it to. I wanted to come down and back to my reality.  I need stability.  But at the same time I didn't want this realization to end.  

Thankfully reality slowly started to stabilize and my own mind as a human being began to take over.  In a way I was sincerely thankful for this experience to end and for my life as a human to return.  It was very nightmarish to consider I was losing my mind and being stuck in some kind of a time-loop without end.  But following the nightmare, I welcomed the realization that took over of how I was constructing my reality and merging with the God Source.  That moment of merging was sincerely genuine and truthful, and something I will remember for as long as I live.

 

Closing Remarks
I'm conflicted now more than I've ever been.  While I'm thankful I glimpsed some genuine Truths, and as I came out of the trip, I also momentarily entered a state of depression and longing because that moment of God realization was over.  Although at the time it seemed so genuine and blissful that I thought I would be permanently locked in this creative state. It was so real, it felt as if my life as a human had ended, time had come to an end, NOW was all there is, and from this moment on I am just God and I want to create.  I'm not a depressive person, and thankfully that feeling did not last.  But I would caution anyone to be careful with these substances as repeated and stressed by many other tripsters here.

Finally thank you Leo for your insights and depth of consciousness in all matters concerning Truth, it certainly helped me understand and piece together the experience more holistically.

 

If you're interested in reading about my first ever mushroom trip, you can do so from this link

[michaelcycle00]

Nice report. So did you realize everyone in your life is fake? Like not a real person?

Why would God decide to wake up from Anthony’s POV and not one of, or every other 7+ billion POV’s?

How does it choose that all the people in the YouTube videos, podcasts and everything else will make you wake up? Does everyone serve another in waking up in some shape or form? Or should I say, does everyone serve the ones God wants to wake up through in some shape or form?

[puporing]

Congratulations. Yeah I can relate to most things said here. Take some time to integrate. It can be challenging. I've had my share of "rollercoasters" with these trips.  Now outside of trips it feels like I am simply an "actor" in this dream to most folks. Things should stabilize after some time. Feel free to reach out to someone here if you need some support.

[Matthew85]

@AnthonyR Fascinating report Anthony! Thank you for sharing. I really enjoyed it, especially the part about reality construction. 

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, AnthonyR said:

I was genuinely worried that I going to end up in an insane asylum and fuck up my whole life.

Ah yes, haha

Quote

 

Was my mind really so much more powerful than I ever realized?

Haha

Quote

 

God/Self-Realization:
This moment of realization that I was creating my reality was the Nexus point to my knowing that I was a God of my own reality, my life, my universe, even the laws of physics contained within this universe.  I was no longer Anthony.  I mean I was still Anthony, but that was just a small fragment, a framework, a single perspective within a much grander scale.  Everything I've read thus far about people saying "You are God, You are God, why don't you realize that!"  It suddenly hit me.  YESSSS !!!! I was God, but it's not like I just realized it, I knew it for a fact!.  This is Truth!  My God this is The Truth!!  My entire life bought me to this moment of realization.  Everything I ever did, all my mistakes, my quirks, my idiosyncrasies, my struggles, my joys, the people I met, the books I've read, all the countless videos I've watched all for the sake of trying to understand what this was all about, was all necessary and perfect.  It was exactly as it was supposed to be.  I flipping did all that to lead me to this nexus point of realizing that I am God.  I had crossed some sort of line where my life as I knew it had come to an end, and from this moment forward it was just me as God, there is no one else, just me.  I re-create the universe from this moment forward, and now I had to start over.  This was both a sense of relief and also immense burden.  What about my family? My siblings? My Parents? Everyone I was close to? "I CREATED THEM ALL? SERIOUSLY?" At one moment I was experiencing immense Love and Joy at this realization, but then again I realized as God, my life as that dude called Anthony had come to an end.  I was just the whole of the universe condensed into a lifetime but from here-on I have to now re-live every life again and again, I had to suffer, I have to feel immense pain and misery, it's an endless process of repeating the experiencing.  

You got.

Welcome to God-realization

Quote

It all made sense now. There is only Me.  I am the beginning, and even prior to that, before anything, before time and before space there is just me, and what is there for me to do here? Nothing really.  I'm all alone here, there is no one else.  I am It.

YES!

Quote

Its all Consciousness. A dream universe within God.  

Yup

Quote

I need stability.  But at the same time I didn't want this realization to end.

That's the bitch of it.

Quote

Finally thank you Leo for your insights and depth of consciousness in all matters concerning Truth, it certainly helped me understand and piece together the experience more holistically.

Namaste

But it also goes deeper

[Razard86]

First I got to say, you have a gift for writing. That was very well written and articulated I enjoyed every minute of it! 

Many of your realization reactions were the same as mine. For me I started to feel like a looney tune character lol. 

But I am glad you realized your true nature. I am curious how this will impact you moving forward. For me personally it made life seem even more alive if that makes sense, it brought some of the child-like wonder I had as a kid back.

[Hojo]

The loops make it really easy to see what's going on. Like I'm doing the same thing over and over but I can think differently every time kind of separating myself from my body or reality

[puporing]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

5 hours ago, AnthonyR said:

I was genuinely worried that I going to end up in an insane asylum and fuck up my whole life.

Ah yes, haha

@Leo Gura Do you have trips where a series of "insights" gets rapidly spoken out through you? Like you're "possessed"? 

Edited June 5, 2022 by puporing

[axiom]

@AnthonyR I've had some very, very similar experiences. The terrifying time loop of madness is the result of traversing infinity and finity. On mushrooms, it usually occurs during the comedown, i.e. coming from a place where time doesn't exist into a place where time does exist. Unfortunately this can be the price of entry to these profound states on shrooms. To become human again, you have to re-engage / reimagine time, but to begin with it can barely stretch out for two or three seconds. It's a bit like light trying to escape from a black hole - it keeps getting sucked back in.

Psilocybin can be insanely powerful and profound. It sounds like you went to levels of insight ordinarily associated with DMT etc. Not too surprising as all these molecules are incredibly similar...it's all about the dosage. Some substances work more quickly and can push you back into the body more quickly too. The nausea on shrooms can be quite extreme at these super high doses.

Personally I found that the love energy was almost too much to take.

People sometimes say that entheogens allow them to see themselves through God's eyes - that they get to feel how much they are loved (by God). As you pointed out, this is because the source of the love is actually you. It is extreme self-compassion and self-love, usually separated by the veil of duality including time etc.

It's a blessing that you got to experience this. Divine Grace. I know it's a huge amount to take on board, so my thoughts are with you too. You may find that over the next weeks and months some unexpected emotions come up. It's all part of integration so I suggest you go easy on yourself, take a few long walks in nature, try to relax (and maybe don't dive back in to psychedelics for a little while...)

Edited June 5, 2022 by axiom

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, puporing said:

@Leo Gura Do you have trips where a series of "insights" gets rapidly spoken out through you? Like you're "possessed"? 

No

[Grateful Dead]

well written - great post, thanks!

9 hours ago, AnthonyR said:

This is when it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. That maybe this was the end of my life, I screwed up.  I took too high a dosage and effectively ruined my life.  All sorts of scenarios started to play out inside my head... was I going to be stuck in this loop forever like an endless Black Mirror episode? What if this never ends?

classic ?

[AnthonyR]

13 hours ago, michaelcycle00 said:

Nice report. So did you realize everyone in your life is fake? Like not a real person?

I wouldn't say Fake or Not Real, but I get what you mean.  I felt that everyone in my life was a necessary piece of the puzzle and needed to be there, even if it seemed to be constructions of mind.

13 hours ago, michaelcycle00 said:

Why would God decide to wake up from Anthony’s POV and not one of, or every other 7+ billion POV’s?

Because I had to penetrate through and experience and become God through the POV of the Anthony Avatar first as he consumed the shroom, and then as God realize that all other POVs were my own (God's) POV

13 hours ago, michaelcycle00 said:

How does it choose that all the people in the YouTube videos, podcasts and everything else will make you wake up? Does everyone serve another in waking up in some shape or form? Or should I say, does everyone serve the ones God wants to wake up through in some shape or form?

Perception of anything or anyone is a perception of God as the thing being perceived, but unrealized.  Perhaps the brain acts as a filtering mechanism to keep us grounded and unrealized and only shows us what we need to see for us to survive.  God then acts as a conduit through all its Beings to bring us closer to itself as God.  So in a sense I am learning as much from you, as you are learning from someone else, who in turn is learning from someone else.  We are all in this whirlpool together slowly spiraling towards God realization taking our own sweet time.  Whats the hurry?

[AnthonyR]

12 hours ago, puporing said:

Congratulations. Yeah I can relate to most things said here. Take some time to integrate. It can be challenging.

Yep a lot of integrating and introspecting still to do.  Thank You.

[AnthonyR]

12 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Namaste

But it also goes deeper

Cheers ! Can't wait to see how deep the rabbit hole goes, but its still a frightening thought.

[AnthonyR]

7 hours ago, axiom said:

It's a blessing that you got to experience this. Divine Grace. I know it's a huge amount to take on board, so my thoughts are with you too. You may find that over the next weeks and months some unexpected emotions come up. It's all part of integration so I suggest you go easy on yourself, take a few long walks in nature, try to relax (and maybe don't dive back in to psychedelics for a little while...)

Yep definitely grateful to have had the experience.  Completely unexpected and jarring.  But gives me a lot to contemplate and think about.  I can't see myself doing such a high dose again, but who knows, maybe sometime in the future.  Cheers !

[AnthonyR]

12 hours ago, Razard86 said:

But I am glad you realized your true nature. I am curious how this will impact you moving forward. For me personally it made life seem even more alive if that makes sense, it brought some of the child-like wonder I had as a kid back.

Thank You! I have a lot of integrating to do and definitely more contemplating and introspecting.  But I'm still human in many ways.  I mean of course I'm human!  I'm not going around telling everyone I meet that I'm God But that feeling, though genuine and real as real can be, is no longer present - and certainly a level of doubt creeps in now and then.  But having had the experience, I can now relate and know what is being talked about because it was a Felt Experience.  But I have a lot to learn, a lot more life lessons to experience, and to try and get over my human shortcomings, and that isn't easy to do.

But my love for myself and my fellow beings have certainly increased maybe by an ounce or two.

[puporing]

15 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

No

Weird, well that's when I truly feel "insane". 

[AnthonyR]

I just read a quote by Anita Moorjani that strongly resonates with the Mushroom experience I had during my state of God Realization. … thought I’d share…

“And then I was overwhelmed by the realization that God isn’t a being, but a state of being…and I was now that state of being!”

[Purple Man]

That last quote is fabulous.