My psyche (sensitive content /trigger warning)

[Preety_India]

A personal journal. 

 

Edited June 4, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I think in order to repair my psyche to a natural state I'll first need to explore how I think and feel process things. And what should be done to rectify it with alternative solutions and coping strategies. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to stay calm as much as possible. 

I still feel a bit spaced out. And paranoid as well. 

 

Fearful and Hyper alert. 

I feel like a prey right now. 

I was even called a prey I swear. Like literally called a prey. 

 

At that point I just laughed it off. 

They were looking straight into my eyes. 

 

I feel like I'm in a corner. 

 

A little panicky. 

Ironically the person that I'm so scared of is also the person I trust. I don't know how this works. But it's like sleeping with a person and then waking up to see them holding a knife at my throat. I'm wondering what happened. I would lay there frozen and let them do what they want. 

Because I have fundamentally believed that if someone wanted to kill me, they would succeed anyway and I can do nothing to stop them. 

So the person who attacks me physically is the same person I will trust. And I'll run into their arms for help. Because there is no simply nobody better than them who could understand my fears and panic. 

I have learned to trust my attackers because of my trauma. That's how my BPD brain works due to abuse and trauma. 

It has learned to trust the attacker out of survival needs. 

I learned to embrace my abuser when I was a child. 

There was a consistent pattern to it that followed later in life. 

 

[Preety_India]

I accidentally clicked I swear. 

Next time I'll be careful. 

 

 

Edited June 4, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

I also have emotional baggage and unresolved issues from my past relationships. 

My emotional baggage comes from being mistreated by my exes and feeling a sense of deprivation and abandonment. 

The only regret is that I stayed with them longer than I should have because I trusted them too much and believed that the relationship would still work even when they were clearly not putting any effort in making it work 

And I was a very positive person who tried her best to make those relationships work and did not realize that sometimes you need to stop hoping and start learning. I had this mentality back then that I could fix things and turn negative into positive. 

Sadly I learned my lessons through my relationships that relationships can't work just with one person taking the entire burden of the relationship, the other person must put equal interest and effort or else it crumbles. One person can only do so much. You have to break things and cut your losses instead of hoping for better things. 

Also i was manipulated extensively in these relationships where I was made to believe that I'm loved every time I doubted something. It's hard to think straight and logically when you are manipulated. I was completely brainwashed to believe that the relationships were working despite my intuition saying otherwise. 

Every time I tried to break these relationships, I was given new hope and I was manipulated even more. It was tough to understand what was going on. And I was a person who trusted very easily. 

I am better at detecting manipulation now than before. If someone told me something that doesn't feel okay, I lay down my boundaries instantly.

 

[Preety_India]

 

Feeling surprised. 

When you open up your wounds to people, they either understand and empathize with you or simply ignore or invalidate you. You quickly realize who is who. 

Being around people who never give you a closure or acknowledgement of your pain hurts. And so is equally hurtful when people act or pretend like they are empathizing only to double down and invalidate you further the next moment. 

The thing is intentions usually become clear one way or another. Your inner energy always shows. 

You can break trust once. You can break trust twice. You can't keep breaking trust forever. Somewhere down the line, karma has a way to show things, things become synchronous enough to show you what resonates and what doesn't. 

I have always been a simplistic person and it provided me some form of protection. This kind of matured understanding of things is quite heavy for my brain and quite stressful to process. 

I was never the one to understand things deeper than my intellectual capacity would allow.