Distinguishing between selflove and selfishness?

[Ineedanswers]

TLDR AT THE BOTTOM IF THE POST IS TOO LONG

Hello. Can someone tell me how to distinguish between self love and selfishness please? In some cases im having a hard time differentiating the two

For example

1) lets say there is a homeless man suffering in the harsh outdoors without any money, and who will probably die,

who gets the oppurtunity  to steal millions of dollars from others,destroying their families without any chance of being caught.If he does not steal the money he will probably have to work harsh dirty gritty thankless minimum wage jobs for a long time before he can even get off the streets. The self loving thing to do would be to destroy the families and steal the money right?

- a more practical example would be a broke person mugging someone.lets say if he doesnt mug (and sometimes kill )people he"ll starve to death.should he be self loving and mug? 

TLDR-When faced with a situation where acting in your best interests (being self loving )causes harm to others what should you do?

I have heard many spiritual teachers us to allways act jn a selfloving manner 

Eg-

 

Edited June 3, 2022 by Ineedanswers

[VioletFlame]

There is a massive difference between narcissistic selfishness (this overt, all-consuming selfishness where you never think of anyone else or show interest in someone else) and you just knowing on an emotionally-intelligent level that some sacrifices or compromises are too much and you have to put yourself first; you have to be self-loving. In a way, selfishness and self-love are like survival mechanisms. In certain situations, we have to be self-serving, literally to survive.

In some circumstances, we must learn to take care of ourselves first and put ourselves first so that we will be able to deliver our best self to the people around us. You really have to own your desire to do the right things for yourself and own your entitlement to do the right things for yourself. 

For example, there are certain professions which kind of demand that you put yourself first. Nurses, for example, carers, social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. These people need to be rested up and refueled themselves and make sure their own tank is full. So that way they can give themselves in their professional situation or in that part of their life where they are adopting a caring role. 

It is highly recommended for these types of workers to see someone regularly to speak to because many of the things they hear and see can actually affect them deeply, is a lot to take in, which can become emotionally and mentally draining. So it is stressed that they put themselves first before their clients, so that they can be in a centered state of giving and giving their ultimate best self.

This is what I call healthy selfishness and this has a lot to do with knowing and enforcing your own personal boundaries too. Saying "no", for example, is an act of self-love. And it has a lot to do with your own personal integrity too. Sometimes you must be bold about it and say "I have to be selfish in this situation". Then you'll realize that you are actually just being self-loving, and that's perfect, there's nothing wrong with that. 

Often times, during your journey through personal development, some people are not going to understand or appreciate why you're doing what you're doing; self-improvement. They're often going to judge you and accuse you of being "selfish" and may even try to convince you of that. Ultimately, in all actuality, it is a selfless act. Because you're constructing your best authentic and loving self, and that positive energy will project onto others. It's best to vocalize your decisions and clarify your personal boundaries. However, people may still not understand. Be strong in your choices.

So to answer your question, there is a healthy selfishness which is born from self-love and self-care. And there is a more toxic, morbid selfishness which is born from apathy, narcissism, and lack of empathy. This type of selfishness which comes from someone who tends to have a more unhealthy or pessimistic perspective towards people and the world. 

Edited June 3, 2022 by VioletFlame

[Ineedanswers]

Thank you! Do you mind if i ask you a few more questions?

1) in the example about the homeless man having to mug/kill or destroy families  to survive (be selfloving).what should he do? My problem is the relativity of the situations. For example

25 minutes ago, VioletFlame said:

and you just knowing on an emotionally-intelligent level that some sacrifices or compromises are too much and you have to put yourself first;

For instance if working a harsh,gritty,minimum wage job for some time is too emotionally difficult for the homeless man,and destroying a family is easier for him, should he be self loving and destroy thr family?isnt subjecting himself to have to work a minimum wage job when he can just steal the money being unloving towards himself?

 

Edited June 3, 2022 by Ineedanswers

[Ineedanswers]

26 minutes ago, VioletFlame said:

They're often going to judge you and accuse you of being "selfish" and may even try to convince you of that. Ultimately, in all actuality, it is a selfless act.

 

27 minutes ago, VioletFlame said:

, there are certain professions which kind of demand that you put yourself first. Nurses, for example, carers, social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. T

 

28 minutes ago, VioletFlame said:

accuse you of being "selfish" and may even try to convince you of that. Ultimately, in all actuality, it is a selfless act. Because you're constructing your best authentic and loving self, and that positive energy will project onto others.

In the above situations the reason why one would be selfish is because it maximizes the wellbeing of others right?it goes full cirlce and becomes selflessness.i dont think you can call that selfishness as no one else is harmed. If the reason you engage in self help is to help others then you are being selfless and the others are being shortsighted.

I am concerned about situations where being self loving comes at the harm of others.

[gettoefl]

boundaries is 8 hours for god(sleep) 8 hours for me (self love) 8 hours for them (service)

you can't give from an empty cup

no need to think extreme hypothetical examples, just fix yourself through awareness then it is seen everyone's seeming evil is manifest perfection

[Ineedanswers]

@gettoefl is it that extreme? Am i wrong ,that a large amount of people have barely have food to eat?

[gettoefl]

26 minutes ago, Ineedanswers said:

@gettoefl is it that extreme? Am i wrong ,that a large amount of people have barely have food to eat?

to me the more i wake up the more i see there are no problems only solutions ... i don't see opposition i just see opportunity

[Ineedanswers]

28 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

more i wake up the more i see there are no problems only solutions ... i don't see opposition i just see opportunity

Can you tell me what the poor man should do then?

If he is poor and has to choose between working a minimum wage job he dislikes or just steal the money from other people what should he do?

Isnt refraining from stealing being unloving towards himself

[gettoefl]

2 minutes ago, Ineedanswers said:

Can you tell me what the poor man should do then?

If he is poor and has to choose between working a minimum wage job he dislikes or just steal the money from other people what should he do?

Isnt refraining from stealing being unloving towards himself

i will steal with impunity ... the only sin for me is unawareness ... i do whatever i need to with totality and conviction, all circumstances be damned ... this does not mean i want to hurt others ...it means i act in alignment with the universe and its promptings

[Razard86]

I use to have this issue between what is a healthy form of love between self and other. It goes like this to make it simple for you.

You must love everyone equally. So unconditional love is both love for you and the other. You do not prioritize yourself or the other over the other. But as many people said, you cannot give from an empty cup. So prioritizing yourself so you have something to give is also prioritizing the other also. If you give so much that you die, then you are unable to keep giving. So you need balance. The key to life is balance. This is the lesson you will come to learn. 

Dark and Light are two sides of the same coin. Also a minimum wage job can be overcome without theft. If you steal you harm the other, and since the other is you, you are harming yourself. You cannot steal with impunity. The way life works there is cause and effect. When you harm someone else it will come back to you in some form. This is w hy the rule is to treat both yourself and others with love. If you give too much you are not loving yourself, and you do not give you are not loving others. You need to give to both according to your capacity and ability.

Also DO NOT GIVE OUT OF DUTY. DUTY IS NOT LOVE. When someone does something out of duty they will KEEP SCORE. When angered they will list the things they have done for you. When you give out of love you will give without expecting anything in return. 

Edited June 3, 2022 by Razard86