Awake(maybe) but Autistic. How can I connect with people?

[TheRealJohn]

Hello Reader, I hope this post finds you in good health and spirit. 

 

My name is John and I currently reside in South Florida. Long story short, I was diagnosed with Autism once I entered University. It wasn't a huge surprise to me because I always had this thought in the back of my mind that the way my mind grasped the world was different from my peers. I not saying that I'm some sort of a genius or anything along those lines. What I mean to say is that the sense making process is at the forefront of my awareness. Therefore, in my daily life everything that is beyond first order reality (ex. raw sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste) is symbolic / variable and open to interpretation. 

 

So my question is, how could I form connections with fellow human beings? Is it just talking about / doing common interest?

 

Side note: Reader I would appreciate some feedback on my writing and if I was able to get my point across clearly, I'll supplement where needed.

Furthermore Leo I really appreciate your work. You helped me shake the materialist indoctrination I received throughout my school years. 

[Raze]

I’ve heard sulforaphane helps with autism symptoms  

[Spiral]

On 03/06/2022 at 3:10 AM, TheRealJohn said:

So my question is, how could I form connections with fellow human beings? Is it just talking about / doing common interest?

Common interests are perhaps a good start however you won’t connect if that’s all you talk about.

To have others feel a connection to you, you need have integrity, be trustworthy and be a good listener. Why? Because them opening up and sharing who they truly (believe) they are and feel is what makes them feel a connection.

For you to feel a connection, you need to open up with them. Although this is risky, so do it with care. For me personally the “opening up” part is trickier, due to certain childhood issues. Additionally I kind of feel like I’m just being negative, which I don’t like.

[JosephKnecht]

On 03/06/2022 at 3:10 AM, TheRealJohn said:

So my question is, how could I form connections with fellow human beings?

Talk with everyone about the most mundane shit. 

If you can sense the person has transcendent the mundane, talk about some higher order shit. 

You can only connect with others through sharing. 

 

[TheRealJohn]

Many thanks for the feedback. I'm going to start putting it into practice and hope for the best.

 

Best Wishes to all of you. 

[Raptorsin7]

@TheRealJohn How connected are you to your body and tensions in the head?

I'm pretty autistic too, but I've experienced dramatic shifts on psychidelics that have reversed some of my autistic traits, like poor coordination, emotional disconnection, etc. 

I'm not 100% how these shifts happen, I'm still working on fully understanding and healing, but it's got something to do with entering in a very calm state of mind and exploring and unwinding the tensions of the body.

[TheRealJohn]

@Raptorsin7 From 0 to 10, I feel connected with my body at around a 7. I've made many improvements by taking LSD, Mushrooms, and I'd even go as far to say that smoking weed (in the correct context) has also helped me.

As for the tensions, it's funny that you mention it because I was just thinking about it before logging in today. I usually feel tension in my chest and sometimes it can shift up to my neck / head area depending on my level of stress. 

 

Update: I basically tried the approaches suggested above, and the results have been very positive. 

 

1. Talk with everyone about the most mundane shit. - JosephKnecht

[I've been able to establish foundational connections with co-workers / people at the gym / and actually got a date for this Sunday. I realized that sometimes I get stuck in analysis paralysis, and I just got to say whatever is in my mind.]

 

2. For you to feel a connection, you need to open up with them. - Spiral

[This is a bit more difficult because I need to build better repour with my peers. I'll keep updating as I continue in this journey.]

 

[Leo Gura]

Go out of your house and talk to 1000s of people. Bars and clubs work well.

[Spiral]

7 hours ago, UnbornTao said:

Spiral? Do you mean Spira?

Got a bit confused there.

No that’s me!

[Danioover9000]

@TheRealJohn

On 03/06/2022 at 2:10 AM, TheRealJohn said:

Hello Reader, I hope this post finds you in good health and spirit. 

 

My name is John and I currently reside in South Florida. Long story short, I was diagnosed with Autism once I entered University. It wasn't a huge surprise to me because I always had this thought in the back of my mind that the way my mind grasped the world was different from my peers. I not saying that I'm some sort of a genius or anything along those lines. What I mean to say is that the sense making process is at the forefront of my awareness. Therefore, in my daily life everything that is beyond first order reality (ex. raw sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste) is symbolic / variable and open to interpretation. 

 

So my question is, how could I form connections with fellow human beings? Is it just talking about / doing common interest?

 

Side note: Reader I would appreciate some feedback on my writing and if I was able to get my point across clearly, I'll supplement where needed.

Furthermore Leo I really appreciate your work. You helped me shake the materialist indoctrination I received throughout my school years. 

   Before I give some advice, are you asking for how to connect with people socially, as in basic socialization? Or as in a dating/relationships/having sex human connection?

[Superfluo]

@TheRealJohn

Adding to the other advice you have been given by other users, I'll add my take.

First, I'm just genuinely curious about your mental processes. Could you elaborate on what you said here?

On 3/6/2022 at 3:10 AM, TheRealJohn said:

What I mean to say is that the sense making process is at the forefront of my awareness. Therefore, in my daily life everything that is beyond first order reality (ex. raw sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste) is symbolic / variable and open to interpretation. 

Then, some practical advice.

Read the book called "People Skills - How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts" by Robert Bolton. I found it causally, decided to buy having little expectation, and it tunerd out to be a goldmine, full of practical insights and indications on how to listen, the right principles behind communications, the right motives to act in certain ways, etc.

If you struggle with small talk, you'll have to learn to spout words when you talk to people. Common fears and negative beliefs you may have and some advice about them:

- "I don't know how to do it": you talk about little things related to your mundane life or what's happening in your surroundings, or whatever comes to your mind (don't talk about creepy, edgy, or sensitive topics), just because. The aim here is to two-fold: doing this makes you pratice removing filters and teaches you that to get the conversation going you first need to show people that you are easy-going. You cannot enstablish a connection with a person if you can't talk about simple things, because when you meet someone, first you start with small things and then you build up to deeper stuff with time. Obviously every person and every interaction is unique, so you have to find the right balance between social norms and your preferred way of relating with people and your personality. This takes time and practice. Think about small talk as a way to hook people with the smallest effort in order to make the conversation flowing, which will give you the opportunity to switch to more personal, intimate and deeper topics with time if you want to do it.

- "People will not care": people will care less about the content, and care more about the emotions and the vibe coming from you. If you say things in a neutral way, without emotional charge behind them, people will listen but they may not be fully engaged, while if you add emotional charge, they may. Then, with small talk you are giving them new simple perspectives about material life, so don't deprive people of your perspective. Also, it's not true that people will not care. The more people feel connected to you, the more they will care about you and your emotions and your well-being. If you meet someone for the first time, they cannot be connected to you because they don't know you yet. But generally speaking, how do you know if people feel connected to you? With social and verbal cues, and also because YOU will feel connected to them. If you don't feel connected to them, they may still feel connected to you, but since you don't feel the same way towards them, they will feel a barrier, they will sense that you are not being your authentic self with them, they will feel you are not putting your personality on the table. Also, people will care about the information they can gain from what you say, so they will care if they find something useful. 

- "It seems dumb and shallow and pointless": yeah, but deep stuff requires people capable of handling, dealing and liking deep stuff. How do you find them? You meet new people, you start with small stuff and if the situation allows it, you introduce deeper stuff with baby-steps. Also, deep stuff is not meant to be talked about casually with people. To build the minimum basic rapport and connection with people you almost ever need just to say something, to "ping" to them that you exist and you are "alive", and that you are receptive to what happens around you. Also, dumb, shallow and pointless stuff has a purpose, that is to keep the conversation light and shallow! Think of it like a moment to relax your thinking.

- "It drains me": if you are an introvert, yes, small talk is draining. This is probably because you have resistance to spouting words. Because you filter yourself, and you are too concerned with other people's opinions of yourself, so you craft what to say before talking. This drains energy. Remove the fear and the added pressure will stop, because you will feel more at ease opening your mouth to say silly and shallow stuff. Also, you'll have to learn to balance socialization and recharging.

- "Don't know what to say": your mind is filled with thoughts. Spout them out if they are positive or neutral. If they are negative, don't say them. Talk about the funny way that guy at the end of the street is walking, talk about the toast you burned this morning made you angry and made you miss the train, ecc. Also, a great way to do small talk is to use what people say to add your commentary on that.

 

If you struggle opening up you, you may need to see if the healing path is something you may want to do. Check my signature below for more info. This issue may need a psychotherapeutic solution (not necessarily a psychotherapist).

 

Keep in mind that connection has many sides to it, but some important ones that come to mind (and I suggest you to learn what it means to feel and be connected to someone) are:

- You feel comfortable showing your quirks and the more intimate parts of your personality with people

- You feel emotions for other people, and it comes natural to be empathic with them at an emotional level, not intuitive or intellectual level. There has to be no reasoning behind empathy.

- People tease you about stuff you say or the way you behave in a good-hearted manner. This means they like you.

- People talk about personal stuff with you. This can vary from person to person.

 

As a final note, there are some topics and some ways of saying things that could damage your connection with people or your conversation with people. Don't know how much you're autistic, but if you don't know if it's okay to say a certain thing or talk about a certain topic, err on the side of not saying that. Also, you could say to people that you consider your friends or close friends (up to you) that you are autistic and you need extra feedback and advice.