Self-Expression

[Illusory Self]

Lately I have been feeling that I don't particularly see any point to living since I don't seem to find anything enjoyable. I tell myself I should do certain things but I do other things which causes me a lot of suffering & inner conflict. I feel worse for consuming self help but not actually putting it into practice since I lack work ethic & would rather keep my mind distracted by technology. EVERY DAY I say "tomorrow is going to be a new day", I will change my old ways tomorrow, but that never happens. I live with my 93 year old grandmother who has memory problems.

I have no money.

I have no friends.

No dating life. 

Social anxiety. 

My diet is rubbish because I go to the gym & feel like I need to have a lot of protein. I barely have any vegetables. I feel lethargic a lot. I find it incredibly hard to concentrate. I currently feel like I have dug myself into an incredibly deep hole that is very hard for me to get out of. 

I spend most of my days trying to waste my days until I go to sleep, scrolling through youtube, tiktok, socials. I need to distract myself somehow from this horrible existence I seem to be living. Why does nothing make me happy & why do I always think of the negative... I know I am only 26 now but I do beat myself up a lot for consuming a lot of self help over the last 5 years but yet fail to implement any of it whatsoever. It is like a part of me is just extremely lazy to take any action or something. Lately I have been spending a lot of time just being in bed all day socially isolating. It feels comfortable to me, laying in bed all day scrolling through my phone, watching T.V, eating takeways. 

I feel so powerless to change anything because the exact same routines seem to keep happening every single day. I am so addicted to technology. I crave sex all the time but I have an extreme fear of approaching others. 

When I go out there is this part of me that does want to socialize but another part of me that says 'what is the point in doing all of this', 'socialization is such a waste of time', sometimes I find even speaking to drain me. Just been internally stuck in my head for so long & found it so psychollogicaly mess me up. I guess what did I expect. I get bullied at school when I was 12, turn to computer games to escape reality, play computer games all day for like a decade. Had no real friends growing up, no girlfriends, just computer games, because that was my comfort zone.. I got to the highest levels on RuneScape, was close to a trimmed completitionist cape.. It was my life though. I even dropped out of school because of my really bad social anxiety & I was getting such extreme panic attacks on a daily basis so. Inever even took any basic education exams.. It makes me feel like I am somehow stupid.. I wish I did not waste so much of my life in my past doing stupid shit that got me no where. 

It only seemed to construct a dysfunctional psyche that is extremely hard to break away from. I experience so much brain fog & no sense of mental clarity. I was on SSRI'S, I think I felt a bit better on them but I don't want be on a pill for the rest of my life... I just want to get to the root cause of my feelings... of not enjoying anything.. of extremely low self esteem. of not enjoying reality...... 

I distract myself on a daily basis just so I can go back to sleep & I repeat the same shit tomorrow... Groundhog day forever...