Whats the point of it all?

[Nilsi]

I think i officially reached my quarter life crisis. I just went out to my universities campus, intending to chat up some girls but found good enough excuses not to do it (Im quite good at that). Whatever. I just shrugged it off and sat down by the water to smoke some CBD. Life is just such a fucking tragedy man  

My entire adult life I have been pursuing spirituality, consciousness, awakening, understanding and self-actualization.

I've done it all. I did Leos life-purpose course, quit all my addictions, got on an elite level diet, cured my social anxiety and childhood trauma (at least to a meaningful degree), bought myself the nicest clothes, got jacked. I spend every day as productive as possible, learning as much about reality as possible, reading all of the greatest books ever written. I practice hatha yoga, kundalini yoga, tantra yoga, meditation, contemplation, do some breathwork and take a psychedelic from time to time. I have climbed the spiritual ladder all the way up to the godhead, i realized my self as Love multiple times and i deconstructed pretty much all of consensus reality. I did everything i ever thought would bring me a fullfilling life, yet it all feels so damn silly. All this shit just comes and goes like nothing ever happened. 

I just sit there by the water, thinking im on top of the fucking universe, listen to a group of girls next to me talk about random crushes they have, not knowing how to show them their interest and all I want is to be like them. Where did I take a wrong turn? All I want from the bottom of my heart is to tell some random, awkward, half drunk college girls :"I understand you," to make them see that im just like them - but im not; at least i cant bring myself to accept that I am.

Im 22 and my life is definitely not what I had imagined it to be when I started this journey. Dont get me wrong I had some of the most amazing, profound and meaningful experiences and my mind has been blown magnitudes beyond anything that I could have ever anticipated. But whats the point? I have exactly nothing to show for it. 

Sorry for the rant but i just had to get this shit out of my system somehow. If anyone here can somehow relate and has a few words on how to cope with this or how to live a meaningful life (i know im being a bit dramatic right now lol) it would be greatly appreciated  

 

[Thought Art]

talking to girls, love, money and the on going ness

[Leo Gura]

The point is to enjoy the process. You will never reach some destination where everything will be happily ever after. Drop that notion. And stop making excuses not to talk to girls.

Love life. Do things you love, not because you are aping some YTber.

Also, don't discount your huge progress so easily. You're 22. You're basically a child.

And stop envying those dumb girls. Their lives are awful. Appreciate what you have built in your life and never throw it away for some dumb girl.

[puporing]

Duude, if you reached the godhead how can that not be enough?!? Everything else is a bonus after that, you can enjoy the dream while being awake. Realize just how lucky and blessed you are. That you can see everything from the mountaintop if you wanted to. That you can zoom in and out at your will. The freedom of knowing that you can't do anything "wrong" and each day you have the choice to align with the Love. Don't take all that for granted!

[Hello from Russia]

We need spiritual chicks

[Kksd74628]

@Nilsi

You are missing the part where you come back to the earth integrating what you learnt to beautiful way of living. It seems that you really seek for connection with people on relative level and king level confidence to do so with smile on the face. Never is too late to do some social challenges.

-joNi-

[Nilsi]

7 hours ago, Bandman said:

@Nilsi Bro, when did you start working towards those things you have reached, because I'm the same age as you and I feel like I'm on the bottom and you are talking about already having reached Godhead at 22. When did you start working towards this and how many psych trips did It take you. what psychs did yo use. how did you cure all your childhood trauma and how long did it take. How did you fix your social anxiety, it seems like impossible to do. 

What attitude did you have when starting this work that brought you to reach this level. I feel like I'm having a defeatist attitude with my self, that I broke my mind and nothing can fix it. How did you stop being your own enemy? how long did it take you? How many books have you read? How did you drop your limiting beliefs?

How jacked did you get?

I'm 22 and I feel like I wasted time and need to succeed now or it is forever too late. Please bro make a thread about how you reached your success in all different areas. Do it for all us selfish bastards who want to succeed as well. 

I started when I was 16. I think I saw some Video from Leo talking about open-mindedness or something and that got the ball rolling.

At 17 I started meditating, got my first girlfriend, and finally made some good friends I could hang out with and talk about live and shit with.

At 18 shit kind of 180ed on me. I got kicked out of home by my psychotic stepdad, i broke up with my gf because her bipolar ups and downs were too much for me to handle. I betrayed my best friend by making out with his crush and thus lost him too, for a while at least.(I know this is fucking silly but we were teenagers lol) 

I had a good amount of money saved up by that point and my mom was willing to help me a bit financially so I moved into my own place (I was still in high school at that point).

I spent all my free time producing music, trying to make it in the hip-hop industry.

19 was kind of a normal year for me. I finished school, spent a lot of time with my friends, doubled down on my gym efforts (i started working out at 16) and got more into spiritual contemplation (back then this was just a conceptual endeavor for me).

Now at 20 is where shit was starting to go somewhere. The corona pandemic had just hit and I was spending all my time in my crib, smoking weed and making music. At that point I worked a side job in a factory to pay the bills, convinced that at any moment I would have my breakthrough in the music industry. I used to search the emails of all the big german hip-hop producers and mail them my shit. Sure enough, I got into contact with three of the biggest producers in the german music industry. They liked my shit and wanted me to send them more and see if they could use something for their artists to record on.

At the same time I got really committed in my meditation practice and I went for weeks on end on cannabis induced vision quests and had many profound mystical experiences. I now knew this shit was the real deal and not just some intellectual exercise.

My spiritual endeavors took up more and more of my time and focus and I slowly started getting less and less interested in making music. My connections were going nowhere. I was always told to just keep making more and eventually something would get a placement, but I was not having it.

It got harder and harder to pay my bills as I eventually burnt through all the money I had saved up to that point. I decided something had to change and enrolled in university in austria to study psychology. I figured a new country and new occupation might get me out of my rut.

At 21 I still had to wait almost a year until university would start and so I had a lot of time left and was kind of in a weird limbo. This is where shit got really real.

I had done some mushrooms once with my friends and it was an enjoyable and innocent experience so when one of my buddy's told me he had some LSD and asked me if I wanted some I was quite thrilled - finally i could start tripping and exploring this domain of spirituality.

I took my first tab of acid late at night on my sofa. I was expecting it to be fun but thought the dose was probably too low to have any profound effect on me (100 micrograms). Boy was I wrong.

I had my first enlightenment experience that night and I understood now what it meant to lose ones mind. This shit hit me like a fucking sledgehammer. How was this possible? How could this be true?  This is what reality is? It's just all my mind? I was shocked and couldn't accept it.

After the trip I went into denial for a few weeks but at some point I just could not run away from it anymore. I had to come face to face with Nihilism and this existential terror that had cooked up inside of me.

At that time I was working full-time in my job and made some decent money so I at least did not have to worry about my survival too much and it was a nice distraction from that profound loneliness and solipsism that had suddenly taken grip of me.

In the summer I went to Switzerland with my buddy's and we rented a nice, big cabin in the mountains in the middle of nowhere. On the 4th day of our vacation my buddy's decided to take some LSD (they are not into spirituality at all so for them it's more like getting drunk I think lol). I don't know how I could have possibly thought that it would be a good idea for me to trip with them but I did.

This trip was even more terrifying than the last. I now had my friends there with me, being fully conscious that I'm imagining all of us, trying to communicate somehow what's going on with me and utterly failing and going completely insane. Time had stopped going linear and just jumped back and forth. I felt like I was mind controlling my friends. It was terrible.

After that I had to do some serious healing but eventually I got back to normal again (still, the solipsism and existential dread was lingering in the back of my mind at all times). 

University started but since it was all online for the first semester i decided to stay a few more months in Germany until I would find a nice place.

I'm 22 now. It's the beginning of the year and I decide to take a psychedelic again. Maybe this would be the last time for a while that I would be alone and have some time since I would soon live with roommates and I hadn't taken one for 6 months now so my curiosity got the better of me.

This time was even more shocking. Before it was kind of me as the human that had these experiences. Now the whole room I was sitting in woke up and realized itself as God. My vision turnt white and all my senses and memories and thoughts collapsed into this primordial soup of nothingness. I guess that is what they call the godhead. (This all happened on 100 micrograms of LSD lol). I cried a lot as I was coming down from this trip but I was more calm and accepting than I had been before. I started to accept what I am.

After this experience my life was not the same anymore. I would just randomly start to cry some days and realize that what I really am is Love and this helped me accept myself even more. My finite self would get annihilated randomly with no warning. Material reality would just break down sometimes. But what I learned is that if I accept these experiences there would always be Love on the other side of it.

This was 4 months ago. Nothing feels really real anymore but that's ok. All I ever knew was how to go faster, better, stronger but it just doesn't satisfy me anymore. I don't want to complain. I feel amazing but still something is off, something is missing.

 

[RendHeaven]

lol mr. 22 year old, you're still so underdeveloped. It's obvious from your communications. you're nowhere near the "top of the spiritual ladder," don't kid yourself

[Nilsi]

6 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

lol mr. 22 year old, you're still so underdeveloped. It's obvious from your communications. you're nowhere near the "top of the spiritual ladder," don't kid yourself

Whatever dude, Im not going to justify myself to you. I know Im a bit cold an self-absorbed these days and there is of course always room for improvement. What do you want me to do? Write a homerian epic? Write the next thus spoke Zarathustra? Im just trying to get this shit out of my system and this is the only place in the world where probably some people will be able to relate to it.

[Yeah Yeah]

Your Mum giving birth to you was the entire point to all of this,

[Yeah Yeah]

@Nilsi Dude, I'd love to be your friend !

Edit: Do you identify as she/her?

Edited May 28, 2022 by Yeah Yeah

[Kshantivadin]

1 hour ago, RendHeaven said:

lol mr. 22 year old, you're still so underdeveloped. It's obvious from your communications. you're nowhere near the "top of the spiritual ladder," don't kid yourself

[Kshantivadin]

13 hours ago, Nilsi said:

All this shit just comes and goes like nothing ever happened. 

Yeah! Not that it's just impermanent, it's also without any substance.

13 hours ago, Nilsi said:

I have exactly nothing to show for it. 

Can you bring up the appreciation for the work you already did and the mileage crossed? If you try this, you will probably come to understand that you did good, and also have a HUGE head-start in any "worldly" endeavour you might want to partake in. Having degrees of spiritual realisations strips away all the bullshit from life - leaving room for authenticity, genuine experiencing, being more human actually.

You can change everything completely, starting today. Want to relate and connect to people more? Workable. Feeling that you have "nothing to show for" seems to me like you have an upcoming need for tangible work, productivity and results. Also, your being and presence might just be what you have to show for but cannot see it yourself - the virtues that get cultivated with spiritual work are so precious. Compassion is a huge grind and wisdom as well. And it's priceless.

I think it's a way better position to work on spirituality first, then do anything worldly, even though it might be a more bumpy and less secure road, it allows to experience life with a truly open heart.

Wish you the best of luck with all of this,
fellow 22-year old

[Nilsi]

Thanks for all the kindness -  helped me gain some perspective 

[spiritual memes]

16 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You're 22. You're basically a child.

lol im 22 and i feel so old...

[gettoefl]

53 minutes ago, Nilsi said:

Thanks for all the kindness -  helped me gain some perspective 

you are awesome, thank you for being here and sharing your journey, i see you and appreciate you greatly

[RendHeaven]

11 hours ago, Nilsi said:

I know Im a bit cold an self-absorbed these days and there is of course always room for improvement.

Beautiful. You just answered your own question

[Egzoset]

On 2022-05-27 at 5:21 PM, Nilsi said:

I think i officially reached my quarter life crisis...

Oh, only 3 more to pass! 

 

Look, all i got to say is this:  if you do it please just try to do it right, because most of the time unsuspecting persons discover cannabis through systematic forms of self-vilification, including abuse but not only.  Starting with the consumption method, etc.

 

And since there's some nest of deep haters around here i'd also suggest to seek advice elsewhere when it comes to all things cannabis.

 

Good day, have fun!! 

[Nilsi]

3 hours ago, Egzoset said:

Oh, only 3 more to pass! 

 

Look, all i got to say is this:  if you do it please just try to do it right, because most of the time unsuspecting persons discover cannabis through systematic forms of self-vilification, including abuse but not only.  Starting with the consumption method, etc.

 

And since there's some nest of deep haters around here i'd also suggest to seek advice elsewhere when it comes to all things cannabis.

 

Good day, have fun!! 

I would not recommend cannabis for spiritual work. It's nice if you have nothing else but in the long run it will just undermine your progress and make you lazy and unmotivated. I smoke some CBD from time to time (not psychoactive) but it's just for the sake of enjoyment.

[Nilsi]

9 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Beautiful. You just answered your own question

Dude let go of your stereotypes. Spirituality won't make you a nice person - that's a whole grind in itself.